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30 Oct 2009 02:40
2009.10.29-22.48 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Humiliation - not everyone enjoys it.
Am feeling angry at the world today. Matter of fact I'm desperately hoping someone will piss me off so I can punch them, stomp them, hospitalise them. Monday was 'quit' day and rage has been steadily building since Tuesgay when withdrawal symptoms began to appear. I knew what to expect because I've quit the cigs before but this time everything is x10. Severely agitated, fidgety, starving, sudden and uncontrollable sleep attacks and the worst -by far the worst- is how slowly time now passes. It's excruciating. Remember that scene in Trainspotting? Same shit.
Cold turkey is a motherfucker. Should really have gum or patches or Champix but it's one of those things... if I can beat it the hardest way possible, I'll respect it more and hopefully keep that in mind when I'm tempted to take a puff. Honestly this shit is all so retarded it's beyond words. I adore smoking. It brings me happiness, relaxation, comfort. It's rewarding and social but slight downside of death. Believe me though - if someone promised I could smoke and still live to 100 there'd be all of about 0.3 seconds before that wonderful Stuyvesant hit my lips. Come to think of if, at this point I'd probably settle for 60... maybe 58... fifty...?
A few months back I mentioned something about Samsung warranties being . Almost three months ago actually. Oh how fucking wrong I was! Initially the service guys were fantastic, helpful etc and that was cool until we hit a snag. Main problem is that I bought two IDENTICAL monitors, one failed and whilst that's a shame, I don't have any plans to deviate from two identical no matter how much it would suit them. Since then it's been a stream of no stock, soon-to-be arriving stock, offers and refused [by me] attempts to deliver alternate models. They've now stopped responding to my emails. Seriously is that unreasonable? I just want two same model monitors for my desk. Not similar, close or only slightly different - identical.
My latest email asks them to arrange pick up for both monitors and refund me so I can buy something else. Chances? Somewhere between sweet fuck all and Ellen DeGeneres coming out as a closet heterosexual but you never know. This is becoming reminiscent of my battle against LG with the fridge a few years back. Sure I wasn"t able to cool food or drink for several months and threw away a fortune in stuff I couldn"t keep frozen but in the end I won...
Okay let's do what else has been happening. Predictably Saturday started far, far too early with the skip bin delivery guy waking me at 6.50am. "Wasn't expecting you for 2 hours" I say. "We had a cancellation so that's how it is" says he. Wanker. The rest of Saturday went like many before it and eventually turned into Sunday, another early wakeup and time to start loading the aforementioned bin with the old kitchen plus a bunch of other crap lying around the house. Amazing how much shit is jammed into various corners and now pretty obvious the only way it's ever going to be clean and de-junked is with use of a bulldozer.
Guess how Monday started? What's that? Very early? That's right! Well done. It also went on to include 90minutes of peak hour terror picking relatives up from the airport. "Oh what's that? Eight hours in cattle-class really tires you out?" So does five hours sleep a night but you don"t hear me complaining...
Alrighty... enoughity. If you managed to read through all of that then err... well done. I had the good sense to stop a few paragraphs back. The seasoned Orsm surfers knew to scroll straight past it and aim for the content, and poor old you just spent a couple of minutes reading the drivel of some guy that made no point and really adds nothing to society. And with that - check it...
Play PokerAussie GoddessFood StylistBro RapeJackson FailDating Loser Loh-cansDicksucking Champ
Winehouse BoobsThis Is NutsHumming-hatElephant SneezeShake WeightAmazing TitsUltra Retarded
Breakdance CatElevator ShenanigansBad ParentingDisturbingNut HotshotBad IdolPole Training
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" Bill and Harry are bragging about how clever their dogs are. "This'll clinch it" says Bill, and gives his dog a $10 bill, "Go off and buy me a newspaper." The dog trots off obediently but an hour later he's still not back. Bill and Harry set off to look for the dog - and find him in the nearest alley giving a very serious humping to a pretty French poodle. "Rover!" says Bill, "Why didn't you come back to me like before?" Rover looks up and says "Never had this much money before..."
RANDOM INTERESTING FACTS THAT I'M TOO LAZY TO VERFIY
- Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.- The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. - The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.- A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up down continuously from the bottom of glass to the top. - 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.- 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. - The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red Eyes. He was albino.- On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong Parents, daily. - Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.- Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a Few ounces will kill a small-sized dog. - Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.- Most lipstick contains fish scales. - Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. - Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.- Upper- and lower-case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the Upper case' were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. - Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.- Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. - There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.- The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before. - There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: Orange and silver.- Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. - A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.- The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. - If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four Pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.- By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. - The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.- The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. - Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples.- Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. - The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.- Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. - Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
KAYDEN KROSS 
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for New York City, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently broke wind. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!
He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
“Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. “Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... show him your BADGE!"
WHADDYA MEAN IT'S A KNOCK OFF...? 
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... "Look Paddy... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!"
SLEEPING SECURITY GUARDS 
Jason Subject: Office notes picI'm surprised that this note didn't include a word or two regarding racism, I'm sure the writer was thinking it. Your ethnic food fucking stinks you fucking cunt. As a matter of fact, yes I am a racist. I am proud to be a racist. And your fucking food stinks up an entire floor, even when cooked in a kitchen. Get some fucking normal food, or deal with my racist puke on your desk.
Mark Subject: It's not CarlIt's not Carl 'Foggy' Fogarty garage. In Fact it belongs to Tony O'Neil.
Never heard of either of them but either way I think you're missing the point - someone has a JET in their garage... -Orsm
Matthew Subject: That's what friends are for!HI BUd, Love your buddy ... love it. My roomie and his mate decided to attack their very very drunk friend with a thong. The sound is the best part!
Subject: Link to a Vegas cutieSome great pics, non nude, though. But, a softball coach. Yummy Yummy! Keep up the kickass work.link] [link
Holy crap. There is a God and he lives on her chest. -Orsm
VERY Impressive Wang Subject: Townsville Bulletin job addThis is a real add from the local Townsville Bulletin, really worth a read in particular something for GEN Y to take note of.
Actually sounds quite reasonable. -Orsm
Neville F Subject: Emailingbeauty and the geek
It would be mean to call her a pig... -Orsm
Craig Subject: screenshotDid a screenshot from your last RS group....... Cheers
Subject: Spoilt WomenHi, The ladies in Nairobi, Kenya are a spoilt lot! Hide my details
Tom Subject: Kitchen DecoratorsHowdy! Thought you'd like this pic; saw it in downtown Calgary, Alberta Canada; you gotta love it. I call it "Frankensteins Brides Box" Event eh name- Huntwood- is pretty darn funny. Take care!
Subject: Bar SignHere is a good one for you. Please hide my info. 
Heath S Subject: Epic Role Model Failnot a bad effort for shits and giggles:
Winner. -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: Suckhoe mag from SaigonHey ORSM. Its great to be out of the middle east where we lived for 2 years as your site was blocked (see ae_site_blocked) for being morally unacceptable. This little chestnut (suckhoe) was delivered to our front door here in Saigon. The Vietnamese translation was nothing liek I was imagining - funny that. Keep up the good work. Pls withhold details. Cheers
<with held> wrote: Subject: girlfriend picsgirlfriend in cairn send me these enjoy them. hide my details.
What a thoughtful GF. -Orsm
Glyn A Subject: Albany chip mill truck tipper.Hi Orsm, Trucks delivering bluegum woodchips for export to Japan to be processed for high grade paper. Regards, Minipom.
"What's the easiest way to get this stuff out?" "We'll just pickup the whole truck!". Makes sense... -Orsm
<with held> wrote: Subject: EmailingPlease withhold my information...... These are pics of a girl I was fucking named Michelle, I dropped her so she went back to her husband....LOL
<with held> wrote: Subject: Idiot ParentsG'day Mr. Orsm I submitted these pics to a popular site here in the states, but though your readers would be interested in them as well. The attached pictures where taken by my friend who lives in Jacksonville, Florida. As you can see, the truck is on the interstate and and moving at a pretty good pace. Myfriend contacted the local police and was told that even with the pictures, there was nothing that could be done to these reckless parents. I guess the kids where lucky to be in their car seats. At least the bodies would more easily recovered in the event of a tragic mishap. It's my hope that if these parents see their idiocy on the net for all to see, maybe they'll second guess their idea of child safety.
sean Subject: Swine FluFind out who is benefited by Swine flu 
Subject: Vehicle FireThis is an employee of AT&T..works in Huntsville. Sending as an FYI. This fire resulted from leaving an Iphone charger/docking station plugged into the car outlet. It overheated and started a fire, while parked in our garage. PLEASE unplug anything you have in your car outlets once you turn off your car! We were VERY fortunate that we found the fire, at 11pm, before going to bed and before it spread to the house. None of our garage heat detectors or house fire alarms went off (another item to take care of on my to do list).
fletch Subject: mobile phone camera picsDear Mr Orsm, Here are some pics that I found on a mobile phone at my local pub in Hobart,Tasmania. Don't you just love mobile phones. Love your work....Please keep my details private.
Subject: Ah yes, the power of love.Ah yes, the power of love.. This guy (Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda Neto) simply referred to as "Doda" was married to... []
<with held> wrote: Subject: Sluts on World of WarcraftMr. Orsm long time fan first time poster. here are some pics I got some chick to send me from playing world of warcraft. this chick is married and her husband doesn't even know she goes on WOW to trade naked pictures and send sexual texts with other people from there. please hide my info. thanks
Subject: STREET GANGS IN HELENA, MONTANAIts gangs like these that the people of Helena have to put up with. A bit different from the problems in other cities... It proves that every State has their own "unique" gang problems. They roam the streets and yards night and day.....and you CAN NOT (legally) shoot them. Pretty area, homes, lawns so they have good taste..
<with held> wrote: Subject: De MotivatorsHi, would like to share some of my demotivators with everyone. Please do not show my details. Regards
<with held> wrote: Subject: Wife pics...I've sent in a pic or two in the long distant past and thought you'd like these. Being married does indeed have it's perks. Please keep my details private.
Dave Subject: Sky Burial (Not for the faint hearted!!!)Definately not for the faint hearted - you have been warned! Big fan of the site bud, keep up the good work.
GRAPHIC WARNING! Although surprisingly this isn't quite as fucked up as it appears... at least not in the sense of being some sort of torture. Read more at Wookiepedia
<with held> wrote: Subject: Dirty ex girlfriendHere is a girl i was fucking but she turned out to be a whore......please hide my info and enjoy.....
Extreme hotness! -Orsm
Two gay guys, Fred and Larry, get legally married in Maine, USA. They couldn't afford a honeymoon, so, they go back to Fred's parent's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school"
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Larry up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room asking for Vaseline... I think I gave him my airplane glue."
MADISON & MACKENZIE 
You make the rules here - good or bad, funny or sad, right or wrong - that's for you to decide. Now check it...
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
A few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"
HALLOWEEN CAKES 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me!
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but probably always with a limp.
Time to go bro's. Slightly odd that I've managed to pull this sucker together with an hour or two to spare. Must be all that extra time that would otherwise be spent on cigarette breaks coming into play. I should really be happy about this fact but at this point it's totally gay. Anyway...
. I FUCKING DARE YOU! - Next update will be next Thursday. Doubt you have anything better to do...?otherwise my friend Ray will act nice to you all week. Just when you think he genuinely likes you, he'll spike your drink and rape you... comfortable in the knowledge you would be too embarassed and ashamed to tell anyone. If you're a girl he'll probably just let you off with a warning. Not as if he's a monster you know!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy Halloween I guess. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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