Page2RRS

• 08 Oct 2009 16:02

  2009.10.08-23.09 Welcome to Orsm.net. Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read... but look at you havin' a go...!! That that that thaaaaaaaat time again. What time? THAT time. Spring... and everything's feeling all... springy. Probably a bit too early to herald the end of winter but shit is definitely warmer, the skies bluer, the days longer [despite no more daylight saving boo] and hay fever is rearing it's runny nose. Happy times ahead... it won't be long before weekends are devoted to beach, cruising and cleavage appreciation. So I guess its official: Australians are giant racists. If by some chance you missed it - a few white guys painted their faces black to perform [what was supposed to be] a humorous sketch on a TV talent segment and suddenly the sky is falling. Even poor Harry Connick Jr. was upset and he told us so. To be honest I don't really understand what all the fuss is about. Well that's not quite right. I understand it, but it doesn't quite click. Essentially it was just a couple of dudes trying to get a laugh. No malice intended. Where I'm from, my friends, my family, my sheltered corner of the universe, everything is more easy going and I'd say this is the way for most Aussies which probably explains why it went to air in the first place. I won't kid anyone by saying racism isn't an issue here but the connotations of the 'blackface' are mostly lost on us... until the media picks up the story and it spreads causing worldwide condemnation anyway. Whatever the deal you can bet no one will ever make the mistake again... Moving on... Im'a bablle on about my week now because it's been a pretty bloody good one. Pace is still set to 'ridonkulous' which is challenging but better busy than bored... or so they tell me. Had a thousand things to do Friday but the highlight was lunch with my cousin. One of those once or twice a year things that I always look forward to so we can exchange gossip and swear to god we'll never become like our parents. From there it was off to run various errands and eventually land at another family members place to explain how to use their new iPhone, iTunes, iTunes with iPhone and numerous other things anyone this side of 40 takes for granted. "So it can listen to a song and tell you the name? Amazing! And did you know I can be in Hong Kong and still get my email!? Things have changed since my day!". Painful. Saturday was nonstop, every possible minute filled. Up early, dilemma of what to buy friends for an engagement present [ended up being gift vouchers and incidentally that's all anyone is ever going to be getting in future], quick grocery shopping and home to get changed for the 12pm engagement party. Always have my doubts when these things are held at nonstandard times but was definitely one of the better ones I've been to. Unsurprisingly though a large portion of the conversation was devoted to weddings and why wouldn't it be? Between Feb and April next year there are [I think] seven weddings, five of which [I know] I'm invited to. Very happy for all of them but let's face facts here - $100 for an engagement present, $100 for a wedding present. That's some pretty serious coin and you basically have to get blind drunk at both to get your money's worth. Don't know about you guys but I'm up for the challenge. Sunday lovely Sunday woke up on the dot of 7.05am with a leg cramp which I'm still feeling the effects of and segued into the final stages of my kitchen renovation project. That in itself took the entirety of the so called 'day of rest' but I'm proud to say everything is now done... except fitting door handles... re-plastering walls... tiling... painting... installing a rangehood...  fixing the sagging ceiling... and... and... it's never going to be finished is it...? Anyway. That's more than enough blogging for a week. I could go on but it would be tantamount to a B grade film - people know its there but most of them are going to skip past it and head for the stuff they really want to see. So with that... check it... Play PokerFreakout #7Stinky FingerSpin DoggyFountain SurfingWrong HoleAccordian KingFreaky BJ Skinny BlondeNaomi's NipsAngry Fat GuyComin' On!Monkey PunchRihanna Hotness50 Faceplants Brazillian ButtsBombed BuggyRapper FailShark RiderTongue TwisterHot SausageDemon Bird Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?" The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the fuck is a potato clock?" And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'" What's the best way to tell if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit. His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Aye, she spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!" Big Tit Girlfriend Dog Rapes Junkie Musical Wedding Blue Angel Fly By Sensational Footjob Impressive Bus Accident Sweet Georgia Tractor Band Fatty On A Moped A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The salesman there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!" The husband said "The what?" The man repeated "The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The salesman then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the salesman said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." The voodoo penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she was exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me." The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right ...Voodoo Penis, my arse...!" The rest, as they say, is history. LEXI BELLE An Aussie truckie walks into an outback café with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke," and turns to the emu, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke." The emu says, "I'll have the same." Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well, love" says the truckie, "a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the bloody emu?" The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say." We Like Em Chubby Steak Of War Retarded Mosh Yorkshire Pizza Awesome Handy Subaru Track Rollover Patti Lupone Freakout Scooter Vs Tree After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine. As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked "So, you had a 69 before you came here eh?" Brian exasperated asked "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?" The Dentist replied "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead..." [BIG] AREOLA A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied."Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me". "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was a English Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long". DAMN SEAGULLS is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Mega amounts of mail this week. Suppose that means I'm doing something right... or something wrong... depending on how you look at it. That said, I implore you dudes to keep it up. There's nothing else yours truly would rather do than sit up all night sorting through my stretch marked inbox so if you have pics, vids, jokes, RS or anything you can jam down the internets then you should click here and do it and do it NOW. junior Subject: Beautiful!Long story short, a couple of pissed up locals try to give a couple of trannies a kickin. Said trannies were cagefighters on a stag nite. Cue a world of ownage! Later! Short story long . -Orsm Rick Subject: Keep on keepin onYou Cunt, I just found out theres a hours extra entertainment from the links in your generally unreadable and verging on beastialic (if thats a word) ( give the pooch report a break man) boring repetitive story of your week ( fuck somebody and tell us about it already). This discovery should ensure that no work is done here for at least a week while i hit the archives. Anyway, thanks for making my day weekly for the last possibly 4 years. (thurs is orsm and the guardian youtube classics day) Shhh it's a secret. They're usually just cool shit that gets submitted or I stumble across that doesn't really have a place anywhere else on the site. It's an orsm value-add. Always worth clicking because you don't know what you'll turn up. Another secret is I post these throughout the week on my Twitter [when I have the time]. -Orsm Christopher Subject: pressurisation answeresFirst off that picture has been floating around for a long time. The stroy is a contractor was using his own, uncallibrated, equipment a didn't realize the gauge he was looking at was off. So instead of running it up to the correct psi, he doubled it and blew the fucking plane up. And it's not rarely that planes get pressurized on the ground, happens a lot. Gordon Subject: Soldiers in Iraq without body armor - Can you donate?THIS IS A SHAME!!!!! Where the hell is Congress on this issue? MAKE SURE EVERYONE YOU KNOW IS AWARE OF THIS! There are still some US soldiers in Iraq without body armor! This is terrible! And they continue to put on a brave and happy face! Amazing courage! IS COMMANDER IN CHIEF BARACK OBAMA AWARE HIS COMBAT TROOPS ARE LACKING PROTECTIVE BODY ARMOR? Subject: Cat Living On The EdgeTook this pic in the main St of Werribee Vic. Talk about living in the edge. Please hide my details. Smear Yogo All Over Subject: NEW Speed Camera LooksHave a look at the new speed camera set up recently on Albany Highway across the road from Carousel Shopping Centre in Cannington. These are going to be interesting to spot.. I heard if you drive through at over 200kmh they can't bust you... -Orsm Tomas Subject: Editing FailJust grazing some of my other favourite sites. Would this constitute an "editing out your face" fail? :-) [link] Clever girl. -Orsm DP Subject: Girlfriends boobsHey orsm, I've been going to your site for years now! My girlfriend just moved to college and we've been webcamming a lot so I snapped a shot of her tits. Enjoy. Please withhold my information. And they say long distance relationships don't work?! -Orsm Richard Subject: ravensthorperidge.com.auRavensthorpe Ridge. FREE FIREARM WITH EVERY BLOCK SOLD. At first I thought only in America but apparently its right here in our beautiful southwest. Make sure you read the newspaper clipping. Apparently firearms"can be used by all the family for fun" Steven Subject: Tender FAIL - names changed to protect the guilty A friend just sent me this extract from a tender prepared by a business that his company is associated with. It was about to go out to a customer before his boss proofed it for them and found a teeny, tiny little snafu... see if you can spot it.Hint - look closely at the screenshot. You may need to zoom in. Subject: Emailingfound this floating around the internet look at the guy in the background makes me want 2 cringe with hold all of my information please your valued viewer No doubt about his parentage. Definitely bro/sis. -Orsm djo Subject: photohey. it's been a while since I first thought of sending you this pic, but I never had the time. for info, this is a french plate... have a nice & orsm day Subject: EmailingMy exgf please keep details hidden God damn. -Orsm Mummy Luv Subject: Pilbarahave attached pics from weekend. 4wd journey through the Pilbara.. Subject: bustyyo mr orsm, i met this chick online, she sent me some pics and i was stunned...can´t you tell why? ;) these boobs are oversized and look real to me ;) hide my details You got played dude... that's Faith from inbedwithfaith.com. More here. -Orsm Subject: goodtimes barsorry about quality of oic took it with my phone. wet t-shirt contest in mason county west virginia. please dont show my info Supaduck Subject: Pirate EliminatorHeres a rather handy tool to have ..we could do with a couple of these over here to wipe out the illeagal whaling. Subject: Check this hot slit!Howsit ORSM! First time contributor, long time viewer. Here are a few pictures of my flaming hot lady friend's great hole, I've got a lot more, but that stays mine :P. Please keep my details private. Subject: Texas Apartment LivingSee attached... I haven't read the page 5 of my lease agreement lately, but I think it covered off topics like "Stopping Power - 357 Magnum vs 45 cal" and "Locating the centre body mass of burglars entering through windows". Long time fan of your work, keep kicking against the pricks mate. DtM Subject: ouchHow not to use the escape line on a drilling rig Ooops! -Orsm Subject: Drone bombers - flown in Afganistan, controlled from USAThese controllers are at an Agency facility in Nevada and are each flying a drone thousands of miles away in the combat zone. The drone 'Predators' are fuelled, serviced and armed in Afghanistan by CIA technicians, but flown by Agency Controllers in the U.S. Their left hand is on the throttle controlling the drone's engine. Note all the buttons which perform various tasks without removing the hand from the throttle. The right hand is flying the plane. This is great modern warfare. Moutful Of Cum Bad Landing At St. Barts Deep Sleep Boxer 1959 Vs 2000 Crash Test NOTES FOR THE MILKMANApparently actual notes left for the Milkman... "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one." "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.""Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it." "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.""Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way 'round." "When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.""Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's SOPRANOS. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?" "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?""Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me." "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.""From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk." "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.""Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday... or is it today?" "When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.""No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice." VERONICA This is a good one for no other reason than I fucking said so. But I know you guys will agree anyway... because I fucking said so. Check it... There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs? She responded, "It's my washcloth". Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother: "What happened to your washcloth?" The mother responded that she had lost it. The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mummy, Mummy! I found your washcloth!" The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face with it!" WOULD YOU EAT HERE? A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Steve." I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home. Gently Ride It Crazy Granny Boating & Morons Don't Mix The Milk Challenge Okay enough. Please hold whilst I transfer you to the last bit... . They're spry. - I can hardly believe it myself but next update will be next Thursday. otherwise my friend Ray will do everything in his power. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Spring [in the Valley]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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