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22 May ' 20:52
Network before Christmas: Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown. I was stuck at the office. The network was down. The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed. Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed. Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun, Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run On 84 desktops way down in accounting. I sat stunned at my desk. my blood pressure mounting.When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I saw that a server had something the matter. There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive. "No problem, " I thought. "I'm set up with RAID 5. " But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable! "No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank. And then I discovered my backups were blank.
The UPS burped, and its lights all went out. I started to scream! I started to shout! But nobody heard as I vented my rage. My gurus were all on vacation those days. And nobody's tech support answered the phone. I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone. When out at reception, I heard a soft knock. As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock...
"What's your problem?" he asked. "Never mind, friend, I know. I checked out your network five hours ago. I did some proactive analysis, so I knew that this time bomb was going to blow. Who was this guy? Who did he think that he was? He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius. His smile cut down personal distance between us. He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work. "Whoever configured this network's a jerk,' He said with a :-)> as he quickly rebooted, Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide That went via wireless, I think, LEO, To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.
"Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!' He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed. "Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic! Technology often looks just like some magic To people who don't understand what we do. Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue! Look at the protocols, check one or two, Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!"
My data was back! Every system checked out! Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about. "How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!" He said, 'Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick, If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing, And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING.' And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing, "Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!-
-by Timothy Haight
http://www.joketribe.com/Christmas/96/December/NetworkBeforeChristmas.html
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22 May ' 13:57
Proxy Fathers: The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father -- a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to.....
Ms Smith: (Interrupting) "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, specially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms. Smith?...Ms. Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
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22 May ' 06:32
101 Things NOT to Say During Sex:1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?Things Never To Say To A Woman After You've Just Made Love
1. What do I do now -- I've never "used" anyone before!
2. The night's still young! Let's pick up some guys!
3. Let's cuddle like Robert Chambers.
4. And now...violence.
5. Stick with me, home girl -- you ain't fucked till you've fucked in a crack
lab.
6. Be careful when you slip on your shoes -- I can't find the condom.
7. Look at the bright side. It's important to learn from our mistakes.
8. Do you have any sisters like you?
9. Mind if I masturbate? We might salvage this yet.
10. I shouldn't have bought condoms at Toys "R" Us.
11. I can save you up to 40 percent on your insurance needs.
12. Hey, hey! The tattoo parlor's open till three o'clock!
13. I have a headache -- have you checked your vagina for radon?
14. It's been great to be here in [name of city]. You've been a wonderful
audience.
15. The horror...the horror...
16. That reminds me -- it's my turn to get the bait.
17. The bad news: I tested positive. The good news: I've got a smashing
design for my segment of the AIDS quilt!
18. "Uhnnnnnngh," or "Uhhhnnnnnggggghhhh"? The editors of Penthouse are
sticklers for detail.
19. Guess I'm not monogamous after all!http://www.joketribe.com/bawdy/96/April/ThingsNotToSayDuringSex.html
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21 May ' 23:45
Wifespeak : English Translation Guide:WIFESPEAK ENGLISH EQUIVALENT You want You Want We Need I Want It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now Do What You Want You'll pay for this later We need to talk I need to complain Sure...Go ahead I don't want you to I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron You're so... Manly You need to shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight Is sex all you think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!! I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights I have flabby thighs The kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house I want new curtains and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... I need wedding shoes the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white. Hang the picture there No! Hang it there I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me Are you listening to me? [Too late, you're dead.] Yes No No No Maybe No I'm sorry You'll be sorry Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it Was that the baby? Why don't you get out of bed and walk her until she goes to sleep? I'M NOT YELLING! Yes I'm yelling because I think this is important
THE ANSWER TO "WHATS WRONG?" The same old thing Nothing Nothing Everything Everything I have PMS Nothing, really Its just that you're such an asshole I don't want to talk about it Go away, I'm building up steam
http://www.joketribe.com/bawdy/96/January/WomenDecodingGuide.html
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21 May ' 16:59
Signs You're Going to Have a Bad Day: You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .- your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- you wake up face down on the pavement.
- you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
- you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
- you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
- your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
- you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
- you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
- the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
- you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
- your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
- you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny
- your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
- you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
- your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test
- you wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers
- someone accuses you of faking humor
- your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me."
- you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
- you need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!
- your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
- your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
- you wake up and your braces are locked together.
- you call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
- your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
- your income tax return check bounces.
- you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- your pet rock snaps at you.
- your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
- your twin sister forgets your birthday.
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21 May ' 09:32
Sysadmins' View of the World:Recently someone called me from one of the "Out on the Floor Offices", an ethereal place rumored to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious beings called Users.
She was quite frantic. She was having trouble running a program through the computer, and her message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived: "MY FILES ARE FULL!"
I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to her, "Really now, Miss Russell, I don't have time for this." I slowly exhaled the menthol vapors as I stopped her process, crushing any hopes she may have had of ever again seeing that document she had spent three hours slaving over.
"I was typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready in an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type... it says something about an error, should I read it to you?"
"No point. Just press return."
"Oh my, it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left off?"
"Not a chance." I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside. It occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining complaint sessions, heads were going to roll. Where do you people GET this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on here. Now LISTEN UP. I'm not going over this a second time:
- Computer
- The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to know.
- Response Time
- Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time.
- Hardware
- See "Computer." Again, not your concern.
- Software
- If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us alone.
- Network
- Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all. What do you think we do all day? By the way , Russell... shame about your mother's Pancreas.
- Data
- The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any, delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the computer. (See "Response Time")
- System Crash
- Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes.
- Downtime
- Like I said, don't ask
- Uptime
- Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face
- Overtime
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Vacation
- A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't try calling. There's no point.
- Computer Room
- Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door -- don't even think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off the windows.
- My Office
- The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.
- Your Problems
- The name says it all...
- Deadlines
- The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares.
- Maintenance
- a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
- b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
- c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance.
- Software Upgrades
- Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.
- Electronic Mail
- I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me.
- Defaults
- We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory.
- Error Messages
- I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them to yourself.
- Killing your Process
- a) Don't ever ask why
- b) Beyond your control
- c) No warnings are given
- d) The highlight of my day
- e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.
- Passwords
- I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be. (Example: jrussell: SNOTFACE)
- Users
- a) They slow down the computer
- b) They waste my time
- c) A general nuisance
- d) Worse than that, actually
- Software Modifications
- You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want. It stays like it is. Period.
- Privileges
- I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said.
- Priority
- Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")
- Terminals
- Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
- a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
- b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
- c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
- d) Of course you did.
- Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
- Disk Space
- I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check "Data Files".
- Operator
- I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually armed; always dangerous.
- Backups
- A good idea if I gave a ****, which of course I don't.
- Lunch
- The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your process.
- Data Security
- That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.
- Jiffy
- Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your process.
- Eternity
- Length of time it takes me to give a **** about any problem that can't be resolved by killing your process.
- Impossible
- a) It can't be done (as far as you know)
- b) I can't be bothered
- c) You're starting to annoy me
- Inevitable
- a) Couldn't have been avoided
- b) Not my fault (as far as you know)
- c) The result of annoying me
- Menus
- If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working on it (See "Eternity").
- Utilities
- I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides, they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?
- Nuisance
- You.
Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm telling you.
Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask someone else
Sincerely, The System Manager - Computer
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21 May ' 02:16
A Visit from a Silicon Impostor: A few weeks before Christmas, One Nine Ninety-Four, The whole world was stirring with outrage galore. The shockings related to gross lack of care Whether all had the margin of error to spare. Small companies nestled all snug in their pride That their vision of equal respect had applied. And papa with the trackball (I, saving my wrist) Had just settled our brains for a game-maybe Myst. When out on the net, in the press, such a clatter And chatter arose! Here is what was the matter: Away to the window I flew to find out What Tom Nicely's discovery was all about. Those ads on the TV and ads in the mags Gave the luster of payday to all of their brags When what to my wondering eye it appears That the floating point error "news" is in arrears. The error is bad. The arrears part is sick, So I knew in a moment it wasn't Saint Nick! More rapid than eagles, supporters they came. And he whistled and shouted and called them by name. On PB, on Gateway, on Tandy and Acer, On Compaq, on Stupid, on Dell and Fujitsu To the top of the boards to the top of The Wall Now stash away, stash away, stash away all! As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly When they meet with an obstacle reach to the sky So up to the analysts his coarsers flew. It remains to be seen what they further will do. And then in a moment I heard in the snow The prancing and pawing of each CEO. As I drew in my head and was turning around Down the chimney this chipmaker came with a bound. He was dressed all in gold from his head to his foot, Reputation all tarnished with greedy pursuit He had a broad grin like an open ellipse And a confident stance poised to shoot from both hips With a wink of an eye and a shake of his head He tried vainly to say I had nothing to dread. With arrogant zeal he went straight to his work To fill the stock holdings, then rose, (what a jerk) And laying a finger aside of his nose
As much as to say, "You don't count." Then he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the cone of a missile
But I'm here to exclaim, if Intel is inside,
Happy Christmas to you,
Just don't try to divide!Pat McCornack http://www.joketribe.com/Christmas/96/December/VisitFromASiliconImposter.html
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20 May ' 19:28
Questions Asked Of The Smithsonian Telephone Information Services:WASHINGTON (AP) -- "There's a mastodon in my back yard." That's what the woman said when she telephoned the Smithsonian Institution, wondering if scientists could excavate the ice age creature. Then there are the folks who called asking if the Great Wall of China was on exhibit, or how about the "original Bible." You know, 10 Commandments. Tablets. Moses. A mountain. Some of the hundreds of calls the Smithsonian fields each day involve age-old questions -- what's the name of the man who invented the wheel? Or space-age queries -- where can they see flying saucers on display? "They just assume that everything's here and that we can answer every question," says Cordelia Benedict, who has supervised the Smithsonian's telephone information services for nearly a decade. "We treat every call respectfully. People don't like to be laughed at." Besides, even Encyclopedia Britannica researchers have called (asking about the history of the razor blade) and those ingenious questioners from "Jeopardy" often burn up the lines seeking game show material. Benedict and three dozen volunteers answer mostly mundane questions: How do you get to the Smithsonian's museums in Washington? When are they open? And does the Metro pass by? The most detailed questions often get shuttled to other departments such as anthropology. "We don't want to make people look stupid, but some of these questions are off the wall," says Marilyn London, head of the anthropology outreach and public information office. "But no question is a bad question."
And London usually has an answer, or knows who does.
"I think we told the guy who wanted to know who
invented the wheel that there was no way of telling," she
says. "But my response would have been, how do you know it
was a man?"
Here are some samples of curious queries and
comments:
--Can a small plane land on the Mall? The caller was
sure it could since "all those planes in the Air and Space
Museum had to get there somehow."
--Is Fawn Hall's underwear on display? This from "two
men in a Texas bar who obviously had a lot to drink," says
Benedict. "We get a lot of calls from people wanting us to
settle bets." (No, Oliver North's secretary didn't donate
her dainties, nor hide documents in them as some claimed.)
--Where is the Ark of the Covenant? (Try Indiana
Jones movies.)
--Does the Smithsonian display Civil War planes?
(The Wright brothers didn't pioneer aviation until 1903.)
--Is the Smithsonian interested in buying the carcass
of Bigfoot?
--Will the Smithsonian sell the starship Enterprise,
used for the popular "Star Trek" television show? "She only
wanted it if the transporter was in working condition,"
Benedict says. (The only life-size Enterprise at the
Smithsonian is the non-flying space shuttle of the same
name).
--Can the Smithsonian set up a caller with a hula
teacher?
"Actually, I tracked one down for her," remembers London.
"We have a curator involved in South Pacific and Hawaiian
culture, so she knew one."
--How do you say "I'm thinking of you" in Apache?
--Can you send "all the information you have on
human evolution, even the secret stuff?" from a grade
school letter writer.
--How about the coin George Washington tossed
across the Delaware River? The price: $77 million. The
question: Did he really toss that coin?
--Could the Smithsonian take a "petrified whale"
off a caller's hands? He was referred to paleontology. "I
told him that means `very old biology,' and he said, `good
because this is a very old whale,'" Benedict recalls.
--And one of Benedict's favorites: an offer to
donate a collection of potato chips resembling "famous
people and animals."
Benedict keeps the gems of the day -- about three or
four out of every 650 calls made to her department -- in a
battered green folder that "just gets thicker and thicker."
The Smithsonian might issue a book with 150 of the
most interesting queries to mark the museum's 150th year
anniversary in 1996, says Benedict, who hopes to title it,
"There's a Mastodon in My Back Yard."
Hey, what about that elephant-like mastodon?
"There was literally a mastodon buried on her ranch,"
Benedict says. "She was right. We referred her to the
vertebrate department, I think."
------
Smithsonian telephone information services: (202) 357-2700. -
20 May ' 12:25
Objectivist Pickup Lines: Oh yes, it is the ever popular Objectivist Pickup Lines, now here immortalized on the web. I hope that these pickup lines are unexpected, and therefore amusing. No "hey baby, wanna share some values?" here! Various unnamed people have contributed to this list.If you have any good suggestions, e-mail me! (diana@wustl.edu)
Universal
"Did you know that nakedness is the highest form of psychological visibility?"
"How bout you and I go get hitched at one of those Las Vegas hotels on the strip?"
"You and I could create a whole other benevolent universe..."
"Wow...when they made you they sure didn't omit any measurements!"
"If you turn me down, you're anti-man!"
"Say, there should have been a chapter in the Romantic Manifesto about your ass!"
"What isn't your sign?"
"You and I would look great in a Cancun hotel right now."
"Let me show you what sex qua sex can be."
"Why don't you get undressed so I can check your premises?"
"Wanna come over to my place and see my Ilona etchings?"
Girl to Guy
"Brother, you're asking for it!"
Guy to Girl
"Wanna let me come over and break your fireplace?"
(Guy is naked) "What do you mean it's not big enough? It's not called the Taggart Transcontinental for nothing!"
"Okay, enough epistemology. How'd you like to grasp something a bit more physical?"
"Yeah baby. It is made of Rearden Metal."
"You're certainly practicing the Virtue Of Sexiness tonight."
http://www.joketribe.com/bawdy/96/April/Objectivist Pickup Lines.html
-
20 May ' 05:28
Collected Pick-Up Lines: Once again, just helping out.(I'd really like to see someone try each of these out. Any takers?)
From: gloverjr@falcon.jmu.edu
G-lover's greatest pickup lines!
G-lover's complete list of pickup lines! Over 230 to date! Hey baby..... Here goes........
****DISCLAIMER**** The ensuing content is not of my sole creation; several sources were consulted in the compilation of this list. I also do not advocate the use of these lines; the receiver may indeed invoke bodily harm on the user of these lines. I will not be held personally responsible for any slaps, punches,
expactorations, and/or crotch shots that in all likelihood will stem from use of the following quotes. I'd also like to thank all those people who helped me accrue this seemingly all-encompassing list.- That shirt looks very becoming on you....of course if I were
on you I'd be coming too.
- If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against
me...Please??!!
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
- Are your legs tired? Because you''ve been running through
my mind all day.
- Is your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the
skies and put them in your eyes!
- Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I
see!
- That dress looks nice....Of course, it'd look even better
crumpled up in the corner of my room.
- Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from
here.
- Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I
keep seeing myself in your pants.
- Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the
first thing that pops up!?
- Would you like to have breakfast tomorrow? Should I
nudge you or call you?
- (Check female's shirt tag)....Just as I thought, made in
heaven!
- Were your parents Greek gods? Because it takes two
gods to make a goddess.
- Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number,
could I borrow yours?
- Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you
are...gorgeous!
- Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really,
what time?
- Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my
heart in a knot.
- Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to?
- My face is leaving in 10 minutes... are you gonna be on it
or not?
- Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
- Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
- If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it
for me?
- I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?
- Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it
came in?
- Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you!
- Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
- If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
- Do you know the essential difference between sex and
conversation? No, huh...So you want to go somewhere
and talk?
- That's a nice shirt...could I talk you out of it?
- (Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Mind if I
help?
- That dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so
would I.
- Hey baby, you want to see something swell?
- Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women
here have pierced nipples....
- Are you religious? Cause I'm the answer to all your
prayers!
- I love every bone in your body...especially mine.
- (With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I
thought they were wings.
- Pardon me, are you in heat?!
- Are you O.K.? Because heaven's a long fall from here.
- You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you
and I together, I'd get 69.
- You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if
they were eyeing my pretty balls.
- You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
- Can I borrow a quarter? Cause my mom told me to call
home when I met the girl of my dreams.
- Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
- You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?
- Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown
some nice melons!
- Your face or mine?
- Hey, here's the word for the day: legs. Whatdya say we go
upstairs and spread the word?!
- Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
- Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and
wear you like a feed bag!
- Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
- Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
- Make a calling card that says.....Smile if you want to sleep
with me! Then watch your victim try to hold back her
smile.
- Hi, my name's (_____), how do you like me so far?
- Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll get things straight
between the two of us.
- Hey baby! Wanna go get some pizza and screw? What
you don't like pizza?
-
She: (to passing man) Do you have the time?
Him: Do you have the energy?
- Bond. James Bond.
- You know, I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it
appears someone has already beat me to it.
- You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in
the book. So, what's one more?
-
Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse,
etc.)
Him: I like nothing better.
- Walk up to a lady at a social gathering (party, club, etc.)
and simply ask, "are you ready to go home now?
- You know, I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got
more of something else.
- At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread
and ask, "Wanna roll?"
- You know, you've got the prettiest teeth I've ever
dreamed of coming across.
- That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all
you are wearing.
- Think you can dance in those shoes?
- OK, you can stand next to me as long as you don't talk
about the heat.
- Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then grab your nuts and say,
"Then suck this, it's a gem!"
- You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign.
- Why don't you surprise your roommate/parents and not go
home tonight?
-
Good looking waitress pouring a drink: Say when!
Guy: As soon as I finish this drink.
- Lie down. I think I love you.
- What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
- I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me
a little.
- If I weren't so romantic, I'd shoot you.
- My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
- My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your
blouse in a public place.
- Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even
been to bed together?
- I know a great way to burn off the calories from that pastry
you just ate.
- Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a
finely tuned body?
- Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your
pockets inside out....) Would you like to?
- Stand back, I'm a doctor! You go get an ambulance and
I'll loosen her clothes.
- If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
- I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
- Hey baby, wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on
my face and I guess your age and weight.
-
You: Tickle your ass with a feather?
Her: What?!
You: I said 'Particular nice weather?'!
- Hey baby, wanna play train conductor? OK. You sit on
my face and I'll Chew, chew, chew! (choo!)
- Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there
and I'll throw you my meat.
- Do you know the difference between my penis and a
chicken leg? No??? Well, let's go on a picnic and find out!
- Oh, you're a bird watcher....(Whip out your unit and ask)
Well, would you take this for a swallow?
- Stand back, I'm a police officer! You go call for backup
and I'll frisk her!
- Do you have a library card? Good, cause I wanna check
you out!
- Your warm eyes melt the iciness of my heart.
- (At church during a sermon) (Put your arm around your
gal...) Honey, I don't know where he is....(motioning to the
preacher) but I do know I'm here with you.
- Baby, you look better and better each day...and tonight,
you look like tomorrow!
- Here's a quarter....call your roomate and tell her you won't
be coming home tonight!
- Hey baby, you smell, let's take a shower together!
- Baby, you with those curves and me with no brakes!
Mmmmm!
- Hey baby, whatdya say we go behind that rock and get a
little boulder?!?
- I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
- Can I borrow a quarter? [why?] Cuz I wanna call your
mom and thank her!
- You're so hot, you melt the plastic in my underwear!
- Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the
table and take/eat what I want!
- Let's go back to my place and do the things I'll tell
everyone we did anyway!
- My name is ______. Just remember that, so you'll know
what to scream later.
- Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
- Can I flirt with you?
- Your daddy must have been a baker, cuz you sure have a
nice set of buns!
- [Checking her shirt tag] Just making sure you were the right
size!
- (Grab her ass...) Pardon me, is this seat taken?
- Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?
- Can I have directions? (to where?) To your heart!
- I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
- So....how am I doin?
- How bout you and me go back to my place and get you
out of those wet clothes?
- (Tapping your leg) You just think this is my leg.
- You know what would look good on you? Me!
- Excuse me, but I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if
we shared a cab home together?
- Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip your arm around her, and
say, "Hi Kate!" She says, "I'm not Kate!" And you say, as
your hand slips a little lower, "But you sure feel like her!"
-
She: Gee, I really enjoyed myself tonight!
He: Me too. Maybe we could let our bodies enjoy each other sometime!
- Pardon me, I was just about to go home and masturbate,
and I was wondering if you would mind if I fantasized
about you?
- I've had a pretty bad day, and it usually makes me feel
better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for
me?
- Overheard in a computer lab: Just because our computers
are incompatible doesn't mean we are!
- Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
- Hey, didn't we go to different schools together?
- You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just
once!
- Would you like Gin and plantonic, or would you prefer
Scotch and sofa?
- What's your favorite position on extramarital sex?
- I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look
ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now
is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How
tragic. How very, very tragic.
- Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon,
she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My,
what a pretty dress.
- Excuse me, do you live around here often?
- I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade!
- I've got an itch honey. Lower. Lower. In. Out.
- I'm on fire baby, can I run through your sprinkler?
- Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
- I have only three months to live...
- Hey baby, what's your sign? All you can eat?
- Hi! I'm Big Brother, and I've been watching you!
- Where have you been all my life?
- In the produce department: "How can you tell if these
things are ripe?"
- Hey, weren't you Miss Virginia last year?
- Don't worry about it. Nothing that you've ever done
before counts. The only thing that matters is that we're
together.
- I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have
you been drinking?
- Your daddy must be a drug dealer, cuz you're dope.
- Hey baby, can I tickle your belly-button from the inside?
- If I follow you home, will you keep me?
- Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the
beautiful smil
- Go up to a girl and tell her she has nice legs....then ask
would she mind if you named them. She says ok, and you
say ok this one is Thanksgiving and that one is
Christmas.....would you mind if I visited between the
holidays?
- Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work
at it?
- Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
- As she's leaving....Hey aren't you forgetting something?
She: What?
You: Me!
- Have you run into any trees lately? Then how bout a root!
- Hey baby, you wanna fu*k or should I apologize?
- If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
- Want to see my stamp collection?
- Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't
3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.
- Hi, do you want to have my children? (assuming the
answer is 'no') , OK then, can we just practice?
- Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I
lick it off?
- Do you know how to use a whip?
- Do you wash your panties with Windex? Cuz I keep seeing
myself in them.
- Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!
- How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just
wanted know what to make for you in the morning!
- Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an
angel!
-
You: Hi, wanna fuck?
Her: No!
Me: Mind lying down while I have one?
- Baby, I'm an American Express lover....you shouldn't go
home without me!
- Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.
- Excuse me, maam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to
be?
-
You: I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
Her: No.
You: Well then, please start.
- I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...what say we tie up
for the night?
- Would you like to come over to my place later? You can
bring some friends because my face seats five.
- Wanna go halves in a baby?
-
You: I hear you like to sing.
Her: Yeah...
You: (Whip out your pud) Well, then step up to the mike!
- Pardon me, what pickup line works best with you?
- Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play
gynecologist.
- Can I see your tan lines?
- I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.
- Beauty is only a light switch away...
- If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of
losing you.
- Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
- Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a
MANfriend, come and talk to me.
- I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30
seconds...
- I was sitting here holding this cigarrete and I realized I'd
rather be holding you.
- If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man
right now!
- Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a
blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?
- Hey baby, sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you
better!
- You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who
sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU
think I'M cute.
- Motion your finger for girl to come over to you, when she
gets there say, I just made you come with one finger,
imagine what I could do with TWO!
- Hey baby, are you a glover? NO? Well, I am, wanna wear
me?
- I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!
- Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
- Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see
you, you turn me on!
- Stand still so I can pick you up!
- Hi, we're taking a survey and I need your phone number. If
you give it to me, I'll call you and tell you the results.
- I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
- Do you like music?(Yes) Good, I've got a great stereo in
my car!
- Are you looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now?
-
Man: (beckons woman with finger)
Woman:(Approaches man)
Man: Do you always cum when someone fingers you?
- Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop
you up with a biscuit!
- Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
- Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a
name to go with the face.
- Pardon me, but are those stretch marks around your
mouth?
- Do you want to hear a joke that'll make you laugh your tits
off?.. Oh, you've already heard it..
- I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?
- Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner?
- I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of
heaven.
- Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off
my feet.
- Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour
coordinated.
- Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
- Go up to a girl at a bar or a dance and ask her "do you
want a fuck (wait for a second gaugeing her reaction) and
then say ...ing drink.
- Go up to a girl, ask her, "Do you know what winks and
screws like a tiger?"
She says no.
Then wink.
- I supposed to eat you somewhere?
- Excuse me do fries come with that shake?
- I'd spend money on you I haven't even made.
- I would give you more money than a show dog could jump
over.
- Baby, you look good coming AND going!
- I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
- I can't decide if you are a better person than you are a
woman or you are a better woman than you are a person.
- So...Do you fuck, or do I owe you an apology?
- Well hello there! How you screwin; glad to eat ya!
- I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
- Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
No.
Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
- If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
-
He: You look like my third wife.
She: Oh, how many time have you been married?
He: Twice.
- Take an icecube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that
I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"
- I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with
you.
- I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
- You know what I like about you? My arms.
- What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
- So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything
more than just conversation?
- You make my software turn to hardware!
- As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.
- Was you father an alien?
No, why?
Because there's nothing else like you on earth!
- Hey baby, How would you like to join me in some math?
We'll add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your
legs, and multiply!
- Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your
Bedrock!
- Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll
slam you!
- Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been
touched by an angel?
- Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
- You must be a hell of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from
across the room
- There are 256 bones in the human body. How'd ya like
one more?
- As the sun illuminates the moon and the stars, so let us
illumin each other.
- Are you going places or just being taken?
- If god made anything prettier, I hope he kept it for himself.
- I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours?
- Gee Girl, your eyes remind me of cresent wrenches, every
time I look into them my nuts tighten!
- Hey baby I want to take you to Hawii.To the island of
"comona, wanna, lay ya!
- If you have a fake leg (or if you don't), rub hers and if she
says anything say "I'm sorry, I thought that was my leg.
- Baby, if you were a flower, I would pick you!
- Baby, you're so fine, you're my 9.9...
- Hey, I just noticed you looking at me across the room. I'll
give you a minute to catch your breath!
- What's the best thing to come out of a penis? the wrinkles!
http://www.joketribe.com/bawdy/96/February/Collected Pick-up Lines.html
- That shirt looks very becoming on you....of course if I were
on you I'd be coming too.
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