Page2RRS

• 05 Nov 2009 09:01

  2009.11.05-22.54 Welcome to Orsm.net. Why would I say what I mean...? Too obvious to tell you guys it's been another busy week? Ohhh... ooops! Every free minute has been packed but I am at least making things happen. For starters I'm several steps closer to getting the image galleries working properly again AND same with the videos. Shit just takes time. And you pessimistic wankers thought I'd forgotten... Tuesday was Melbourne Cup Day. If you live outside Oz you may never have heard of it but what it boils down to is: big, annual race that inspires people with no interest in horses to dress up, gamble and congregate at racecourses and pubs around the nation. I'm pretty much over it these days and mostly just get sucked in to providing a ride for whichever family member needs one. Truth be told, I don't mind because it's always good for a perv. The trip there is slow and congested, cars and people everywhere you look. The chicks are generally all amazing too. Perfect makeup, designers dresses, 6inch heels. It's basically a giant fashion parade. The return trip is a completely different story however. Class and hotness give way to drunkenness and exhaustion. That makeup is gone and the high heels now clutched under an arm as these once glamour girls walk barefoot desperately hoping to get a cab. Kind of sad really. A little bit like finding out someone you thought was cool is actually gay or a Labor voter. If you cast your minds back a week you may well remember me dribbling on about having quit smoking. I'm now 10 days in and going surprisingly well cunt fuck shit. Starting to feel more normal and withdrawals are miniscule by comparison. Safe to say that you guys have been more help than my mates too - the general response is "Haha again?" or "You'll be back!" Fuckers. All smokers by the way. That's what I get for quitting for eight months a few years ago. The one and only time I tried mind you. This got me wondering - when aren't you a smoker? How long do you have to be off the durries before the answer is "I don't smoke"? I posed this to several people. Answers ranged from the day you quit to when you don't crave them anymore and so on. Funnily enough the criteria changes when you change the addiction. Recovered alcoholics for instance are always alco's but for smokers and smoking -something more deadly and addictive- you can just declare yourself a non-smoker and that's that. Same for drug dealers now I think of it. Doesn't seem fair for anyone who ever had a drinking problem... or murdered someone... or painted a picture... or got a little too friendly with the neighbours children... Let's do weekend. Saturday was the closest I've come to sleeping in for months, figuring if I just lie still it will count but a succession of phone calls soon ended that. My next accomplishment after getting up, solving the world's problems and doing groceries was to spend all day clearing my desk and doing long neglected paperwork. Inspirational stuff I tells ya. It's why I look forward to weekends... Had every intention of doing the sleep in/lie still trick Sunday but -predictably- it was never going to happen... this time thanks to my neighbour who hired a big verti-mower thing and started at 7am. Whole house shaking it was time to get up. After carefully weighing options, choosing between doing stuff for myself or for others, I took off to do computer repairs for various friends and family. From there it was lunch and a quick cruise with mates before returning to base and resuming desk clearing operations. Boring as fuck? Yes! Waste of a Sunday arvo? Yes! But it's finally done and should be good until next year... Okay now that's out of the way we should get on with the good stuff. Check it... It's Game TimeDouchebagsBorn A ManBeer DestructionLuvlee Tata'sFatman AlcoEpic GangBang FG/AD MashupSkanky Sex TapeRejected IdeasLife's A PeachUltimate AwesomeBooty PopFlexi-girl Let It QueefCoolest TeacherSmart PoochWalken FaceOnya DickheadOH Fuck!Brave DadArnie's FU The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer. The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table. "What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain. "Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will." I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to fuck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!! An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Most Spectacular Tits Ever Double Dead Leg Gospel Aerobics Insane Blue Balls Video Store Blowjob Elk Calf Having Fun How To Change A VW Belt Girl Falls Off Skateboard An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Hobart, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South, East to West. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call" The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Melbourne. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Hobart and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay, thank you," said the writer. He then travelled to Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, Brisbane, Darwin, and Alice Springs. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Alice Springs saw a sign for Perth and decided to see if Westerners had the same phone. He arrived in Perth, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I've travelled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Western Australia now son, it's a local call". HEATHER CAROLIN A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably. She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM." Fuck & Facial Roy Al Is A God Sore Loser Flaming Trick Goes Wrong Chocolate Hottie Player Tackles Teammate Pregnant Aerobics Passed Out & Humped Three contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing all of them. Suddenly they're at the pearly gates and Saint Peter says “This is perfect. The gates need repair and I can get three estimates.” He asks the first contractor Bubba what it would take to fix the gates. Bubba walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $750. Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. He walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $1500, and tells him I won't make a dime off this. Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. Anthony quickly gives Saint Peter a price of $2750. Saint Peter asks Anthony how he could come up with an estimate of two thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars without even inspecting or measuring the gates. Anthony replies, "Its easy Saint Peter, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, $750 for Bubba". SUPER YACHT: THE ALFA NERO A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children." The man told the fairy. "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go." The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here... and -PING!- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay. "One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans... and -PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?" The fairy said "Tough shit, Amigo! Now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself!" And she disappeared. HOW THEY USED TO DO IT For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen. J Subject: Interracial couple vidIf you had a video between a protestant and a catholic, would you mark it as interreligious? If it was between someone from NSW and WA, would it be interstate sex? If it was between someone who used the NZ dollar and the Indonesian rupiah, would it be intercurrency? Why label sex between two people like this? I am sure you are not appealing to people who see "interracial sex" as something specially sinful, but some may see it that way. Because many people attack those who criticise racist ideology, please withhold my mail address. But I am an Aussie Are you serious? It's porn! Political correctness does not apply. The guy was BLACK and the chick was WHITE. Therefore interracial. Just out of interest: two eighteen year old guys fucking... teen porn or gay porn? -Orsm straight jacket Subject: Re: your post on bootleg productsHi; have been a fan for over half a decade, but this is my first e-mail. I just wanted to let you know that your picture of red bull "knock offs" are actually the real deal. Red bull was developed by a thai pharmacist, and the current formula was adapted from that product by an austrian businessman in the 80's. Technically, the Red Bull we all know and love is the knock off. Having said that, keep on doing what you do, as it is fucking awesome. Subject: Ebay Gold!This is truly sensational. It's that subtle Aussie humour again. Read it soon, before it sells and is removed from ebay. It's worth investing a couple of minutes in. Simon Subject: RE "wogs" in elevator videoHey orsm... Since when did we start calling Lebanese/Arab people "wogs"? These losers weren't Italian, Spanish or Greek. Cheers... long time regular viewer... Subject: Real Life GordoHey Orsm, Long time fan, first time submitter. Thought you'd be interested in this guy. Remember Gordo from Mortal Kombat? Please hide the details *Gordo had four arms. -Orsm OneMan Subject: CopsWho says cops don't have a sense of humor? Rodney King. -Orsm Brad Subject: Bledisloe JapanHi Mate, After many hours on the booze in Tokyo for the Bledisloe, we rolled up to the game and saw this at the gate. It is amazing I have showed this to a number of people and they don't get it until you point out the error. Cheers. Subject: Malaysian Moto GPPissing about at the Malysian GP last weekend - took a snap shot of my Pommy mate taking control of Rossi (he thinks). Please hide my details. Tj Subject: PicsHey just wanted to send you some pics. Enjoy. Thank you for sending ME pics of you wang... -Orsm Jared Subject: Gotta love WICHITA, KSMy brother was traveling on business and found this sign in Wichita, Kansas. They didnt really think that one thru.... cameronSomething i found in the internets that just sounded too good to be true. Found on people smuggler website? -Orsm Subject: Very Cool ChurchFancy living in a Church? This old church in Kyloe, North Cumberland, England was purchased by a couple. They invested lots of money to keep the outside and inside as it was. They restored instead of renovated (a third of the cost). The couple did their best to recreate the inside like a regular home. OneMan Subject: A real angel foundHey fella, going through some old files and thought you could use. cheers Kaz Subject: Somea my shitG'day orsm dude, long time viewer, first time contribuitor blah blah.. Thought would throw some pics of my fine girl at ya. Enjoy.. Tim wrote: Subject: New Obama Bumper Stickers REALLY new!Too good. Change is inevitable. Progress is not. I now realise that no matter who the President, this stuff will go around. -Orsm V wrote: Subject: Speedo's men should NEVER wear!!!A little caution when opening... Not for kids or husbands (the husbands will get jealous!) Probably the most offensive things I've ever seen. -Orsm Mike wrote: Subject: your photosattached pics of ex missus,and the Eden project. show email if you want Remind me of my year 6 teacher. Scarily so. -Orsm OneMan Subject: Silly boys!!!!They picked the wrong guy to rob! Three armed felons tried to rob an El Paso, Texas, Police Officer (he's in civilian clothes) in front of a bank. The plan was to grasp his back pack and get away on a stolen motorcycle. The well prepared Police Officer shot all of them, managing to kill 2 at the scene. The 3rd one was shot in both arms. Gun used: a 40 cal pistol. Nice grouping..! Check out the survivor's upper left arm.. That's gotta hurt! As Ron White says, "In Texas we have the Death Penalty and we use it !!" Subject: Viewers ChoiceAttached are 2 pics I recently took. 2 different shots. It's a viewer's choice award. Which one is would you like to tap? Remove sender's info I'd tap the one with the vagina. -Orsm Iain Subject: Van explosion imagesResult of leaking Acetylene bottle stored in plumbers van. 22-10-09. Accidently ignited by activating a remote door lock device. Kaaa - Boooom!! Seems the acetylene bottle WAS in a cabinet. Better inform Plumbers you know!! DtMWest Atlas This is that one off north Western Australia which has been in the news recently. Up until this week it was spewing over 400 barrels of oil a day into the ocean. -Orsm Emo Couple Fuck It Out City Council Crazies Drifter Takes Out Spectators Ghostly Mirror Image Hughie and Teddy saw an ad in the newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Hughie and Teddy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Teddy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Hughie and Teddy at the grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898." The farmer said, "My Lord! Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." Hughie and Teddy now work for the US Government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program. ZOE BRITTON Really really really think this is a good Random Shite update this week. Tonnes of cool shite... so much so that I'll stop arranging my fingers on the keyboard in such a way that it generates the text you are currently reading and let you get on with it... An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... c'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted:"Jean... Jean... ze re is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, l'amour! Zis is okay!" "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!" To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember... it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mesamis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!" COCAINE SMUGGLING DOESN'T ALWAYS PAY [WARNING: GRAPHIC] A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'" "OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!" BEAUTIFUL SCOTLAND Click for Gallery >> LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Addendum: the idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines. Chi-merican Girl Demolition Crane Collapse Failed Landing Gear On A Door? Done and done. All that leaves is this last bit... . It's where I hide the good shit. - Next update will be next Thursday. I see no reason to deviate from this.otherwise my friend Ray will smash your fucking face in. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember the courtesy flush. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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