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• 21 Mar 2010 03:11

  WEEK OF MARCH 21, 2010 War Is Hell: The day before British army chef Liam Francis, 26, arrived at his forward operating base in Afghanistan, the Taliban shot down the helicopter ferrying in food rations, and Francis realized he had to make do with supplies on hand. In his pantry were only seasonings, plus hundreds of tins of Spam. For six weeks, until resupply, Francis prepared "sweet and sour Spam," "Spam fritters," "Spam carbonara," "Spam stroganoff" and "stir-fried Spam." He told the Daily Telegraph that he was proud of his work but admitted that "morale improved" when fresh food arrived. [Daily Telegraph, 2-5-10]Questionable Obsessions In November, Jim Bartek, 49, of Maple Heights, Ohio, announced he was ending his streak of 524 consecutive days in which he listened to the album "Nostradamus" by the heavy-metal group Judas Priest. [Plain Dealer (Cleveland), 11-21-09] In February, Hilary Taylor, 63, of Great Yarmouth, England, revealed that she had been bequeathed her uncle Ken Strickland's collection of 3,000 watering cans. Strickland, who also kept meticulous records of the holdings, died in January. [Basingstroke Gazette (Basingstroke, England), 2-13-10] Leading Economic Indicators Details about Britain's biggest marijuana-importing operation emerged in March following the conviction of its three managers in Southwark Crown Court. The enterprise earned the equivalent of as much as $300 million at such a rapid clip that the partners apparently were unable to use much of it, despite buying real estate, jewelry and expensive cars. An inspector said Scotland Yard found "moldy" cash "rotting away," hidden under floorboards. "(I)t was no good to anybody." [The Times (London), 3-5-10] Recession's Over: Among the items on display in February at the Verona Luxury Fair in Verona, Italy: a hand-crafted billiards table covered in gold sheets; an armchair topped with the skin of 20 crocodiles; a 24-carat gold racing bike; a boat with a Ferrari engine; a golden coffin (with cell phone); and a diamond-studded wedding gown in pink chinchilla fur. [Agence France-Presse, 2-26-10] Mad Dogs, Horseplay, Monkey Business, Having a Cow Pigs Livin' Large: Among the items that celebrity farmer Cathy Gieseker bought with proceeds from the $12 million Ponzi scheme she, in February, was sentenced for perpetrating (prosecutors called her the "Midwest Madoff") was a $900 tanning bed for her "show" pigs. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 2-26-10] Farmer Chang Chung-tou, of Yunlin County, Taiwan, drew praise from environmentalists in December for having "toilet"-trained almost all of his 20,000 pigs to use his 600 specially rigged plots that collect and separate urine and feces. Chang's farm conserves water and facilitates recycling. [Deutsche Presse Agentur, 12-14-09] Animals With Issues: Ashley Saks' 2-year-old basset hound Roxy was resting comfortably in Jacksonville, Fla., in November following a vet's removal, one by one, of the 130 nails she had compulsively swallowed. [WJXT-TV (Jacksonville), 11-24-09] The polar bear Aisaqvaq produced two cubs in December at Quebec's Zoo Sauvage de Saint-Felicien. Aisaqvaq had given birth to another the previous December, but had eaten it. [Canwest News Service, 12-4-09] In November, maritime rescuers were called to ocean waters off the coast of Darwin, Australia, to rescue an adult cow that was dog-paddling around and, according to a seaman, "not in a good mood." [Northern Territory News, 11-30-09] Natural Selection: Female cane toads are choosy at mating, according to a recent article in Biology Letters. A desirable male is permitted to hop onto the female's back and start the process, but the female is also able to inflate sacs in her body to bloat herself so large that males slide off before completing insemination. (Also, to test the strength of the male's grip, the researchers encouraged necrophilia: The scientists doused dead female toads with pheromones to measure males' horniness.) [Sydney Morning Herald, 1-6-10] Female short-nosed fruit bats in China's Guangdong Province show their preference for certain males by fellating them, according to an October journal article. Researchers observed that licked males were able to copulate longer, thus improving the likelihood of insemination. (The scientists also confirmed that bats mate while upside down.) [Chronicle of Higher Education, 10-29-09] 22nd Century Already? Later this year, manufacturer Organovo, of San Diego, will begin shipping its $200,000 ink-jet-type printers that create living organs for patients needing transplants. The 3-D "bioprinter" works by spraying extracted microscopic cells on top of each other, in pass after pass. On the bioprinter's equivalent of a sheet of paper, and under laboratory conditions, the cells fuse together and grow for weeks until an organ substantial enough for research use is created (and ultimately, substantial enough for human transplants). The bioprinter is faster than growing such organs from scratch, which scientists at the Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine have been doing for several years. [The Economist, 2-18-10] If you're wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun and walk into a store to rob it, but there are no employees there to rob, and you abort, is that an "attempted robbery"? Sanjuan Reyes, 22, and two teenagers were arrested in Joliet, Ill., in January and charged with attempting to rob the Supermercado Viva Mexico. Two acted as lookouts while the youngest, wearing a ski mask and wielding an air pistol, entered the store. Apparently, the only employees on duty were in the back room. The boy waited for a minute or so, then bailed out, and the three fled empty-handed. Joliet's deputy police chief said a crime was committed. [Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, Ill.), 1-20-10] Unclear on the Concept In March, sheriff's deputies in Kissimmee, Fla., detained a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent who was working undercover but who had aroused suspicions of residents of a neighborhood. After investigating, the deputies discovered that in order to guard his identity as an ICE agent, the man was posing as an FBI agent. [Orlando Sentinel, 3-4-10] Jonathon Smith, 27, was arrested in March in Fairbanks, Alaska, shortly after his release on bail on charges that he tried to buy three trucks from local dealers using forged checks. His latest arrest came at Seekins Ford, where, according to police, he was trying to buy yet another pickup truck with a forged check. [Fairbanks News-Miner, 3-3-10] Falmouth, Mass., police hired John Yarrington as a confidential informant on Feb. 16, setting him up with $100 in marked bills to make a cocaine buy from dealer Cory Noonan, which Yarrington completed. He left the scene, but less than 10 minutes later, before Noonan could be arrested, Yarrington returned and, according to police, attempted to buy more cocaine on his own. [Cape Cod Times, 2-19-10] Undignified Deaths A 36-year-old man drowned in Denville, N.J., in January during a friendly swimming competition with a pal, as they raced underneath a 30-yard long ice patch on partially frozen Indian Lake. [WINS Radio-AP, 1-4-10] New York City police believe that drug-gang hit man Hector Quinones, 44, shot three men to death in a high-rise apartment in December, but allowed a woman in the apartment to escape when he tripped on his own baggy pants while chasing her. As police arrived, Quinones climbed out onto the fire escape but accidentally fell off and broke his neck. [New York Daily News, 12-19-09] A News of the Weird Classic (February 2002) Two-time convicted bank robber Mark Turner filed a lawsuit against Canada's National Parole Board in 2001 because the board had released him early from prison in 1987 from a previous sentence. The board should have kept him inside until that sentence ran out in 1994, he said, and it was thus the board's fault that while on parole, Turner had robbed another bank and had again been locked up. By 1994, he said, he would have been more mature and would not have re-offended, and for the parole board's error, it should pay him the U.S. equivalent of almost $1 million. [Globe and Mail, 1-2-02] Thanks This Week to Pete Randall, Peter Hine, Gene Curry, Jim Guenther, and Rich Pevey, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors. (And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at

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• 13 Mar 2010 23:53

  WEEK OF MARCH 14, 2010 Anthropomorphizing Little Muffy: A February St. Petersburg Times report found several local people who regularly cook gourmet meals for their dogs and who revealed their dogs' (or maybe just "their") favorite recipes. "Veggie Cookies for Dogs," for example, requires whole-wheat flour, dried basil, dried cilantro, dried oregano, chopped carrot, green beans, tomato paste, canola oil and garlic. Asked one chef: Why feed "man's best friend" what you wouldn't eat yourself? [St. Petersburg Times, 2-17-10] A day spa for dogs ("Wag Style") in Tokyo offers sessions in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber, supposedly easing doggy arthritis, healing wounds and halting aging. (Some racehorse owners are certain that the chambers help with equine muscle and joint problems, but an academic researcher told a BoingBoing.net writer that evidence of benefit is "anecdotal.") [BoingBoing.net, 2-23-10] Compelling Explanations At first, Rev. Fred Armfield's arrest for patronizing a prostitute in Greenwood, S.C., in January looked uncontroversial, with Armfield allegedly confessing that he had bargained Melinda "Truck Stop" Robinson down from $10 to $5 for oral sex. Several days later, however, Armfield formally disputed the arrest, calling himself a "descendant of the original Moro-Pithecus Disoch, Kenyapithecus and Afro Pithecus," a "living flesh and blood being with sovereign status," and someone who, based on his character and community standing, should not be prosecuted. Also, he claimed that any payment to "Truck Stop" with Federal Reserve Notes did not legally constitute a purchase since such notes are not lawful money. [Index-Journal (Greenwood), 1-29-10] Lame: Glenn Armstrong, 47, had a defense ready when police accused him of taking restroom photographs of boys in Brisbane, Australia, in January. He said he was having an ongoing debate with his wife and was gathering proof that most boys are not circumcised. [News.com.au-Australian Associated Press, 1-27-10] Sheriff's deputies in Austin, Texas, arrested Anthony Gigliotti, 17, after complaints that the teen was annoying women by following them around in public and snapping photographs of their clothed body parts. Gigliotti told one deputy that he needed the photos because the sex education at his Lake Travis High School was inadequate. [KXAN-TV (Austin), 2-2-10] Fredrick Federley, a member of the Swedish Parliament, said he has always campaigned as someone who does not take gifts from those he is responsible for regulating, but he was called out by the newspaper Aftonbladet in February for having accepted a free travel holiday from an airline. Federley denied that "he" accepted the trip. He reminded reporters that he is a notorious, flamboyant cross-dresser, and thus that it was his alter-ego "Ursula" who received the free holiday. [The Local (Stockholm), 2-10-10] Ironies In February, the trade group Mortgage Bankers Association announced the sale of its Washington, D.C., headquarters for $41 million. The association had purchased the building in 2007, at the peak of the real estate bubble, for $79 million. [Wall Street Journal, 2-8-10] Our Litigious Society Craig Show, 49, filed a lawsuit in January against the Idaho State Police and the Bonner County Sheriff's Office, demanding compensation following his DUI arrest in August. Show said the cops had seized a "medicine bag" on his motorcycle and, in opening it for inspection, permitted the "mystical powers" inside to escape. The bag was blessed by a "medicine woman" in 1995 and, Show said, had been unopened since then. [UPI, 2-1-10] Sabrina Medina filed a lawsuit against the Hyatt Regency Waikiki Resort in Hawaii in January, claiming that an employee had caused her husband's death. The late Humberto Murillo had swiped two 12-packs of beer from a store at the resort, but the manager pursued and confronted him. Murillo started punching, and bystanders came to the manager's aid, restrained Murillo and held him down. Murillo, who was bipolar and had marijuana in his system, passed out and asphyxiated. [Honolulu Advertiser, 1-16-10, 12-20-09] Clumsy: Teacher Karen Hollander filed a lawsuit in November against the New York City Department of Education after taking a fall on "slippery foreign substances," including condoms, on the floor at the High School of Art & Design. Since schools distribute condoms on campus, she said, the department is responsible when students open them and discard them during the lunch period, littering the floor. [New York Daily News, 11-21-09] Anthony Avery, 72, a retired insurance underwriter, filed a lawsuit in December against the exclusive Rye Golf Club in East Sussex County, England, for lingering injuries caused when he slipped on the wet floor of the club's shower room. The floor, he said, was "too" slippery. [Daily Mail, 12-14-09] Fine Points of the Law Human Rights Law: Iraqi immigrant Laith Alani murdered two doctors in a British hospital in 1990 and has been confined to mental facilities ever since, taking clozapine to control his schizophrenia. Since Alani is not a citizen, the government has sought deportation, but in January the Asylum and Immigration Tribunal ruled that that would violate Alani's "human rights." Only the British hospitals, reasoned the judges, can guarantee that Alani will receive uninterrupted clozapine, without which he would become dangerous to himself and to others (that is, fellow Iraqis, after repatriation). [Daily Mail, 1-24-10] Orthodox Jewish Law: Israel Elias and his then-wife Susan Zirkin were divorced under British law in 1962, but Zirkin has been unable to remarry since then because Orthodox Jewish law does not recognize divorce unless the husband grants the wife a "get," and Elias has refused. Within the Orthodox community, Zirkin would have been shunned had she remarried, as would any children she had. A few rabbis try to work around the system, but their attempts are not widely accepted. Zirkin, now 73, was believed to be the world's longest-standing "chained" wife, but in February, after 37 years, she became a free woman. Elias passed away, and the "get" is no longer necessary. [The Independent (London), 2-19-10] Least Competent Criminals Myesha Williams, 20, and a friend walked in to the police station in DeLand, Fla., in January and demanded to know why their photos appeared in local crime news on TV. Following questioning, police decided Williams was the woman on their surveillance video robbing a beauty shop and arrested her (but since Williams' friend had left before the actual robbery, she was not charged). [Daytona Beach News-Journal, 1-20-10] The burglar who stole already-filled prescription orders from the West Main Pharmacy in Medford, Ore., in January puzzlingly limited his take to the pickup-ready packages filed under "O." Police guessed that the burglar must have been after the commonly stolen "oxycodone" and was unaware that outgoing prescriptions are filed by customers' last names, not their medications. [Mail Tribune (Medford), 1-27-10] Recurring Themes Last May, a 13-year-old boy in Galt, Calif., became the most recent inadvertent beneficiary of foolish behavior. Acting on a dare, the boy had chugged eight shots of tequila and lost consciousness. A routine CT scan at the hospital exposed an until-then-unrevealed brain tumor, and the boy is slowly recovering from his arduous but lifesaving surgery. (2) In January, James Shimsky, 50, became the most recent priest in the Catholic Diocese of Scranton, Pa., to be arrested for wayward behavior (with several recent instances reported in a January edition of News of the Weird). Shimsky was arrested on a Philadelphia street for allegedly buying cocaine. [KOVR-TV (Sacramento), 12-21-09] [Philadelphia Inquirer, 2-13-10] A News of the Weird Classic (May 2005) As many as 10 percent of Japanese youths may be living in "epic sulks" as hermits ("hikikomori"), according to a March 2005 Taipei Times dispatch from Tokyo, thus representing no improvement in the already alarming problem that was described in a News of the Weird report in 2000, which estimated that 1 million young professionals were then afflicted. Many of the hikikomori still live in their parents' homes and simply never leave their bedrooms except briefly to gather food. Among the speculation as to cause: school bullying, academic pressure, poor social skills, excessive video-gaming, inaccessible father figures, and an education system that suppresses youths' sense of adventure. [Taipei Times, 3-11-05] Thanks This Week to Steve Dunn, David Scott, Tom Barker, Phil Carhart, and Dave Stout, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

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• 08 Mar 2010 11:43

  WEEK OF MARCH 7, 2010 Pastor John Renken's Xtreme Ministries of Memphis, Tenn., is one of a supposedly growing number of churches that use "mixed martial arts" events to recruit wayward young men to the Christian gospel. Typically, after leading his flock in solemn prayer to a loving God, Pastor Renken adjourns the session to the back room, where a New York Times reporter found him in February shouting encouragement to his violent parishioners: "Hard punches!" Renken yelled. "Finish the fight! To the head! To the head!" One participant told the Times that fight nights bring a greater masculinity to religion, which he said had, in recent years, gone soft. [New York Times, 2-2-10]Government in Action! Over-Connecting the Dots: At age 8, Mike Hicks is a frequent air traveler with his mother, and while she is seldom noticed by airport screeners, "Mikey" almost always is because he shares a name with someone on the enhanced-security list that is one level below "no fly" (one of 1,600 such Michael Hickses in the U.S.). His mom told The New York Times in January that Mikey has been patted down by security since he was 2. [New York Times, 1-14-10] But sometimes government under-connects the dots. Delaware pediatrician Earl Bradley's January arrest and February indictment for allegedly sexually molesting 103 children came only after he was cleared in two police investigations in three years, involving eight complaints, and despite one ex-colleague's routinely referring to Dr. Bradley as a "pedophile." [Wilmington News Journal-USA Today, 2-24-10] Better Late Than Never? Ten days after Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab nearly brought down the Christmas Day airliner over Detroit, the State Department officially revoked his visa. [Detroit News, 1-4-10] Eight days after the Christmas Eve demolition of Minneapolis' historic Fjelde House (as a fire hazard), the Minneapolis Heritage Preservation Commission awarded the site "interim protection" for its historic value. [Star Tribune, 1-3-10] Too Much Diversity: In January, the U.S. Justice Department's Civil Rights Division posted a job announcement supposedly in line with current affirmative-action policy. The division is seeking "experienced attorneys" and was encouraging "qualified applicants with targeted disabilities" to apply. Legally protected "targeted disabilities" include the traditional, such as blindness, but also "mental retardation." [Job Announcement cited in Volokh Conspiracy blog, 2-3-10] In February, aspirants for taxicab licenses in Portsmouth, England, were officially informed by the City Council that application forms are available in other languages or in "audio," "large print" or "Braille." [Daily Telegraph, 1-30-10] When "You Lie!" Doesn't Quite Capture the Moment: Legislator Abel LeBlanc was suspended from Canada's New Brunswick Assembly in February for giving middle-finger salutes to two colleagues, calling one a "punk" and declaring himself ready to "walk outside with any one of yas here." "Don't ever laugh at me," he continued. "Yes, I gave you that (the finger). And I'll give you that again. And (to another colleague) I'll give you this (finger) if you want to go outside." [Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News, 2-11-10] Great Art! Just after Christmas, the Anglican Church of St. Peter in Great Limber, England, unveiled artist Adam Sheldon's 6-foot-high representation of the crucifixion consisting of 153 pieces of toast. Sheldon browned the bread himself, then painstakingly either scraped (to lighten) or torched (to darken) each piece to fashion the tableau. [Daily Telegraph, 1-13-10] Police Report They Don't Make Cops Like They Used To: Sheriff's deputy John Franklin of San Luis Obispo, Calif., filed a lawsuit in December against the Catholic Church and former priest Geronimo Cuevas for the "emotional trauma" he suffered by being propositioned for sex while working undercover in 2007. Deputy Franklin was patrolling a public park near Avila Beach when Father Cuevas reached out and touched Franklin's clothed genital area. Cuevas was arrested and convicted, but Deputy Franklin said he is not yet over the feelings of "anger, rage, disgust and embarrassment." [CalCoastNews.com, 12-29-09] Chutzpah: Former Stoughton, Mass., police sergeant David Cohen was convicted in 2007 of attempted extortion and witness-tampering and sentenced to 30 months in jail. In November 2009, he filed a formal demand for payment of at least $113,000 he said the department owes him for unused vacation, sick leave and comp time. He also claims extra pay because, while still on the job, he had to spend 481 hours in court and 280 hours preparing in order to defend himself against the criminal charges. [The Enterprise (Brockton), 11-14-09, 10-16-09] Names in the News Arrested in January in Memphis, Tenn., and charged with having carnal knowledge of an underage girl: Mr. Knowledge Clark, 29. Arrested in January in Hellertown, Pa., and charged with cashing a stolen check: Richard Fluck, 47, and Bryan Flok, 47. Arrested in Denver in February and charged with using another person's driver's license as identification: Mr. Robin J. Hood, 34. Arrested in Kingston, Pa., in January and charged with cocaine trafficking: Carlos Laurel, 30, and Andre Hardy, 39. Arrested in February in DeFuniak Springs, Fla., and charged with possession of crystal meth: Crystal Beth Williams, 21. [Commercial Appeal (Memphis), 1-19-10] [Morning Call (Allentown), 1-20-10] [Denver Post, 2-12-10] [Citizens Voice (Wilkes-Barre), 1-20-10] [Northwest Florida Daily News, 2-19-10] It's Good to Be a British Criminal (continued) Victim Debra Wilson testified that she had been driven nearly into bankruptcy by loan shark Robert Reynolds, 39, who extorted over time the equivalent of about $135,000. In December, Reynolds was convicted in Durham Crown Court but ordered to repay only the equivalent of about $2,300. (However, the judge warned that if Reynolds failed to pay, he could be jailed for up to 35 days!) [BBC News, 12-23-09] In September 2008, veteran criminal Waled Salem and two partners were discovered burglarizing the home of businessman Munir Hussain. Salem, wielding a knife, restrained Hussain, his wife, and children and resumed the ransacking. Hussain freed himself and chased the men away, catching up only with Salem, whom he then beat with a cricket bat. In December 2009 in Reading Crown Court, Salem was sentenced to probation, but Hussain got 30 months in jail for assault. [Daily Mail, 12-15-09] Pervo-American Community Colt Heltsley, 20, had been spotted by police in 2008 at the Preble County (Ohio) Fair, "looking around, acting nervous" in the area of a row of portable toilets and in one 30-minute sequence continually moving empty toilets until they were close together. He was eventually convicted of voyeurism, peeping at a female using the facility. In December 2009, a state appeals court rejected Heltsley's defense that police had violated his right to privacy with their surveillance. [Cincinnati Enquirer, 12-28-09] Now, Which One Is the Brake? (all-new) Elderly drivers' recent lapses of concentration, accidentally confusing the brake pedal with the gas: An 89-year-old man crashed through the front of Sussex Eyecare opticians in Seaford, England (June). A driver "in her late 80s" crashed into the Buttonwood Bakery in Hanover Township, Pa. (September). An 86-year-old man crashed into the Country Boy Family Restaurant in Dunedin, Fla. (October). An 82-year-old man crashed into the Egypt Star Bakery in Whitehall Township, Pa. (November). A 78-year-old woman drove off of a 30-foot cliff (but the car's plunge was halted when it lodged against a tree) near Hannibal, Mo. (August). A 92-year-old man crashed into the Biscuits 'N' Gravy and More restaurant in Port Orange, Fla. (January) (but was not deterred amidst the rubble he created, as he calmly went inside, sat down and ordered breakfast). [Seaford: Daily Mail, 6-27-09] [Hanover Township: WNEP-TV (Moosic, Pa.), 12-19-09] [Dunedin: St. Petersburg Times, 10-13-09] [Whitehall Township: Morning Call (Allentown), 11-19-09] [Hannibal: WBBM-TV (Chicago)-AP, 8-13-09] [Port Orange: WESH-TV (Orlando), 1-6-10] A News of the Weird Classic (March 1995) In August 1994, Sanford, Fla., judge Newman Brock picked up hair clippers and went to the local Seminole County Jail for his regular biweekly haircut from his longtime hairstylist, Rick Thrower, who was serving 45 days for DUI violations. Said Thrower, "(The judge is) a very loyal customer." [Orlando Sentinel, 8-5-94] Thanks This Week to Tom Burnett, Sam Gaines, Ken Evans, Dan McGauley, Tom Barker, Joe Casso, Sandy Pearlman, and Peter Hine, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

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• 28 Feb 2010 20:05

  WEEK OF FEBRUARY 28, 2010 LEAD STORY When Dexter Blanch's dog nearly died from complications during spay surgery, he decided to use the event as inspiration and recently brought to market a chastity belt to give pet owners more control of their animals' animal instincts. The Pet Anti-Breeding System harness is especially valuable to professional breeders who may want to keep a female out of one or more "heat cycles" without resorting to sterilization. So far, said Blanch, the belts have been proven effective, but he admitted to a San Francisco Chronicle reporter in February that horndog males pose severe tests by gnawing relentlessly at the leather straps that are crimping their style. [San Francisco Chronicle, 2-3-10] The Importance of the Dictionary: When Donald Williams was publicly sworn in as a judge in Ulster County, N.Y., on Jan. 2, offices were closed, and no one could find a Bible. Since holy books are not legally required, Williams took the oath with his hand on a dictionary. [St. Petersburg Times-AP, 1-5-10] Merriam Webster's 10th edition dictionary is so influential that the Menifee Union School District in Southern California removed all copies from its elementary schools' shelves in January in response to a parent's complaint that the book contains a reference to "oral sex." [Press-Enterprise (Riverside, Calif.), 1-21-10] "Texting" While Driving Is Not the Problem: Briton Rachel Curtis, 23, was sentenced to 12 months in prison by Bristol Crown Court in October for leading police on a high-speed chase while injecting heroin. [The Times (London), 10-31-09] Authorities in Scottsboro, Ala., in December arrested a man after a high-speed chase during which he allegedly had methamphetamine cooking in the front seat. [Birmingham News, 12-23-09] Long-haul trucker Thomas Wallace was charged with manslaughter in Buffalo, N.Y., in January after his rig struck a parked car, killing the occupant, while Wallace was distracted watching pornography on his laptop computer. [Columbus Dispatch, 1-27-10] Too-Swift Justice: It is not unheard of for someone to commit a crime and then immediately surrender, usually for safety or for the comfort of a warm jail cell (such as Timmy Porter, 41, did in Anchorage, Alaska, in October immediately after robbing the First National Bank Alaska). [Anchorage Daily News, 10-23-09] However, Gerard Cellette Jr., 44, tried to be even more helpful. Knowing that he would soon be arrested (and probably convicted) for running a $53 million Ponzi scheme in the Minneapolis area, he walked into a county judge's chambers in December and offered to begin serving time. The judge explained that Cellette would have to wait until charges were filed and a plea recorded. [Star Tribune, 12-9-09] Timing Is Everything: Guido Boldini (and his mother Constance Boldini) pleaded guilty last April to soliciting a hit man to take out Guido's ex-wife, Michelle Hudon, after a contentious child-custody battle in Keene, N.H. The "hit man" was, of course, an undercover cop, and the son and mother are now serving a combined 12 to 35 years in prison. However, unknown to the Boldinis, Michelle Hudon had been diagnosed with cancer, and in September, she died. [Keene Sentinel, 11-10-09] Bright Ideas An official in Shijiazhuang, China, told Agence France-Presse in December that the city's new "women only" parking lot was designed to meet females' "strong sense of color and different sense of distance." That is, the spaces are 3 feet wider than regular spaces and painted pink and purple. Also, attendants have been "trained" to "guide" women into parking spaces. [BBC News, 12-28-09] Lenoir County, N.C., sheriff's deputies raided a suspected marijuana farm in January and learned that the grow operation was all underground. The 60 live plants were being cultivated inside an abandoned school bus, which had been completely buried, using several backhoes, accessible by a tunnel and with a garage built on top of it. [WITN-TV (Greenville, N.C.), 1-14-10] The Fragrance of Love First, farmer Dick Kleis of Zwingle in eastern Iowa, composing a birthday note to his wife, arranged more than 60 tons of manure in a pasture to spell out "Happy Birthday, Love You" in shorthand. Then, for Valentine's Day, farmer Bruce Andersland created a half-mile-wide, arrow-pierced heart from plowed manure at his farm near the town of Albert Lea, Minn. "Now I've got my valentine!" shouted wife Beth, when she first viewed the aerial image. [WTTG-TV (Washington, D.C.), 1-5-10] [Albert Lea Tribune, 2-11-10] Oops! Helmut Kichmeier, 27, a hypnotist "trainee" who appears as Hannibal Helmurto in Britain's Circus of Horrors, accidentally hypnotized himself in January as he was practicing in front of a mirror. (Being in such a trance helps him swallow swords on stage.) His wife called Kichmeier's mentor, Dr. Ray Roberts, who, as a "voice of authority," was able to snap Kichmeier out of it over the phone. [Daily Telegraph, 1-5-10] Fine Points of the Law A death-row inmate has a right to question the fairness of the sentencing jurors if they appear to be so friendly with the judge that they give him (and the bailiff) post-trial gag chocolates shaped like breasts and penises. The U.S. Supreme Court in January ordered a lower court to consider a rehearing request from convicted killer Marcus Wellons of Georgia. [American Bar Association Journal, 1-19-10] Seattle-area resident Patricia Sylvester, on trial for vehicular assault in October, was declared "not guilty" by the jury, but her sense of relief quickly faded. Polling the jurors individually, the judge learned that the verdict was not unanimous, as required by law. He sent them back to deliberate further, and Sylvester was this time unanimously found "guilty" (although of a lesser charge). [Whidbey News Times (Whidbey, Wash.), 10-22-09] Didn't Think Ahead: Two men tied up employees at a recycling company in Chicago in December, intending to take away the ATM on the premises, which is normally used to pay people who bring in scrap metal. However, the two men fled empty-handed after realizing that they were not strong enough to carry the 250-pound machine out to their truck. [Chicago Sun-Times, 12-31-09] Lloyd Norris, 57, was arrested in Gwinnett County, Ga., in February and charged with mortgage fraud, after he tried to buy a house with "cash" consisting of a nonsensical $225,000 "U.S. Treasury" promissory note, supposedly "certified" by Secretary Timothy Geithner. Norris had prepared $1 billion worth of the documents on his computer and apparently assumed that banks would not look too closely at them. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 2-10-10] Sometimes, Men Just Have to Prove Theirs Is Bigger A 31-year-old man was stabbed in St. Cloud, Minn., in January. He told police that he and another man were approaching each other on a sidewalk, and when neither man gave way, the other man stabbed him. [St. Cloud Times, 1-16-10] Scott Elder, 22, was charged with shooting a 24-year-old man in Savannah, Ga., in October after an escalating argument that started when one of the two strangers sent a text message to a wrong number. One comment led to another, and the men agreed to meet in a downtown parking lot to settle things. [Savannah Morning News, 10-28-09] Lankward Harrington, 25, was walking past a gardener working on lawn in Washington, D.C., in October 2006 when grass clippings blew onto his clothes. At his trial in October 2009, Harrington was convicted of murder for shooting the gardener four times in the face. Said Harrington, on the witness stand: "He got grass on me. [I] take pride in my appearance." [Washington Post, 10-7-09] A News of the Weird Classic (April 2005) Dr. Thomas Perls, director of the New England Centenarian Study at Boston University Medical School, told a conference in Brisbane, Australia, in March 2005 that he donates blood regularly, largely because he believes it will prolong his life. Women outlive males, Dr. Perls believes, mainly because they menstruate. Perls said iron loss inhibits the growth of free radicals that age cells. "I menstruate," he said, "every eight weeks." [News Limited (Australia), 3-19-05] Thanks This Week to Stephen Taylor, Bob Pert, Sarah Rosenzweig, Gil Nelson, Hal Dunham, William Howe, Bruce Leiserowitz, Thomas Wyman, Sandy Pearlman, and Cindy Hildebrand, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors. (And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Pro Edition, at

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• 25 Feb 2010 17:21

  NOTE: New columns are posted at some point on the day of release, which is the most recent Sunday. If your browser shows an older column than that, try hitting the Refresh button to get the latest column.If the column did not update, please All content copyright © 1999-2010 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Uclick. , the home of Universal Uclick.

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• 22 Feb 2010 01:53

  02.14.10

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• 21 Feb 2010 01:48

  WEEK OF FEBRUARY 21, 2010 Lead Story In all likelihood, convicted murderer Paul Powell would have been sentenced to life in prison for his 1999 crime, but he could not resist gratuitously ridiculing the prosecutor. Powell's original sentence of death was overturned because of a technicality in Virginia law: The "aggravated" circumstance in a murder that warrants the death penalty must be committed against the actual murder victim (whereas the prosecutor had proved only that Powell had also raped the victim's sister). Powell assumed that the prohibition against "double jeopardy" thus ruled out the death penalty and so decided to gloat, calling the prosecutor "stupid" and taunting him with details of his crimes. For the first time, Powell admitted that he had also raped the murder victim. That was evidence of a new aggravated circumstance (i.e., no "double jeopardy"), and the prosecutor obtained a death sentence. In January 2010, the U.S. Supreme Court rejected Powell's appeal. [CNN, 1-25-10] Can't Possibly Be True A Toronto restaurant, Mildred's Temple Kitchen, announced that its Valentine's Day promotion this year would not just be a romantic dinner but would also include an invitation for couples to have sex in the restrooms. Toronto Public Health officials appeared unconcerned, as long as there was no sex in food-preparation areas and as long as the restrooms were clean. "Bodily fluids" were not a concern, said one unruffled health official, because after all, that's what restrooms are for. [Toronto Star, 2-3-10] Women's rights activists in Uganda finally got the attention of the Western press in December, when London's The Independent verified the plight of Jennipher Alupot, who periodically for seven years had been forced to breastfeed her husband's hunting dogs as she was nursing the couple's own children. Farmer Nathan Awoloi of Pallisa explained that his dogs needed to eat, and since he was forced to send Jennipher's family two milk cows in order to win her hand, he felt his demands were reasonable. [The Independent, 12-31-09] In January, the Justice Department's Inspector General released a long-anticipated report detailing the FBI's post-9/11 corner-cutting in obtaining individual Americans' phone records. Federal law permits such acquisition only with a "terrorism" subpoena ("National Security Letter") unless the FBI documents emergency ("exigent") circumstances to a telecom company. The Inspector General found that, from 2002-2006, the FBI had representatives of three telecom companies set up in the FBI unit so that agents could request phone records orally, without documentation, and in some cases merely by writing the requested phone numbers on Post-it Notes and sticking them on the telecom employees' workstations. Some of the acquired records were uploaded to the FBI's database. [New York Times, 1-21-10] Inexplicable Police are still baffled by how Gregory Denny, 37, was able to "deport" Cherrie Belle Hibbard from her home in Hemet, Calif., in January back to her native Philippines. According to Hemet police, Denny, with a gun and fake U.S. Marshal's badge and shirt, knocked on Hibbard's door and convinced her that he was there to escort her to the airport and out of the country and that Hibbard's husband had to buy her the ticket. Denny then accompanied Hibbard through airport security and put her onto a flight. Upon questioning by police later, Denny apparently remained in character, continuing to insist that he is a Marshal. Denny was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping, impersonating a peace officer and several other charges. [Los Angeles Times, 2-4-10] Buffalo, N.Y., television meteorologist Mike Cejka was arrested in December after a brief police chase and charged with trespassing after he was spotted at 4 a.m. tinkering with the covering of a motorcycle in a stranger's yard. Cejka told police he was on his way to work at the station and had merely stopped to admire the motorcycle he had remembered seeing in that yard over the summer. He was wearing a dress shirt and shoes and leather chaps topped by a pair of sweat shorts. [Niagara Gazette, 1-5-10] Unclear on the Concept A 27-year-old man was arrested for trespassing in January in Seattle's Lusty Lady peep-show arcade, whose layout is a strippers' dance stage surrounded by private viewing stalls for customers. According to police, the man climbed from his stall, through a ceiling panel, and navigated the overhead crawl space, which only allowed him to peep at the strippers from a different angle. [Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 1-26-10] In December, British Columbia's District of Sechelt Council approved a bylaw making it illegal for licensed dogs to chase squirrels, seagulls and other wild animals. The councillors added a defense of "provocation" but left it undefined, which might be especially problematic in instances in which the dog is the only witness to the alleged provocation. [Coast Reporter (Sechelt), 12-24-09] The Continuing Crisis In February, the Board of Trustees of Saugatuck Township, Mich., scheduled a May referendum asking voters for an increase in the property tax in order to cover unanticipated new expenses. The budget overrun was due to the mounting costs of defending lawsuits by people and companies complaining that the Township's property taxes are too high. [Grand Rapids Press, 2-4-10] University of Montreal School of Social Work professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse, intending to research the effects of pornography on men's relationships with women and needing a control group for comparison, advertised in the local community for up to 20 nonusers of pornography, but he was forced to radically alter his research model when no one signed up. Concluded Lajeunesse, in December: "Guys who do not watch pornography do not exist." [Montreal Gazette, 12-4-09] Poorly Conceived: Travis Copeland, 19, bolting from a courtroom in Waukegan, Ill., in January, ran down a hallway and then lowered his shoulder and thrust himself at a window, intending to crash through it to freedom. Courthouse windows are bulletproof, and Copeland merely bounced off, staggered away and fell to the floor in pain. [Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, Ill.), 1-15-10] Chamil Guadarrama, 30, was arrested in Springfield, Mass., in February after a store security guard spotted him with 75 bottles of lotion stuffed down his pant legs (which were tied off at the ankles), making him look like a nearly immobile Michelin Man. Said a cop: "(We) could not fit Mr. Guadarrama into the cruiser because ... he could not bend over." [The Republican (Springfield), 2-4-10] The Jesus and Mary World Tour (Recent Appearances) Rathkeale, Ireland, July (Mary on a tree stump). Apia, Samoa, September (Mary on the outside wall of a church). Velyky Berezny, Ukraine, September (Jesus on the outside wall of a factory). Ravena, N.Y., September (Jesus in a coffee stain on a mason jar). Bishopville, S.C., October (Jesus on a kitchen curtain). Southampton, England, November (Jesus in a flatbread at an Indian restaurant). Methuen, Mass., November (Jesus in a stain on the bottom of an iron). Florissant, Mo., December (Jesus on a splotch in a sink). Jonesborough, Tenn., November (Jesus, morning after morning, in window condensation on a pickup truck). (Apparently, only the three foreign sightings have drawn significant pilgrimage to the sites.) [Rathkeale: Irish Times, 7-9-09] [Apia: Agence France-Presse, 9-17-09] [Velyky Berezny: Daily Telegraph (London), 9-17-09] [Ravena: Times Union (Albany), 6-17-09] [Bishopville: WLTX-TV (Columbia, S.C.), 10-8-09] [Southampton: Daily Echo (Redbridge, England), 11-11-09] [Methuen: Eagle-Tribune (North Andover, Mass.), 11-27-09] [Florissant: KTVI-TV (St. Louis), 12-16-09] [Jonesborough: New York Daily News-AP, 11-4-09] A News of the Weird Classic (May 2003) Least Competent Circus Knife-Thrower: News of the Weird reported twice on staffing problems of British circus knife-thrower Jayde Hanson. One assistant walked off the job in 2001 after being nearly hit in the foot, which would have been her third wound that season (equaling the number of injuries a previous girlfriend had suffered as Hanson's assistant before she quit the year before). In April 2003, Hanson was performing with his new girlfriend, Yana Rodianova, 22, live on Britain's "This Morning" television show, displaying his world-record form as a speed knife-thrower, when one knife hit Rodianova in the head, drawing blood. [Reuters, 4-10-03] Thanks This Week to Jim Weiss, Tom Barker, Peter Smagorinsky, Rachael Turner, Pete Randall, Bex Zumbruski, Steve Dunn, Brandon Bowers, and Jon Cooper, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Geoffrey Egan, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and the News of the Weird Editorial Advisors (Paul Blumstein, John Cieciel, Harry Farkas, Fritz Gritzner, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle). (And for the accomplished and joyous cynic, try News of the Weird Daily/Pro Edition, at

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• 17 Feb 2010 06:07

  02.07.10

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• 14 Feb 2010 01:18

  FEBRUARY 14, 2010 White People in Turmoil: April Gaede, who four years ago guided her teenage daughters, Lynx and Lamb (performing as "Prussian Blue"), to a brief music career singing neo-Nazi songs, announced a new project recently on the white nationalist Web site Stormfront.org. She offers a no-fee matchmaking service to fertile Aryans, hoping to encourage marriage and baby-making -- to help white people keep up with rapidly procreating minorities. [Southern Poverty Law Center News, 1-25-10] Don "Moose" Lewis announced plans in January for a 12-city pro basketball league composed only of white players (natural-born U.S. citizens, whose parents are both Caucasian). Lewis denied any "racism," explaining to the Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle that whites simply like "fundamental" basketball and not "street ball" ("flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch"). [Augusta Chronicle, 1-19-10] Cultural Diversity Computer-obsessed Japanese nerds' latest fancy is Love Plus, a Nintendo DS dating simulation that allows them a young, attractive, mouthy, teenage digital "girlfriend" who begs for attention. The touch-screen lover demands hand-holding, kissing and having sweet nothings whispered in her ear. How can men so easily become addicted to such vicarious experiences? Said one reluctant player, "Koh," to the BoingBoing blog,"(It) comes down to the fact that men are simple." (In December, Reuters reported that Japanese player SAL9000 had eloped to the Philippines with his Love Plus girlfriend, had himself photographed with her at romantic sites -- clutching the screen showing her image -- and then took her through a marriage ceremony.) [LiveScience.com, 11-13-09; BoingBoing.net, 10-27-09] [Reuters, 12-20-09] As vultures approach extinction in South Africa, they grow in value among local "traditional" communities for their magical abilities. Specks of a vulture's brain, sprinkled on mud and smoked, can supposedly ward off evil and bring winning lottery numbers. One Johannesburg vendor told Agence France-Presse in December that the specks even work when daubed on dogs' noses, enabling them to extend their already formidable scenting power. [Agence France-Presse, 12-27-09] Latest Religious Messages A Montana-based sect is fighting to remain viable, six months after the death of its "Mother," the Jesus-channeling Elizabeth Clare Prophet. Several aspirants have tried to claim her mantle, but the sect's council of elders found them all to be charlatans, and membership rolls have dwindled. The church was similarly challenged in 1990, when Mother forecast nuclear doomsday and financed the construction of large underground bunkers on a mountainside north of Yellowstone National Park (which are still available). The council is having trouble, especially, finding volunteers to transcribe the 22,000 hours of video and audio in which Mother set out the justifications for the sect. [Columbia (Mo.) Daily Tribune-AP, 11-6-09] Televangelist Rod Parsley informed his flock in December that he urgently needed several million dollars because of financial problems attributed directly to Satan. According to a report in the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch, Parsley's World Harvest Church was facing a $3 million deficit for the quarter ending in December after earlier in the year paying $3.1 million to settle a lawsuit over its day-care center's having too brutally spanked a boy. Wrote Parsley, "Will you help me take back what the devil stole?" [Columbus Dispatch, 12-16-09] Crimestopper: In Frisco, Texas, in January, boutique owner Marian Chadwick, who was about to be robbed at gunpoint by a hooded intruder, pointed her finger at him and said: "In the name of Jesus, you get out of my store. I bind you by the power of the Holy Spirit." The man appeared stunned, then turned and walked out empty-handed, cursing. [Dallas Morning News, 1-14-10] A 20-year veteran Houston cop who wears badge number 666 told the Houston Chronicle in a December profile that once, 17 years ago, a dangerous perp who had been defiant that he would not be captured suddenly dropped to his knees and surrendered. He had glanced at the badge. Said he, "I ain't fighting the devil." [Houston Chronicle, 12-7-09] Questionable Judgments In Thailand, the endangered status of crocodiles and elephants is largely ignored by the public, who are instead enthralled with the giant pandas and their cub on loan from China. (There is even a 24-hour cable TV "panda channel.") At several of the country's zoos, officials now regularly paint their crocodiles and elephants in panda colors (with harmlessly washable paint) to call attention to their plight. Even though the paint must be reapplied daily, "It's impossible not to do it now," said one croc handler for a December Wall Street Journal dispatch. "People expect it." [Wall Street Journal, 12-5-09] Only four days after the January earthquake hit Port-au-Prince, two Royal Caribbean cruise ships made a port call at a private enclave about 60 miles up Haiti's coastline from ground zero, turning loose hundreds of frolickers for "jet ski rides, parasailing and rum cocktails delivered to their hammocks," according to a report in London's The Guardian. Haitian guards employed by the cruise line manned the resort's 12-foot-high fences, but about a third of the passengers still declined to leave the ships, too upset by the unfolding disaster nearby to enjoy themselves. Royal Caribbean said it had made a large donation to the rescue effort and promised, also, to send proceeds from the port's thriving craft stores. [The Guardian, 1-17-10] The Need for Parental Licensing: In January, as punishment for her 12-year-old son's bad grade in school, a Warm Springs, Ga., mother allegedly forced the boy to club his pet hamster to death with a hammer. Lynn Middlebrooks Geter, 38, was arrested after the kid told his teacher, who called the state children's services agency. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 1-22-10] Obsessions Unless Stephen Gough, 50, changes his mind about wearing pants, he risks spending the rest of his life behind bars, according to a January ruling of Scotland's Perth Sheriff Court. Gough, Britain's "naked rambler," is a freelance nudist who for years has roamed the United Kingdom countryside, interrupted by numerous jail stints for violating public decency. He was released from Perth Prison in December after his latest stay, but seconds later shucked his clothes and was re-arrested. (In his most recent trial, Gough acted as his own lawyer and somehow persuaded an overly fair judge to let him be naked in court.) [STV.tv (Edinburgh), 1-12-10] Shane Williams-Allen, 19, was arrested in Tavares, Fla., in January and charged with burglarizing an unmarked police car and stealing several items, including handcuffs and a Taser gun. Eventually, Williams-Allen called the police for help after he accidentally cuffed himself, and officers believe he also accidentally Tasered himself. [Orlando Sentinel, 1-15-10] Police in Oakland, Calif., called off their manhunt for fleeing home-invasion suspects in January when officers encountered four of the men wedged between two buildings they had tried to squeeze through. [KTVU (Oakland), 1-14-10] Recurring Themes The Whole Truth and Nothing But: Last August, an applicant for the police force in Montgomery, Ala., following directions to be truthful during the job interview, admitted that he owned child pornography. He was of course not hired, but arrested. In January 2010, 170 miles to the south in Pensacola, Fla., another law-enforcement applicant, Clarence Burnette, 25, admitted to owning child pornography -- during his interview to be a sheriff's deputy. He also was not hired, but arrested. (The Montgomery applicant, who also confessed to having sex with an underage girl, is now serving 30 years in prison.) [Press-Register (Mobile), 1-6-10] A News of the Weird Classic (October 1999) The death of a 49-year-old woman in Scotland in September 1999 brought to three the number of no-food, no-water, "breatharian"-diet followers of Australian Ellen Greve who have died of starvation in two years. Greve claims 5,000 disciples, charges over $2,000 (U.S.) per ticket for her seminars, and sells her only-sunlight-and-air philosophy ("liberation from the drudgery of food and drink") to guilty Westerners in part as conferring spirituality on Third World hunger. Nutritionists quoted by The Times of London said, of course, that there is no scientific basis for Greve's teachings. [Edmonton Journal-The Times (London), 9-26-99] Thanks Ths Week to Sam Gaines, Peter Smagorinsky, Scott Huber, Steve Dunn, Gale Walters, and Sarah Del Collo, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

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• 08 Feb 2010 05:47

  01.31.10

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