Page2RRS

• 22 Oct 2009 10:12

  2009.10.22-23.22 Welcome to Orsm.net. Annoying much? People of Earth - hi. You good? Good. Must admit to happy-happy-joy-joy feelings after checking the calendar and realising that after today's update we're down to just eight more for the year! This means come the Xmas break I'll hopefully have a chance to put my feet up and enjoy a week or two NOT updating. It also means Xmas itself is approaching and after last years family related debacle, the hassle of buying presents and a bunch of other reasons I'm yet to remember, the time now to start work on an avoidance strategy is now. Am dealing with some pretty hardcore bitter sweet emotions right now and surprise surprise Facebook is to blame. For the last couple of years I've been pushed to the edge by a particular FB 'friend' who isn't actually a friend at all, just someone I know from years ago who added me. Didn't want to be rude so I accepted and since then, every single day, it's like she's deliberately trying to anger me. It's been an unending stream of the stupidest fucking shit you can ever imagine as status updates, 'liking' and commenting on those updates even [read: especially] when no one else does, comments on every single pic anyone adds, creates ridiculous FB groups and repeatedly posts them, runs through every pathetic FB app imaginable and continually clogs up the entire newsfeed. No shit some days I login and 95% is her - 'what kind of angel are you?', 'are you a good lover?' 'which Simpsons character do you most resemble?' and on and on and on... This beckons the question: why if she annoyed me SO much didn't I just delete. The car crash principle applies - you can't look away. The constant retarded shit that drives me insane every single day provides endless entertainment to the point where I find myself logging in to see what she's got to say. It's clear that at some point she began to think of herself as Oprah and the 'what's on your mind?' section became her place to dispense advice, detail approaching meals, plug rubbish her friends are trying to flog and on many, many occasions over share in detail various body related matters. Not even once was a post finished without gross overuse of exclamation marks!!!!!! And then three days ago I click on to Facebook and quickly it's apparent something isn't right. My newsfeed is full of posts and photos from other friends. What the!? And then it hits me. My feed is completely bare of this one particular persons inane utterings. I quickly go to search and the unthinkable has happened - she's GONE from FB!!!!!!!!!!  Just like that the daily spectacle has vanished without so much as an explanation. No last "I'm outta here Facebook!!!" post - nothing. I feel like I've woken up in an ice bath sans kidney. Where am I going to get my infuri-tainment from now? Whose comments will I cut and paste to my friends with a trailing "OMFG look at what she is doing now". And most importantly - who the hell will I mock in future? Now for a quick weekend rundown... because the life of a webmaster is so awesome I'd be robbing you guys by not blogging it... It wasn't like we weren't warned but Saturday was the hottest October day in 13 years, if not hottest the history of the world. My mission was garden, weeds and general cleanup outside which was going spectacularly until early afternoon and the mercury started to climb. Eventually got to 37°C [99°F]. Honestly wouldn't have minded so much if we had a lead up but literally two days before I had the heater on. One and only goal for Sunday was to give the car a proper wash and considering it had been four weeks since the last one, which didn't come close to scrubbing roadtrip remnants from interior and exterior, there was some serious time spent. Moved activities inside afterwards embarked on what I soon realised was spring cleaning. It is after all spring. Getting this joint de-junked is my new mission in life. Admittedly the house does look clean but that's because the obsessive compulsive inside me insists on neatly organising any mess. Jesus look at me go... like a writer possessed today. Odd that I couldn't sleep last nite trying to think up shit to fill this space although less odd that people will go to sleep tonight wishing I hadn't bothered. Anyway better get on with the update. Prepare yourselves! Check it... Spooky SpalshNo Han No!Ridiculous CleavBSB DubPimp With Mr. TDeep Fried ButteriBandWeed Pussy Amateur CutiesLily Allen BoobsNot The DaddyHard To WatchHilarious PSABadonkadonkKiss Crazy Bathing KaitlinTotally SmashedOh Shit! - Great ActingFeminine WashSo CloseAutotune #9Duck Love Two black fella's are at a bar talking. One says to the other, "You ever noticed after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?" The second black guy replies, "Yeah, all the time." The first asks, "Why do you think that is?" The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray." I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome. While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!" George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet. "Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?" "I'm riding a bus." "That's a fucking stupid thing to say!" "Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!" Chair Fucking Train Vs Car Collision The Boobs Slip Out Simply Awesome Big Juicy Facial Worst Baseball Caller Of All Time Electrified Doorknob Redneck Car Jumpin' AMAZING COINCIDENCES 1. A computer error gave two women in America called Patricia the same social security number. When the two women were brought together in an office to rectify the blunder they discovered that they had both been born with the names Patricia Ann Campbell. Both of their fathers were called Robert Campbell. Their birthdays were on 13th March 1941. They had both married military men in the year 1959 (within eleven days of each other). They each had two children aged 19 and 21. They both had an interest in oil painting. Both had studied cosmetics. Both had worked as book-keepers. 2. In 1893, Henry Ziegland ended a relationship with his girlfriend. Tragically, his girlfriend took the news very badly, became distraught and took her own life. Her distressed brother blamed his sister's death upon Henry, he went round to Henry's house, saw him out in the garden and tried to shoot him. Luckily, the bullet only grazed Henry's face and embedded itself in a nearby tree. In 1913, twenty years after this incident, Henry decided to use dynamite to uproot a tree in his garden. The explosion propelled the embedded bullet from the tree straight into Henry Ziegland's head - killing him immediately. 3. On December 5th 1660, a ship sank in the straights of Dover - the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams. On 5th December 1767, another ship sank in the same waters - 127 lost their lives, the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams. On 8th August 1820, a picnic boat capsized on the Thames - there was one survivor - Hugh Williams. On 10th July 1940, a British trawler was destroyed by a German mine - only two men survived, one man and his nephew - they were both called Hugh Williams. 4. Mr McDonald was a farmer who lived in Canada - nothing extra-ordinary in that - until you learn that his postcode contained the letter sequence EIEIO. 5. In 1996, Paris police set out to investigate a late night, high speed car crash, both drivers had been killed instantly. Investigations revealed that the deceased were in fact man and wife. Police initially suspected some kind of murder or suicide pact but it became apparent that the pair had been separated for several months - neither could have known that the other would have been out driving that night - it was just a terrible coincidence. 6. Michael Dick had been travelling around the UK with his family to track down his daughter, Lisa - who he had lost contact with ten years earlier. After a long fruitless search, he approached the Suffolk Free Press, who agreed to help him by putting an appeal in their newspaper. Fortunately, his long lost daughter saw the appeal and the pair were reunited. The odd thing was, his daughter had been right behind him when the free paper took the photograph - shown in the photograph above. What are the chances of that! 7. A fifteen year old pupil at Argoed High School in North Wales was to sit his GCSE examinations in 1990. His name was James Bond - his examination paper reference was 007. 8. In 1965, at the age of four, Roger Lausier was swimming off a beach in Salem - he got into difficulties and was saved from drowning by a woman called Alice Blaise. In 1974, on the same beach, Roger was out on a raft when he pulled a drowning man from the water - amazingly, the man he saved was Alice Blaise's husband. 9. British cavalry officer Major Summerford was fighting in the fields of Flanders in the last year of WW1, a flash of lightning knocked him off his horse and paralysed him from his waist down. He moved to Vancouver, Canada, six years later, whilst out fishing, Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again and the right side of his body became paralysed. After two years of recovery, it was a summer's day and he was out in a local park, a summer storm blew up and Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again - permanently paralysing him. He died two years after this incident. However, four years after his death, his stone tomb was destroyed - it was struck by lightning! 10. Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time. At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it! ALL ABOUT ADELE A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure aunt." said the man. Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years... Blonde Getting It Hard Show Kite Boarding Mishap Weightlifting Accident Gun It And Run It Webcam Hotness Under The Radar Self Taser Test High Qual Advertising An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms so the man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said. The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice. The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Mother of Mary, he's right... Farty-two!" OFFICE NOTES A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door..." CAN CARS Some Stooge Subject: PoseHey Mr ORSM! Love your work, as always! Some people should think about their poses before posting pics on Facebook... Simply the worst pose/facial expression combo I've ever seen. -Orsm Adrian Subject: Optical illusion...Optical Illusion: What Do You See? Well, what did you see first? Ass or Armpit? Never saw that armpit until it was pointed out... is that good or bad...? -Orsm Brent Subject: Fucked up artHello from the states orsm! First time contributor here. Stumbled upon this on facebook not too long ago... Medieval playboy bunnies? Luke Subject: Story of a "Fake Perth Cabbie"Hey Mate, Long time supporter and referrer, blah blah etc etc. Great site I might add too! Always entertaining! Attached is the story of of a "Fake Perth Cabbie" on Ninemsn National News, Friday Oct 16 2009. Take note of the opening paragraph and the perpetrator's name. Piss funny! Keep up the good work mate! Terry Subject: Medal of Honor Winner You're a 19 year old kid. You're critically wounded and dying in the jungle in the Ia Drang Valley ,on 11-14-1965, LZ X-ray , Vietnam. Your infantry unit is outnumbered 8 - 1 and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 or 200 yards away, that your own Infantry Commander has ordered the MediVac helicopters to stop coming in. [continues] Subject: AngelinaBeen a fan of your site for years....check out this girl I saw on myfreecams, the resemblence is crazy! If you decide to use it, please withhold my info. More . -Orsm Subject: Reader Mail picHello Mr ORSM. was checking out ABC I-View the other day when I discovered a somewhat unfortunate coincidence. See picture attached. Please withhold details. Cheers Ooops. -Orsm Taylor W Subject: Dumbass from work.Here is a kid I work with who for reasons beyond me had this picture on his phone and thought this would not get spread around if he sent it to one of us.... Prepare to laugh. Feel free to share my details Taylor from Phoenix, AZ chris Subject: IMGMr Orsm, love the site and appreciate your work, found this in a little strip mall outside of DC. I found it very amusing and thought I would pass it on Boring Sam Subject: ExmouthOrsm your site is the greatest and I wants to have your babies but until that happens here are pics of my weekend trip to Exmouth and Coral Bay. Steven Subject: Romance is not dead - Wellington - Ngaio GorgeI thought this might cheer you up a bit today :-) Brilliant. -Orsm Jay Subject: Alaska Bear attack on a Plane 2009 Apparently a bear attacked his plane while parked in a remote field up here in AK. He had not cleaned out the inside after a long fishing trip and the bear smelled it. He had 2 new tires, 3 cases of Duct Tape and several rolls of cellophane delivered. Then went about repairing the plane so he could fly it home. Gutsy, to say the least. V Subject: IQ test - Open in privateAnswer Just One Question. The Question: Without scrolling back up what colour is the seat belt? Good girl. -Orsm Terry Subject: OuchA few days ago, a person was recharging his mobile phone at home. Just at that time a call came in and he answered it with the Instrument still connected to the outlet. After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival. Cell phones are a very useful modern invention. However, we must be aware that it can also be an instrument of death. Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet! Subject: Weekend FuckHey Orsm, Just thought i'd share a few pics of a the girl I was fucking last weekend. Not exactly a keeper but boy does she know how to fuck and really filthy with it. Keep up the good work and withold my details. wrote: Subject: Front end failurethought this may interest you Considering those bad boys can hold over 300 tonnes that's impressive! -Orsm Subject: Carl Fogarty's garageCarl 'Foggy' Fogarty is the most successful World Superbike racer of all time in terms of the number of championships and number of race wins. Now retired, he is renowned for his high corner speed riding style, combined with an aggressive competitiveness, which netted him 59 victories and four World Superbike Championships (1994, 1995, 1998 and 1999). Damon Subject: Ahoy!Dear Mr. Orsm: Love the site, and after about, what? 10 years? you have the best blog on the web..worldwide! (fuck ernie! and ehowa) God bless. p.s.: attached are a few pics of the woman, feel free to use if you like, mate. p.p.s: your server is smoking this week! John wrote: Subject: Fish StoryYou will enjoy this story Mean looking little fucker./ -Orsm dale wrote: Subject: Powerpoint Presentation - Please reviewDont know if you have this as i havent been on your site for a couple of weeks if not, enjoy Old but never fails to get a groan... -Orsm On Her Back Dryer Prank Gone Wrong 1959 Vs 2000 Crash Test Blow Job Game Kramer goes to an optometrist and he's lead into a room where the doctor pulls down a small screen with letters. "Read me the bottom line, Mr. Kramer." "Sorry, Doc, I can't." "Okay, how about the line above that?" "Nope." "... the next one up?" "Nope." This goes on for a while with the optometrist pulling down progressively larger and larger eye charts with ever bigger letters. Finally, the doctor says, "Well, I've never had to use it before, but see if you can read this." With that, he pulled a lever, the wall collapsed and a giant 50 foot flaming orange "A" rose up out of the ground. "Now surely you can read THAT!" snarled the frustrated optometrist. "Sorry, Doc, but I can't." "Then, man, you must be blind!" "Oh no, Doc, my eyesight's fine. I just never learned how to read!" SILVIA SAINT It so is. Check it... IT IS NOT A CADDY'S PLACE TO COMMENT...   Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"   Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."   Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."   Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"Caddy: "Eventually."   Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."   Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."   Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."   Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."   Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."   Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." DEAD FLY ART Little Lucy was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Lucy. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But Lucy didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Lucy. And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" Juicy Threeway Parking Garage Accident Scared Puppy The Immigration Song Congratulations on making it to the end of the update. If you've come this far [ie. You didn't close the window and move on with your life] then the following information may be of some help to you... . It's where all the update for the past 9 years are secretly hidden. - Next update will be next Thursday because that's sort of my thing. otherwise my friend Ray's dog will take a shit on your lawn... EVERY day. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP common sense. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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