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23 May ' 21:31
Wednesday, May 23, 2012 CAN HIGH PITCH STOP EATING? The Howard Stern Show for May 23, 2012
A DOCUMEN-TAKEI
Early in the show, George asked Howard to speak with a documentarian (she’s making a film about George’s life) after the show--Howard bristled: “Whatever you want, I’ll do. I mean, what are you going to do? I’m now locked in to this documentary nobody’s going to see. … I know what the public wants. I’m telling you, this is crazy. But I’ll do it.” Resigned, Howard begged Gary to run interference: “He doesn’t get it.”
In return for the interview, Howard asked George how many men he would have sex with during his bathhouse days. George laughed that he’d use a poorly conceived pseudonym, “Greg Tamaki,” and often engaged in oral sex and “hard touching” with 2 to 3 men per visit. Bizarrely, George has actually continued, over the years, to use the pseudonym when checking into hotels--at least he did until now.ROBIN IS OUT TODAY
Howard soberly announced that Robin would not be in today--she’s having a surgical procedure: “Doing a show without Robin is like cutting off my left arm or my right arm or maybe both. Robin and I have been doing the show for over 35 years. Robin is an amazing woman. I don’t talk about Robin enough because, you know, you’re doing a show and you don’t want to get all serious and sappy. But Robin has been one of the--maybe the most spectacular influence in my life.”
Howard recalled the first time they spoke: “We made a connection. It was instantaneous. I said, ‘I could do anything with this woman. I know it could work.’ This was a 15 minute conversation--if that. … Within 5 minutes, I knew this was the woman I wanted to spend my career with. I was in love with her from the first conversation.” Their chemistry was miraculous: “Needle in a haystack? You have better odds with a needle in a haystack.”GET WELL, ROBIN
At certain points, Howard almost lost it: “She was my backbone, you understand. Where I would lose courage, Robin always had the courage. She always is the brave one. Always the brave one with me. I could go to her, and I could always rely on her.” Before moving on, Howard hoped for a speedy recovery: “She is the person I need to work with. She is perfect. She’s perfection on the radio.”DAVID HASSELHOFF CAN’T TAKE IT ANY LONGER
David Hasselhoff called in to promote his latest film, ‘Piranha 3DD,’ and regretted that he and Howard never got to share the ‘AGT’ stage: “It would’ve been great fun sitting next to you, dude. We would’ve had a blast. But after butting heads with Piers and threatening to kill him on the air, I finally said, ‘I can’t take it any longer.’”David also noted how closely Howard had followed in his footsteps: “First I do ‘Baywatch’ and then you do ‘Son of the Beach.’ Then I do ‘America’s Got Talent.’ And then you replace me on ‘America’s Got Talent.’ Why do you keep taking my franchises?” Howard countered that he’d actually replaced Piers: “Howie replaced you!” David conceded the point, shooting back: “How do you replace Piers?”LEO ALMOST JOINED THE CAST OF ‘BAYWATCH’--IN REHAB
Asked if he’d almost cast Leonardo DiCaprio as his son in ‘Baywatch,’ David laughed that it was true: “He actually brought that up to me after he was in--starring in ‘Titanic’ and I saw him at Universal Studios. I said, ‘The best thing that ever happened to you was we didn’t cast you.’ … I think everybody on Baywatch ended up somewhere [ending] in the word rehab.”RONNIE’S LATEST POEM: “GUEST ANNOUNCER”
He arrives at the station at the break of day Green tea, oatmeal, fruit before he starts to play He has no problem telling the world he is gay He will play with a guest’s cock even though Brad will scold him later in the day That is why we love George Takei
LISA G’S SWEET & GREET
When she came in with the morning’s Howard100 News headlines, Lisa G had to answer for her upcoming “Sweet & Greet” fan event: “It’s only 22 people, so it’s more exclusive.” Howard thought it seemed out of character, but Lisa disagreed, saying she rarely gets to connect with listeners: “I never stop and say hello...I’m always on a deadline when I’m walking around with you, covering you--I’ve got to come back [here].” Howard shook his head: “I don’t think it’s for the women who listen. It’s more for you.”
SAL’S $12,000 VENEERS
After learning that Sal was getting veneers put on his teeth and planned to finance the procedure with high-interest credit card, Howard laughed: “You know they’re going to be shitty veneers. .. You are an asshole. You are geting 18 to 19% interest for your stupid veneers?” Sal confessed the $12,000 credit line actually carried a 22% interest rate--but he’s got priorities: “I’m doing a couple independent films.” Howard shrugged that Sal was capable of making his own decisions: “Bad ones. Get out of here. I’m saying: no teeth for you.”
HIGH PITCH ERIK’S WEIGHT LOSS PLAN
High Pitch Erik stopped by to catch up with Howard, reporting that he was seeing a therapist to cope with depression: “The anniversary of my mom’s death is coming up.” Erik’s even lost his appetite: he now weighs just 350lbs: “With depression you don’t eat that much.” Asked about his diet, Erik laid out the day ahead:
For breakfast: “Yogurt and an iced coffee.”For lunch: “Three slices of pizza.”For dinner: “I’ll go to Burger King and get like a burger or something with a chocolate shake or an iced tea.” [Also: fries.]BEN STERN BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN
Late in the show, Ben Stern called in to recap his smash-hit appearance on last night’s ‘AGT’: “I thought I did something that came across but I don’t think I was that good.” Sounding eerily like his son, Ben deferred to ‘AGT’s’ audience: “If they like it, I know I did a good job.” Howard’s mother, Ray, later got on the line to sing Ben’s praises: “Your father always had the ability to make me laugh. I think he’s the greatest. You know that.”
The crew listened to astor Charles Worley’s hate speech.Howard played a clip of the sleeping 911 operator.David Hasselhoff said he was preparing to race in this year’s Gumball Rally.Ray Stern said she’d always been a fan of Jimmy Stewart. -
22 May ' 12:13
Tuesday, May 22, 2012 GREGG ALLMAN’S HARD ROCK LIFE The Howard Stern Show for May 22, 2012
BRAD’S BOTTOM SURNAME
Early in the show, Howard said his staff had noted a shift in their communication with Brad, George Takei’s husband/manager: he now signs his emails as “Brad Takei.” George said, “Altman was his maiden name. … It was his decision that I went with,” as he’d only wanted Brad to take a hyphenated surname. Howard thought the change made sense: “You’re more the man and Brad’s more the woman. … I’m not saying that gay people have to have traditional male-female roles, but he is more feminine. ”
Howard went on, explaining: “He’s taking it in the ass and you won’t. He’s being entered and you’re doing the entering.” But George saw it differently: “If you want to define it that way, but that’s [just] the way we define pleasure.” Howard countered with an old piece of intelligence: Brad pees sitting down. George laughed that Howard had a point: “Yes he does. … I can’t do it that way. You can’t get the musculature going.”GARY’S BLAZER RESPECT
Howard noted that, after being called out for only wearing his blazer for guests Gary deems important, like Warren Littlefield, Gary was now wearing his jacket for all guests...starting with Slash. Howard also commented that Jason had gone back through his photo archives in search of other instances of the blazer and could only find 2 in 8 years of photos.
SLASH’S STOLEN TOP HAT
Slash stopped by to promote his new album, Apocalyptic Love, and denied that his top hat was an affectation: “It wasn’t intentional, so I didn’t see it coming. But eventually it did--it became a signature sort of thing.” He explained how he had actually stolen it from a store called Retail Slut on Melrose: “[It was] just tall enough to be tall and just short enough to not be knocked off by a gust of wind. … I guess I was just cruising around looking for stuff to pilfer.”
SLASH ON GNR
Asked about the Guns ‘N Roses legacy, Slash said it was no longer in his hands: “We gave up the name and all that kind of stuff because no one really gave a shit.” Asked why Axl hated him so much, Slash admitted (“I’m not that fond of him either.”) he’d done some damage himself, citing a few things he’d said during Velvet Revolver’s first press tour: “I’m sure that had some stuff to do with it but I don’t dwell on that stuff.”Slash said it was too bad, as GNR had a rare chemistry: “As a songwriting team, we really did it together. From a musical point of view, I can’t--I don’t want to speak on a lyrical point of view, but from a musical point of view, they almost wrote themselves. A song would take--maybe--some hours to finish. From top to bottom.”AND VELVET REVOLVER
Slash said he and the rest of the guys in Velvet Revolver enlisted Scott Weiland with open eyes: “We knew going into it what we were getting into but we just wanted to play.” Finding a singer had proved to be grueling: “We were listening to 200 singers a week for about 10 months. It was miserable.” It wasn’t just Weiland who was affected though, the band wasn’t good for anyone involved: “There was a period there where we all fell off the wagon. In 2005.”
But it was Scott who tested the band’s limits: “There was a lot of uncontrollable diva shit. Just, you know, serious rock star stuff. That’s when your sense of entitlement is to the point of being so inconsiderate to the people around you that you can’t work in a group situation. … I think it’s just extreme narcissism.”HEY, SLASH--A GNR REUNION?
“I don’t dwell in the past. … I’ve heard a lot of numbers being bandied around and, you know, they’re in the multi-million kind of [zone] but it’s just not going to happen. It’s not worth it.”HARD ROCK, HARD LIVING
Slash said he’d had problems with drugs--but alcohol was the worst: “I learned very early on that if you wake up with a hangover, you can just drink it away--and did that for 25 years.” But he’s no rock casualty. He’s managed to avoid bankruptcy: “That all depends on how much you spend. I’m not a big spender but I have a lot of overhead.” And with simple precaution, he never lost his most valuable assets: “I’m not overly paranoid or anything, but I try not to leave my arm out the window when I’m driving.”NIRVANA WAS RIGHT ABOUT AXL
Before he left, Howard asked Slash how he felt about Nirvana (“They were critical with guys like you.”), but Slash actually thought Kurt and Courtney’s complaints were legitimate: “There were some issues that happened--having to do with Axl--that I felt like they were totally right.”
JUST WAIT ‘TIL GREGG ALLMAN GETS HERE
Gregg Allman stopped by to promote his memoir, ‘My Cross to Bear,’ noting that the keyboard wasn’t his original instrument of choice: “It was guitar. Then I taught my brother, you know, the basic map and he quit school and passed me like I was standing still.” But as good as Duane was with a fretboard--many consider him the greatest slide guitarist of all time--Gregg had an advantage: “He was not a singer.”
Gregg said Duane would always challenge him, ratting Gregg out to their mother--and pushing him into rock ‘n roll: ”He started the whole band and then he called me. And he said, ‘I need you to come round this whole thing up and send it somewhere.’ Meaning writing and singing. I later found out from some of the other guys that he’d said, ‘Wait til my baby brother gets here.’”THE STORY BEHIND ‘MELISSA’
Asked about ‘Melissa,’ one of The Allman Brothers’ biggest hits, Gregg leaned in: “That was the first song I ever wrote. I wrote that when I was 17. I was out on the road for the first time and I guess I was a little homesick, so I just invented this girl and I wrote the whole damn song.” Written as ‘Sweet Barbara,’ the name never feel right until another 3-syllable name came to him--in the form of a fleet-footed toddler named Melissa.Gregg also said he was close with all his children--except Elijah Blue: “He stays gone all the time. He can come visit anytime he likes. … He comes from time to time.”Slash said Steven Tyler’s current Burger King/American Idol incarnation was fine by him: “I know there was some tension for a minute, but they worked it out. … The thing that bothers me, in this day and age, is getting famous for absolutely nothing.”Slash noted that his current singer, Myles Kennedy, was once approached to sing for Led Zeppelin.Howard listened to “Haters,” Benjy’s latest duet with Elisa Jordana--and a departure for the couple: “This is more of a pop kind of thing, but maybe for little kids? They would like this.”The crew debated AGT’s “ball guy.” -
21 May ' 13:31
Monday, May 21, 2012 DISSECTING THE PEACOCK The Howard Stern Show for May 21, 2012
GEORGE TAKEI IS BACK
At the top of the show, Howard welcomed George Takei back to the show--fresh off last night’s ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ finale. George congratulated Arsenio Hall, this season’s victor: “This business is a rollercoaster ride. It’s been a long time for him.” George said Arsenio was an early favorite: “There were two guys who I really enjoyed working with. One was Arsenio. The other was Penn Jillette. … He is one of these extraordinary people who is genuinely considerate of other people.”
A GAY DEBATE WITH THE DONALD
George said he and The Donald were planning to have lunch soon, as George wants to change Trump’s mind about gay marriage: “He’s an influential person. He affects the thinking of a lot of people. … I think he’s an open-minded, fair-minded person. And he’s certainly a savvy businessman who knows what’s happening in New York and the country and what’s happening with young people.”
Robin thought George might be more likely to reverse position than Donald: “Maybe he’ll convince you!” Howard wondered why Donald didn’t support gay rights (“Why doesn’t everyone respect everybody’s faith? What if your faith is dumb?”) and doubted he’d show anyway: “I say that you guys never have lunch together. … I believe Donald would change his opinion on gay marriage rather than have lunch with you.”OCTOMOM TURNS TO PORN
Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman called in to promote her yet-to-be-titled porn video, readily admitting (per Howard’s questioning) that it was a mistake to have so many children: “100%. Of course. I take full accountability.” Howard tried several times to squeeze in a question, but Nadya filibustered most of the interview: “I have not drinken [sic] any coffee and coffee calms me down. … I’m so hyper.”
OCTOMOM’S FIRST ORGASM
Howard noted that Nadya was over a million dollars in debt, and had recently unsuccessfully filed for bankruptcy: “So she has to resort now to a life of pornography.” Nadya said she only masturbated in the video, a first: “This is the first time I’ve faced my greatest fear, which is my own sexuality. And that is my ultimate fear. I’ve been celibate for 14 years now. … This is the first time, in my life, that I’ve had an orgasm.” And she liked it!
Nadya said her first climax was “the best experience of my life.” But it was not an easy task: “I hate cameras. I had to go to NadyaLand in my head.” Howard told Nadya she had an open invite to come in and ride the Sybian if she’d shut her mouth--Nadya agreed: “You can stuff anything in my mouth. An apple, a banana, anything.” Before she hung up, Nadya begged everyone to check out the video: “Here’s the best part: I’m not talking.”WARREN LITTLEFIELD WANTS OPTIONS
Warren Littlefield stopped by to promote his Must-See memoir, ‘Top of the Rock,’ and Howard immediately asked why he hadn’t hired Leno over Letterman. Littlefield said Leno’s candidacy was really the result of Letterman’s negotiation tactics: “My idea was, ‘Hey, if it doesn’t work, what are [we] going to do?’” Michael Ovitz, Letterman’s agent, was asking for a lot: “They handled it like they had Johnny Carson. They made it so punitive and so difficult. … So my job was, ‘Do I have choices?’”Asked about Don Ohlmeyer, his boss at NBC, Warren wasted no words: “Don [was] kind of a bully. He had a big problem with alcohol. And we fought over anything.” Ultimately, the network sided with Don, firing Warren in 1998: “They chose to listen to Don. I was in shock.” After all, Warren had built NBC up from nothing--particularly when it came to comedy: “‘Diff’rent Strokes’ and ‘Hello Larry.’ That was the comedy line-up. Pretty bad.”ON KELSEY, ‘CHEERS’ & ‘THE COSBY SHOW’
Warren remembered how renewing ‘Cheers,’ at the time a struggling sitcom, was a small investment that paid off big: “It changed the DNA of NBC.”
And the ‘Frasier’-era intervention with Kelsey Grammer he participated in: “We really didn’t know how much coke or alcohol he was doing. … It wasn’t Charlie Sheen bad, but we knew he was in trouble. … It was a crisis. We shut down [production].”And locking down ‘The Cosby Show’--after ABC passed: “In the 80s, Bill Cosby turns on the lights [on NBC’s Thursday night domination].”SEINFELD TURNED DOWN $5 MILLION/EPISODE
At the mention of ‘Seinfeld,’ Warren handed Howard a gift--an original, cast-signed shooting script of ‘The Contest.’ Howard immediately asked its worth, but Warren’s eyes just narrowed: “On eBay? You ungrateful bastard.” Warren said the show was insanely profitable for the network--it ended only because Jerry wanted a life, walking away from an offer of $5 million per episode: “We put $110 million dollars on the table and they never negotiated.”
WARREN’S GREATEST MOMENT
Before he left, Howard asked Warren for his greatest moment as a Hollywood executive, so Warren remembered his most shark-like success: Andy Dick’s attempt to renegotiate his ‘News Radio’ contract after Phil Hartman’s death: “I realize he’s from another planet, and I go, ‘Andy, did you take a shit today?” Andy, confused, said yes--so Warren continued:
“I want you to hold onto that feeling, because when I’m done marching the lawyers and everyone up your ass and through your colon we will tear so many holes into your intestines and your entire lower tract, you’ll never have that satisfaction again. ... Three minutes later, his agent called and ‘I don’t know what you said, but he’ll be at work tomorrow.’”IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN’S NEWS
Nadya ‘Octomom’ Suleman said she’d told her oldest child about her new porn video: “I said, ‘One part included a bubblebath.’”Robin laughed at Lisa G’s $100-a-head “Sweet & Meet”--a women-only fan event: “So far I don’t know what’s going to happen other than there’s going to be baked goods and booze and Lisa. I can’t be getting it.”Warren Littlefield said Larry David initially balked when, after five episodes, NBC picked up ‘Seinfeld’ for a full season: “Larry said to Jerry, ‘Tell them we don’t want to do them.’ He said, ‘I have no more ideas.’”Warren also remembered nearly casting Fred Dryer (instead of Ted Danson) in ‘Cheers.’George recommended the stage adaptation of ‘Once.’Howard said the New York Post ran this picture he took of Beth. -
18 May ' 14:41
Friday, May 18, 2012 The Best of the Week May 14 – 18 The Howard Stern Show for May 18, 2012
A VISIT WITH TENACIOUS D
TENACIOUS D ARE ROCKING AGAIN
Jack Black stopped by with Kyle Gass to promote the new Tenacious D album, ‘Rize of the Fenix,’ and immediately had to answer for his expanding waistline: “I am very fat right now. I really am trying. I’m just very hungry.” Absent was the D’s new (unofficial) member: Dave Grohl: “He’s the best drummer alive. He’s on every track. … How do we pay him? We take care of him, but it’s mostly charity work for him.”
HOW FAILURE FEEDS THE D
After telling a story about joining his hero, “Don’t Worry Be Happy” singer Bobby McFerrin, on stage and shaming himself (“I started doing the chest slap and it was unauthorized.”), Jack said the failure of the Tenacious D movie was no different: “Being a comedian, those embarrassing moments are what makes you stronger, [but] I felt pretty confident that it was going to be a hit. I was shocked. I was stumped. I felt like America had dumped me.”
Kyle said it was hard on him as well, as he doesn’t have a film career like Jack’s: “I started to resent the whole thing. … I started a lot of side projects to try to [diversify] but then I realized Jack was my meal ticket.” Jack said they’d taken inspiration from other musical comedy acts like Lonely Island and Flight of the Conchords: “We had to take it up a notch. The only way we could compete with them was to take it more seriously.”WORLD’S STRONGEST NAKED WOMAN
A MORNING WITH JIMMY KIMMEL
JIMMY KIMMEL ON THE COUCH
At the start of the show, Jimmy Kimmel was sitting in the studio, as he’s in town to host ABC’s Up-Fronts. Jimmy remarked that Howard’s first hour (“the warm-up”) was always his favorite anyway: “Howard comes on and complains about people complaining about him talking about ‘America’s Got Talent’ and says, ‘I’m not talking about this show today. F’ all of you.’ And 10 minutes later, you’re talking about it.”
MAKING PEACE WITH KATHIE LEE, OPRAH
Howard said he’d run into an old adversary while promoting ‘AGT’ on ‘The Today Show’--and buried the hatchet: “I had a whole conversation with Kathie Lee.” Robin was shocked (“That’s like Israel and Palestine getting together!”), so Howard explained that she wasn’t a Leno or an Imus: “[They] did something to me. Kathie Lee never did anything to me. … The people who actually did something to me in my career, those are the ones I hate.”Jimmy said he’d also made up with Oprah, an adversary from his ‘Man Show’ days: “I think it was a contributing factor to [my] divorce. I would come home from work and she would start yelling at me based on something she saw on ‘Oprah.’ And I thought, ‘Who is this woman and why is she interfering in my life?’” Oprah’s recent visit to Jimmy’s show was actually a boon for his staff: “She gave a speech to our staff and was very inspiring.”WILL JIMMY MARRY MOLLY?
Howard asked why Jimmy can’t get his girlfriend, Molly, to marry him, so Jimmy laughed: “It’s not that she won’t. It’s just that the timing on these things has to be right.” Jimmy said they also face other obstacles, like that she wants kids: “What man in his 40s wouldn’t want more kids?” And a shared work environment: “I’m barely allowed to glance at her in the office. But it’s great. Because she’s very nervous about it and I feast on that nervousness.”
THE MILLION DOLLAR BJ
Jimmy said he was fascinated by Ronnie and Richard’s million dollar indecent proposal, as it presented a dilemma to its participants--particularly Ronnie: “On one hand, you want it to be over quickly. On the other, you don’t want anyone to think you were excited by it.” Jimmy also wondered why Ronnie had insisted on wearing a rubber.
During their discussion, Gary came in to report two things: 1. Ashley Madison has already announced that they’re “down” to pony up the cash. And 2. Richard agreed, on last Wednesday’s Wrap-Up Show, to take a load to the face (as proof of a job done): “If that’s one of the little demands for me to get the money, I’ll deal with it.” Richard came in to explain: “I’d rather check the condom, to be honest, but I want it to be a funny bit. And I think it’s just funnier.”THE EMBARRASSED VOYEUR
Jimmy laughed that viewers were likely to get more than they bargained for: “This is one of those things where you sign up for the pay-per-view, and you’re like, ‘Oh, this is going to be great,’ and as soon as it starts, you’re like, ‘What the f’ am I watching?’”ERIC THE MIDGET’S WISH LIST
Before leaving (to co-host ‘Live! with Kelly Ripa’), Jimmy said he’d recently bought Eric the Midget a bag of chips off his Amazon wish list (“It cost 3 times as much to ship them.”), as well as two different donut makers. Jimmy laughed that he’d chosen at random, since the list is 100 pages long and made up almost entirely of widely-available products, like ‘Walker Texas Ranger’ on DVD.
Eric called in to defend his love for Walker: “That’s one of the many shows I enjoyed watching when it was on TV.” Point conceded, Jimmy went over some of the list’s other bizarre choices, like an Oakland A’s sippy cup--and a train set: “Is it a hobby? Or is it for transportation?”ANDY RICHTER IN STUDIO
MARK MCGRATH & ART ALEXAKIS
Everclear frontman Art Alexakis and Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath stopped by to promote their Summerland Tour, a 5-band experience of “the most iconic multi-platinum acts from the 90s”: The Gin Blossoms, Lit, Marcy Playground, Sugar Ray, and Everclear. Asked who the headliner was, Art fessed up: “We’re the last band. Everclear is the last band on the show. But I have to say, the headliners are the songs.” Mark laughed: “He’s being diplomatic.”
Art said he hadn’t always been so diplomatic, citing the many band members he’s fired over the years: “I just have a zero tolerance for drugs.” (Mark laughed: “Thank god I’m not in your band.”) The tour will help fund all he’s lost to the IRS and marriages: “I didn’t piss away anything. I gave it to my ex-wives.” Art then performed brief takes on his biggest and best songs: “Santa Monica,” “Father of Mine,” and “Heroin Girl.” Mark, in turn, performed “Fly”--and a hilarious cover of “Jacking Off to Yo Facebook Pics.”MORE BLOCK PARTY WOES
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16 May ' 12:48
Wednesday, May 16, 2012 THE WORLD’S STRONGEST NAKED WOMAN The Howard Stern Show for May 16, 2012
JD WON’T SWALLOW
Early in the show, Howard played a clip from the Wrap-Up Show of JD trying to explain why he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) swallow the pretzel he was eating on-air yesterday: “Because I didn’t have a thing of water with me and I didn’t want to start choking on the air. I-I know. But listen, it was big enough where--pretzels are a very dry food and they can cause issue. In your mouth. … That was a split second decision that I should’ve did the opposite of what I did which I should’ve just spit it out but I didn’t-I didn’t think I-I’d just be in and out, uh, on the air, I didn’t know I was going to cause a whole thing.”
SCOTT QUIT THE BLOCK PARTY
Ronnie reported that Scott the Engineer had finally severed his relationship with the Block Party live appearances: “As far as I know, he quit yesterday. For real.” Shuli came in as witness, saying Scott took issue with how he handled the group’s expenses: “I wish I didn’t have to do it, but unfortunately I do.” Howard was confused why Shuli wouldn’t just open the books and settle the argument: “Show it to him and be done with it.” Shuli refused--a position that only furthered Scott’s suspicions: “What are you hiding?”
THE AGT RATINGS ARE IN
Howard held up the ratings for ‘AGT’s’ premiere on Monday: “We didn’t beat [the season finale of] ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ We were 2nd place. … [but] we came in number one with 18 to 49-year-olds.” Howard resolved to do better: “We’re going up against their finale. And like I said to you, what I predict will happen is: the show will grow every week. We had over 10 million viewers [on Monday]. We’ll be the number one show by the summer, just like always. … It will be the number 1 show.”
ROBIN GOT SOME BAD NEWS
Robin said she visited the doctor yesterday and got some bad news: “He lowered the boom. He took me out.” While the grapefruit-sized growth isn’t life-threatening, its removal might be life-changing: “He went along this line of what they have to do in order to remove this [and] some the outcomes are not that good.”
ANDY RICHTER IS STILL ON TV
Andy Richter stopped by to promote ‘Conan’ and catch up with the crew about what he's been up to since Conan lost ‘The Tonight Show.’ Howard joked that Andy was here to announce that he’s still on TV, a gag that Andy, in typical form, ran with: “I’m still on TV, mom!” Asked if TBS really spent $1 million to come up with the name of ‘Conan,’ Andy laughed: “That has to be bullshit. No, no, no.”
A SIDEKICK IN WARTIME
Howard referenced Bill Carter’s book about Conan’s struggle with Jay, ‘The War for Late Night,’ a book Andy said was surprisingly accurate--Bill (somehow) even knew about the time NBC forced Andy to call Jay to apologize for saying Jay wasn’t “classy.” Andy said the comment was in response to Jay publicly floating a return to ‘The Tonight Show’--before anyone else had--and vividly remembered how guilty Jay sounded: “Right off the bat, he’s explaining himself to me.”Andy said he still harbored a little resentment toward Jay--and the network: “He got 2 whole years before he was beating Letterman. We got 7 months and already we were failures.” Further, NBC never stepped in to prevent a booking war. Jay got all the big guests: “We were still the little brother. We were still going to get hand-me-downs … [and] he wears the same damn clothes every day.”LENO’S STILL IN THE CLOSET
Howard thought it was par for the course, noting that Jay (admittedly) hid in NBC closets to undermine Letterman’s efforts to usurp Carson, an incident Andy said was emblematic of Jay’s “spectacular” neuroses: “[He’s] a desperate, desperate person.” Andy says Conan’s deal with TBS is definitively Jay-proof: “He owns the show. He owns the Web presence, he owns the name, he owns his likeness.”THE WORLD’S STRONGEST NAKED WOMAN PAGEANT
Howard welcomed porn star Nikki Benz to the studio, announcing that she was the first contestant in the World’s Strongest Naked Woman pageant. Informed that the first round required her to hold 8lb dumbbells at shoulder height--while riding the Sybian--Nikki had high hopes: “It would mean a lot. I’m going to do it for myself. To prove that I am strong enough for the whole Sybian thing.”
But before stripping down, Nikki said she had big plans for the summer: a fun, off-camera European sex tour. She hopes to bang a new guy in each country she visits: “I just want to experience different lovers in different countries.” Robin thought that sounded fun: “What travel agency?” Gary then fired up the Sybian and Nikki sat down, moaning: “I’m trying not to--oh freak, that feels good! I’m about to come and hold these things at the same time!” She dropped the weights after 30 seconds: “That felt so good, I don’t care!”HEATHER VANDEVEN, WSNW CONTESTANT #2
The 2nd contestant, Penthouse Pet Heather Vandeven, said she’d recently settled down: “That’s a good thing for me. It’s consistent sex. … I found a guy who’s very freaky. So he always challenges me [with] something different.” For example, the couple recently met a bulldog named Beans, a relatively banal event until later, when Heather’s dude banged her while pretending to be--and barking like--“Beans.” Heather lasted only 25 seconds on the Sybian dumbbell test.
CONTESTANT #3 - JUSTINE JOLI
The third contestant, porn star Justine Joli, didn’t think her yoga training would count for much: “I’m more flexible than I am strong.” Justine said her husband allowed her both a boyfriend and a girlfriend--and often bangs her 5 times a day: “My p***y’s broken at that point. I mean, seriously. He’s got a big d**k.” Justine lasted a whopping 32 seconds: “This is not nice! This is so not nice! Oh dear god in heaven!”
ROUND 2: SAL’S COWBALLS
With Heather eliminated, Howard began the pageant’s second round: the two finalists just have to do as many sit-ups as they can in 30 seconds. But there’s a catch: for a sit-up to count, they have to ring a cowbell hanging from Sal’s balls with a metal headband. Sal, clearly in his element, said he’d had beef and broccoli for dinner last night and had “absolutely not” showered since.
HERE SHE IS, THE WORLD’S STRONGEST NAKED WOMAN 2012
Nikki rang out 11 sit-ups, gagging that she was “scarred for her life,” while Justine managed only 10, scrambling away at the last moment: “It was moving!” (Sal nodded: “It winked at you.”) Howard then crowned Nikki as the World’s Strongest Naked Woman 2012.
Howard said he was a fan of Avon BarksdaleNikki Benz said she played a stripper in the new Michael Bay film.Justine Joli said she was currently starring in an interactive theater production called ‘Sleep No More’: “The only thing I can tell you is that you’re going to be wearing a mask and you’re going to enjoy the show.”Eric the Actor called in with a few boring questions.Ronnie said he owned thousands of VHS tapes, but not a DVR. -
15 May ' 18:07
Tuesday, May 15, 2012 TENACIOUS D ARE BACK The Howard Stern Show for May 15, 2012
ROBIN SHOWS HUGE GROWTH
Early in the show, Howard asked why Robin was unavailable yesterday, so Robin confessed: “You must have called the phone that was left in Pittsburgh. I was busy all day with testing.” Robin said the 13 centimeter growth was impeding her bladder, and regardless of today’s test results--will be removed: “You don’t wear the pee bag long. The whole idea is to get this resolved quickly.”
Doug Goodstein came in with a ruler to explain what 13 centimeters meant, holding his fingers apart to illustrate the mass’ circumference: “That’s like 5 inches-plus.” Howard moaned (“That’s bigger than my penis!”) that Robin’s medical emergency had soured his anticipation for the ‘AGT’ premiere: “I was actually annoyed with you yesterday for dampening my big day.BUBBA THE LOVE SPONGE
In the show’s second hour, Howard simulcast with Bubba the Love Sponge via ISDN--and denied that he’d celebrated the ‘AGT’ premiere by having sex with Beth: “I didn’t break off any booty. I was pretty tired.” Howard said last night’s show was just the first step, yet still a giant leap for shock jock-kind: “When Bubba gets on television, you’ll know all hell has broken loose. … Bubba’s up to such nonsense, he can’t even speak about it legally.”
Bubba, fresh off a very messy divorce, saw where things were going (“Here comes the standard Howard reversal. It’s all going to be about me.”) and balked at any questions about his ex-wife’s (allegedly co-starring) role in the alleged Hulk Hogan sex tape: “I’m not forbidden from talking about it. I’m just not talking about it. … I’ll talk with you privately about it. It’s not what it seems.”MORE FROM BUBBA LAND
Pressed for more news from the land of Howard101’s former afternoon show, Bubba’s producer, Brent, said his own marriage was on the rocks: “It’s tough. [I’m] living at my friend’s house. Yeah. And I’m taking relationship advice from Bubba.” As Robin expressed surprise (“They were swingers, right? They partied!”), Brent just sighed: “That didn’t work out so well.” Howard laughed: “Brent, you ought to put out a cookbook: ‘How to Cook on a Hotplate in My Friend’s Basement for Under a Dollar a Day.’”
TENACIOUS D ARE ROCKING AGAIN
Jack Black stopped by with Kyle Gass to promote the new Tenacious D album, ‘Rize of the Fenix,’ and immediately had to answer for his expanding waistline: “I am very fat right now. I really am trying. I’m just very hungry.” Absent was the D’s new (unofficial) member: Dave Grohl: “He’s the best drummer alive. He’s on every track. … How do we pay him? We take care of him, but it’s mostly charity work for him.”HOW FAILURE FEEDS THE D
After telling a story about joining his hero, “Don’t Worry Be Happy” singer Bobby McFerrin, on stage and shaming himself (“I started doing the chest slap and it was unauthorized.”), Jack said the failure of the Tenacious D movie was no different: “Being a comedian, those embarrassing moments are what makes you stronger, [but] I felt pretty confident that it was going to be a hit. I was shocked. I was stumped. I felt like America had dumped me.”Kyle said it was hard on him as well, as he doesn’t have a film career like Jack’s: “I started to resent the whole thing. … I started a lot of side projects to try to [diversify] but then I realized Jack was my meal ticket.” Jack said they’d taken inspiration from other musical comedy acts like Lonely Island and Flight of the Conchords: “We had to take it up a notch. The only way we could compete with them was to take it more seriously.”JD’S GUEST “CAME IN TOWN”
Late in the show, Howard played a clip from yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show of JD’s typically eloquent speech--JD was dismayed that Jimmy Kimmel bought gifts off Eric the Midget’s Amazon wish list: “Becuh--he’s-he’s-he’s helping Eric do--i-i-it’s just not--I just don’t like it.” Asked to elaborate, JD came in with a pretzel in his mouth, one he seemed unable to talk around--or swallow. JD was eventually able to say he’d been in contact with one of his Block Party hook-ups: “She came in town.”
ERIC'S 1,400 ITEM WISHLIST
Gary came in with a long print-out to highlight some of the more bizarre items on Eric’s 1,400-item list, including:
A. 100 cases each of Lifesavers, Mike & Ike bubble gum, and Bubblicious (grape) gum.B. At least one (discontinued) variety of Chex Mix.C. An American Express gift card for the (seemingly arbitrary) amount of $2,000.D. A separate, and for some reason unconsolidated, American Express gift card for amount of $3,000.Contributions by: Michael Dempster & Photos by Jason Kaplan
Howard promised the AGT acts would improve: “The acts were so bad at first, I said, ‘Uh-oh, I better let through some people.’”Jack Black told Howard that Neil Young always performs at the annual Bridge School Benefit ConcertJack said this video wasn’t meant to be public.Jack described meeting Bernard Tiede in preparation for Gus Van Sant’s “Bernie.”Bubba the Love Sponge said his long-time protégé had recently moved on: “Spice left. He’s got his own show now.” -
14 May ' 23:12
Monday, May 14, 2012 EVERCLEAR & SUGAR RAY ARE COMING The Howard Stern Show for May 14, 2012
JIMMY KIMMEL ON THE COUCH
At the start of the show, Jimmy Kimmel was sitting in the studio, as he’s in town to host ABC’s Up-Fronts. Jimmy remarked that Howard’s first hour (“the warm-up”) was always his favorite anyway: “Howard comes on and complains about people complaining about him talking about ‘America’s Got Talent’ and says, ‘I’m not talking about this show today. F’ all of you.’ And 10 minutes later, you’re talking about it.”SIMON COWELL BACKS HOWARD
At the mention of ‘AGT,’ Howard said he was looking forward to tonight’s premiere, since he’s still yet to see any footage. But he has spoken with someone who has: Simon Cowell. “He’s seen the show. He’s seen the whole thing. Yeah. He thinks I’m spectacular so I was relieved, because he knows that kind of television. He’s the master.” Howard said Simon had called to say as much last weekend: “He was carrying on for like 45 minutes about it.”
THE MILLION DOLLAR BJ
Jimmy said he was fascinated by Ronnie and Richard’s million dollar indecent proposal, as it presented a dilemma to its participants--particularly Ronnie: “On one hand, you want it to be over quickly. On the other, you don’t want anyone to think you were excited by it.” Jimmy also wondered why Ronnie had insisted on wearing a rubber.During their discussion, Gary came in to report two things: 1. Ashley Madison has already announced that they’re “down” to pony up the cash. And 2. Richard agreed, on last Wednesday’s Wrap-Up Show, to take a load to the face (as proof of a job done): “If that’s one of the little demands for me to get the money, I’ll deal with it.” Richard came in to explain: “I’d rather check the condom, to be honest, but I want it to be a funny bit. And I think it’s just funnier.”ROBIN’S CATHETER
After Jimmy left, Robin had some news: “I’m wearing a catheter. So when you see me, I’m peeing. It just constantly goes. And I’m wearing a leg bag.” Howard tried to keep things light (“Boy, we are getting old.”) but seemed genuinely concerned. Robin said she’d woken over the weekend unable to relieve her bladder: “I woke up at 4 o’clock in the morning and nothing happened. And especially when you’re getting the urge [and] nothing happens, it’s just like a nightmare.”
But Robin was in good spirits, reporting freely on her new appendage: “You can’t feel a thing because the catheter goes right into your bladder. It just comes out.” Howard pressed for more details, so Robin said a CT scan had revealed a growth of some kind: “Something is, yeah, there. … It’s something that, hopefully, can be cut out.” Howard hoped for the best: “I’ll kill you if you have cancer. ... I’m quitting if you’re not doing the show. I don’t want to do it without you...unless they double my salary.MOVE ASIDE, ‘DANCING WITH THE STARS’
Asked what AGT’s competition was on ABC this evening, Jimmy laughed at the current, never-ending season of ‘Dancing with the Stars’: “They ran out of stars, which is the problem. We are fresh out of stars.” Howard thought ‘DWTS’ might benefit from mid-season inertia, so Jimmy promised to make some adjustments: “I’ll get Bob Iger on the phone. I’m sure we can clear the schedule out for you.”
MAKING PEACE WITH KATHIE LEE, OPRAH
Howard said he’d run into an old adversary while promoting ‘AGT’ on ‘The Today Show’--and buried the hatchet: “I had a whole conversation with Kathie Lee.” Robin was shocked (“That’s like Israel and Palestine getting together!”), so Howard explained that she wasn’t a Leno or an Imus: “[They] did something to me. Kathie Lee never did anything to me. … The people who actually did something to me in my career, those are the ones I hate.”Jimmy said he’d also made up with Oprah, an adversary from his ‘Man Show’ days: “I think it was a contributing factor to [my] divorce. I would come home from work and she would start yelling at me based on something she saw on ‘Oprah.’ And I thought, ‘Who is this woman and why is she interfering in my life?’” Oprah’s recent visit to Jimmy’s show was actually a boon for his staff: “She gave a speech to our staff and was very inspiring.”WILL JIMMY MARRY MOLLY?
Howard asked why Jimmy can’t get his girlfriend, Molly, to marry him, so Jimmy laughed: “It’s not that she won’t. It’s just that the timing on these things has to be right.” Jimmy said they also face other obstacles, like that she wants kids: “What man in his 40s wouldn’t want more kids?” And a shared work environment: “I’m barely allowed to glance at her in the office. But it’s great. Because she’s very nervous about it and I feast on that nervousness.”THE EMBARRASSED VOYEUR
Jimmy laughed that viewers were likely to get more than they bargained for: “This is one of those things where you sign up for the pay-per-view, and you’re like, ‘Oh, this is gonna be great,’ and as soon as it starts, you’re like, ‘What the f’ am I watching?’”ERIC THE MIDGET’S WISH LIST
Before leaving (to co-host ‘Live! with Kelly Ripa’), Jimmy said he’d recently bought Eric the Midget a bag of chips off his Amazon wish list (“It cost 3 times as much to ship them.”), as well as two different donut makers. Jimmy laughed that he’d chosen at random, since the list is 100 pages long and made up almost entirely of widely-available products, like ‘Walker Texas Ranger’ on DVD.Eric called in to defend his love for Walker: “That’s one of the many shows I enjoyed watching when it was on TV.” Point conceded, Jimmy went over some of the list’s other bizarre choices, like an Oakland A’s sippy cup--and a train set: “Is it a hobby? Or is it for transportation?”ART ALEXAKIS & MARK McGRATH STOP BY
Everclear frontman Art Alexakis and Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath stopped by to promote their Summerland Tour, a 5-band experience of “the most iconic multi-platinum acts from the 90s”: The Gin Blossoms, Lit, Marcy Playground, Sugar Ray, and Everclear. Asked who the headliner was, Art fessed up: “We’re the last band. Everclear is the last band on the show. But I have to say, the headliners are the songs.” Mark laughed: “He’s being diplomatic.”Art said he hadn’t always been so diplomatic, citing the many band members he’s fired over the years: “I just have a zero tolerance for drugs.” (Mark laughed: “Thank god I’m not in your band.”) The tour will help fund all he’s lost to the IRS and marriages: “I didn’t piss away anything. I gave it to my ex-wives.” Art then performed brief takes on his biggest and best songs: “Santa Monica,” “Father of Mine,” and “Heroin Girl.” Mark, in turn, performed “Fly”--and a hilarious cover of “Jacking Off to Yo Facebook Pics.”SIMULCASTING WITH RYAN SEACREST
Late in the show, Howard hooked up with Ryan Seacrest via ISDN to simulcast a planned ‘AGT’ interview. Ryan said he’d been hearing that Howard was a “sweet and gracious” judge, which surprised him, so Howard explained that his mission was to take it seriously--just like ‘American Idol’ does: “I feel you guys brought in, on ‘American Idol,’ Jimmy Iovine because you needed somebody to be more critical.”Ryan saw where Howard was going--and answered diplomatically: “I think a key to a great panel is balance.” Asked if he’d brought any contestants to tears, Howard fessed up: “I had to be honest. He wasn’t a very good rapper. … You can’t always be so polite.”IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN’S NEWS
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11 May ' 11:52
Friday, May 11, 2012 The Best of the Week May 7 - 11 The Howard Stern Show for May 11, 2012
RONNIE & RICHARD’S INDECENT PROPOSAL
BLOCK PARTY BLOWUP
WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME
Late in the show, Shuli told Howard that Scott the Engineer had performed a surprise comedy set at one of this weekend’s Block Party dates--and bombed, inciting a Thunderdome-like fan frenzy: “They want blood!” Even worse, Scott contacted promoters and asked for a breakdown of expenses approved by Shuli, a ballsy move for a bit-player: “His job is to push one button. One button! To start the f***ing music.”
THE BLACK CLOUD: FINALLY FIRED
Robin thought Shuli was naive to think things might go well (“You haven’t worked with a star like Scott the Engineer.”), but Howard thought Scott was foolish--if fired, he’d sacrifice $2,500/weekend of added income: “Sit quietly and enjoy your success.” Shuli said it was too late, telling Scott: “I don’t need the headache. You’re fired. You’re done. … You’re welcome, Toronto! He’s not coming.”
Ronnie, the Block Party’s biggest draw and namesake, said he liked having Scott as his on-stage foil: “He’s welcome to stay.” But after hearing a few backstage clips, Shuli was adamant--Scott is fired: “This is who he is and he’s not going to change. … Eventually it will lead back to this point.” Robin sided with Shuli, laughing at Scott’s claim to fair compensation: “He wants it to be fair? If it was fair, he would be in the audience.”SACHA BARON COHEN
SACHA BARON COHEN IS (NOT) THE DICTATOR
Howard welcomed Sacha Baron Cohen to the studio--and thanked him for appearing out of his on-screen character: “I’m glad you’re here as Sacha and not ‘The Dictator.’” Asked how he felt about the movie’s chances at success, Sacha laughed: “Ask me in a week and a half. … So far I’ve never lost money. So I’ve been able to carry on making my stuff. [But] worse comes to worse, I lose money--then I make cheaper films--but you’ll always find an idiot to, you know, finance your film.”
‘BRUNO’ CREATED IN UNDERPANTS
In reference to his past successes, Sacha thanked his ‘Bruno’ collaborators, citing Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg as two he couldn’t separate--even when he could only afford room for one of them: “So these guys came on the road and shared a bed. They’d be writing, in their underpants, at four o’clock in the afternoon. In bed.
‘THE DICTATOR’ SPILLED ON SEACREST
Howard asked about Sacha-as-‘The Dictator’ pouring (what he claimed were) Kim Jong-Il’s ashes on Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars red carpet. Sacha laughed that his target may have been intentional: “It’s maybe slightly symbolic. … [but] I sent him a new jacket.” He’s had far scarier confrontations--like the time he posed as a short-shorts-wearing gay Hasidim in Israel: “That was the closest I’ve gotten to being killed.”
JEAN CLAUDE VANDAMME
RONNIE THE ENTERTAINER
NATALIE MAINES’ APOLOGY LETTER
Howard read an apology Natalie Maines sent him about her critical tweets: “Hey now! How did I get lumped in with Judd Apatow? I’m so happy and excited for you with “AGT.” I’m with Robin. America’s about to fall in love with Howard Stern and it’s awesome. Now I did whine about the 2-day weeks. But c’mon! It’s only because I adore you. You make laundry and gardening and cooking and cleaning and running mundane errands the best part of my day because I get to laugh through it.”
Natalie continued: “Without your entertainment, that list of chores is as boring as it looks. And so I whine. Please take it as the compliment it’s meant to be and know that, as your friend, I say: take off as much time as you want--whatever makes you happy. As a stay-at-home mom, I beg you talk 5 hours a day, 5 days a week and never retire. With all that said, I’ll gladly take my lumps over the radio. I have it coming for blabbing one opinion or another, I’m sure...”
THE VILLAGE IDIOT IS BACKSTAGE
Shortly before the first break, Howard made good on a reference he’d made yesterday--an “AGT” backstage incident involving Ronnie and a fistfight. Howard said he, Beth and several others were hanging in his dressing room and heard banging (“I can’t even tell you how loud.”) on his door and security shouting “Down! Get down!” After a brief panic, it turned out to be another of Rickyman’s bits: “Ronnie decided to do this fake attack with this guy.”
But the rest of “AGT’s” security team wasn’t in on the joke: “They don’t know what’s going down...[and] they spring into action and they pounce.” Ronnie came in to claim it wasn’t his idea--but admitted guilt: “We were joking around. I said yes.” Howard called Ronnie “the village idiot”, explaining: “Yes is the wrong answer. You say no. There is no nonsense at Howard’s door.”
HOWARD IS HONEST WITH HIS ‘AGT’ CO-JUDGES
Howard said he’d also had a confrontation with his “AGT” co-judges while debating one of the contestants: “At one point, I said to Howie and Sharon, ‘Look. I’m a way bigger star than you guys. Look at my career and look at you two. … I think I know more.’” The pair was unimpressed: “You know what’s great about them? They looked at me and started laughing.”
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09 May ' 17:26
Wednesday, May 9, 2012 MACY GRAY’S “CREEP” The Howard Stern Show for May 9, 2012
ROBIN ON THE C-WORD
Early in the show, Robin said she wasn’t offended by the c-word: “I don’t really relate to that word. It’s almost like you’re calling me [a name in] some foreign language. I really don’t see why it’s so bad. I don’t know why it’s worse than calling you some other name that’s supposed to represent your private parts.” Howard agreed: “The only thing that you would hate about it is that it’s being derogatory in any way. [But] yeah, I’m with you. I don’t either.”
HOWARD MISSED GIADA’S BUST
After learning he’d be on Jimmy Fallon the same night as Food Network personality Giada De Laurentiis, Howard looked her up and praised her busty look. Beth later told Gary that Giada actually visited their home recently--and met Howard--which was news to him: “That girl with the tits was at my house? I must be getting old. I wouldn’t have missed those titties. … [But] that’s the way it’s been my whole life. Don’t think I got affected because I got famous.”JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME IS GLOBAL
Jean-Claude Van Damme called in from Brussels to promote his role in Sylvester Stalone’s “The Expendables 2,” noting that he only lived in Belgium part-time, as it can’t promise the conveniences of Southeast Asia: “I live in Hong Kong right now and I have a place here where I have land. … Hong Kong has that 24-7 type of life [in] which you can go at 3 in the morning to massage, for example.”
Unsure if he meant “to [get a] massage” or “to massage [others]”, Howard referenced Jean-Claude’s past as a masseur: “I imagine a gay dude would come in and see Jean-Claude and say, ‘Hey look, man, you know, rub my glutes and stick your finger up my ass’ or something.” Jean-Claude denied that it ever happened with a man (“You’re a funny guy!”) but wasn’t so sure it hadn’t happened with some of his female customers: “If it happened I don’t really remember, to be honest with you.”THE DRUG-FUELED, FIGHTING YEARS
Asked about his drug-fueled, raging past, Jean-Claude said he’d been addicted to coke: “I did touch the drugs and things like that and no good. Boo-boo.” But his infamous feud with Steven Seagal stemmed from a public slight: “It all started on the Jay Leno show, years ago, when Jay said, ‘Do you know Van Damme?’ And [Steven] said, ‘He doesn’t know martial arts.’”
Jean claimed he was drunk when he fought Chuck Zito at Scores (“I didn’t remember who my grandmother was at the time.”) but scoffed when Howard said Chuck had knocked him out: “Knocked me out? Ok, well, you know, they have UFC cage. We can always see that in the cage. … If they can organize a fight you know. Water against water. Not water against alcohol.” Before hanging up, Jean-Claude said they’d fight as friends: “He’s a nice guy. Say hello for me.”MACY GRAY
Macy Gray stopped by to promote her new album, “Covered,” and perform a song from the record. As Howard expressed surprise that Macy, a distinctly different singer, grew up in relatively banal Ohio and attended a white boarding school, Macy cut in: “I think all boarding schools are white, though.”
Macy said the sudden and massive success of “I Try” quickly turned to excess: “We don’t have to be specific about it but, you know. … I was just partying.” She also revealed that she had spent a little time in jail prior to her success with “I Try”: “One was a petty theft and then I had a failure to appear. I had 7 traffic tickets and the judge finally sent me away. … like 4 days the first time, 3 days the next.”MACY’S CELEBRITY HOOK-UP
Asked about her romantic life, Macy said she went both ways: “It depends on the occasion. On the person. Yeah.” Her last female hook-up was a “sorta” famous actress: “It’s probably not good [if] I say who it is. … She does movies mostly but I think she’s done a couple TVs.” Macy then sang--accompanied by a musician banging on a box--a cover of Radiohead’s “Creep.”
RICHARD TO BLOW RONNIE FOR A MILLION...EACH
Late in the show, Howard noted that Ronnie and Richard had agreed to engage in oral sex for $1 million each (after taxes). Howard began planning a TV special for the stunt, so Ronnie rushed in: “I never said a TV special!” Howard scoffed: “Where are you getting the million? What are you--doing it in private?” Richard came in to agree: “It’s going to be the greatest bit of all time! It’s got to be on TV.”
Asked if he’d be able to finish, Ronnie shrugged: “I don’t know. It’s not my problem. I’ll just lay there and relax.” Told that he’d have to climax, Richard moaned: “I’m not going to blow him for two hours.” Gary didn’t think it mattered--Ronnie getting a boner would say it all: “Isn’t that gayer?” Richard then practiced on a banana: “Mmm Ronnie, how’s that feel?” As Richard gagged, Ronnie ran out: “He’s throwing up on the floor!”Howard laughed that the Ugly Meter app is now outselling Angry Birds.The crew discussed Pepsi’s new deal with the Jackson family.Macy Gray said her new album was inspired by Nina Simone’s cover of “My Way.”Howard forgot that Giada De Laurentiis had dinner at his house recently. -
08 May ' 13:31
Tuesday, May 8, 2012 SACHA TAKES A DICTATOR BREAK The Howard Stern Show for May 8, 2012
HOWARD MEETS SEAL
Early in the show, Howard said Beth was on “Ellen” yesterday and told a story about taking a picture of a seal on the beach: “I was alone with this seal and he had just gone back into the water and when I returned--when I came back with my camera, he turned around and came out of the water and sat there and stared at me and, like, posed and at one point started waving to me. And I snapped away pictures of him. And then I started to walk away, you know, and went back home.”Howard was moved: “I said, ‘Hm. I wonder if that seal is still there.’ I walk all the way back to see the seal and I sat down with him, and I said, ‘I want to thank you, for...’ Yeah. I did. I don’t have any friends. So I said to the seal, ‘I really want to thank you for, you know, coming back out the water and posing for me. You’re very sweet to do that.’” … And then, as I walked away, I saw him go back into the ocean.”NATALIE MAINES’ APOLOGY LETTER
Howard read an apology Natalie Maines sent him about her critical tweets: “Hey now! How did I get lumped in with Judd Apatow? I’m so happy and excited for you with “AGT.” I’m with Robin. America’s about to fall in love with Howard Stern and it’s awesome. Now I did whine about the 2-day weeks. But c’mon! It’s only because I adore you. You make laundry and gardening and cooking and cleaning and running mundane errands the best part of my day because I get to laugh through it.”Natalie continued: “Without your entertainment, that list of chores is as boring as it looks. And so I whine. Please take it as the compliment it’s meant to be and know that, as your friend, I say: take off as much time as you want--whatever makes you happy. As a stay-at-home mom, I beg you talk 5 hours a day, 5 days a week and never retire. With all that said, I’ll gladly take my lumps over the radio. I have it coming for blabbing one opinion or another, I’m sure...”THE VILLAGE IDIOT IS BACKSTAGE
Shortly before the first break, Howard made good on a reference he’d made yesterday--an “AGT” backstage incident involving Ronnie and a fistfight. Howard said he, Beth and several others were hanging in his dressing room and heard banging (“I can’t even tell you how loud.”) on his door and security shouting “Down! Get down!” After a brief panic, it turned out to be another of Rickyman’s bits: “Ronnie decided to do this fake attack with this guy.”But the rest of “AGT’s” security team wasn’t in on the joke: “They don’t know what’s going down...[and] they spring into action and they pounce.” Ronnie came in to claim it wasn’t his idea--but admitted guilt: “We were joking around. I said yes.” Howard called Ronnie “the village idiot”, explaining: “Yes is the wrong answer. You say no. There is no nonsense at Howard’s door.”HOWARD IS HONEST WITH HIS ‘AGT’ CO-JUDGES
Howard said he’d also had a confrontation with his “AGT” co-judges while debating one of the contestants: “At one point, I said to Howie and Sharon, ‘Look. I’m a way bigger star than you guys. Look at my career and look at you two. … I think I know more.’” The pair was unimpressed: “You know what’s great about them? They looked at me and started laughing.”SACHA BARON COHEN IS (NOT) THE DICTATOR
Howard welcomed Sacha Baron Cohen to the studio--and thanked him for appearing out of his on-screen character: “I’m glad you’re here as Sacha and not ‘The Dictator.’” Asked how he felt about the movie’s chances at success, Sacha laughed: “Ask me in a week and a half. … So far I’ve never lost money. So I’ve been able to carry on making my stuff. [But] worse comes to worse, I lose money--then I make cheaper films--but you’ll always find an idiot to, you know, finance your film.”‘BRUNO’ CREATED IN UNDERPANTS
In reference to his past successes, Sacha thanked his ‘Bruno’ collaborators, citing Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg as two he couldn’t separate--even when he could only afford room for one of them: “So these guys came on the road and shared a bed. They’d be writing, in their underpants, at four o’clock in the afternoon. In bed.
‘THE DICTATOR’ SPILLED ON SEACREST
Howard asked about Sacha-as-‘The Dictator’ pouring (what he claimed were) Kim Jong-Il’s ashes on Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars red carpet. Sacha laughed that his target may have been intentional: “It’s maybe slightly symbolic. … [but] I sent him a new jacket.” He’s had far scarier confrontations--like the time he posed as a short-shorts-wearing gay Hasidim in Israel: “That was the closest I’ve gotten to being killed.”ANDY COHEN IS A PUREBLOOD
Late in the show, Bravo TV executive Andy Cohen, best known as host of the network’s ‘Watch What Happens Live,’ stopped by to promote his new book, “Most Talkative.” Howard demanded to know how Andy made the jump from exec to host: “What credentials did you have?” Andy laughed that every TV exec wanted to make the same move: “That’s why this is so crazy. This does not ever happen.”
Asked about his childhood, Andy said he always knew he was gay. It was never horrible--until he did mushrooms at an Eddie Murphy concert. Eddie’s “faggot”-laced act was hard on the closeted (and hallucinating) teen: “That was the worst trip.” He was closeted until college, once even performing oral sex on a woman--he didn’t let her return the favor: “I’m a pureblood.”HOW TO GIVE YOURSELF A TV SHOW
Andy said ‘Watch What Happens Live’ grew organically as an online Webshow and format for the network’s reality cast reunions--despite his “wandering eye”--until joining the network’s regular on-air schedule. He’s since left his programming position to focus on hosting his own show and producing a few others: “I’m [still] in charge of Development and Talent. … I’m still an EP on all the ‘Housewives.’ I’m still an EP on ‘Top Chef.’”ANDY LOVES A TIPSY SWIRL
Andy said the cocktails he serves on-air make for good ratings but horrible hangovers: “I have to drink a fake drink on my show every so often...I always drank a lot, to tell you the truth.” Andy, an avowed top, went on to say he was interested in all types of bottoms--from a “JewFK Jr.” to an Aryan: “Also I’m down with swirl. I love a black guy.” But he’d pass over Obama to bang Romney--hard: “Maybe you hate-f’ him?”Howard listened to clips from the ‘Not the Three Stooges’ porn parodyAndy Cohen formulated a way to save OWN: “Put on re-runs of the freaking Oprah Winfrey Show! They are sitting on 25-years of archives.”Andy Cohen defended the St. Louis Arch.Sacha Baron Cohen said he auditioned for the role of Abbie Hoffman in Steven Spielberg’s Chicago 7 movie by committing his ‘Abbie’ accent on tape.Sacha said Borat’s ‘Throw the Jew Down the Well’ song also didn’t go over well with his faith’s Orthodox community--even his parents: “My dad had to go to synagogue and explain himself.
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