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20 Nov 2009 12:08
puts on hold my sci-fi search from a while back. There were some stellar must-see suggestions of which I'm still slowly working through, my favourite of which was definitely Firefly. Anyway with this in mind I'm wondering who can come up with some long forgotten films from the 80's? Stuff that you adored as a kid only to never see it since. Email me - I'll try and get a list going.
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19 Nov 2009 17:39
2009.11.19-23.08 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Deep down, if I'm being honest with myself, I don’t really respect mass murderers.
Awww Thursday. Huggles. So how the hell is you all? I'll assume great... now that you're here. I'll assume excited... now they you're here. I'll assume aroused or envious... since reports of my massive penis went global.
Think I'm stuck in a nostalgia phase. Found this yesterday. Was our favourite cartoon growing up and must have seen it a million times but haven’t thought about it since I was a kid. This follows on from finally figuring out the name of a movie I've been looking for since forever. All I remembered was one particular scene about a boy with a weird family, whose sister didn’t have a mouth. Pretty vague but in less than two minutes and with thanks to the IMDB forums I had the title. Another that I knew the name of but couldn’t find/buy/see anywhere until recently [thank you internets] was Frog Dreaming. Always wondered why such an awesome kids movie never made it to DVD and after tracking it down online now know... comments and language that by today's standards would be deemed far too racist. For instance you just can't say abo's instead of aboriginals anymore.
I suppose this puts on hold my sci-fi search from a while back. There were some stellar must-see suggestions of which I'm still slowly working through, my favourite of which was definitely Firefly. Anyway with this in mind I'm wondering who can come up with some long forgotten films from the 80's? Stuff that you adored as a kid only to never see it since. Email me - I'll try and get a list going.
Moving on to my weekend, my life. Thought it would be a smart idea to do my weekly shopping a bit earlier than usual and as it turned out I'm not the only smart person out there. Matter of fact at the local behemoth shopping centre even at 10am there were far more smart people than car bays so after 10 minutes of driving circles I bailed and went elsewhere. It really shouldn’t be so hard to buy toilet paper and apples.
I suppose this signals the beginning of the Christmas season. Countless bodies cluttering up malls everywhere with one goal - to fuck me off. Well mission accomplished. You win again, Santa! It obviously also means that once again I've left my run to sort presents for 'loved ones' before retail insanity sets in, too late. This may be a good time to experiment with Ikea and Bunnings gift vouchers. "Oh I didn’t know what to get you so I'll let you decide..."
Anyway from there I went to a local shopping centre. Nothing overly remarkable about the experience except for a promotion happening in the car park - a bunch of guys carrying aerosol cans, running after people walking to their cars attempting to demonstrate their revolutionary cleaning products. I literally had to argue with the guy not to spray the shit on my car. According to him being fanatical about washing my car and having tried every single product on the market since I was 17 does not qualify me to know what I'm talking about. However making $6 an hour chasing people around a suburban car park does him. Go figure.
We went bowling that night. Don't laugh - not my idea. Number one: don’t really enjoy things I'm bad at. Number two: it's bowling. The thing that surprises me however is the popularity. If you don’t pre-book, you aint bowling. The place is wall to wall of families, teenage boys and girls dressed like Miley. Amazing how high-tech it's all gone too. The computer scoring thing is fast, tells you the ball speed, even shows video replays of the pins going down, there's projector screens over every lane, special lighting - it's decked out. My point... there's shit loads of cash in bowling alleys or the owner is just really passionate about bowling.
Sunday. Up early, cleaned aforementioned already relatively clean car in record time of 1:20mins [another benefit of not smoking] and sat down at the damn computer for the rest of the day. Probably the biggest, most egregious waste of what was a spectacular Sunday possible BUT in my defence I had no choice. The next three weeks are going to be mayhem so it's a choice between no updates or no weekends. I hope you ingrates fucking appreciate it... hah I know you don’t so the jokes on me.
Alrighty then... I feel like that's enough for one blog. Seems like a wasted couple of hours writing it when everyone scrolls past the damn thing but let's be honest here - without my words millions, possibly billions would have nothing in their lives. So umm... check it...
Play PokerThe Funk OffSophie MonkWedding CrasherHero BabesI LOL'dThis Is CoolBlonde Blo-J
Amazing CostumePerfect BoobsDemolition FailFlexible SashaLame GamerEmanuelle BikiniJenna Presley
Fucking ScaryDisney BabeBeard ChampFuppetsCarmen ElectraTay Sells's OutTwister!Almost Genius
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." "Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born - couldn't walk for a year!" Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of terrorists didn't realise what a virgin really looks like. An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle says. The mouse replies, "2000 feet!? You ain't shittin' me, are you?" -- A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, Whut's Thaaat?!" he asked. His Canadian friend looked out the window, and said, "Oh, that's a Moose." "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yoor cats aroond here?"
Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
SHAY LAREN 
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, I feel fine."
"What about the wooden Leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, a lost the leg, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"Well what about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
“Now I know you're kidding me," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook."
A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute.
The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.
The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is." The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either!"
RETIRED SPORTSCARS 
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, woman!? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you fucking crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
INAKADATE RICE FIELD ART 
Subject: Irish Soccer InsiderLOL. These look genuine enough. They can't be though, can they??!!! I know the Frog is a short-arse, but this is excellent. The letters were leaked today showing a major breakdown in communication between the French Government and the Irish over the upcoming World Cup qualifying play-off. There's now a full-blown diplomatic row brewing.
Maybe this is why the French cheated...? -Orsm
douglas Subject: 21st prank on google mapshey dude this is what my mates dad did on his 21st put these cordinates into google maps and zoom in 15kg of flour was used in the making of this... 27 26 36.49 s 153 09 06.74 e
Unlucky for Matt. -Orsm
Ben Subject: Re: reguarding: This Is WRONGRemember the fatass that ate the pizza rolls? Well I was watching Tosh.0 on MTV and I saw you know who again. Check this out if you can
So so wong. -Orsm
Looking at the photos of "Hiroshima" it was obvious to me that those are actually photos of Yokohama. Most notable is Landmark tower, the clock ferris wheel. You can see this view from the Minato Mirai 21.
Had a couple of images about this. Seems to be true.
Subject: Wogs...Hey Orsm, haven't written before, long time reader, great site, keep it up, blah blah. Just thought I'd point out to one of your readers that 'wog' is a perfectly correct derogatory slang term for Arabs/Lebanese, North Africans, basically any dark skinned types from somewhere in Africa or Asia.
I too have a word that describes everyone. Can you guess it? Here's a hint: starts with a 'C' and ends with 'unts'. -Orsm
Subject: Huge BarraORSM. Love the site. It's not a barramundi it is a Nile Perch caught out of the Nile scales on a Barra that big would be the size of a dinner plate these photos have done the rounds for about 10 yrs.
Subject: Clarkson Bulk Rubbish - PC CollectionAs seen by a mate in Clarkson on the way home from work. Who could possibly have that many spare computers???
A super hacker... I'm sure there's millions of them in Clarkson... -Orsm
Subject: Deer loses head-butt with lawn ornamentA love-struck buck ran out of luck a week ago. The seven-point buck was killed when it rammed a 640-pound concrete statue of an elk. Bucks often fight during the breeding season, commonly called the rut. Dominant bucks defend breeding territories and female deer by sparring with subordinate bucks. Antler battles sometimes result in the death of one or both deer, but usually end with the biggest buck winning and the smaller buck high-tailing it out to another area.
Subject: heyi would like to stay anonymous if at all possible thank you. this is one of my ex girlfriends
Rich Subject: Family GuyDon't you just love it when the banner adds work out so well with the story?
Taz Subject: For Reader MailHey Orsm, Long time fan, first time poster. I live in Ottawa, Canada and since its the seat of the federal government and the capital of Canada, most people call it the "Town that Fun Forgot". Well it looks like someone decide to rectify that with this addition to one of the local signs. Quite the professional job. Keep up the good work.
Subject: ToiletMate! Was having some food at some jetty at some remote island North of Borneo (Malaysia) when I really had to go... But when I saw this, aarggh, I would rather shit elsewhere. rgds/Long Time Reader
Isn't this the shitbox from Slumdog Millionaire...? -Orsm
Gordon wrote: Subject: Roast Turkey RecipeHAPPY THANKSGIVING.......... Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays. Ingredients: 1 whole turkey, 1 large lemon, cut into halves, salt and pepper to taste, butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer, Heat oven to 350 degrees, Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer. Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat. Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts. Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes. If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture. Bon Appetit!
Miss J Subject: funny add i foundhey there mr. orsm just wanted to share this with you my local newspaper printed this and i think they may not have looked at the business title properly, really funny.. PS: love the site
patrick Subject: Just plain wrong headlinesI think these militants need to change their name...
I have to imagine that the MILF look something like this. -Orsm
The_Shitman Subject: Dear Mr OrsmI have visited your site so long I don't remember when I first saw it. I think its been well over 7 years but I could be wrong. I want to submit a few pictures here. I would like to submit this picture of my ex girlfriend who left me because I took up a very unique form of art. After taking several art classes at college I was inspired to try my hand at fecal art and have been hooked ever since. It has gotten me banned on the poopreport forums since 2002 but I could not let that stop me. Please feel free to not hide my info as I'm an aspiring artist!!
Holy fucking shit?! She really left you because you found a calling in fecal art? What's her fucking problem? What a bitch! Don't worry though - you'll have the last laugh when poop art hits the mainstream and you become famous. -Orsm
OneMan Subject: Broken BrakesCustomer Reported Some Brake Fade ?
This guy is driving behind you in traffic... -Orsm
Subject: HelloHi. I saw the sky burial pictures in one of your last updates. I have traveled through the same town (LiTang) in western China. Here are some photos. Unbelievable how many vultures there are. The body is gone in about 10 min. After that the "butcher" smashes the bones with an ax and feeds it to the birds. Usually the family sits just a few meters away, drinking tea and having flat bread.
V Subject: You'll love thisPerhaps there is some connection here with why some people and dogs are attracted to each other Syria and Roscoe live at the Tigers sanctuary in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.The orangutan was in the rescue center and was not doing well. This old hound wandered in truly emaciated and the orangutan took to him the moment the dog arrived. He stayed with the hound night and day until he was well and during the process found a reason to live. They are now inseparable. A dog's not just a man's best friend, he's an orangutan's friend too.
<with held> wrote: Subject: skanks! Jager Bombs!I've enjoyed your site for a long time. Thanks!! Here are some photos of a skank-hoe showing her goods off at Hanging Rock state park outside of Greensboro, NC USA. Enjoy!! Hide info...
Umm... wow. -Orsm
glenn Subject: BANG aka KaBoom aka Revolver MishapHey there got this email from a friend this is the reason you study how to reload ammo for handguns and firearms of all kinds hope to see this in the next update! A little reminder"DO NOT RELOAD AMMO FOR ANY FIREARM UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!" p.s. The guy got lucky this could have very easily killed him!
OneMan Subject: Coffee with Mona Lisa??Artist assistants stand next to 3,604 cups of coffee which have been made into a giant Mona Lisa in Sydney, Australia. The 3,604 cups of coffee were each filled with different amounts of milk to create the different shades!!
Mark G wrote: Subject: Sculpture By The Sea in Sydney.Hi Your Orsmeness, I went to the Sculpture By The Sea free open air exhibition the other day. It's held in parks and along the path between Bondi & Tamarama Beaches. There were lots of interesting shapes there. Gotta luv Sydney!
Absolutely sensational. I'm adding you to my will. -Orsm
Ewart Subject: Ft. Hood Massacreinside Ft. Hood & what dune-coons think of humans
The play by play was interesting... not sure that all muslims could be called dune-coons however... okay most but definitely not all. -Orsm
OneMan Subject: IraqLife in Iraq - A US soldiers POV
Fascinating. Requires PowerPoint or PP Viewer.-Orsm
Subject: Mum and daughter shoppingHey Orsm, Love ya site. Found this the other night surfing the net thought you might like. Is this not the coolest mum in the world with the hottest daughter!? Wish more would do the same! Please hide my details & keep up the good work
President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: The country is in good hands under the new President, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. "Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says" "I can't! It's in Arabic!"
EVA ANGELINA 
Check it...
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them was playing like they wanted to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?” asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP, the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."
SAGGERS 
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning?
And that's me pretty much done... except for the guff:
. It's like orgasm x 100. - I promise next update will be next Thursday. ORSM-DOT-NET. Ray can fuck off because he's a faggot.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and masturbate like noboby's watching. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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18 Nov 2009 04:35
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14 Nov 2009 22:25
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12 Nov 2009 18:34
2009.11.12-23.00 
Welcome to Orsm.net. I accept no one cares what I think. So should you.
Howdy dudes. Thanks for taking the time to join me again today. I promise that your Orsm experience will be unforgettable. Better than sex. Better than how your feet feel when taking your shoes off after a long day. Better than lying on the couch after you take your shoes off. More enjoyable than passing a really huge poo.
For some stuuuuupid reason I decided it would be a good idea to combine the quit smoking thing with what we'll call an 'amended ingestion strategy'. Doctors say you're better off concentrating on one thing at a time which is actually pretty good advice. Why? It's simple - instead of just suffering nicotine withdrawals you suffer nicotine AND food withdrawals which in turn makes symptoms at least 74,300 times worse. OMG COOL HUH!?
With all these changes [read: severe withdrawals] going on there's a good chance [read: I can say with certainty] my mental state is slightly [read: extremely] altered. For starters I'm desperately looking to fight anyone about anything. Example: across various interpersonal interactions last week it occurred to me that everyone was in some way being selfish whereas I was -as always- being forced to put myself second. Whether it was me or them we'll probably never know but thankfully it did provide an avenue to flex my argumentative tendencies. All kind of funny really. It's like losing your mind but being fully aware of it.
Moving on. My favourite news story this week was the crackpot Muslim sheikh who was charged with sending "suck shit" mail to families of Aussie Diggers killed serving in Afghanistan. This whilst claiming he's a peace activist. The best part however was after his court appearance. Despite not facing removal or interference of any kind the sheikh chained himself to a pole and then started preaching his special brand of crazy going as far as to call for The Wiggles to get behind his cause. Video here. To me it seemed more like he was shitting himself. Back peddling on his story about what his real intentions were to avoid being jailed. Holy crap that would be funny though. The little twerp would last all of two minutes before some patriotic Aussie inmate provided a reality check in the form of a brutal beating and rape. On the other hand I've probably watched far too much Oz over the years and have a distorted view of what actually goes on...
Anyway, this guys antics do beckon two questions. Firstly, is he for real? If I wanted to make all Muslims look like deranged psycho's I'd dress up like a batshit crazy sheikh and do what he's doing. Secondly, if he's not for real how come no one in the Mus community is standing up to distance themselves from him? Way to integrate into Australia, Muslims!
Alright enough of the guff. I shant bore you with my mediocre weekend or victories against retailers who were trying to touch me up... I'll save it for later. Okay check it...
Game TimeGod DAMN!Validation80's BrilliancePerfectionStonersCrackpotsGlee HottieAsian Slut
Too FunnyPee SermonBoob-tasticSo So CloseEva's SlipYeeee-ha!Flipping OutAll That Ass
Stupidity ReignsBrainy BabesHilari-horseAmazing DeeRisky Wipeout - Teen Pimps - Hawt Blonde - Coconuts
As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him that before he dies, god has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met: "First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!" "Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!" "Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body." The angel writes these down and begins to float away to report back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing." "What is it," says the Angel. The Pope whispers, "Big tits." A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shat my pants."
The Golfing Nun a nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
MELISSA LAUREN 
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well, I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO".
DIVING THE ROWLEY SHOALS 
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??" "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone..."
SEMA 2009 
Reader Mail is an invisionary concept first introduced on Orsm which has been copied and rebranded on websites and in publications the world over. Essentially it relies on readers to submit interesting and thought provoking videos or pictures of ex girlfriends in compromising positions, friends doing foolish things, anything car related, mayhem and destruction, jokes - literally anything which can be emailed, hurled or willed my way. Contributors can remain anonymous whilst having their works immortalised forever in the Orsm Archives. And how do you do this? Simple. Just click here.
Peter Subject: Re:Interracial couple vidI can see where the blokes coming from, I mean most 'normal' porn is between different races, however it's only when they are of different colours that it's marked 'Interracial'. When was the last time you saw a scene with an American slut and a French stud labelled interracial?Trevor Subject: HeyAlways love the site. Written in a couple times for a couple submissions, n critiques on reader mail...this is the latter. The very first post from last week from J, about the interracial porn clip. This bloke clearly has not ever been on a porn site before. For fucks sake mate, any porn site will have "interracial" as a sex category, along side amateur, teen, toy, lesbian, gay, old, fetish, bdsm, etc etc.Matthew Subject: Worlds largest bikini paradeLook at the comment on the black chicks image "We hope these girls were wearing sunscreen"
Gregory Subject: Random Shite on 10/4Re: this image. Whoever made this motivational must be an Aussie. Even IF the photo was intentionally reversed for the purpose of poking fun at the guy, the Southern cross pictured is the same as displayed on Brazilian flag.
Subject: Dude Watch Woopie "Cushion"Hey Mr Orsm - You are a funny man. Watch Woopie "Cushion" Goldberg @1.30 into this VID. What the hell is up with WG here, is she letting one rip on set ?
maxbinda Subject: NEW PICTUREThis man is my friend... i'm very happy JUST MARRIED it's realy picture
So happy he may have shit himself... -Orsm
Is like they dont even bother trying to hide the fact you can buy favourable *news* stories for your products anymore. Is this the content Rupert wants to start charging users for???
Subject: gotta love those pop upsChecked your site every Thursday for years, keep up the good work. 1st submission, please hide my details. Thanks
Adam Subject: Total Wrong MSN HeadlineHi Orsm, Love your site. I was checking out the news headlines on NineMSN today and came across this. Don't you think if they had the sex attack on tape they would give it to the police or at least sell it online? Not just give it away for free. Thanks.
Jeff Subject: Scam and addHi i was looking up the details of a company that just scamed me and found this web site about the scamming company only to find that the scamers have a add on the anti scam site. WTF. Thanks
Nathaniel Subject: Hanging my head in shameMy mom heard about the homeless blow jobs rumor. She told me I had to submit something this week or she would beat me with a rubber hose (I know what you are thinking, "she must be a total MILF" and that is just sick and wrong). I haven't seen this one on your site before and I don't miss any updates. In business school they taught us that product placement is more important than anything, even having the best product or the cheapest price. Product placement done right:
Anwar Nehme Subject: New Mercedes BMW seriesHi ORSM. I was on my way to Melbourne from Albury on Tuesday the 3rd when i was passed by this old Mercedes 300. Nothing unusual about it until i looked at the number plate. made me laugh so i had to take a few pics. Not an easy thing to do at 120km/h with a phone. Zoom in for a better look. Anwar Nehme In Albury NSW
<with held> wrote: Subject: stuffA receipt..don't know the authenticity of it (but you can see the story here. Quite the tip, huh? They'd better serve happy endings for that price!
Desserts Guy Subject: LOLRandom, posted on friends page ...
Unnecessary overshare. -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: girlfriend picsI am a huge fan of your site. I thought I'd share some pics of my girl. Pleade withhold my info.
Kiss Subject: Some pics from sunday afternoonHi Mr Orsm! My friends are gone to off road on Sunday morning, and called to cell phone "Please help". I gone on Sunday afternoon for my fiends to help with my russian track, and next time I must called for another friend "Please help me! I'm in paddle!"
David Subject: That's not a barra ....this is a barra....What was he using for tackle? Winch cable and sand anchor????? Now this is what you call a barra!! I'm sure all you Barramundi fishermen will enjoy this one; recently caught on the 'Fitzroy River'. The fish weighed 113kg's and could unfortunately not be released as a crocodile attacked it when they had the fish boatside. (likely story)
Subject: Street-legal bumper cars!I don't know whether they're original bumper cars or if they were made to look like bumper cars. The engine, a 750cc Kawasaki, fits under the seat. They make a wonderful mini-roar!
Stuart Subject: HIROSHIMA - 64 YEARS LATER...We all know that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were destroyed in August 1945 after being hit by the first atomic bombs. However we know little about the progress made by the people of that land during the past 64 years.
Mike Subject: Looking for a great deal on a new GM truck?This incident happened about a month ago in the Oshawa CP Rail yard which ships out the GM vehicles. One of the Car guys who attaches and detaches the car haulers, accidentally unhooked a set of train cars without having the brakes applied. The Oshawa rail yard has a slight incline to it, so when the set of cars was unhooked from the engine it started to roll down the hill, it smashed through the stop block and then through the fence and continue into the parking lot where GM stores the new vehicles that come off the line. It is rumored that over 300 vehicles were damaged. Enjoy the pictures. I wonder if this guy was layed off or promoted ?
mike Subject: New Hoover Dam Bypass..........If you've never been to this area, you need to make trip to see it. It is about 20 miles south of Las Vegas and one of the most incredibly awe-inspiring sights and areas I've ever seen-and I've seen a lot! 
<with held> wrote: Subject: gifts from my exSuper long time viewer, first time contributor. Here are a couple of pics from one of my ex's... There are more pics from other ex's in the future...Enjoy. Please keep my info separate. Thanks
Ex? Those boobs are your EX?? I don't know what happened but guys everywhere are sorry it didn't work out for you. -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: body armor plate vs M4Here's a vid of a me shooting the plate you put in our body armor with a M4, enjoy. Please don't show my info
Was there anything left? -Orsm
IT'S GREAT TO BE A SOUF EFRIKAN
1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting. 2. Nothing is your fault; you can blame it all on apartheid. 3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it. 4. You can experience pathetic service in eleven official languages. 5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing. 7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60kph zone. 8. Great accent. 9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world. 10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house. 11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called. The police you have to call about three times. 13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high. 15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported. 16. A murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years. 17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled. 19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gear locks!20. Condoms for free. Plastic grocery bags you pay for.
CHARLOTTE 
RS - something for everyone [except pedophiles]. Check it...
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one.
After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about the first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
THIS IS REPULSIVE 
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into the pub. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Colin, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
Well guys we've reached that point and as much as I've enjoyed stapling and gluing this puppy together I'm exhausted beyond function. So...
. They're resplendent. Ask anyone. - Next update will be next Thursday. Only five more left for the year! Thank fucking fuck for that! otherwise my friend Ray will laugh when you die.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and take a long hard look at yourself please. . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
-
05 Nov 2009 09:01
2009.11.05-22.54 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Why would I say what I mean...?
Too obvious to tell you guys it's been another busy week? Ohhh... ooops! Every free minute has been packed but I am at least making things happen. For starters I'm several steps closer to getting the image galleries working properly again AND same with the videos. Shit just takes time. And you pessimistic wankers thought I'd forgotten...
Tuesday was Melbourne Cup Day. If you live outside Oz you may never have heard of it but what it boils down to is: big, annual race that inspires people with no interest in horses to dress up, gamble and congregate at racecourses and pubs around the nation. I'm pretty much over it these days and mostly just get sucked in to providing a ride for whichever family member needs one.
Truth be told, I don't mind because it's always good for a perv. The trip there is slow and congested, cars and people everywhere you look. The chicks are generally all amazing too. Perfect makeup, designers dresses, 6inch heels. It's basically a giant fashion parade.
The return trip is a completely different story however. Class and hotness give way to drunkenness and exhaustion. That makeup is gone and the high heels now clutched under an arm as these once glamour girls walk barefoot desperately hoping to get a cab. Kind of sad really. A little bit like finding out someone you thought was cool is actually gay or a Labor voter.
If you cast your minds back a week you may well remember me dribbling on about having quit smoking. I'm now 10 days in and going surprisingly well cunt fuck shit. Starting to feel more normal and withdrawals are miniscule by comparison. Safe to say that you guys have been more help than my mates too - the general response is "Haha again?" or "You'll be back!" Fuckers. All smokers by the way. That's what I get for quitting for eight months a few years ago. The one and only time I tried mind you.
This got me wondering - when aren't you a smoker? How long do you have to be off the durries before the answer is "I don't smoke"? I posed this to several people. Answers ranged from the day you quit to when you don't crave them anymore and so on. Funnily enough the criteria changes when you change the addiction. Recovered alcoholics for instance are always alco's but for smokers and smoking -something more deadly and addictive- you can just declare yourself a non-smoker and that's that. Same for drug dealers now I think of it. Doesn't seem fair for anyone who ever had a drinking problem... or murdered someone... or painted a picture... or got a little too friendly with the neighbours children...
Let's do weekend. Saturday was the closest I've come to sleeping in for months, figuring if I just lie still it will count but a succession of phone calls soon ended that. My next accomplishment after getting up, solving the world's problems and doing groceries was to spend all day clearing my desk and doing long neglected paperwork. Inspirational stuff I tells ya. It's why I look forward to weekends...
Had every intention of doing the sleep in/lie still trick Sunday but -predictably- it was never going to happen... this time thanks to my neighbour who hired a big verti-mower thing and started at 7am. Whole house shaking it was time to get up. After carefully weighing options, choosing between doing stuff for myself or for others, I took off to do computer repairs for various friends and family. From there it was lunch and a quick cruise with mates before returning to base and resuming desk clearing operations. Boring as fuck? Yes! Waste of a Sunday arvo? Yes! But it's finally done and should be good until next year...
Okay now that's out of the way we should get on with the good stuff. Check it...
It's Game TimeDouchebagsBorn A ManBeer DestructionLuvlee Tata'sFatman AlcoEpic GangBang
FG/AD MashupSkanky Sex TapeRejected IdeasLife's A PeachUltimate AwesomeBooty PopFlexi-girl
Let It QueefCoolest TeacherSmart PoochWalken FaceOnya DickheadOH Fuck!Brave DadArnie's FU
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer. The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table. "What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain. "Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will." I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to fuck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!! An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Hobart, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South, East to West.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call"
The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Melbourne. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Hobart and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay, thank you," said the writer.
He then travelled to Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, Brisbane, Darwin, and Alice Springs. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Alice Springs saw a sign for Perth and decided to see if Westerners had the same phone. He arrived in Perth, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call."
The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I've travelled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Western Australia now son, it's a local call".
HEATHER CAROLIN 
A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.
She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."
Three contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing all of them.
Suddenly they're at the pearly gates and Saint Peter says “This is perfect. The gates need repair and I can get three estimates.”
He asks the first contractor Bubba what it would take to fix the gates. Bubba walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $750.
Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. He walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $1500, and tells him I won't make a dime off this.
Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. Anthony quickly gives Saint Peter a price of $2750. Saint Peter asks Anthony how he could come up with an estimate of two thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars without even inspecting or measuring the gates. Anthony replies, "Its easy Saint Peter, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, $750 for Bubba".
SUPER YACHT: THE ALFA NERO 
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy. "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here... and -PING!- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay.
"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans... and -PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"
The fairy said "Tough shit, Amigo! Now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself!" And she disappeared.
HOW THEY USED TO DO IT 
For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.
J Subject: Interracial couple vidIf you had a video between a protestant and a catholic, would you mark it as interreligious? If it was between someone from NSW and WA, would it be interstate sex? If it was between someone who used the NZ dollar and the Indonesian rupiah, would it be intercurrency? Why label sex between two people like this? I am sure you are not appealing to people who see "interracial sex" as something specially sinful, but some may see it that way. Because many people attack those who criticise racist ideology, please withhold my mail address. But I am an Aussie
Are you serious? It's porn! Political correctness does not apply. The guy was BLACK and the chick was WHITE. Therefore interracial. Just out of interest: two eighteen year old guys fucking... teen porn or gay porn? -Orsm
straight jacket Subject: Re: your post on bootleg productsHi; have been a fan for over half a decade, but this is my first e-mail. I just wanted to let you know that your picture of red bull "knock offs" are actually the real deal. Red bull was developed by a thai pharmacist, and the current formula was adapted from that product by an austrian businessman in the 80's. Technically, the Red Bull we all know and love is the knock off. Having said that, keep on doing what you do, as it is fucking awesome.Subject: Ebay Gold!This is truly sensational. It's that subtle Aussie humour again. Read it soon, before it sells and is removed from ebay. It's worth investing a couple of minutes in.Simon Subject: RE "wogs" in elevator videoHey orsm... Since when did we start calling Lebanese/Arab people "wogs"? These losers weren't Italian, Spanish or Greek. Cheers... long time regular viewer...
Subject: Real Life GordoHey Orsm, Long time fan, first time submitter. Thought you'd be interested in this guy. Remember Gordo from Mortal Kombat? Please hide the details
*Gordo had four arms. -Orsm
OneMan Subject: CopsWho says cops don't have a sense of humor?
Rodney King. -Orsm
Brad Subject: Bledisloe JapanHi Mate, After many hours on the booze in Tokyo for the Bledisloe, we rolled up to the game and saw this at the gate. It is amazing I have showed this to a number of people and they don't get it until you point out the error. Cheers.
Subject: Malaysian Moto GPPissing about at the Malysian GP last weekend - took a snap shot of my Pommy mate taking control of Rossi (he thinks). Please hide my details. 
Tj Subject: PicsHey just wanted to send you some pics. Enjoy.
Thank you for sending ME pics of you wang... -Orsm
Jared Subject: Gotta love WICHITA, KSMy brother was traveling on business and found this sign in Wichita, Kansas. They didnt really think that one thru....
cameronSomething i found in the internets that just sounded too good to be true.
Found on people smuggler website? -Orsm
Subject: Very Cool ChurchFancy living in a Church? This old church in Kyloe, North Cumberland, England was purchased by a couple. They invested lots of money to keep the outside and inside as it was. They restored instead of renovated (a third of the cost). The couple did their best to recreate the inside like a regular home.
OneMan Subject: A real angel foundHey fella, going through some old files and thought you could use. cheers
Kaz Subject: Somea my shitG'day orsm dude, long time viewer, first time contribuitor blah blah.. Thought would throw some pics of my fine girl at ya. Enjoy..
Tim wrote: Subject: New Obama Bumper Stickers REALLY new!Too good. Change is inevitable. Progress is not.
I now realise that no matter who the President, this stuff will go around. -Orsm
V wrote: Subject: Speedo's men should NEVER wear!!!A little caution when opening... Not for kids or husbands (the husbands will get jealous!)
Probably the most offensive things I've ever seen. -Orsm
Mike wrote: Subject: your photosattached pics of ex missus,and the Eden project. show email if you want
Remind me of my year 6 teacher. Scarily so. -Orsm
OneMan Subject: Silly boys!!!!They picked the wrong guy to rob! Three armed felons tried to rob an El Paso, Texas, Police Officer (he's in civilian clothes) in front of a bank. The plan was to grasp his back pack and get away on a stolen motorcycle. The well prepared Police Officer shot all of them, managing to kill 2 at the scene. The 3rd one was shot in both arms. Gun used: a 40 cal pistol. Nice grouping..! Check out the survivor's upper left arm.. That's gotta hurt! As Ron White says, "In Texas we have the Death Penalty and we use it !!"
Subject: Viewers ChoiceAttached are 2 pics I recently took. 2 different shots. It's a viewer's choice award. Which one is would you like to tap? Remove sender's info
I'd tap the one with the vagina. -Orsm
Iain Subject: Van explosion imagesResult of leaking Acetylene bottle stored in plumbers van. 22-10-09. Accidently ignited by activating a remote door lock device. Kaaa - Boooom!! Seems the acetylene bottle WAS in a cabinet. Better inform Plumbers you know!!
DtMWest Atlas
This is that one off north Western Australia which has been in the news recently. Up until this week it was spewing over 400 barrels of oil a day into the ocean. -Orsm
Hughie and Teddy saw an ad in the newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Hughie and Teddy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Teddy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Hughie and Teddy at the grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord! Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Hughie and Teddy now work for the US Government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
ZOE BRITTON 
Really really really think this is a good Random Shite update this week. Tonnes of cool shite... so much so that I'll stop arranging my fingers on the keyboard in such a way that it generates the text you are currently reading and let you get on with it...
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... c'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted:"Jean... Jean... ze re is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, l'amour! Zis is okay!" "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember... it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mesamis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!"
COCAINE SMUGGLING DOESN'T ALWAYS PAY [WARNING: GRAPHIC] 
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.
She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
BEAUTIFUL SCOTLAND 
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: the idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Done and done. All that leaves is this last bit...
. It's where I hide the good shit. - Next update will be next Thursday. I see no reason to deviate from this.otherwise my friend Ray will smash your fucking face in.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember the courtesy flush. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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30 Oct 2009 02:40
2009.10.29-22.48 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Humiliation - not everyone enjoys it.
Am feeling angry at the world today. Matter of fact I'm desperately hoping someone will piss me off so I can punch them, stomp them, hospitalise them. Monday was 'quit' day and rage has been steadily building since Tuesgay when withdrawal symptoms began to appear. I knew what to expect because I've quit the cigs before but this time everything is x10. Severely agitated, fidgety, starving, sudden and uncontrollable sleep attacks and the worst -by far the worst- is how slowly time now passes. It's excruciating. Remember that scene in Trainspotting? Same shit.
Cold turkey is a motherfucker. Should really have gum or patches or Champix but it's one of those things... if I can beat it the hardest way possible, I'll respect it more and hopefully keep that in mind when I'm tempted to take a puff. Honestly this shit is all so retarded it's beyond words. I adore smoking. It brings me happiness, relaxation, comfort. It's rewarding and social but slight downside of death. Believe me though - if someone promised I could smoke and still live to 100 there'd be all of about 0.3 seconds before that wonderful Stuyvesant hit my lips. Come to think of if, at this point I'd probably settle for 60... maybe 58... fifty...?
A few months back I mentioned something about Samsung warranties being . Almost three months ago actually. Oh how fucking wrong I was! Initially the service guys were fantastic, helpful etc and that was cool until we hit a snag. Main problem is that I bought two IDENTICAL monitors, one failed and whilst that's a shame, I don't have any plans to deviate from two identical no matter how much it would suit them. Since then it's been a stream of no stock, soon-to-be arriving stock, offers and refused [by me] attempts to deliver alternate models. They've now stopped responding to my emails. Seriously is that unreasonable? I just want two same model monitors for my desk. Not similar, close or only slightly different - identical.
My latest email asks them to arrange pick up for both monitors and refund me so I can buy something else. Chances? Somewhere between sweet fuck all and Ellen DeGeneres coming out as a closet heterosexual but you never know. This is becoming reminiscent of my battle against LG with the fridge a few years back. Sure I wasn"t able to cool food or drink for several months and threw away a fortune in stuff I couldn"t keep frozen but in the end I won...
Okay let's do what else has been happening. Predictably Saturday started far, far too early with the skip bin delivery guy waking me at 6.50am. "Wasn't expecting you for 2 hours" I say. "We had a cancellation so that's how it is" says he. Wanker. The rest of Saturday went like many before it and eventually turned into Sunday, another early wakeup and time to start loading the aforementioned bin with the old kitchen plus a bunch of other crap lying around the house. Amazing how much shit is jammed into various corners and now pretty obvious the only way it's ever going to be clean and de-junked is with use of a bulldozer.
Guess how Monday started? What's that? Very early? That's right! Well done. It also went on to include 90minutes of peak hour terror picking relatives up from the airport. "Oh what's that? Eight hours in cattle-class really tires you out?" So does five hours sleep a night but you don"t hear me complaining...
Alrighty... enoughity. If you managed to read through all of that then err... well done. I had the good sense to stop a few paragraphs back. The seasoned Orsm surfers knew to scroll straight past it and aim for the content, and poor old you just spent a couple of minutes reading the drivel of some guy that made no point and really adds nothing to society. And with that - check it...
Play PokerAussie GoddessFood StylistBro RapeJackson FailDating Loser Loh-cansDicksucking Champ
Winehouse BoobsThis Is NutsHumming-hatElephant SneezeShake WeightAmazing TitsUltra Retarded
Breakdance CatElevator ShenanigansBad ParentingDisturbingNut HotshotBad IdolPole Training
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" Bill and Harry are bragging about how clever their dogs are. "This'll clinch it" says Bill, and gives his dog a $10 bill, "Go off and buy me a newspaper." The dog trots off obediently but an hour later he's still not back. Bill and Harry set off to look for the dog - and find him in the nearest alley giving a very serious humping to a pretty French poodle. "Rover!" says Bill, "Why didn't you come back to me like before?" Rover looks up and says "Never had this much money before..."
RANDOM INTERESTING FACTS THAT I'M TOO LAZY TO VERFIY
- Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.- The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. - The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.- A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up down continuously from the bottom of glass to the top. - 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.- 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. - The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red Eyes. He was albino.- On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong Parents, daily. - Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.- Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a Few ounces will kill a small-sized dog. - Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.- Most lipstick contains fish scales. - Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. - Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.- Upper- and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the Upper case' were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. - Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.- Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. - There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.- The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before. - There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: Orange and silver.- Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. - A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.- The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. - If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four Pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.- By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. - The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.- The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. - Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.- Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. - The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.- Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. - Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
KAYDEN KROSS 
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for New York City, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently broke wind. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
“Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. “Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... show him your BADGE!"
WHADDYA MEAN IT'S A KNOCK OFF...? 
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... "Look Paddy... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!"
SLEEPING SECURITY GUARDS 
Jason Subject: Office notes picI'm surprised that this note didn't include a word or two regarding racism, I'm sure the writer was thinking it. Your ethnic food fucking stinks you fucking cunt. As a matter of fact, yes I am a racist. I am proud to be a racist. And your fucking food stinks up an entire floor, even when cooked in a kitchen. Get some fucking normal food, or deal with my racist puke on your desk.
Mark Subject: It's not CarlIt's not Carl 'Foggy' Fogarty garage. In Fact it belongs to Tony O'Neil.
Never heard of either of them but either way I think you're missing the point - someone has a JET in their garage... -Orsm
Matthew Subject: That's what friends are for!HI BUd, Love your buddy ... love it. My roomie and his mate decided to attack their very very drunk friend with a thong. The sound is the best part!
Subject: Link to a Vegas cutieSome great pics, non nude, though. But, a softball coach. Yummy Yummy! Keep up the kickass work.link] [link
Holy crap. There is a God and he lives on her chest. -Orsm
VERY Impressive Wang Subject: Townsville Bulletin job addThis is a real add from the local Townsville Bulletin, really worth a read in particular something for GEN Y to take note of.
Actually sounds quite reasonable. -Orsm
Neville F Subject: Emailingbeauty and the geek
It would be mean to call her a pig... -Orsm
Craig Subject: screenshotDid a screenshot from your last RS group....... Cheers
Subject: Spoilt WomenHi, The ladies in Nairobi, Kenya are a spoilt lot! Hide my details
Tom Subject: Kitchen DecoratorsHowdy! Thought you'd like this pic; saw it in downtown Calgary, Alberta Canada; you gotta love it. I call it "Frankensteins Brides Box" Event eh name- Huntwood- is pretty darn funny. Take care!
Subject: Bar SignHere is a good one for you. Please hide my info. 
Heath S Subject: Epic Role Model Failnot a bad effort for shits and giggles:
Winner. -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: Suckhoe mag from SaigonHey ORSM. Its great to be out of the middle east where we lived for 2 years as your site was blocked (see ae_site_blocked) for being morally unacceptable. This little chestnut (suckhoe) was delivered to our front door here in Saigon. The Vietnamese translation was nothing liek I was imagining - funny that. Keep up the good work. Pls withhold details. Cheers
<with held> wrote: Subject: girlfriend picsgirlfriend in cairn send me these enjoy them. hide my details.
What a thoughtful GF. -Orsm
Glyn A Subject: Albany chip mill truck tipper.Hi Orsm, Trucks delivering bluegum woodchips for export to Japan to be processed for high grade paper. Regards, Minipom.
"What's the easiest way to get this stuff out?" "We'll just pickup the whole truck!". Makes sense... -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: EmailingPlease withhold my information...... These are pics of a girl I was fucking named Michelle, I dropped her so she went back to her husband....LOL
<with held> wrote: Subject: Idiot ParentsG'day Mr. Orsm I submitted these pics to a popular site here in the states, but though your readers would be interested in them as well. The attached pictures where taken by my friend who lives in Jacksonville, Florida. As you can see, the truck is on the interstate and and moving at a pretty good pace. Myfriend contacted the local police and was told that even with the pictures, there was nothing that could be done to these reckless parents. I guess the kids where lucky to be in their car seats. At least the bodies would more easily recovered in the event of a tragic mishap. It's my hope that if these parents see their idiocy on the net for all to see, maybe they'll second guess their idea of child safety.
sean Subject: Swine FluFind out who is benefited by Swine flu 
Subject: Vehicle FireThis is an employee of AT&T..works in Huntsville. Sending as an FYI. This fire resulted from leaving an Iphone charger/docking station plugged into the car outlet. It overheated and started a fire, while parked in our garage. PLEASE unplug anything you have in your car outlets once you turn off your car! We were VERY fortunate that we found the fire, at 11pm, before going to bed and before it spread to the house. None of our garage heat detectors or house fire alarms went off (another item to take care of on my to do list).
fletch Subject: mobile phone camera picsDear Mr Orsm, Here are some pics that I found on a mobile phone at my local pub in Hobart,Tasmania. Don't you just love mobile phones. Love your work....Please keep my details private.
Subject: Ah yes, the power of love.Ah yes, the power of love.. This guy (Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda Neto) simply referred to as "Doda" was married to... []
<with held> wrote: Subject: Sluts on World of WarcraftMr. Orsm long time fan first time poster. here are some pics I got some chick to send me from playing world of warcraft. this chick is married and her husband doesn't even know she goes on WOW to trade naked pictures and send sexual texts with other people from there. please hide my info. thanks
Subject: STREET GANGS IN HELENA, MONTANAIts gangs like these that the people of Helena have to put up with. A bit different from the problems in other cities... It proves that every State has their own "unique" gang problems. They roam the streets and yards night and day.....and you CAN NOT (legally) shoot them. Pretty area, homes, lawns so they have good taste..
<with held> wrote: Subject: De MotivatorsHi, would like to share some of my demotivators with everyone. Please do not show my details. Regards
<with held> wrote: Subject: Wife pics...I've sent in a pic or two in the long distant past and thought you'd like these. Being married does indeed have it's perks. Please keep my details private.
Dave Subject: Sky Burial (Not for the faint hearted!!!)Definately not for the faint hearted - you have been warned! Big fan of the site bud, keep up the good work.
GRAPHIC WARNING! Although surprisingly this isn't quite as fucked up as it appears... at least not in the sense of being some sort of torture. Read more at Wookiepedia
<with held> wrote: Subject: Dirty ex girlfriendHere is a girl i was fucking but she turned out to be a whore......please hide my info and enjoy.....
Extreme hotness! -Orsm
Two gay guys, Fred and Larry, get legally married in Maine, USA. They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so, they go back to Fred's parent's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school"
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room asking for Vaseline... I think I gave him my airplane glue."
MADISON & MACKENZIE 
You make the rules here - good or bad, funny or sad, right or wrong - that's for you to decide. Now check it...
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
A few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
HALLOWEEN CAKES 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me!
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but probably always with a limp.
Time to go bro's. Slightly odd that I've managed to pull this sucker together with an hour or two to spare. Must be all that extra time that would otherwise be spent on cigarette breaks coming into play. I should really be happy about this fact but at this point it's totally gay. Anyway...
. I FUCKING DARE YOU! - Next update will be next Thursday. Doubt you have anything better to do...?otherwise my friend Ray will act nice to you all week. Just when you think he genuinely likes you, he'll spike your drink and rape you... comfortable in the knowledge you would be too embarassed and ashamed to tell anyone. If you're a girl he'll probably just let you off with a warning. Not as if he's a monster you know!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy Halloween I guess. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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27 Oct 2009 19:32
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22 Oct 2009 10:12
2009.10.22-23.22 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Annoying much?
People of Earth - hi. You good? Good. Must admit to happy-happy-joy-joy feelings after checking the calendar and realising that after today's update we're down to just eight more for the year! This means come the Xmas break I'll hopefully have a chance to put my feet up and enjoy a week or two NOT updating. It also means Xmas itself is approaching and after last years family related debacle, the hassle of buying presents and a bunch of other reasons I'm yet to remember, the time now to start work on an avoidance strategy is now.
Am dealing with some pretty hardcore bitter sweet emotions right now and surprise surprise Facebook is to blame. For the last couple of years I've been pushed to the edge by a particular FB 'friend' who isn't actually a friend at all, just someone I know from years ago who added me. Didn't want to be rude so I accepted and since then, every single day, it's like she's deliberately trying to anger me. It's been an unending stream of the stupidest fucking shit you can ever imagine as status updates, 'liking' and commenting on those updates even [read: especially] when no one else does, comments on every single pic anyone adds, creates ridiculous FB groups and repeatedly posts them, runs through every pathetic FB app imaginable and continually clogs up the entire newsfeed. No shit some days I login and 95% is her - 'what kind of angel are you?', 'are you a good lover?' 'which Simpsons character do you most resemble?' and on and on and on...
This beckons the question: why if she annoyed me SO much didn't I just delete. The car crash principle applies - you can't look away. The constant retarded shit that drives me insane every single day provides endless entertainment to the point where I find myself logging in to see what she's got to say. It's clear that at some point she began to think of herself as Oprah and the 'what's on your mind?' section became her place to dispense advice, detail approaching meals, plug rubbish her friends are trying to flog and on many, many occasions over share in detail various body related matters. Not even once was a post finished without gross overuse of exclamation marks!!!!!!
And then three days ago I click on to Facebook and quickly it's apparent something isn't right. My newsfeed is full of posts and photos from other friends. What the!? And then it hits me. My feed is completely bare of this one particular persons inane utterings. I quickly go to search and the unthinkable has happened - she's GONE from FB!!!!!!!!!! Just like that the daily spectacle has vanished without so much as an explanation. No last "I'm outta here Facebook!!!" post - nothing. I feel like I've woken up in an ice bath sans kidney. Where am I going to get my infuri-tainment from now? Whose comments will I cut and paste to my friends with a trailing "OMFG look at what she is doing now". And most importantly - who the hell will I mock in future?
Now for a quick weekend rundown... because the life of a webmaster is so awesome I'd be robbing you guys by not blogging it...
It wasn't like we weren't warned but Saturday was the hottest October day in 13 years, if not hottest the history of the world. My mission was garden, weeds and general cleanup outside which was going spectacularly until early afternoon and the mercury started to climb. Eventually got to 37°C [99°F]. Honestly wouldn't have minded so much if we had a lead up but literally two days before I had the heater on.
One and only goal for Sunday was to give the car a proper wash and considering it had been four weeks since the last one, which didn't come close to scrubbing roadtrip remnants from interior and exterior, there was some serious time spent. Moved activities inside afterwards embarked on what I soon realised was spring cleaning. It is after all spring. Getting this joint de-junked is my new mission in life. Admittedly the house does look clean but that's because the obsessive compulsive inside me insists on neatly organising any mess.
Jesus look at me go... like a writer possessed today. Odd that I couldn't sleep last nite trying to think up shit to fill this space although less odd that people will go to sleep tonight wishing I hadn't bothered. Anyway better get on with the update. Prepare yourselves! Check it...
Spooky SpalshNo Han No!Ridiculous CleavBSB DubPimp With Mr. TDeep Fried ButteriBandWeed Pussy
Amateur CutiesLily Allen BoobsNot The DaddyHard To WatchHilarious PSABadonkadonkKiss Crazy
Bathing KaitlinTotally SmashedOh Shit! - Great ActingFeminine WashSo CloseAutotune #9Duck Love
Two black fella's are at a bar talking. One says to the other, "You ever noticed after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second black guy replies, "Yeah, all the time." The first asks, "Why do you think that is?" The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray." I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome. While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!" George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet. "Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?" "I'm riding a bus." "That's a fucking stupid thing to say!" "Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"
AMAZING COINCIDENCES
1. A computer error gave two women in America called Patricia the same social security number. When the two women were brought together in an office to rectify the blunder they discovered that they had both been born with the names Patricia Ann Campbell. Both of their fathers were called Robert Campbell. Their birthdays were on 13th March 1941. They had both married military men in the year 1959 (within eleven days of each other). They each had two children aged 19 and 21. They both had an interest in oil painting. Both had studied cosmetics. Both had worked as book-keepers.
2. In 1893, Henry Ziegland ended a relationship with his girlfriend. Tragically, his girlfriend took the news very badly, became distraught and took her own life. Her distressed brother blamed his sister's death upon Henry, he went round to Henry's house, saw him out in the garden and tried to shoot him. Luckily, the bullet only grazed Henry's face and embedded itself in a nearby tree. In 1913, twenty years after this incident, Henry decided to use dynamite to uproot a tree in his garden. The explosion propelled the embedded bullet from the tree straight into Henry Ziegland's head - killing him immediately.
3. On December 5th 1660, a ship sank in the straights of Dover - the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams. On 5th December 1767, another ship sank in the same waters - 127 lost their lives, the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams. On 8th August 1820, a picnic boat capsized on the Thames - there was one survivor - Hugh Williams. On 10th July 1940, a British trawler was destroyed by a German mine - only two men survived, one man and his nephew - they were both called Hugh Williams.
4. Mr McDonald was a farmer who lived in Canada - nothing extra-ordinary in that - until you learn that his postcode contained the letter sequence EIEIO.
5. In 1996, Paris police set out to investigate a late night, high speed car crash, both drivers had been killed instantly. Investigations revealed that the deceased were in fact man and wife. Police initially suspected some kind of murder or suicide pact but it became apparent that the pair had been separated for several months - neither could have known that the other would have been out driving that night - it was just a terrible coincidence.
6. Michael Dick had been travelling around the UK with his family to track down his daughter, Lisa - who he had lost contact with ten years earlier. After a long fruitless search, he approached the Suffolk Free Press, who agreed to help him by putting an appeal in their newspaper. Fortunately, his long lost daughter saw the appeal and the pair were reunited. The odd thing was, his daughter had been right behind him when the free paper took the photograph - shown in the photograph above. What are the chances of that!
7. A fifteen year old pupil at Argoed High School in North Wales was to sit his GCSE examinations in 1990. His name was James Bond - his examination paper reference was 007.
8. In 1965, at the age of four, Roger Lausier was swimming off a beach in Salem - he got into difficulties and was saved from drowning by a woman called Alice Blaise. In 1974, on the same beach, Roger was out on a raft when he pulled a drowning man from the water - amazingly, the man he saved was Alice Blaise's husband.
9. British cavalry officer Major Summerford was fighting in the fields of Flanders in the last year of WW1, a flash of lightning knocked him off his horse and paralysed him from his waist down. He moved to Vancouver, Canada, six years later, whilst out fishing, Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again and the right side of his body became paralysed. After two years of recovery, it was a summer's day and he was out in a local park, a summer storm blew up and Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again - permanently paralysing him. He died two years after this incident. However, four years after his death, his stone tomb was destroyed - it was struck by lightning!
10. Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time. At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it!
ALL ABOUT ADELE 
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aunt." said the man. Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years...
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms so the man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said.
The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice.
The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Mother of Mary, he's right... Farty-two!"
OFFICE NOTES 
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door..."
CAN CARS 
Some Stooge Subject: PoseHey Mr ORSM! Love your work, as always! Some people should think about their poses before posting pics on Facebook...
Simply the worst pose/facial expression combo I've ever seen. -Orsm
Adrian Subject: Optical illusion...Optical Illusion: What Do You See? Well, what did you see first? Ass or Armpit?
Never saw that armpit until it was pointed out... is that good or bad...? -Orsm
Brent Subject: Fucked up artHello from the states orsm! First time contributor here. Stumbled upon this on facebook not too long ago... Medieval playboy bunnies?
Luke Subject: Story of a "Fake Perth Cabbie"Hey Mate, Long time supporter and referrer, blah blah etc etc. Great site I might add too! Always entertaining! Attached is the story of of a "Fake Perth Cabbie" on Ninemsn National News, Friday Oct 16 2009. Take note of the opening paragraph and the perpetrator's name. Piss funny! Keep up the good work mate!
Terry Subject: Medal of Honor Winner You're a 19 year old kid. You're critically wounded and dying in the jungle in the Ia Drang Valley ,on 11-14-1965, LZ X-ray , Vietnam. Your infantry unit is outnumbered 8 - 1 and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 or 200 yards away, that your own Infantry Commander has ordered the MediVac helicopters to stop coming in. [continues]
Subject: AngelinaBeen a fan of your site for years....check out this girl I saw on myfreecams, the resemblence is crazy! If you decide to use it, please withhold my info.
More . -Orsm
Subject: Reader Mail picHello Mr ORSM. was checking out ABC I-View the other day when I discovered a somewhat unfortunate coincidence. See picture attached. Please withhold details. Cheers
Ooops. -Orsm
Taylor W Subject: Dumbass from work.Here is a kid I work with who for reasons beyond me had this picture on his phone and thought this would not get spread around if he sent it to one of us.... Prepare to laugh. Feel free to share my details Taylor from Phoenix, AZ
chris Subject: IMGMr Orsm, love the site and appreciate your work, found this in a little strip mall outside of DC. I found it very amusing and thought I would pass it on
Boring Sam Subject: ExmouthOrsm your site is the greatest and I wants to have your babies but until that happens here are pics of my weekend trip to Exmouth and Coral Bay.
Steven Subject: Romance is not dead - Wellington - Ngaio GorgeI thought this might cheer you up a bit today :-)
Brilliant. -Orsm
Jay Subject: Alaska Bear attack on a Plane 2009 Apparently a bear attacked his plane while parked in a remote field up here in AK. He had not cleaned out the inside after a long fishing trip and the bear smelled it. He had 2 new tires, 3 cases of Duct Tape and several rolls of cellophane delivered. Then went about repairing the plane so he could fly it home. Gutsy, to say the least.
V Subject: IQ test - Open in privateAnswer Just One Question. The Question: Without scrolling back up what colour is the seat belt?
Good girl. -Orsm
Terry Subject: OuchA few days ago, a person was recharging his mobile phone at home. Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the Instrument still connected to the outlet. After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival. Cell phones are a very useful modern invention. However, we must be aware that it can also be an instrument of death. Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet!
Subject: Weekend FuckHey Orsm, Just thought i'd share a few pics of a the girl I was fucking last weekend. Not exactly a keeper but boy does she know how to fuck and really filthy with it. Keep up the good work and withold my details.
wrote: Subject: Front end failurethought this may interest you
Considering those bad boys can hold over 300 tonnes that's impressive! -Orsm
Subject: Carl Fogarty's garageCarl 'Foggy' Fogarty is the most successful World Superbike racer of all time in terms of the number of championships and number of race wins. Now retired, he is renowned for his high corner speed riding style, combined with an aggressive competitiveness, which netted him 59 victories and four World Superbike Championships (1994, 1995, 1998 and 1999).
Damon Subject: Ahoy!Dear Mr. Orsm: Love the site, and after about, what? 10 years? you have the best blog on the web..worldwide! (fuck ernie! and ehowa) God bless. p.s.: attached are a few pics of the woman, feel free to use if you like, mate. p.p.s: your server is smoking this week!
John wrote: Subject: Fish StoryYou will enjoy this story
Mean looking little fucker./ -Orsm
dale wrote: Subject: Powerpoint Presentation - Please reviewDont know if you have this as i havent been on your site for a couple of weeks if not, enjoy
Old but never fails to get a groan... -Orsm
Kramer goes to an optometrist and he's lead into a room where the doctor pulls down a small screen with letters. "Read me the bottom line, Mr. Kramer." "Sorry, Doc, I can't." "Okay, how about the line above that?" "Nope." "... the next one up?" "Nope."
This goes on for a while with the optometrist pulling down progressively larger and larger eye charts with ever bigger letters.
Finally, the doctor says, "Well, I've never had to use it before, but see if you can read this." With that, he pulled a lever, the wall collapsed and a giant 50 foot flaming orange "A" rose up out of the ground. "Now surely you can read THAT!" snarled the frustrated optometrist.
"Sorry, Doc, but I can't." "Then, man, you must be blind!" "Oh no, Doc, my eyesight's fine. I just never learned how to read!"
SILVIA SAINT 
It so is. Check it...
IT IS NOT A CADDY'S PLACE TO COMMENT... Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"Caddy: "Eventually." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
DEAD FLY ART 
Little Lucy was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Lucy. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But Lucy didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Lucy. And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Congratulations on making it to the end of the update. If you've come this far [ie. You didn't close the window and move on with your life] then the following information may be of some help to you...
. It's where all the update for the past 9 years are secretly hidden. - Next update will be next Thursday because that's sort of my thing. otherwise my friend Ray's dog will take a shit on your lawn... EVERY day.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP common sense. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
-
15 Oct 2009 11:25
2009.10.15-23.08 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Call me a killjoy but I think because something is not to my taste, no-one else should be able to enjoy it...
Con-fucking-struction everywhere. In between a house down the street being demolished, some sort of concrete cutting spectacle down the other and god knows what they are building at the park directly over the road I'm surrounded by activity. For the last two weeks there's been a constant rumble of trucks and diggers, that incessant reversing beep-beep-beep and nauseating exhaust fumes filling the air, not to mention the dust.
It's also messed up my sleeping patterns. With the newfound early morning sunlight, unimpeded by daylight saving, they're starting bright and early so whilst my body has adjusted, my brain has not. I now seem to pre-empt the firing up of machinery and wake up the wrong side of 7am. Okay in the real world but with a usual 1am bedtime it generally leads to an unscheduled late afternoon power nap at my desk. Gayness.
I've blogged about this crap before but really had to laugh at the boat load of Sri Lankan people currently trying to invade Australia. Not so much at their predicament or what they're allegedly trying to flee but after being detained en route by Indonesia they have the audacity to make demands. First they were going to set their shit box vessel alight, and now refusing to disembark until the 'international community' finds them a new home. Oh really? Anything else? How about a hand job from a girl with really big boobs?
Suppose I can understand why they're so belligerent... not making it to Oz means no gravy train - missing out on the free air-conditioned accommodation, food, phone and money they'd heard so much about from relatives who were already living it up in detention after arriving illegally is something none of us would want to face.
Moving on... or rather back to, me, my life and whatever else I can string together thereby filling the remaining gap...
Saturday was an early start to give my sis and her friends a ride to the pickup point for Spring in the Valley which is basically a huge piss up at the wineries on the outskirts of the metro area. My mates and I did it a few years back [before it was cool] so decided not to attend. Instead I did fun stuff like spend all morning fixing a mates computer. From there it was groceries and home to finish off the remaining kitchen reno stuff. Was so tired that nite I fell asleep with TV on which of course lead to yet another ungodly start - 6.30am but just in time to watch the start of Bathurst 1000, which for anyone who doesn't know, is a 1000km car race held annually. Epic Holden versus Ford rivalry.
Managed to drag myself out of bed an hour later and get stuck into sorting my own damn computer problems whilst watching the race. Admittedly mostly my own doing this time - made a huge mess with a cuntly virus which torched most of the programs I use daily so a full Windows reinstall was required. Matter of fact it was two reinstalls due to the first being 'problematic'.
Monday... 6am start up for an airport run. I'd made a point some time ago that if certain people insisted on booking middle-of-the-night flights they would have to cab it because the disruption was too great. They got around this by making it 9am flights... "So 7am pickup is fine?" Yep fantastic... almost as good 3am except this way I get to enjoy an hour of peak hour traffic! Wicked man!
Alight let's stop the drivel there. I could go on... there's a whole bunch of total boring crap [including car, dog, house, various interpersonal relationships] that I'm could spend considerable time on but will spare you guys and get busy with this week's ever so spectacular update. Check it...
Chopper is back! Orsm favourite and comedy legend Heath Franklin is about to launch a brand new DVD entitled 'Make Deadshits History'. There's a whole bunch of clips on YouTube or go straight for the good stuff and find the DVD
Word MountainTasty TeenPopped Implant!Pool HottieGet Gayo!Errr What?Bus BrawlPorn Overload
Highway BewberyShauna Sex TapeMelissa is TightFully Sick BroWiki FailsMoronFreaky Fuck
Pearl's NecklaceMad Tramp SkillzSeth FreakoutBig Big BigFace MashB-Boy KOAnime Jubblies
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?" "Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied. Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful Woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines! The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "Its women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!" Q. What's pink and goes round and round on a carousel? A. Stephen Gately's suitcase. I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to fuck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
One day, a bloke and his mate were in a pub talking. One man said to the other "Oh! I just remembered, did you hear that Keith died?" "What! Our mate Keith? No I didn't, how did he die?" asked the other man. "Well, he was driving up to my house to watch the rugby, but just as he was approaching my house he hit my garden wall and smashed straight through the windscreen!" explained the man.
"Geeze, that must have been messy." replied the other. "Oh no! That's not how he died! He then flew through his windscreen and then smashed through my kitchen window, skidded over the work surface taking everything with him. He was there laid on the floor amongst the knives he'd took with him and was surrounded by shards of glass!" explained the first man.
"Ouch, poor guy." replied the second. "Oh no! That's not how he died! He was still alive, he tried to grab the ledge to get up but he pulled the boiled kettle down and he was covered in boiling water!" continued the first man.
"Ooh, that's even worse" said the second man. "Oh no! I doesn't end there! He tried to clamber to his feet but he slipped on the water and smacked his head on the oven. The oven door clicked open and a super hot pan full of boiling oil and roast potatoes came out and covered him, burning his skin off!" said the first man.
"God, could it get any worse?" said the second man. "Oh no! That's not how he died!" "Hang on! Hang on! Just exactly how did he die?" said the second guy, who was growing impatient. "I shot him. The little bastard was wrecking my house and had ruined my dinner!"
SERIOUSLY KAYDEN 
In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon. As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."
The bartender hollers out, "Sorry Mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is an old Chinaman." The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next day the miner is off back to the fields and doesn't return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads for the saloon and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody whatever they want to drink and eat for the rest of the night. I'm going up to my room and take a shower. Send up some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold for your troubles."
The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing them in had problems. All we got is that old Chinaman." This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a few seconds and says, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold fields. This time he's gone for another month and when he returns he has two sacks of gold both larger than the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters, throws one of the bags on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and three of the prettiest women in town because I'm horny as hell."
Again the bartender says, "Sorry Mac the women never did get here. The only thing we got is the old Chinaman." This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs thinking about how horny he is and finally says, "OK, send the old Chinaman up."
The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance." The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for an old Chinaman?" The bartender replies, "No Sir, the $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that kinda shit either!"
GEOGRAPHY FACTS
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply. The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean.The volume of water in the Amazon River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States. Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around. Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning 'Big Village'.Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world. Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence. Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.Los Angele's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula - and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A. The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple.There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland. More Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel. The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4.53 sq. km.The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent. Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is. In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.' St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A : 1%, in Canada: 75% The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles). It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.
GIMME A KISS! 
There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished by this, he panicked and hurried to the emergency room. The ER doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day. He advised that if there were no positive results he should come back the next day.
This went on for three days, until a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The doctor, now at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand. The nurse gave the man a tube of lotion, and advised the patient to rub it very gently on his member before he went to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day he stopped by the hospital, happy as a lark! He found the nurse and doctor and thanked them for all their help. As the man left, the doctor turned to the nurse and asked what the miracle lotion was. The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."
YOU REALLY CAN VEND ANYTHING 
is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required.
If you would like to contribute to the social snapshot that is Orsm Reader Mail thus being immortalised for all eternity then here is where you click. I get all giddy everytime Outlook chimes upon reciept of new mail so PLEASE, drop what you're doing, navigate your way to the Contact page and send me your shit! I'll love you forever and may even leave a little something for you in my will...
xitz Subject: FEVApparently what Brendan Fevola did at Brownlow:1. Punched out Marc Murphy 2. Pushed Rebecca Twigley to the ground when she tried to restrain him from attacking a security guard. 3. Sexually assaulted a female journalist. SAM LANE 4. Was involved in an incident with Gibbs's girlfriend which left her in tears. he apparently pulled down the top of Gibbs girlfriend who was not wearing bra, in front of quite a few of the Carlton players and board. 5. Had the 2IC of the AFL Adrian Anderson in a headlock (along with James Brayshaw) 6. Abused Warren Tredrea, along with other high standing opposition players/officials. 7. Swore/abused Chris Judd repeatedly when he attempted to have words to him. 8. Exposed himself to Rebecca Twigley asking her to accept it orally. 9. Punched a Channel 9 producer (don't know who).
10. Felt up Demetriou's wife (might explain why he came out saying Fev had to clean his act)From a taxi driver (who had Carlton board member in car) that Fev groped Twigley - that's why he had to go. Judd had a large say in trading matters. Apparently board member said he would be definitely traded.
Mark Subject: McDonalds pic Dude, The picture on Random Shite about tghe Australian McDonalds memo is a hoax. It was a parody and not real.
True although when they do fuck up revenge can be attained by returning and having them remake the entire order due to it now being cold. -Orsm
Subject: New beerholders
A picture of a girl who doesn't need to put her beer down! Hide my info pleezImpressive. -Orsm
Anthony
Subject: Online Dating
Always ask for more than 1 photo!At first I was like wooo... 0Orsm
Dan Subject: tuff loveHey Orsm. An old friend of mine decided to deal out some tuff love when her son was throwing rocks at passing cars. I came across this on her face book page and it cracks me up every time I look at it. Thought I would share with you all. By the way love this site.
Subject: ContributionHey, I saw this and couldn't help but think someone didn't review this page before they printed. Hide my details please.
Bie Bop
Subject: uncle
My uncle (age 76) after trying to stop the asshole that was robbing his neighbour in Amsterdam....Ouch. -Orsm
Shane Subject: Backwards painted truck doubles as pants crapperImagine the momentary terror of a semi coming straight at you on the open road
Wesley
Subject: Install screen
Is it just me, or is there a subliminal message here when you install this product?Vaginaaaa. -Orsm
Mike Subject: My Room Mate's Ex-Girlfriend's BoobiesI love your site. I've tuned in every Thursday since grade 8. My college room mate recently convinced the girl he was pounding in the summer to send us some naked pics. Legitimate. Please hide my details.
SEYMORE Subject: Dust stormDust storm in Mutitjulu Community near Ayers Rock. Northern Territory
Subject: drone bombers in afghanSome ppl Should learn to do there homework b4 commenting of stuff they do not know abaout. As a current serving member in the army and and being based in perth myself and having just returned from afghan not long ago myself, that the above mentioned "uav" is currently unable to carry weapons, and that the following video that was posted up was not infact an actual flight control centre at all, it was a simulation centre and not one of the C.I.A. The current "PREDATOR and REAPER UAV'S" that the military use have a current range of 200km b4 needing to come back for refueling and weapons restocking. The "Uav" that was shown in the video above was not a PREDATOR OR A REAPER DRONE it was a global hawk drone which is used for reconnaissance and surveillance missions only, future verions of this will be capable of carrying weapons and inflight refueling canisters. and the control centre is just the same as the pics I have sent u. Just thought I would like to clarify this to the ppl so there not missled by ppl who asume they now what there talking about!!!!
Subject: ex girlfriend picsthis bitch just broke up with me the day before our 2.5 year aniversary, because shes didnt get in the same uni as me so is 70 miles away and has no time for me. heres a few pics of her. hide my info please
a te Subject: Lamborghini's at the University of WashingtonHey Mr. ORSM, long time reader and finally have something cool that I think could contribute to your wonderful site. These are pictures of some of the dozens of nice Lamborghini's that showed up atthe University of Washington to help dedicate the new "Lamborghini" lab at our school. They even had a Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4! Sorry for the not so great quality, had to use my phone.
Anthony
Having a bad day, not as bad as his.GRAPHIC CONTENT WARNING! -Orsm
Attached are 4 sexy pictures of my girlfriend. please hide details!
She's A keeper! -Orsm
Subject: More Breaking News........It just keeps getting better and better,,,,, he is so AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
David Subject: 993 Cat LoaderWhoops. zoom in on second picture. The Operator is still in it!!!! Ha! I bet that tightened him up a bit.
Subject: My little contribution to your siteHey there. been a Fan of your site for the last 3 years, & it's my turn to contribute a little something to your site. you're doing a good job so keep up the good work. here is my contribution I hooked up with my friend last weekend in Orlando, Florida & we got a little bit drunk & got it on. she'll kill me if she finds out that I'm trying to post them online, since she's already pissed for me taking those pix in the first place. So please Withheld my Information. Thanks.
Reg Subject: islamic disco in yemen ?????? ??????hey mate theres some lovely shielas here for you to crack on to show us yer skirt!
Subject: just for funno details to be displayed,,pls
It's stuff like this that makes my day. God bless you good woman! -Orsm
A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby that is all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there has been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."
JESSI GIRL 
Just remember - you can't unsee what you've already seen. Check it...
A gray-haired, middle-aged, friend of mine was sitting at the evening dinner table yesterday along with his spouse, when she startled him by telling that she'd had a memorable dream the night before. He was slow to ask what she'd dreamt about. So, she quickly went on to tell him that it had included both of them, without any of his prodding.
"I dreamed that you found a much younger woman, and that you threw me out!" She blurted out impetuously. Then adding in a sort of a cynical way "Of course in just a few days, you came crawling by, and asked me to come back, tired of her whiny ways!" "And of course I told you to bite it!" She added forcefully.
He paused a minute before saying "That wasn't very nice of you!" After a minute, he thoughtfully asked her "How old was she?". "How old do you want her to be?" she responded nastily. "Nineteen!" He quickly answered. "Okay, she was nineteen!" She meekly returned. He thought about that for a long moment, before asking again "What did she look like?"
Now becoming just a little frustrated with him, and his cavalier attitude, she answered "I wasn't focused on that, I was thinking about my own situation and my own feelings" as she looked intently toward him. He rolled back in his chair, staring into space and said "Hell if she's nineteen, who cares what she looks like!"
MY OWNER IS AN IDIOT 
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blondie wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
Umm... what am I supposed to say here? Let's just try this...
. You got that? Check out the site archives. - Next update will be next Thursday... as if I have any choice in the matter anyway...otherwise my friend Ray will put extra sticky in your sticky date.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get some sleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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