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05 Nov 2009 09:01
2009.11.05-22.54 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Why would I say what I mean...?
Too obvious to tell you guys it's been another busy week? Ohhh... ooops! Every free minute has been packed but I am at least making things happen. For starters I'm several steps closer to getting the image galleries working properly again AND same with the videos. Shit just takes time. And you pessimistic wankers thought I'd forgotten...
Tuesday was Melbourne Cup Day. If you live outside Oz you may never have heard of it but what it boils down to is: big, annual race that inspires people with no interest in horses to dress up, gamble and congregate at racecourses and pubs around the nation. I'm pretty much over it these days and mostly just get sucked in to providing a ride for whichever family member needs one.
Truth be told, I don't mind because it's always good for a perv. The trip there is slow and congested, cars and people everywhere you look. The chicks are generally all amazing too. Perfect makeup, designers dresses, 6inch heels. It's basically a giant fashion parade.
The return trip is a completely different story however. Class and hotness give way to drunkenness and exhaustion. That makeup is gone and the high heels now clutched under an arm as these once glamour girls walk barefoot desperately hoping to get a cab. Kind of sad really. A little bit like finding out someone you thought was cool is actually gay or a Labor voter.
If you cast your minds back a week you may well remember me dribbling on about having quit smoking. I'm now 10 days in and going surprisingly well cunt fuck shit. Starting to feel more normal and withdrawals are miniscule by comparison. Safe to say that you guys have been more help than my mates too - the general response is "Haha again?" or "You'll be back!" Fuckers. All smokers by the way. That's what I get for quitting for eight months a few years ago. The one and only time I tried mind you.
This got me wondering - when aren't you a smoker? How long do you have to be off the durries before the answer is "I don't smoke"? I posed this to several people. Answers ranged from the day you quit to when you don't crave them anymore and so on. Funnily enough the criteria changes when you change the addiction. Recovered alcoholics for instance are always alco's but for smokers and smoking -something more deadly and addictive- you can just declare yourself a non-smoker and that's that. Same for drug dealers now I think of it. Doesn't seem fair for anyone who ever had a drinking problem... or murdered someone... or painted a picture... or got a little too friendly with the neighbours children...
Let's do weekend. Saturday was the closest I've come to sleeping in for months, figuring if I just lie still it will count but a succession of phone calls soon ended that. My next accomplishment after getting up, solving the world's problems and doing groceries was to spend all day clearing my desk and doing long neglected paperwork. Inspirational stuff I tells ya. It's why I look forward to weekends...
Had every intention of doing the sleep in/lie still trick Sunday but -predictably- it was never going to happen... this time thanks to my neighbour who hired a big verti-mower thing and started at 7am. Whole house shaking it was time to get up. After carefully weighing options, choosing between doing stuff for myself or for others, I took off to do computer repairs for various friends and family. From there it was lunch and a quick cruise with mates before returning to base and resuming desk clearing operations. Boring as fuck? Yes! Waste of a Sunday arvo? Yes! But it's finally done and should be good until next year...
Okay now that's out of the way we should get on with the good stuff. Check it...
It's Game TimeDouchebagsBorn A ManBeer DestructionLuvlee Tata'sFatman AlcoEpic GangBang
FG/AD MashupSkanky Sex TapeRejected IdeasLife's A PeachUltimate AwesomeBooty PopFlexi-girl
Let It QueefCoolest TeacherSmart PoochWalken FaceOnya DickheadOH Fuck!Brave DadArnie's FU
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer. The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table. "What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain. "Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will." I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to fuck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!! An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Hobart, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South, East to West.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call"
The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Melbourne. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Hobart and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay, thank you," said the writer.
He then travelled to Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, Brisbane, Darwin, and Alice Springs. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Alice Springs saw a sign for Perth and decided to see if Westerners had the same phone. He arrived in Perth, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call."
The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I've travelled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Western Australia now son, it's a local call".
HEATHER CAROLIN 
A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."
Three contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing all of them.
Suddenly they're at the pearly gates and Saint Peter says “This is perfect. The gates need repair and I can get three estimates.”
He asks the first contractor Bubba what it would take to fix the gates. Bubba walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $750.
Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. He walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $1500, and tells him I won't make a dime off this.
Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. Anthony quickly gives Saint Peter a price of $2750. Saint Peter asks Anthony how he could come up with an estimate of two thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars without even inspecting or measuring the gates. Anthony replies, "Its easy Saint Peter, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, $750 for Bubba".
SUPER YACHT: THE ALFA NERO 
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy. "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here... and -PING!- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay.
"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans... and -PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"
The fairy said "Tough shit, Amigo! Now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself!" And she disappeared.
HOW THEY USED TO DO IT 
For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.
J Subject: Interracial couple vidIf you had a video between a protestant and a catholic, would you mark it as interreligious? If it was between someone from NSW and WA, would it be interstate sex? If it was between someone who used the NZ dollar and the Indonesian rupiah, would it be intercurrency? Why label sex between two people like this? I am sure you are not appealing to people who see "interracial sex" as something specially sinful, but some may see it that way. Because many people attack those who criticise racist ideology, please withhold my mail address. But I am an Aussie
Are you serious? It's porn! Political correctness does not apply. The guy was BLACK and the chick was WHITE. Therefore interracial. Just out of interest: two eighteen year old guys fucking... teen porn or gay porn? -Orsm
straight jacket Subject: Re: your post on bootleg productsHi; have been a fan for over half a decade, but this is my first e-mail. I just wanted to let you know that your picture of red bull "knock offs" are actually the real deal. Red bull was developed by a thai pharmacist, and the current formula was adapted from that product by an austrian businessman in the 80's. Technically, the Red Bull we all know and love is the knock off. Having said that, keep on doing what you do, as it is fucking awesome.Subject: Ebay Gold!This is truly sensational. It's that subtle Aussie humour again. Read it soon, before it sells and is removed from ebay. It's worth investing a couple of minutes in.Simon Subject: RE "wogs" in elevator videoHey orsm... Since when did we start calling Lebanese/Arab people "wogs"? These losers weren't Italian, Spanish or Greek. Cheers... long time regular viewer...
Subject: Real Life GordoHey Orsm, Long time fan, first time submitter. Thought you'd be interested in this guy. Remember Gordo from Mortal Kombat? Please hide the details
*Gordo had four arms. -Orsm
OneMan Subject: CopsWho says cops don't have a sense of humor?
Rodney King. -Orsm
Brad Subject: Bledisloe JapanHi Mate, After many hours on the booze in Tokyo for the Bledisloe, we rolled up to the game and saw this at the gate. It is amazing I have showed this to a number of people and they don't get it until you point out the error. Cheers.
Subject: Malaysian Moto GPPissing about at the Malysian GP last weekend - took a snap shot of my Pommy mate taking control of Rossi (he thinks). Please hide my details. 
Tj Subject: PicsHey just wanted to send you some pics. Enjoy.
Thank you for sending ME pics of you wang... -Orsm
Jared Subject: Gotta love WICHITA, KSMy brother was traveling on business and found this sign in Wichita, Kansas. They didnt really think that one thru....
cameronSomething i found in the internets that just sounded too good to be true.
Found on people smuggler website? -Orsm
Subject: Very Cool ChurchFancy living in a Church? This old church in Kyloe, North Cumberland, England was purchased by a couple. They invested lots of money to keep the outside and inside as it was. They restored instead of renovated (a third of the cost). The couple did their best to recreate the inside like a regular home.
OneMan Subject: A real angel foundHey fella, going through some old files and thought you could use. cheers
Kaz Subject: Somea my shitG'day orsm dude, long time viewer, first time contribuitor blah blah.. Thought would throw some pics of my fine girl at ya. Enjoy..
Tim wrote: Subject: New Obama Bumper Stickers REALLY new!Too good. Change is inevitable. Progress is not.
I now realise that no matter who the President, this stuff will go around. -Orsm
V wrote: Subject: Speedo's men should NEVER wear!!!A little caution when opening... Not for kids or husbands (the husbands will get jealous!)
Probably the most offensive things I've ever seen. -Orsm
Mike wrote: Subject: your photosattached pics of ex missus,and the Eden project. show email if you want
Remind me of my year 6 teacher. Scarily so. -Orsm
OneMan Subject: Silly boys!!!!They picked the wrong guy to rob! Three armed felons tried to rob an El Paso, Texas, Police Officer (he's in civilian clothes) in front of a bank. The plan was to grasp his back pack and get away on a stolen motorcycle. The well prepared Police Officer shot all of them, managing to kill 2 at the scene. The 3rd one was shot in both arms. Gun used: a 40 cal pistol. Nice grouping..! Check out the survivor's upper left arm.. That's gotta hurt! As Ron White says, "In Texas we have the Death Penalty and we use it !!"
Subject: Viewers ChoiceAttached are 2 pics I recently took. 2 different shots. It's a viewer's choice award. Which one is would you like to tap? Remove sender's info
I'd tap the one with the vagina. -Orsm
Iain Subject: Van explosion imagesResult of leaking Acetylene bottle stored in plumbers van. 22-10-09. Accidently ignited by activating a remote door lock device. Kaaa - Boooom!! Seems the acetylene bottle WAS in a cabinet. Better inform Plumbers you know!!
DtMWest Atlas
This is that one off north Western Australia which has been in the news recently. Up until this week it was spewing over 400 barrels of oil a day into the ocean. -Orsm
Hughie and Teddy saw an ad in the newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Hughie and Teddy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Teddy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Hughie and Teddy at the grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord! Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Hughie and Teddy now work for the US Government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
ZOE BRITTON 
Really really really think this is a good Random Shite update this week. Tonnes of cool shite... so much so that I'll stop arranging my fingers on the keyboard in such a way that it generates the text you are currently reading and let you get on with it...
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... c'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted:"Jean... Jean... ze re is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, l'amour! Zis is okay!" "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember... it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mesamis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!"
COCAINE SMUGGLING DOESN'T ALWAYS PAY [WARNING: GRAPHIC] 
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.
She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
BEAUTIFUL SCOTLAND 
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: the idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Done and done. All that leaves is this last bit...
. It's where I hide the good shit. - Next update will be next Thursday. I see no reason to deviate from this.otherwise my friend Ray will smash your fucking face in.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember the courtesy flush. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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30 Oct 2009 02:40
2009.10.29-22.48 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Humiliation - not everyone enjoys it.
Am feeling angry at the world today. Matter of fact I'm desperately hoping someone will piss me off so I can punch them, stomp them, hospitalise them. Monday was 'quit' day and rage has been steadily building since Tuesgay when withdrawal symptoms began to appear. I knew what to expect because I've quit the cigs before but this time everything is x10. Severely agitated, fidgety, starving, sudden and uncontrollable sleep attacks and the worst -by far the worst- is how slowly time now passes. It's excruciating. Remember that scene in Trainspotting? Same shit.
Cold turkey is a motherfucker. Should really have gum or patches or Champix but it's one of those things... if I can beat it the hardest way possible, I'll respect it more and hopefully keep that in mind when I'm tempted to take a puff. Honestly this shit is all so retarded it's beyond words. I adore smoking. It brings me happiness, relaxation, comfort. It's rewarding and social but slight downside of death. Believe me though - if someone promised I could smoke and still live to 100 there'd be all of about 0.3 seconds before that wonderful Stuyvesant hit my lips. Come to think of if, at this point I'd probably settle for 60... maybe 58... fifty...?
A few months back I mentioned something about Samsung warranties being . Almost three months ago actually. Oh how fucking wrong I was! Initially the service guys were fantastic, helpful etc and that was cool until we hit a snag. Main problem is that I bought two IDENTICAL monitors, one failed and whilst that's a shame, I don't have any plans to deviate from two identical no matter how much it would suit them. Since then it's been a stream of no stock, soon-to-be arriving stock, offers and refused [by me] attempts to deliver alternate models. They've now stopped responding to my emails. Seriously is that unreasonable? I just want two same model monitors for my desk. Not similar, close or only slightly different - identical.
My latest email asks them to arrange pick up for both monitors and refund me so I can buy something else. Chances? Somewhere between sweet fuck all and Ellen DeGeneres coming out as a closet heterosexual but you never know. This is becoming reminiscent of my battle against LG with the fridge a few years back. Sure I wasn"t able to cool food or drink for several months and threw away a fortune in stuff I couldn"t keep frozen but in the end I won...
Okay let's do what else has been happening. Predictably Saturday started far, far too early with the skip bin delivery guy waking me at 6.50am. "Wasn't expecting you for 2 hours" I say. "We had a cancellation so that's how it is" says he. Wanker. The rest of Saturday went like many before it and eventually turned into Sunday, another early wakeup and time to start loading the aforementioned bin with the old kitchen plus a bunch of other crap lying around the house. Amazing how much shit is jammed into various corners and now pretty obvious the only way it's ever going to be clean and de-junked is with use of a bulldozer.
Guess how Monday started? What's that? Very early? That's right! Well done. It also went on to include 90minutes of peak hour terror picking relatives up from the airport. "Oh what's that? Eight hours in cattle-class really tires you out?" So does five hours sleep a night but you don"t hear me complaining...
Alrighty... enoughity. If you managed to read through all of that then err... well done. I had the good sense to stop a few paragraphs back. The seasoned Orsm surfers knew to scroll straight past it and aim for the content, and poor old you just spent a couple of minutes reading the drivel of some guy that made no point and really adds nothing to society. And with that - check it...
Play PokerAussie GoddessFood StylistBro RapeJackson FailDating Loser Loh-cansDicksucking Champ
Winehouse BoobsThis Is NutsHumming-hatElephant SneezeShake WeightAmazing TitsUltra Retarded
Breakdance CatElevator ShenanigansBad ParentingDisturbingNut HotshotBad IdolPole Training
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" Bill and Harry are bragging about how clever their dogs are. "This'll clinch it" says Bill, and gives his dog a $10 bill, "Go off and buy me a newspaper." The dog trots off obediently but an hour later he's still not back. Bill and Harry set off to look for the dog - and find him in the nearest alley giving a very serious humping to a pretty French poodle. "Rover!" says Bill, "Why didn't you come back to me like before?" Rover looks up and says "Never had this much money before..."
RANDOM INTERESTING FACTS THAT I'M TOO LAZY TO VERFIY
- Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.- The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. - The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.- A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up down continuously from the bottom of glass to the top. - 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.- 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. - The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red Eyes. He was albino.- On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong Parents, daily. - Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.- Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a Few ounces will kill a small-sized dog. - Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.- Most lipstick contains fish scales. - Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. - Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.- Upper- and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the Upper case' were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. - Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.- Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. - There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.- The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before. - There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: Orange and silver.- Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. - A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.- The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. - If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four Pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.- By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. - The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.- The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. - Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.- Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. - The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.- Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. - Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
KAYDEN KROSS 
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for New York City, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently broke wind. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
“Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. “Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... show him your BADGE!"
WHADDYA MEAN IT'S A KNOCK OFF...? 
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... "Look Paddy... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!"
SLEEPING SECURITY GUARDS 
Jason Subject: Office notes picI'm surprised that this note didn't include a word or two regarding racism, I'm sure the writer was thinking it. Your ethnic food fucking stinks you fucking cunt. As a matter of fact, yes I am a racist. I am proud to be a racist. And your fucking food stinks up an entire floor, even when cooked in a kitchen. Get some fucking normal food, or deal with my racist puke on your desk.
Mark Subject: It's not CarlIt's not Carl 'Foggy' Fogarty garage. In Fact it belongs to Tony O'Neil.
Never heard of either of them but either way I think you're missing the point - someone has a JET in their garage... -Orsm
Matthew Subject: That's what friends are for!HI BUd, Love your buddy ... love it. My roomie and his mate decided to attack their very very drunk friend with a thong. The sound is the best part!
Subject: Link to a Vegas cutieSome great pics, non nude, though. But, a softball coach. Yummy Yummy! Keep up the kickass work.link] [link
Holy crap. There is a God and he lives on her chest. -Orsm
VERY Impressive Wang Subject: Townsville Bulletin job addThis is a real add from the local Townsville Bulletin, really worth a read in particular something for GEN Y to take note of.
Actually sounds quite reasonable. -Orsm
Neville F Subject: Emailingbeauty and the geek
It would be mean to call her a pig... -Orsm
Craig Subject: screenshotDid a screenshot from your last RS group....... Cheers
Subject: Spoilt WomenHi, The ladies in Nairobi, Kenya are a spoilt lot! Hide my details
Tom Subject: Kitchen DecoratorsHowdy! Thought you'd like this pic; saw it in downtown Calgary, Alberta Canada; you gotta love it. I call it "Frankensteins Brides Box" Event eh name- Huntwood- is pretty darn funny. Take care!
Subject: Bar SignHere is a good one for you. Please hide my info. 
Heath S Subject: Epic Role Model Failnot a bad effort for shits and giggles:
Winner. -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: Suckhoe mag from SaigonHey ORSM. Its great to be out of the middle east where we lived for 2 years as your site was blocked (see ae_site_blocked) for being morally unacceptable. This little chestnut (suckhoe) was delivered to our front door here in Saigon. The Vietnamese translation was nothing liek I was imagining - funny that. Keep up the good work. Pls withhold details. Cheers
<with held> wrote: Subject: girlfriend picsgirlfriend in cairn send me these enjoy them. hide my details.
What a thoughtful GF. -Orsm
Glyn A Subject: Albany chip mill truck tipper.Hi Orsm, Trucks delivering bluegum woodchips for export to Japan to be processed for high grade paper. Regards, Minipom.
"What's the easiest way to get this stuff out?" "We'll just pickup the whole truck!". Makes sense... -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: EmailingPlease withhold my information...... These are pics of a girl I was fucking named Michelle, I dropped her so she went back to her husband....LOL
<with held> wrote: Subject: Idiot ParentsG'day Mr. Orsm I submitted these pics to a popular site here in the states, but though your readers would be interested in them as well. The attached pictures where taken by my friend who lives in Jacksonville, Florida. As you can see, the truck is on the interstate and and moving at a pretty good pace. Myfriend contacted the local police and was told that even with the pictures, there was nothing that could be done to these reckless parents. I guess the kids where lucky to be in their car seats. At least the bodies would more easily recovered in the event of a tragic mishap. It's my hope that if these parents see their idiocy on the net for all to see, maybe they'll second guess their idea of child safety.
sean Subject: Swine FluFind out who is benefited by Swine flu 
Subject: Vehicle FireThis is an employee of AT&T..works in Huntsville. Sending as an FYI. This fire resulted from leaving an Iphone charger/docking station plugged into the car outlet. It overheated and started a fire, while parked in our garage. PLEASE unplug anything you have in your car outlets once you turn off your car! We were VERY fortunate that we found the fire, at 11pm, before going to bed and before it spread to the house. None of our garage heat detectors or house fire alarms went off (another item to take care of on my to do list).
fletch Subject: mobile phone camera picsDear Mr Orsm, Here are some pics that I found on a mobile phone at my local pub in Hobart,Tasmania. Don't you just love mobile phones. Love your work....Please keep my details private.
Subject: Ah yes, the power of love.Ah yes, the power of love.. This guy (Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda Neto) simply referred to as "Doda" was married to... []
<with held> wrote: Subject: Sluts on World of WarcraftMr. Orsm long time fan first time poster. here are some pics I got some chick to send me from playing world of warcraft. this chick is married and her husband doesn't even know she goes on WOW to trade naked pictures and send sexual texts with other people from there. please hide my info. thanks
Subject: STREET GANGS IN HELENA, MONTANAIts gangs like these that the people of Helena have to put up with. A bit different from the problems in other cities... It proves that every State has their own "unique" gang problems. They roam the streets and yards night and day.....and you CAN NOT (legally) shoot them. Pretty area, homes, lawns so they have good taste..
<with held> wrote: Subject: De MotivatorsHi, would like to share some of my demotivators with everyone. Please do not show my details. Regards
<with held> wrote: Subject: Wife pics...I've sent in a pic or two in the long distant past and thought you'd like these. Being married does indeed have it's perks. Please keep my details private.
Dave Subject: Sky Burial (Not for the faint hearted!!!)Definately not for the faint hearted - you have been warned! Big fan of the site bud, keep up the good work.
GRAPHIC WARNING! Although surprisingly this isn't quite as fucked up as it appears... at least not in the sense of being some sort of torture. Read more at Wookiepedia
<with held> wrote: Subject: Dirty ex girlfriendHere is a girl i was fucking but she turned out to be a whore......please hide my info and enjoy.....
Extreme hotness! -Orsm
Two gay guys, Fred and Larry, get legally married in Maine, USA. They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so, they go back to Fred's parent's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school"
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room asking for Vaseline... I think I gave him my airplane glue."
MADISON & MACKENZIE 
You make the rules here - good or bad, funny or sad, right or wrong - that's for you to decide. Now check it...
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
A few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
HALLOWEEN CAKES 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me!
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but probably always with a limp.
Time to go bro's. Slightly odd that I've managed to pull this sucker together with an hour or two to spare. Must be all that extra time that would otherwise be spent on cigarette breaks coming into play. I should really be happy about this fact but at this point it's totally gay. Anyway...
. I FUCKING DARE YOU! - Next update will be next Thursday. Doubt you have anything better to do...?otherwise my friend Ray will act nice to you all week. Just when you think he genuinely likes you, he'll spike your drink and rape you... comfortable in the knowledge you would be too embarassed and ashamed to tell anyone. If you're a girl he'll probably just let you off with a warning. Not as if he's a monster you know!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy Halloween I guess. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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27 Oct 2009 19:32
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22 Oct 2009 10:12
2009.10.22-23.22 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Annoying much?
People of Earth - hi. You good? Good. Must admit to happy-happy-joy-joy feelings after checking the calendar and realising that after today's update we're down to just eight more for the year! This means come the Xmas break I'll hopefully have a chance to put my feet up and enjoy a week or two NOT updating. It also means Xmas itself is approaching and after last years family related debacle, the hassle of buying presents and a bunch of other reasons I'm yet to remember, the time now to start work on an avoidance strategy is now.
Am dealing with some pretty hardcore bitter sweet emotions right now and surprise surprise Facebook is to blame. For the last couple of years I've been pushed to the edge by a particular FB 'friend' who isn't actually a friend at all, just someone I know from years ago who added me. Didn't want to be rude so I accepted and since then, every single day, it's like she's deliberately trying to anger me. It's been an unending stream of the stupidest fucking shit you can ever imagine as status updates, 'liking' and commenting on those updates even [read: especially] when no one else does, comments on every single pic anyone adds, creates ridiculous FB groups and repeatedly posts them, runs through every pathetic FB app imaginable and continually clogs up the entire newsfeed. No shit some days I login and 95% is her - 'what kind of angel are you?', 'are you a good lover?' 'which Simpsons character do you most resemble?' and on and on and on...
This beckons the question: why if she annoyed me SO much didn't I just delete. The car crash principle applies - you can't look away. The constant retarded shit that drives me insane every single day provides endless entertainment to the point where I find myself logging in to see what she's got to say. It's clear that at some point she began to think of herself as Oprah and the 'what's on your mind?' section became her place to dispense advice, detail approaching meals, plug rubbish her friends are trying to flog and on many, many occasions over share in detail various body related matters. Not even once was a post finished without gross overuse of exclamation marks!!!!!!
And then three days ago I click on to Facebook and quickly it's apparent something isn't right. My newsfeed is full of posts and photos from other friends. What the!? And then it hits me. My feed is completely bare of this one particular persons inane utterings. I quickly go to search and the unthinkable has happened - she's GONE from FB!!!!!!!!!! Just like that the daily spectacle has vanished without so much as an explanation. No last "I'm outta here Facebook!!!" post - nothing. I feel like I've woken up in an ice bath sans kidney. Where am I going to get my infuri-tainment from now? Whose comments will I cut and paste to my friends with a trailing "OMFG look at what she is doing now". And most importantly - who the hell will I mock in future?
Now for a quick weekend rundown... because the life of a webmaster is so awesome I'd be robbing you guys by not blogging it...
It wasn't like we weren't warned but Saturday was the hottest October day in 13 years, if not hottest the history of the world. My mission was garden, weeds and general cleanup outside which was going spectacularly until early afternoon and the mercury started to climb. Eventually got to 37°C [99°F]. Honestly wouldn't have minded so much if we had a lead up but literally two days before I had the heater on.
One and only goal for Sunday was to give the car a proper wash and considering it had been four weeks since the last one, which didn't come close to scrubbing roadtrip remnants from interior and exterior, there was some serious time spent. Moved activities inside afterwards embarked on what I soon realised was spring cleaning. It is after all spring. Getting this joint de-junked is my new mission in life. Admittedly the house does look clean but that's because the obsessive compulsive inside me insists on neatly organising any mess.
Jesus look at me go... like a writer possessed today. Odd that I couldn't sleep last nite trying to think up shit to fill this space although less odd that people will go to sleep tonight wishing I hadn't bothered. Anyway better get on with the update. Prepare yourselves! Check it...
Spooky SpalshNo Han No!Ridiculous CleavBSB DubPimp With Mr. TDeep Fried ButteriBandWeed Pussy
Amateur CutiesLily Allen BoobsNot The DaddyHard To WatchHilarious PSABadonkadonkKiss Crazy
Bathing KaitlinTotally SmashedOh Shit! - Great ActingFeminine WashSo CloseAutotune #9Duck Love
Two black fella's are at a bar talking. One says to the other, "You ever noticed after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second black guy replies, "Yeah, all the time." The first asks, "Why do you think that is?" The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray." I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome. While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!" George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet. "Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?" "I'm riding a bus." "That's a fucking stupid thing to say!" "Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"
AMAZING COINCIDENCES
1. A computer error gave two women in America called Patricia the same social security number. When the two women were brought together in an office to rectify the blunder they discovered that they had both been born with the names Patricia Ann Campbell. Both of their fathers were called Robert Campbell. Their birthdays were on 13th March 1941. They had both married military men in the year 1959 (within eleven days of each other). They each had two children aged 19 and 21. They both had an interest in oil painting. Both had studied cosmetics. Both had worked as book-keepers.
2. In 1893, Henry Ziegland ended a relationship with his girlfriend. Tragically, his girlfriend took the news very badly, became distraught and took her own life. Her distressed brother blamed his sister's death upon Henry, he went round to Henry's house, saw him out in the garden and tried to shoot him. Luckily, the bullet only grazed Henry's face and embedded itself in a nearby tree. In 1913, twenty years after this incident, Henry decided to use dynamite to uproot a tree in his garden. The explosion propelled the embedded bullet from the tree straight into Henry Ziegland's head - killing him immediately.
3. On December 5th 1660, a ship sank in the straights of Dover - the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams. On 5th December 1767, another ship sank in the same waters - 127 lost their lives, the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams. On 8th August 1820, a picnic boat capsized on the Thames - there was one survivor - Hugh Williams. On 10th July 1940, a British trawler was destroyed by a German mine - only two men survived, one man and his nephew - they were both called Hugh Williams.
4. Mr McDonald was a farmer who lived in Canada - nothing extra-ordinary in that - until you learn that his postcode contained the letter sequence EIEIO.
5. In 1996, Paris police set out to investigate a late night, high speed car crash, both drivers had been killed instantly. Investigations revealed that the deceased were in fact man and wife. Police initially suspected some kind of murder or suicide pact but it became apparent that the pair had been separated for several months - neither could have known that the other would have been out driving that night - it was just a terrible coincidence.
6. Michael Dick had been travelling around the UK with his family to track down his daughter, Lisa - who he had lost contact with ten years earlier. After a long fruitless search, he approached the Suffolk Free Press, who agreed to help him by putting an appeal in their newspaper. Fortunately, his long lost daughter saw the appeal and the pair were reunited. The odd thing was, his daughter had been right behind him when the free paper took the photograph - shown in the photograph above. What are the chances of that!
7. A fifteen year old pupil at Argoed High School in North Wales was to sit his GCSE examinations in 1990. His name was James Bond - his examination paper reference was 007.
8. In 1965, at the age of four, Roger Lausier was swimming off a beach in Salem - he got into difficulties and was saved from drowning by a woman called Alice Blaise. In 1974, on the same beach, Roger was out on a raft when he pulled a drowning man from the water - amazingly, the man he saved was Alice Blaise's husband.
9. British cavalry officer Major Summerford was fighting in the fields of Flanders in the last year of WW1, a flash of lightning knocked him off his horse and paralysed him from his waist down. He moved to Vancouver, Canada, six years later, whilst out fishing, Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again and the right side of his body became paralysed. After two years of recovery, it was a summer's day and he was out in a local park, a summer storm blew up and Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again - permanently paralysing him. He died two years after this incident. However, four years after his death, his stone tomb was destroyed - it was struck by lightning!
10. Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time. At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it!
ALL ABOUT ADELE 
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aunt." said the man. Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years...
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms so the man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said.
The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice.
The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Mother of Mary, he's right... Farty-two!"
OFFICE NOTES 
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door..."
CAN CARS 
Some Stooge Subject: PoseHey Mr ORSM! Love your work, as always! Some people should think about their poses before posting pics on Facebook...
Simply the worst pose/facial expression combo I've ever seen. -Orsm
Adrian Subject: Optical illusion...Optical Illusion: What Do You See? Well, what did you see first? Ass or Armpit?
Never saw that armpit until it was pointed out... is that good or bad...? -Orsm
Brent Subject: Fucked up artHello from the states orsm! First time contributor here. Stumbled upon this on facebook not too long ago... Medieval playboy bunnies?
Luke Subject: Story of a "Fake Perth Cabbie"Hey Mate, Long time supporter and referrer, blah blah etc etc. Great site I might add too! Always entertaining! Attached is the story of of a "Fake Perth Cabbie" on Ninemsn National News, Friday Oct 16 2009. Take note of the opening paragraph and the perpetrator's name. Piss funny! Keep up the good work mate!
Terry Subject: Medal of Honor Winner You're a 19 year old kid. You're critically wounded and dying in the jungle in the Ia Drang Valley ,on 11-14-1965, LZ X-ray , Vietnam. Your infantry unit is outnumbered 8 - 1 and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 or 200 yards away, that your own Infantry Commander has ordered the MediVac helicopters to stop coming in. [continues]
Subject: AngelinaBeen a fan of your site for years....check out this girl I saw on myfreecams, the resemblence is crazy! If you decide to use it, please withhold my info.
More . -Orsm
Subject: Reader Mail picHello Mr ORSM. was checking out ABC I-View the other day when I discovered a somewhat unfortunate coincidence. See picture attached. Please withhold details. Cheers
Ooops. -Orsm
Taylor W Subject: Dumbass from work.Here is a kid I work with who for reasons beyond me had this picture on his phone and thought this would not get spread around if he sent it to one of us.... Prepare to laugh. Feel free to share my details Taylor from Phoenix, AZ
chris Subject: IMGMr Orsm, love the site and appreciate your work, found this in a little strip mall outside of DC. I found it very amusing and thought I would pass it on
Boring Sam Subject: ExmouthOrsm your site is the greatest and I wants to have your babies but until that happens here are pics of my weekend trip to Exmouth and Coral Bay.
Steven Subject: Romance is not dead - Wellington - Ngaio GorgeI thought this might cheer you up a bit today :-)
Brilliant. -Orsm
Jay Subject: Alaska Bear attack on a Plane 2009 Apparently a bear attacked his plane while parked in a remote field up here in AK. He had not cleaned out the inside after a long fishing trip and the bear smelled it. He had 2 new tires, 3 cases of Duct Tape and several rolls of cellophane delivered. Then went about repairing the plane so he could fly it home. Gutsy, to say the least.
V Subject: IQ test - Open in privateAnswer Just One Question. The Question: Without scrolling back up what colour is the seat belt?
Good girl. -Orsm
Terry Subject: OuchA few days ago, a person was recharging his mobile phone at home. Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the Instrument still connected to the outlet. After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival. Cell phones are a very useful modern invention. However, we must be aware that it can also be an instrument of death. Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet!
Subject: Weekend FuckHey Orsm, Just thought i'd share a few pics of a the girl I was fucking last weekend. Not exactly a keeper but boy does she know how to fuck and really filthy with it. Keep up the good work and withold my details.
wrote: Subject: Front end failurethought this may interest you
Considering those bad boys can hold over 300 tonnes that's impressive! -Orsm
Subject: Carl Fogarty's garageCarl 'Foggy' Fogarty is the most successful World Superbike racer of all time in terms of the number of championships and number of race wins. Now retired, he is renowned for his high corner speed riding style, combined with an aggressive competitiveness, which netted him 59 victories and four World Superbike Championships (1994, 1995, 1998 and 1999).
Damon Subject: Ahoy!Dear Mr. Orsm: Love the site, and after about, what? 10 years? you have the best blog on the web..worldwide! (fuck ernie! and ehowa) God bless. p.s.: attached are a few pics of the woman, feel free to use if you like, mate. p.p.s: your server is smoking this week!
John wrote: Subject: Fish StoryYou will enjoy this story
Mean looking little fucker./ -Orsm
dale wrote: Subject: Powerpoint Presentation - Please reviewDont know if you have this as i havent been on your site for a couple of weeks if not, enjoy
Old but never fails to get a groan... -Orsm
Kramer goes to an optometrist and he's lead into a room where the doctor pulls down a small screen with letters. "Read me the bottom line, Mr. Kramer." "Sorry, Doc, I can't." "Okay, how about the line above that?" "Nope." "... the next one up?" "Nope."
This goes on for a while with the optometrist pulling down progressively larger and larger eye charts with ever bigger letters.
Finally, the doctor says, "Well, I've never had to use it before, but see if you can read this." With that, he pulled a lever, the wall collapsed and a giant 50 foot flaming orange "A" rose up out of the ground. "Now surely you can read THAT!" snarled the frustrated optometrist.
"Sorry, Doc, but I can't." "Then, man, you must be blind!" "Oh no, Doc, my eyesight's fine. I just never learned how to read!"
SILVIA SAINT 
It so is. Check it...
IT IS NOT A CADDY'S PLACE TO COMMENT... Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"Caddy: "Eventually." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
DEAD FLY ART 
Little Lucy was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Lucy. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But Lucy didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Lucy. And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Congratulations on making it to the end of the update. If you've come this far [ie. You didn't close the window and move on with your life] then the following information may be of some help to you...
. It's where all the update for the past 9 years are secretly hidden. - Next update will be next Thursday because that's sort of my thing. otherwise my friend Ray's dog will take a shit on your lawn... EVERY day.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP common sense. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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15 Oct 2009 11:25
2009.10.15-23.08 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Call me a killjoy but I think because something is not to my taste, no-one else should be able to enjoy it...
Con-fucking-struction everywhere. In between a house down the street being demolished, some sort of concrete cutting spectacle down the other and god knows what they are building at the park directly over the road I'm surrounded by activity. For the last two weeks there's been a constant rumble of trucks and diggers, that incessant reversing beep-beep-beep and nauseating exhaust fumes filling the air, not to mention the dust.
It's also messed up my sleeping patterns. With the newfound early morning sunlight, unimpeded by daylight saving, they're starting bright and early so whilst my body has adjusted, my brain has not. I now seem to pre-empt the firing up of machinery and wake up the wrong side of 7am. Okay in the real world but with a usual 1am bedtime it generally leads to an unscheduled late afternoon power nap at my desk. Gayness.
I've blogged about this crap before but really had to laugh at the boat load of Sri Lankan people currently trying to invade Australia. Not so much at their predicament or what they're allegedly trying to flee but after being detained en route by Indonesia they have the audacity to make demands. First they were going to set their shit box vessel alight, and now refusing to disembark until the 'international community' finds them a new home. Oh really? Anything else? How about a hand job from a girl with really big boobs?
Suppose I can understand why they're so belligerent... not making it to Oz means no gravy train - missing out on the free air-conditioned accommodation, food, phone and money they'd heard so much about from relatives who were already living it up in detention after arriving illegally is something none of us would want to face.
Moving on... or rather back to, me, my life and whatever else I can string together thereby filling the remaining gap...
Saturday was an early start to give my sis and her friends a ride to the pickup point for Spring in the Valley which is basically a huge piss up at the wineries on the outskirts of the metro area. My mates and I did it a few years back [before it was cool] so decided not to attend. Instead I did fun stuff like spend all morning fixing a mates computer. From there it was groceries and home to finish off the remaining kitchen reno stuff. Was so tired that nite I fell asleep with TV on which of course lead to yet another ungodly start - 6.30am but just in time to watch the start of Bathurst 1000, which for anyone who doesn't know, is a 1000km car race held annually. Epic Holden versus Ford rivalry.
Managed to drag myself out of bed an hour later and get stuck into sorting my own damn computer problems whilst watching the race. Admittedly mostly my own doing this time - made a huge mess with a cuntly virus which torched most of the programs I use daily so a full Windows reinstall was required. Matter of fact it was two reinstalls due to the first being 'problematic'.
Monday... 6am start up for an airport run. I'd made a point some time ago that if certain people insisted on booking middle-of-the-night flights they would have to cab it because the disruption was too great. They got around this by making it 9am flights... "So 7am pickup is fine?" Yep fantastic... almost as good 3am except this way I get to enjoy an hour of peak hour traffic! Wicked man!
Alight let's stop the drivel there. I could go on... there's a whole bunch of total boring crap [including car, dog, house, various interpersonal relationships] that I'm could spend considerable time on but will spare you guys and get busy with this week's ever so spectacular update. Check it...
Chopper is back! Orsm favourite and comedy legend Heath Franklin is about to launch a brand new DVD entitled 'Make Deadshits History'. There's a whole bunch of clips on YouTube or go straight for the good stuff and find the DVD
Word MountainTasty TeenPopped Implant!Pool HottieGet Gayo!Errr What?Bus BrawlPorn Overload
Highway BewberyShauna Sex TapeMelissa is TightFully Sick BroWiki FailsMoronFreaky Fuck
Pearl's NecklaceMad Tramp SkillzSeth FreakoutBig Big BigFace MashB-Boy KOAnime Jubblies
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied. Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful Woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines! The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "Its women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!" Q. What's pink and goes round and round on a carousel? A. Stephen Gately's suitcase. I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to fuck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
One day, a bloke and his mate were in a pub talking. One man said to the other "Oh! I just remembered, did you hear that Keith died?" "What! Our mate Keith? No I didn't, how did he die?" asked the other man. "Well, he was driving up to my house to watch the rugby, but just as he was approaching my house he hit my garden wall and smashed straight through the windscreen!" explained the man.
"Geeze, that must have been messy." replied the other. "Oh no! That's not how he died! He then flew through his windscreen and then smashed through my kitchen window, skidded over the work surface taking everything with him. He was there laid on the floor amongst the knives he'd took with him and was surrounded by shards of glass!" explained the first man.
"Ouch, poor guy." replied the second. "Oh no! That's not how he died! He was still alive, he tried to grab the ledge to get up but he pulled the boiled kettle down and he was covered in boiling water!" continued the first man.
"Ooh, that's even worse" said the second man. "Oh no! I doesn't end there! He tried to clamber to his feet but he slipped on the water and smacked his head on the oven. The oven door clicked open and a super hot pan full of boiling oil and roast potatoes came out and covered him, burning his skin off!" said the first man.
"God, could it get any worse?" said the second man. "Oh no! That's not how he died!" "Hang on! Hang on! Just exactly how did he die?" said the second guy, who was growing impatient. "I shot him. The little bastard was wrecking my house and had ruined my dinner!"
SERIOUSLY KAYDEN 
In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon. As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."
The bartender hollers out, "Sorry Mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is an old Chinaman." The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next day the miner is off back to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink and eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room and take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles."
The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing them in had problems. All we got is that old Chinaman." This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds and says, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time he's gone for another month and when he returns he has two sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters, throws one of the bags on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and three of the prettiest women in town because I'm horny as hell."
Again the bartender says, "Sorry Mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the old Chinaman." This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs thinking about how horny he is and finally says, "OK, send the old Chinaman up."
The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance." The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for an old Chinaman?" The bartender replies, "No Sir, the $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that kinda shit either!"
GEOGRAPHY FACTS
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean.The volume of water in the Amazon River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States. Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around. Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning 'Big Village'.Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world. Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence. Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.Los Angele's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula - and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A. The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple.There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland. More Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel. The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4.53 sq. km.The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent. Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is. In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.' St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A : 1%, in Canada: 75% The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles). It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.
GIMME A KISS! 
There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished by this, he panicked and hurried to the emergency room. The ER doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day. He advised that if there were no positive results he should come back the next day.
This went on for three days, until a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The doctor, now at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand. The nurse gave the man a tube of lotion, and advised the patient to rub it very gently on his member before he went to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day he stopped by the hospital, happy as a lark! He found the nurse and doctor and thanked them for all their help. As the man left, the doctor turned to the nurse and asked what the miracle lotion was. The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."
YOU REALLY CAN VEND ANYTHING 
is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required.
If you would like to contribute to the social snapshot that is Orsm Reader Mail thus being immortalised for all eternity then here is where you click. I get all giddy everytime Outlook chimes upon reciept of new mail so PLEASE, drop what you're doing, navigate your way to the Contact page and send me your shit! I'll love you forever and may even leave a little something for you in my will...
xitz Subject: FEVApparently what Brendan Fevola did at Brownlow:1. Punched out Marc Murphy 2. Pushed Rebecca Twigley to the ground when she tried to restrain him from attacking a security guard. 3. Sexually assaulted a female journalist. SAM LANE 4. Was involved in an incident with Gibbs's girlfriend which left her in tears. he apparently pulled down the top of Gibbs girlfriend who was not wearing bra, in front of quite a few of the Carlton players and board. 5. Had the 2IC of the AFL Adrian Anderson in a headlock (along with James Brayshaw) 6. Abused Warren Tredrea, along with other high standing opposition players/officials. 7. Swore/abused Chris Judd repeatedly when he attempted to have words to him. 8. Exposed himself to Rebecca Twigley asking her to accept it orally. 9. Punched a Channel 9 producer (don't know who).
10. Felt up Demetriou's wife (might explain why he came out saying Fev had to clean his act)From a taxi driver (who had Carlton board member in car) that Fev groped Twigley - that's why he had to go. Judd had a large say in trading matters. Apparently board member said he would be definitely traded.
Mark Subject: McDonalds pic Dude, The picture on Random Shite about tghe Australian McDonalds memo is a hoax. It was a parody and not real.
True although when they do fuck up revenge can be attained by returning and having them remake the entire order due to it now being cold. -Orsm
Subject: New beerholders
A picture of a girl who doesn't need to put her beer down! Hide my info pleezImpressive. -Orsm
Anthony
Subject: Online Dating
Always ask for more than 1 photo!At first I was like wooo... 0Orsm
Dan Subject: tuff loveHey Orsm. An old friend of mine decided to deal out some tuff love when her son was throwing rocks at passing cars. I came across this on her face book page and it cracks me up every time I look at it. Thought I would share with you all. By the way love this site.
Subject: ContributionHey, I saw this and couldn't help but think someone didn't review this page before they printed. Hide my details please.
Bie Bop
Subject: uncle
My uncle (age 76) after trying to stop the asshole that was robbing his neighbour in Amsterdam....Ouch. -Orsm
Shane Subject: Backwards painted truck doubles as pants crapperImagine the momentary terror of a semi coming straight at you on the open road
Wesley
Subject: Install screen
Is it just me, or is there a subliminal message here when you install this product?Vaginaaaa. -Orsm
Mike Subject: My Room Mate's Ex-Girlfriend's BoobiesI love your site. I've tuned in every Thursday since grade 8. My college room mate recently convinced the girl he was pounding in the summer to send us some naked pics. Legitimate. Please hide my details.
SEYMORE Subject: Dust stormDust storm in Mutitjulu Community near Ayers Rock. Northern Territory
Subject: drone bombers in afghanSome ppl Should learn to do there homework b4 commenting of stuff they do not know abaout. As a current serving member in the army and and being based in perth myself and having just returned from afghan not long ago myself, that the above mentioned "uav" is currently unable to carry weapons, and that the following video that was posted up was not infact an actual flight control centre at all, it was a simulation centre and not one of the C.I.A. The current "PREDATOR and REAPER UAV'S" that the military use have a current range of 200km b4 needing to come back for refueling and weapons restocking. The "Uav" that was shown in the video above was not a PREDATOR OR A REAPER DRONE it was a global hawk drone which is used for reconnaissance and surveillance missions only, future verions of this will be capable of carrying weapons and inflight refueling canisters. and the control centre is just the same as the pics I have sent u. Just thought I would like to clarify this to the ppl so there not missled by ppl who asume they now what there talking about!!!!
Subject: ex girlfriend picsthis bitch just broke up with me the day before our 2.5 year aniversary, because shes didnt get in the same uni as me so is 70 miles away and has no time for me. heres a few pics of her. hide my info please
a te Subject: Lamborghini's at the University of WashingtonHey Mr. ORSM, long time reader and finally have something cool that I think could contribute to your wonderful site. These are pictures of some of the dozens of nice Lamborghini's that showed up atthe University of Washington to help dedicate the new "Lamborghini" lab at our school. They even had a Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4! Sorry for the not so great quality, had to use my phone.
Anthony
Having a bad day, not as bad as his.GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING! -Orsm
Attached are 4 sexy pictures of my girlfriend. please hide details!
She's A keeper! -Orsm
Subject: More Breaking News........It just keeps getting better and better,,,,, he is so AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
David Subject: 993 Cat LoaderWhoops. zoom in on second picture. The Operator is still in it!!!! Ha! I bet that tightened him up a bit.
Subject: My little contribution to your siteHey there. been a Fan of your site for the last 3 years, & it's my turn to contribute a little something to your site. you're doing a good job so keep up the good work. here is my contribution I hooked up with my friend last weekend in Orlando, Florida & we got a little bit drunk & got it on. she'll kill me if she finds out that I'm trying to post them online, since she's already pissed for me taking those pix in the first place. So please Withheld my Information. Thanks.
Reg Subject: islamic disco in yemen ?????? ??????hey mate theres some lovely shielas here for you to crack on to show us yer skirt!
Subject: just for funno details to be displayed,,pls
It's stuff like this that makes my day. God bless you good woman! -Orsm
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
JESSI GIRL 
Just remember - you can't unsee what you've already seen. Check it...
A gray-haired, middle-aged, friend of mine was sitting at the evening dinner table yesterday along with his spouse, when she startled him by telling that she'd had a memorable dream the night before. He was slow to ask what she'd dreamt about. So, she quickly went on to tell him that it had included both of them, without any of his prodding.
"I dreamed that you found a much younger woman, and that you threw me out!" She blurted out impetuously. Then adding in a sort of a cynical way "Of course in just a few days, you came crawling by, and asked me to come back, tired of her whiny ways!" "And of course I told you to bite it!" She added forcefully.
He paused a minute before saying "That wasn't very nice of you!" After a minute, he thoughtfully asked her "How old was she?". "How old do you want her to be?" she responded nastily. "Nineteen!" He quickly answered. "Okay, she was nineteen!" She meekly returned. He thought about that for a long moment, before asking again "What did she look like?"
Now becoming just a little frustrated with him, and his cavalier attitude, she answered "I wasn't focused on that, I was thinking about my own situation and my own feelings" as she looked intently toward him. He rolled back in his chair, staring into space and said "Hell if she's nineteen, who cares what she looks like!"
MY OWNER IS AN IDIOT 
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blondie wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
Umm... what am I supposed to say here? Let's just try this...
. You got that? Check out the site archives. - Next update will be next Thursday... as if I have any choice in the matter anyway...otherwise my friend Ray will put extra sticky in your sticky date.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get some sleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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13 Oct 2009 08:03
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08 Oct 2009 16:02
2009.10.08-23.09 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read... but look at you havin' a go...!!
That that that thaaaaaaaat time again. What time? THAT time. Spring... and everything's feeling all... springy. Probably a bit too early to herald the end of winter but shit is definitely warmer, the skies bluer, the days longer [despite no more daylight saving boo] and hay fever is rearing it's runny nose. Happy times ahead... it won't be long before weekends are devoted to beach, cruising and cleavage appreciation.
So I guess its official: Australians are giant racists. If by some chance you missed it - a few white guys painted their faces black to perform [what was supposed to be] a humorous sketch on a TV talent segment and suddenly the sky is falling. Even poor Harry Connick Jr. was upset and he told us so.
To be honest I don't really understand what all the fuss is about. Well that's not quite right. I understand it, but it doesn't quite click. Essentially it was just a couple of dudes trying to get a laugh. No malice intended. Where I'm from, my friends, my family, my sheltered corner of the universe, everything is more easy going and I'd say this is the way for most Aussies which probably explains why it went to air in the first place. I won't kid anyone by saying racism isn't an issue here but the connotations of the 'blackface' are mostly lost on us... until the media picks up the story and it spreads causing worldwide condemnation anyway. Whatever the deal you can bet no one will ever make the mistake again...
Moving on... Im'a bablle on about my week now because it's been a pretty bloody good one. Pace is still set to 'ridonkulous' which is challenging but better busy than bored... or so they tell me.
Had a thousand things to do Friday but the highlight was lunch with my cousin. One of those once or twice a year things that I always look forward to so we can exchange gossip and swear to god we'll never become like our parents. From there it was off to run various errands and eventually land at another family members place to explain how to use their new iPhone, iTunes, iTunes with iPhone and numerous other things anyone this side of 40 takes for granted. "So it can listen to a song and tell you the name? Amazing! And did you know I can be in Hong Kong and still get my email!? Things have changed since my day!". Painful.
Saturday was nonstop, every possible minute filled. Up early, dilemma of what to buy friends for an engagement present [ended up being gift vouchers and incidentally that's all anyone is ever going to be getting in future], quick grocery shopping and home to get changed for the 12pm engagement party. Always have my doubts when these things are held at nonstandard times but was definitely one of the better ones I've been to. Unsurprisingly though a large portion of the conversation was devoted to weddings and why wouldn't it be? Between Feb and April next year there are [I think] seven weddings, five of which [I know] I'm invited to. Very happy for all of them but let's face facts here - $100 for an engagement present, $100 for a wedding present. That's some pretty serious coin and you basically have to get blind drunk at both to get your money's worth. Don't know about you guys but I'm up for the challenge.
Sunday lovely Sunday woke up on the dot of 7.05am with a leg cramp which I'm still feeling the effects of and segued into the final stages of my kitchen renovation project. That in itself took the entirety of the so called 'day of rest' but I'm proud to say everything is now done... except fitting door handles... re-plastering walls... tiling... painting... installing a rangehood... fixing the sagging ceiling... and... and... it's never going to be finished is it...?
Anyway. That's more than enough blogging for a week. I could go on but it would be tantamount to a B grade film - people know its there but most of them are going to skip past it and head for the stuff they really want to see. So with that... check it...
Play PokerFreakout #7Stinky FingerSpin DoggyFountain SurfingWrong HoleAccordian KingFreaky BJ
Skinny BlondeNaomi's NipsAngry Fat GuyComin' On!Monkey PunchRihanna Hotness50 Faceplants
Brazillian ButtsBombed BuggyRapper FailShark RiderTongue TwisterHot SausageDemon Bird
Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?" The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the fuck is a potato clock?" And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'" What's the best way to tell if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit. His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Aye, she spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"
The husband said "The what?" The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The salesman then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!"
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the salesman said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she was exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right ...Voodoo Penis, my arse...!" The rest, as they say, is history.
LEXI BELLE 
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback café with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke," and turns to the emu, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke." The emu says, "I'll have the same." Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well, love" says the truckie, "a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the bloody emu?" The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say."
After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine.
As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The Dentist got close and asked "So, you had a 69 before you came here eh?" Brian exasperated asked "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?" The Dentist replied "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead..."
[BIG] AREOLA 
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied."Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was a English Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
DAMN SEAGULLS 
is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required.
Mega amounts of mail this week. Suppose that means I'm doing something right... or something wrong... depending on how you look at it. That said, I implore you dudes to keep it up. There's nothing else yours truly would rather do than sit up all night sorting through my stretch marked inbox so if you have pics, vids, jokes, RS or anything you can jam down the internets then you should click here and do it and do it NOW.
junior Subject: Beautiful!Long story short, a couple of pissed up locals try to give a couple of trannies a kickin. Said trannies were cagefighters on a stag nite. Cue a world of ownage! Later!
Short story long . -Orsm
Rick Subject: Keep on keepin onYou Cunt, I just found out theres a hours extra entertainment from the links in your generally unreadable and verging on beastialic (if thats a word) ( give the pooch report a break man) boring repetitive story of your week ( fuck somebody and tell us about it already). This discovery should ensure that no work is done here for at least a week while i hit the archives. Anyway, thanks for making my day weekly for the last possibly 4 years. (thurs is orsm and the guardian youtube classics day)
Shhh it's a secret. They're usually just cool shit that gets submitted or I stumble across that doesn't really have a place anywhere else on the site. It's an orsm value-add. Always worth clicking because you don't know what you'll turn up. Another secret is I post these throughout the week on my Twitter [when I have the time]. -Orsm
Christopher Subject: pressurisation answeresFirst off that picture has been floating around for a long time. The stroy is a contractor was using his own, uncallibrated, equipment a didn't realize the gauge he was looking at was off. So instead of running it up to the correct psi, he doubled it and blew the fucking plane up. And it's not rarely that planes get pressurized on the ground, happens a lot.
Gordon Subject: Soldiers in Iraq without body armor - Can you donate?THIS IS A SHAME!!!!! Where the hell is Congress on this issue? MAKE SURE EVERYONE YOU KNOW IS AWARE OF THIS! There are still some US soldiers in Iraq without body armor! This is terrible! And they continue to put on a brave and happy face! Amazing courage! IS COMMANDER IN CHIEF BARACK OBAMA AWARE HIS COMBAT TROOPS ARE LACKING PROTECTIVE BODY ARMOR?
Subject: Cat Living On The EdgeTook this pic in the main St of Werribee Vic. Talk about living in the edge. Please hide my details.
Smear Yogo All Over Subject: NEW Speed Camera LooksHave a look at the new speed camera set up recently on Albany Highway across the road from Carousel Shopping Centre in Cannington. These are going to be interesting to spot..
I heard if you drive through at over 200kmh they can't bust you... -Orsm
Tomas Subject: Editing FailJust grazing some of my other favourite sites. Would this constitute an "editing out your face" fail? :-) [link]
Clever girl. -Orsm
DP Subject: Girlfriends boobsHey orsm, I've been going to your site for years now! My girlfriend just moved to college and we've been webcamming a lot so I snapped a shot of her tits. Enjoy. Please withhold my information.
And they say long distance relationships don't work?! -Orsm
Richard Subject: ravensthorperidge.com.auRavensthorpe Ridge. FREE FIREARM WITH EVERY BLOCK SOLD. At first I thought only in America but apparently its right here in our beautiful southwest. Make sure you read the newspaper clipping. Apparently firearms"can be used by all the family for fun"
Steven Subject: Tender FAIL - names changed to protect the guilty A friend just sent me this extract from a tender prepared by a business that his company is associated with. It was about to go out to a customer before his boss proofed it for them and found a teeny, tiny little snafu... see if you can spot it.Hint - look closely at the screenshot. You may need to zoom in.Subject: Emailingfound this floating around the internet look at the guy in the background makes me want 2 cringe with hold all of my information please your valued viewer
No doubt about his parentage. Definitely bro/sis. -Orsm
djo Subject: photohey. it's been a while since I first thought of sending you this pic, but I never had the time. for info, this is a french plate... have a nice & orsm day
Subject: EmailingMy exgf please keep details hidden
God damn. -Orsm
Mummy Luv Subject: Pilbarahave attached pics from weekend. 4wd journey through the Pilbara..
Subject: bustyyo mr orsm, i met this chick online, she sent me some pics and i was stunned...can´t you tell why? ;) these boobs are oversized and look real to me ;) hide my details
You got played dude... that's Faith from inbedwithfaith.com. More here. -Orsm
Subject: goodtimes barsorry about quality of oic took it with my phone. wet t-shirt contest in mason county west virginia. please dont show my info
Supaduck Subject: Pirate EliminatorHeres a rather handy tool to have ..we could do with a couple of these over here to wipe out the illeagal whaling.
Subject: Check this hot slit!Howsit ORSM! First time contributor, long time viewer. Here are a few pictures of my flaming hot lady friend's great hole, I've got a lot more, but that stays mine :P. Please keep my details private.
Subject: Texas Apartment LivingSee attached... I haven't read the page 5 of my lease agreement lately, but I think it covered off topics like "Stopping Power - 357 Magnum vs 45 cal" and "Locating the centre body mass of burglars entering through windows". Long time fan of your work, keep kicking against the pricks mate.
DtM Subject: ouchHow not to use the escape line on a drilling rig
Ooops! -Orsm
Subject: Drone bombers - flown in Afganistan, controlled from USAThese controllers are at an Agency facility in Nevada and are each flying a drone thousands of miles away in the combat zone. The drone 'Predators' are fuelled, serviced and armed in Afghanistan by CIA technicians, but flown by Agency Controllers in the U.S. Their left hand is on the throttle controlling the drone's engine. Note all the buttons which perform various tasks without removing the hand from the throttle. The right hand is flying the plane. This is great modern warfare.
NOTES FOR THE MILKMANApparently actual notes left for the Milkman...
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one." "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.""Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it." "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.""Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way 'round." "When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.""Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's SOPRANOS. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?" "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?""Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me." "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.""From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk." "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.""Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday... or is it today?" "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.""No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
VERONICA 
This is a good one for no other reason than I fucking said so. But I know you guys will agree anyway... because I fucking said so. Check it...
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs? She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother: "What happened to your washcloth?" The mother responded that she had lost it.
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mummy, Mummy! I found your washcloth!" The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face with it!"
WOULD YOU EAT HERE? 
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Steve." I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home.
Okay enough. Please hold whilst I transfer you to the last bit...
. They're spry. - I can hardly believe it myself but next update will be next Thursday. otherwise my friend Ray will do everything in his power.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Spring [in the Valley]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
-
01 Oct 2009 12:51
2009.10.01-23.06 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Hey Hey it's Thursday!
Had a pretty good feeling that I'd return from my break to mayhem but this is a touch on the ridiculous side. Haven't stopped moving for two weeks straight and I'm not particularly sure where the energy is coming from. Sadly, I brought it all upon myself which is making it tough to blame on others. Believe me I've tried but there just isn't an obvious scapegoat.
Pretty sure I've just had a popular music revelation. Simply - 99% of current charted music is complete and utter, boring, repetitive, over produced crap. Not exactly news - there's always been shit out there to hate but with a few of the latest offerings we've finally peaked.
I was never one of those kids at school who idolised Metallica or AC/DC or hung out with a particular genre loving group. If I liked it, I listened and didn't care who it was, where it came from or if the metal lovers thought it was 'gay' and that's the way it's always been. Anyway for some reason lately I've been listening to commercial radio. Unusual because I tend to dwell on the 'talk' stations due to my strong need for news and sport [football] talk. There's also a new digital TV channel which plays the top 50 or whatever late nights so I've been watching that before sleep. In other words my exposure to what's popular is up a million percent.
Now this would be fine and dandy except all the current top 50 stuff is a debacle. Fuck knows when it happened or who's responsible but at this point I'm finding it hard to feel sorry for the poor record companies or starving artists losing millions to illegal downloads when this is what they serve up.
Examples? I have oh-so-many but let's start with the whiny, grinding noise of 'Flo Rida and Nelly Furtado - Jump'. Makes me fucking cringe and is an immediate switch off. 'Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling' is just retarded....mazel tov - seriously? The winner though is 'Guy Sebastian - Like it Like That' for the most unoriginal original song ever recorded. 'I like it like that' apparently the best this Aussie music god can come up with. Maybe if I was 15, less jaded, easier to impress, this shit would be okay but it's also the reason my car CD player is loaded with music worth listening to like Dire Straits, Michael Jackson and Fleetwood Mac.
Moving on... as I mentioned way up the top it's been hectic around here. Trying to catch up on the backlog has been time consuming, creating world class updates the same deal, friends in town, plus all the usual shit has stretched me like a gangbang world champion. There was also the undertaking of my new kitchen. Whilst I didn't quite underestimate what was involved, certain aspects took longer than anticipated. The good thing though is after making a start Friday afternoon, emptying the existing cupboards, waiting for electiricians and plumbers, assembling the flat packed cupboards, removing the nasty old ones, installing the new ones and in the process losing the entire long weekend the kitchen is pretty close to finished... basically just need to fit drawers and hang the doors. Nothing I haven't done before so with some luck, a lunch and engagement party out of the way, everything will be finished by Sunday. Of course there is still another weekend or two required to reclad walls but one damn thing at a time okay? Geez...
Okay should probably stop holding you bastards up. You're probably wondering if you should have bothered reading the blog babble or skipped straight to the cool stuff... the answer being the latter. I put in the hours compiling this bad boy so if you don't enjoy/appreciate/respect it then send me your address so I can come around and we can talk about it. Check it...
The GameOktoberfest BabesSophine Monk NakedAwesomenessEpic KOShear MeAmatuer Group Sex
Ann AngelBoob Is RightBacon Is GoodHawtie BabesViral-tasticHuman TetrisStrongman Contest
Oriental DelightsLong BombThe GoodsEat That!SYTYCD VaginaGay GaryShowoff Loser - Slip N' Slide
Col, the country lawyer, came across an old client outside the Alice Springs Court - an Aboriginal lady who was beaming from ear to ear. She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm and a slab of Fosters under the other. "G'day Mary" says Col "what are you looking so happy about today?" "Just been to da fambly court, Col and look, I got half da house and half da contents!" Had sex with a deaf and dumb girl last night and felt so ashamed this morning I broke all her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone. I saw a Paki drowning the other day and instantly contacted the emergency services. I hope they find him or it would have been the waste of a stamp! What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker? I cried when I cut up the onion. A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the fucking Post Office, you wanker."
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: a) You can immediately shank a lay-up, or, b) You can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt than a 10 foot one... Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.It's not a ‘gimme' if you're still 5 metres away. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; ie. back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. Hazards attract; fairways repel. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint or embedded in the far sidewall. It's easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 a.m. to mow the lawn.A good drive and 2nd shot on to the 18th green has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs if you are performing Brain Surgery!!!!
HAPPY GOLFING...
PERFECTION: MELISSA LAUREN 
MAMMOGRAMSMany women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turnover and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
THERE! YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
THE INVISIBLE MAN 
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
UGLY IS YOU 
Mail mail mail. Plenty to get through today so I'll cut straight to the part where tell you guys if you don't get busy rapidly firing emails to webmaster@orsm.net then the repercussions will be swift, brutal and painful. SO... for your own well being... get busy with your pics, jokes, vids and various oddities. But in the mean time - check it...
Gerrit Subject: RE Reggie or "Tank"[Link] It's a nice story though, well written. The tennisballs were a nice touch :)
Poor little puppy. -Orsm
David Subject: Filthy KnickersTo Orsm, to pass on to the filthy knickers bloke. How about pics of the hot model - not her fucking undies. Nood preferably.Jason Subject: Found digi camera picsHoly fucking fuck, that is just fucking unfair. It's unfucking fair that chicks that hot exist. It's unfucking fair that chicks that hot get that freaky. And it's mostly unfucking fair that the ugly small dicked wanker that they get freaky on isn't me. FUUUUUUUUUCK! Thanks mate, at least they're in my dreams now.
Can only assume he is offensively rich... -Orsm
Deano Subject: Royal Show - Babes Babes Babes!As far as girl watching goes, I would have to say the Perth Royal Show is worth the price of admission just for that aspect alone. I took the afternoon off work today and went. Fuck! Ball tingling babes dressed like porno strippers were everywhere. Mounds of jiggling tit flesh in push-up bras and tiny denim cut-off hot pants were making my eyes water. I am totally impressed with the fat-cracking jizz-magnets we have in this fair land. Even the teen hotties working in the fast food and show bag stalls were wank fodder and most were far more friendly than normal shop staff in Perth. Guys, if you haven't been to the show for a while, make sure you get along next year but be prepared to wank yourselves to death afterwards!
For anyone who has no idea what the Royal Show is click . Basically an extravaganza of lollies, chocolate, fast food and a very large sideshow alley full of screaming brats... and boobs apparently! -Orsm
Subject: Queensland PoliceHey Mr. Orsm, Been a long time perv of our site :o) can you please show this link so everyone can see what the Police are like in Queensland - just to warn em in case the go there, even if they google 'surfers paradise police' two shocking vids come up - both very bad. Please keep my details private too :o) thanks - love the website as do all of my friends I've recommended it to.
Adam
Subject: Do you find grand final time stressful?
Do you find grand final time stressful? Does the cost of expensive grand final tickets cause you concern? Do you fly into a panic trying to organise interstate travel and accommodation at short notice for the grand final? Are you driven to despair by the complicated process of grand final ticket ordering systems? Does the shortage of grand final tickets and the likelihood that competing club members will miss out get you down?Don't panic. Don't despair. A solution is at hand... SUPPORT FREMANTLE INSTEAD. No need for expensive grand final travel and accommodation. No grand final ticket angst. Give Grand Final stress the heave-ho. Support Freo. No flags, no worries.
Subject: Thought I'd share these
Hey Mr ORSM, Long time watcher - first time contributor. Thought you might like to take a look at my wife's awesome titties, so here goes Hide my details please. Keep up the good work M8Gorgeous boobs and we the people demand more! -Orsm
Subject: Merc for sale pic...Gotta see.Hi, We came across this bargain Merc for sale on the side of the road during our recent 4x4 trip into Botswana. Check it out. Imagine what you could pick up for a sheep or a cow!!!!!!!! If you use this please keep my details hidden.. Thanx. PS: I really think your site is cool..
martin Subject: here 1 - 4 ya. sky news uk / michael jacksonsky news screen capture from michael jacksons funeral with a bit of bad timing from the sports ticker. good on ya mate. keep up the good work
Subject: unfortunate tipHi Geezer, love the site etc. Here is a screenshot that I thought was a little amusing in all the wrong ways..........
Subject: Jacked JesusSeeing this as a child really would have really helped foster my belief in "a mighty god." Seen on the outside of a public restroom in Prague. Hide my details.
mike
Subject: Damn Economy
Damn economy. This poor girl can't even afford a pair of decent jeans. Another Victim of the Economy... and I don't suppose you noticed that the 'poor little thing' has no shoes! HA!!!!!
Subject: some stuff for you to look at...
a contradiction from the weather bureau, in the same day !!!Not really surprising. The BoM is useless. Forecast rain, you get sunburn. Forecast long dry summer, we get wettest summer in 14,000 years. -Orsm
Dennis Subject: MY CHEATING WIFEDear Sir, I think the picture tells the whole story. Enjoy your web sight, something new all the time. Take care, Dennis.
Subject: PicsHowdy. Someone around Calgary, Alberta, Canada has a real talent for respelling these portable signs; this is one of several we've seen. As for the sperm facial...the wife had a laugh when she saw the sign! The sausagefest was at school a few years ago, and went very well. S.O.P.
greg Subject: Jet BoatsG'day mate, great site, blah, blah, blah.... Went to a round of the national Jet-Boat champs at Round Mountain in noorthern NSW last weekend, appologies for the phone-cam pics....
Urban Golf Australia Subject: Australian Urban GolfWorld Urban Golf Day was held on saturday the 26th of September. The morning was foreboding with the danger of another dust storm thick in the air and howling gusts ripping through the streets. At just after midday as the wind died down the day was underway with a sea of bright blue and orange World Urban Golf Day t-shirts weilding clubs and smashing brightly coloured balls around a 3 block radius of the venue.
Subject: mr orsm Dear mr orsm long time fan first time poster heres a couple of pics of an ex of mine please with hold my details
Stuart Subject: Pressurisation problems !!Worth a look. As most will know, aeroplanes are pressurised when airborne, so to keep the cabin air is as close to the pressure on the ground, mainly for comfort reasons of course. Aeroplanes are usually pressurised at about 9 psi, so whilst the aeroplane is flying at altitude, the cabin would be equal to, say, around 10,000 feet. On rare occasions aeroplanes have to be tested on the ground... See attached.
Ky
Subject: funny rent boy story
Hi, Been a massive fan of your site for many years now! good work keep it up buddy!!!! Anyway, there is a point to this email. A pretty funny story exposing my friend's sister's fella as the cock sucking rent boy that he is. Her name is Clare and has been going out with this "Married man" for a while. Romours around the local pub was that he was doin a bit of knob lovin so she decided to try and catch him out. Followed him into the nearest city one evening to catch him getting into the back of a van with another guy.--Ken-- Subject: Show them to me......Howdy Mr. Orsm, Your site just keeps getting better and better, much appreciated! Long time visitor and have submitted before and submitting again. Here some H-cups of a gal I shagged. She is a little on the thick side but hot in the sack. AINT SKEERED to show my details.
PAUL Subject: School Answering MachineThis is the message that the Maroochydore High School, Queensland, Australia, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
Gladys Dunn had recently moved into a retirement community in a small town. One beautiful Sunday morning she walked to church not far from her apartment. She was in awe of the beautiful church, as well as music from the choir.
She wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was kind of boring, and as she looked around the church, she noticed that many of the parishioners were nodding off. When the reverend finished, he encouraged his congregation to greet those sitting close to him.
Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake up. He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile. She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn." "You and me both!" the man replied.
VENDULA MAGIC 
... and on and on and on and on until the end of time. It's RS. Check it the fuck out...
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate, sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin" me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
GRIZZLY GUY 
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Bert replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *POOF*, the light goes on. When I'm done, *POOF*, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *POOF*!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *POOF* the light goes off?" "OH MY GAWD!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!!"
Well that be all. Except the outro thingy that is:
. You don't know what you're missing I assure you. - Next update will be next Thursday. Yeah it will. otherwise my friend Ray will pretend he didn't hear you say the safe word...
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and thank you September for all your awesomeness. I'll never forget you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
-
24 Sep 2009 09:37
2009.09.24-23.oh2 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Whoa... gay
And just like that I'm back to reality. 11 days, 3146 kilometres, 367 litres of fuel, 45 hours behind the wheel, 2100 photos and it's all over. Had a fucking great time, saw some amazing country and finally, for the first time in too long, had a chance to relax. Not really sure how to squeeze everything into one blog but here is the truncated version...
Departure was the Tuesday. Destination Kalgoorlie - a mining town 600 kilometres due east. The longest single drive I've ever done and learnt a lot on the way... like there's a whole different set of road rules compared to the south west highways I'm used to, particularly when it comes to overtaking large vehicles and road trains. This is where, due to inexperience, I managed to get myself positioned between a huge truck towing a huge load and the Pilot vehicle behind it. Not the place to be and I now know this because my windscreen has the stone chips to prove it...
Started the next day at the Super Pit, Australia's largest open cut gold mine. Essentially a massive 500 metre deep hole in the ground and one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Could easily have sat there all day watching the Haul Packs and other machinery cruise up and down. From there it was off to do the Langtrees tour which [I swear] was my first time in a brothel. Kind of interesting but was a little creeped out by the strong disinfectant smell.
Said goodbye to Kal on Thursday and headed 400kms directly south to a coastal town called Esperance which is nice, but to be honest, totally fucking boring... the drive however is spectacular. The landscape changes so dramatically from bush to forest to mining to agricultural to fields of green and yellow to coastal. Had no idea all that was in my own backyard. Thankfully less big trucks to deal with too but holy crap talk about your Grey Nomads - old farts in a four-wheel-drive towing a caravan or campervans etc. I used to think caravanning was dead, you don't see them anymore, but that's because they're all out there!
Spent Friday exploring the Cape Le Grande National Park which is 50kms from Esperance and definitely a highlight. Weather was average so didn't walk around or climb shit much but enjoyed it immensely. Tonnes of bays and beaches, plains and mini mountainy things which are absolutely breathtaking. From there I did the Great Ocean Drive - a 40km circuit which admittedly offsets in part for the pointlessness of Esperance.
Saturday. Depart west for Albany. Around 480kms but same deal as the drive to Esp - simply amazing countryside. So many places I had to stop and take photos... which was a tad inconvenient due to my fucking seatbelt buckle breaking for no good reason. It still worked, but you had to jiggle with it for a few minutes before it would lock in. Very annoying and not something you can go without when the roads are all 110km/hr zones.
This was my second trip to Albany and appreciated it a lot more this time. The town is old with a long history and there's plenty to look at and do... unless it's a Sunday and everything is closed. Odd to drive down the main street of a major tourist town and find most places closed.
Departed Monday for Dunsborough. Only about 400kms west but takes forever because there's so much to check out along the way and the route isn't direct. I love this drive. I could do it back and forward every day. You see a sign, a track, a road -whatever- and it will almost always lead somewhere interesting which incidentally is what happened on Hilltop Lookout. A track in the middle of nowhere which provided some awesome scenery and also claimed my front left tyre. Note to self: low profile rubber on isolated, pothole-ridden tracks is a bad idea...
Took the next few days to explore all my usual favourite spots [beaches, wineries, towns, bakeries, wineries and wineries...] around the Margaret River Region and again a whole bunch of others I'd never before come across plus take some time to sit on my butt and chill out. Always a novelty to have a Wednesday and Thursday to myself where scrambling madly to get the update finished is not part of it.
Friday was mixed emotions. Both glad and devastated to be heading home. The trip was perfect, much overdue and much needed but the longer I was gone the more cut off from the world I felt... and by that I mean insane family and friends, 16 hour work days and so on. Seriously - thank God [Steve Jobs?] for the iPhone and ability to check email just about anywhere.
There's a whole bunch of pics below I snapped below if you're keen for a look. Let me know what you think! If not there's always the rest of the update. Check it...
Get Off Ya Noodle!PerfectoTash's BeerfestFun With D&DLohan VaginaHuuuge BewbsPAWG Pornstars
Kyla ColeThe Egg PrankBad HangoverNear MissFreakout KidScooter LoserFifty Percent Grey
Sneak A PeakHitler's MessageFish ThiefAward MomentsPink BitsBody CheckedTowel-Matic
Is it to soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet? How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say 'congratulations'. But none of them rub your dick and say 'well done'. My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine..."
REGGIE
They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.
But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.
But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes, and a sealed letter from his previous owner. See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.
For some reason, his stuff (except for the tennis balls - he wouldn't go anywhere without two stuffed in his mouth) got tossed in with all of my other unpacked boxes. I guess I didn't really think he'd need all his old stuff, that I'd get him new things once he settled in. but it became pretty clear pretty soon that he wasn't going to.
I tried the normal commands the shelter told me he knew, ones like "sit" and "stay" and "come" and "heel," and he'd follow them - when he felt like it. He never really seemed to listen when I called his name - sure, he'd look in my direction after the fourth of fifth time I said it, but then he'd just go back to doing whatever. When I'd ask again, you could almost see him sigh and then grudgingly obey.
This just wasn't going to work. He chewed a couple shoes and some unpacked boxes. I was a little too stern with him and he resented it, I could tell. The friction got so bad that I couldn't wait for the two weeks to be up, and when it was, I was in full-on search mode for my cell phone amid all of my unpacked stuff. I remembered leaving it on the stack of boxes for the guest room, but I also mumbled, rather cynically, that the "damn dog probably hid it on me."
Finally I found it, but before I could punch up the shelter's number, I also found his pad and other toys from the shelter. I tossed the pad in Reggie's direction and he snuffed it and wagged, some of the most enthusiasm I'd seen since bringing him home.
But then I called, "Hey, Reggie, you like that? Come here and I'll give you a treat." Instead, he sort of glanced in my direction - maybe 'glared' is more accurate - and then gave a discontented sigh and flopped down with his back to me.
Well, that's not going to do it either, I thought. And I punched the shelter phone number.
But I hung up when I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that, too. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice"... CONTINUES HERE....
WESTERN AUSTRALIA by Orsm 
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and se es that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!" To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do 'johnsons'". You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?" The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dick toad!"
DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH DANI 
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak...
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the balls.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor, "She's a flute player in the Manchester Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye".
SUCK IT DOWN! 
READER MAILMail returns with a very loud BANG! Leaving my inbox alone for a few weeks had me return home to over 400 new emails so what you'll find below is the cream of the crop. There's a shitload more which I'll post in the next couple of update but in the mean time you dudes should feel free to click here and keep filling my box with anything and everything.
Lauren wrote: Subject: Raandom ShiteMr Orsm, You posted a picture of a clock in your RS this week - but I don't get the significance of it? I couldn't see anything wrong or funny or rude with it. the only thing I noticed was that the clock had 'IIII' instead of 'IV', but surely that can't be it. please enlighten me. Thanks.
Looooooooots of people asked about this. I saw it as the four being wrong - should be IV not IIII. Pretty lame but I stared at it for V minutes before I worked it out. Problem is answered in the email below... -Orsm
Pete H. wrote: Subject: Quick question... a lot of clocks with roman numerals on use IIII instead of IV. Try doing a google image search for "clock face" and have a gander at [this]. Its one of those things you don't notice until its pointed out I guess! I know I never knew about it until I was told a couple of years ago.
Philip wrote: Subject: sad disgusting lion videoi saw this footage on tv years ago. the lion wasnt being hunted for sport, it was a maneater.Gill wrote: Subject: Re: Hamas Child BridesYou are so right as always Orsm. Keep up the great work. Surprisingly this has not hit Snopes yet, ah well.
Lynx Raven Raide wrote: Subject: RE: Hamas Mass WeddingLooked it up, and you were right to call BS. While there was a mass wedding, with most of the grooms getting $500 (due to not being able to afford the cost of a wedding ceremony) the girls weren't the brides. From here, the youngest bride was 16, and given that the original video/story that people are basing it on comes from a site called WeJew. I would think it is safe to say there is more than just as little slanting going on here. The girls are probably the equivalent of Christian flower girls, that's all.
jordaan wrote: Subject: requestI have been a long time reader of this web site, thus the reason i write this request, i am very patriotic and since south africa does not have a "nice site" with tru home grown honnies on i request that the south african readers send me some pics of nude south africa girls " asb nie boesman fotos nie". Thx manne<with held> wrote: Subject: garido house With regards to [this]. I also did the same. But then I found something creepy. In that picture, notice there is a van in the driveway. Now go to street view and head south. You will see the van drive out of the driveway and then follow the Google car to the next intersection. At the intersection, you can see the people in the car, a man driving, a woman in the front seat and what looks like someone in the back. What are the chances!
Dubs wrote: Subject: For those interestedI recently undertook a build on my bike, here is a before and also some after shots.
When can I take it for a spin? BTW I have never ridden a bike before - does that matter? -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: Warning Slut. With attachment this timeHeres a great status update. Please keep email confidential. Thanks
<with held> wrote: Subject: filthy knickersHey Mr ORsm, A pic of my step daughters filthy knickers. She's 24, model looks and still a VIRGIN. I get great pleasure checking out her huge selection of g-strings. Sometimes I get em when they are still moist!
Wrong on SO many levels. -Orsm
V wrote: Subject: Belinda Neals OfficeThis is Belinda Neal's office on the Central Coast of NSW. Her husband John De La Bosca's office must be the one on the left.
<with held> wrote: Subject: biker partybrothers of the wheel club party in west virginia.please withhold my info
My invite get lost in the mail...? -Orsm
John wrote: Subject: YOU JUST CAN'T FIX STUPIDSure Wish They Would Invent Something To Keep The Sun Out Of My Eyes.
I have done this... -Orsm
Ken wrote: Subject: Javelina (collared pecary) photosLong time fan. First time contributor blah blah blah. Javelina (technically, collared pecary) are native to northern Mexico and West Texas/New Mexico. These photos were taken at the Bellah Ranch just north of the Rio Grande in Terrell County, Texas. Game warden only lets us shoot two a year, so these are the only pictures you're getting this year. There's more available if you want them. Lovely little things, huh?Joseph wrote: Subject: Black GirlHere's a pic of a bimbo who had sex with me because she was pissed off and wanted to get back at her ex-fiancee. It's all good by me :)
dean wrote: Subject: picsmate of mine found a camera plz hide details lov ya wk.
Supaduck wrote: Subject: B-1How to pick up a B1 bomber. Who to blame... Pilot or riggers. What it takes to get a pretty airplane back up on it's legs when someone lands it gear-up.It's incomprehensible how this happened, except "someone forgot to put the gear handle down".
OneMan wrote: Subject: Blasting incident (Queensland)oops... 
Kim wrote: Subject: aussie cockWas hoping you could post this on your site, I was fucked by this aussie guy with a huge cock and I wanted to share it with your readers. I took some photos before he did the deed and I look forward to Cumming back to Australia if all the men have tools like this one.
Reminds me a bit of my own except I have substantially more girth and length. -Orsm
Man Eater wrote: Subject: Now THIS is a petIF you thought the legend of the horse whisperer was impressive, here's an animal tale with even more bite. Rather than trying to tame wild stallions, fearless Costa Rican fisherman Chito prefers a playful wrestle in the water with his best pal Pocho - a deadly 17ft crocodile.
<with held> wrote: Subject: How bout a real F40Dude, top site. Been following since 01. Came across the "F40" photos in reader mail last update. Have included some pics of a real F40 if you're interested. I got to have a perv at it while working at Barbagallo last year. Excuse the shitty phone camera quality.
DtM wrote: Subject: Photos of the BlowoutPTT Montara blowout..... 
<with held> wrote: Subject: Mr. OrsmHere's some good shit. Attached are Pictures of some silly Russian bitch I talked to on an anonymous chat site. She's obviously not too shy, as you can see. Nice tits, too. Please hide details! Thank you sir, And splendid site.
Ross wrote: Subject: Sydney dust stormSydney is experiencing a rather severe dust storm today - here's some photographs of just how bad it is !!!!
You say it was a dust storm, I say it was a nod to Sydney's favourite website, Orsm.net. -Orsm
Dj wrote: Subject: EmailingHere s one for you ..... the boys at work and how not to get your boat on the trailer...hope you like it.
Greg wrote: Subject: accidentRussian Hydro plant accident
This one requires PowerPoint or some sort of PP viewer people. -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: Black Is BeautifulI'm in awe! The blacker they are.... 
Tony, just about blind drunk, ambled into a bar and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple - orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for it. He paid the 50-buck fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike the bouncer cold.
Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bulls ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps.
Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony re-entered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now, where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"
COME FLY WITH ME 
Yeah yeah! Check it...
A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. The both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem", the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see", says the manager, "and this fucking bitch is giving you a hard time, is she?"
IT'S ALL ABOUT BRITTNEY 
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
You guys have NO IDEA how close this update came to never existing. My birthday, friends in town, dinners, socialising, a drunken Saturday night, the kitchen project underway, a phone that has not stopped ringing - literally continual interruptions. I bring it on myself don't I? Shouldn't have scheduled everything this week, shouldn't have been born in September, shouldn't be so charismatic and likeable. That said, if you don't have such an exciting, action packed life then the following is for you...
. They'll keep more amused than fat people. - Next update will be next Thursday... or maybe it wont. Will see what else is happening and let you know okay...?otherwise my friend Ray will paint the town... orange.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy birthday Nath. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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21 Sep 2009 02:43
Most Spectacular Tits Ever
Double Dead Leg
Gospel Aerobics
Insane Blue Balls
Video Store Blowjob
Elk Calf Having Fun
How To Change A VW Belt
Girl Falls Off Skateboard
Fuck & Facial
Roy Al Is A God
Sore Loser
Flaming Trick Goes Wrong
Chocolate Hottie
Player Tackles Teammate
Pregnant Aerobics
Passed Out & Humped
Emo Couple Fuck It Out
City Council Crazies
Drifter Takes Out Spectators
Ghostly Mirror Image
Chi-merican Girl
Demolition Crane Collapse
Failed Landing Gear
On A Door?
Brunette's Creamy Pussy
X5 Cannot Park For Shit
Old Lady Extreme Makeover
Sexual Abuse PSA
Worst Porn Ever
Wogs Stuck In A Lift
Gay Rollerblading
And They Kiss
Work That Pussy
The Final Countdown Cover
The Big Egg
Fighter Jet Cruise
Interracial Couple
Shits Himself
1500 Foot Hole
Oompa Loompa Army
Chair Fucking
Train Vs Car Collision
The Boobs Slip Out
Simply Awesome
Big Juicy Facial
Worst Baseball Caller Of All Time
Electrified Doorknob
Redneck Car Jumpin'
Blonde Getting It Hard
Show Kite Boarding Mishap
Weightlifting Accident
Gun It And Run It
Webcam Hotness
Under The Radar
Self Taser Test
High Qual Advertising
On Her Back
Dryer Prank Gone Wrong
1959 Vs 2000 Crash Test
Blow Job Game
Juicy Threeway
Parking Garage Accident
Scared Puppy
The Immigration Song
Cutie Chinese Girl
Coaster Titties Come Out
Cow Eats Chicken
Driver Soaks Kids At Bus Stop
Fucked Hard In The Butt
Clumsy Cops
Unsuccessful Roadblock
Mugger Owned
Sexy Young Blonde
I Need A Push!
Neo Geo Dancing Guy
Perfect Endo 
College Couple
Singer Nip Slip
Russian Big Brother
High Voltage
Blindfolded BJ
Big Tit Girlfriend
Dog Rapes Junkie
Musical Wedding
Blue Angel Fly By
Sensational Footjob
Impressive Bus Accident
Sweet Georgia Tractor Band
Fatty On A Moped
We Like Em Chubby
Steak Of War
Retarded Mosh
Awesome Handy
Subaru Track Rollover
Patti Lupone Freakout
Scooter Vs Tree
Moutful Of Cum
Bad Landing At St. Barts
Deep Sleep Boxer
Gently Ride It
Crazy Granny
Boating & Morons Don't Mix
The Milk Challenge
Bend Over
Fresh Tar
75 Mph Reading A Book
Worst Rap Battle Ever
Amazing POV Facial
Hot Couple Fucking
Spectacular Bike Wipeout
What Not To Do
Ah-1 Cobra Crash
Gorgeous Blonde
Hawaii Surf Fight
Faints On Air
No No I Want To Lead!
Don't Like The Taste
Flying Low
Watch That Step
Getting Jiggy With It
Extremely Enjoyable BJ
Speed Boat Accident
Drunk Driver
Flying Fox Fail
Seductive Strip
Big Rally Car Crash
Dog Humping Dog
Scooter Vs Garage
Closeup Creampie
They All Fall Down
ATV And Bikini's Don't Mix
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