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01 Oct 2009 12:51
2009.10.01-23.06 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Hey Hey it's Thursday!
Had a pretty good feeling that I'd return from my break to mayhem but this is a touch on the ridiculous side. Haven't stopped moving for two weeks straight and I'm not particularly sure where the energy is coming from. Sadly, I brought it all upon myself which is making it tough to blame on others. Believe me I've tried but there just isn't an obvious scapegoat.
Pretty sure I've just had a popular music revelation. Simply - 99% of current charted music is complete and utter, boring, repetitive, over produced crap. Not exactly news - there's always been shit out there to hate but with a few of the latest offerings we've finally peaked.
I was never one of those kids at school who idolised Metallica or AC/DC or hung out with a particular genre loving group. If I liked it, I listened and didn't care who it was, where it came from or if the metal lovers thought it was 'gay' and that's the way it's always been. Anyway for some reason lately I've been listening to commercial radio. Unusual because I tend to dwell on the 'talk' stations due to my strong need for news and sport [football] talk. There's also a new digital TV channel which plays the top 50 or whatever late nights so I've been watching that before sleep. In other words my exposure to what's popular is up a million percent.
Now this would be fine and dandy except all the current top 50 stuff is a debacle. Fuck knows when it happened or who's responsible but at this point I'm finding it hard to feel sorry for the poor record companies or starving artists losing millions to illegal downloads when this is what they serve up.
Examples? I have oh-so-many but let's start with the whiny, grinding noise of 'Flo Rida and Nelly Furtado - Jump'. Makes me fucking cringe and is an immediate switch off. 'Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling' is just retarded....mazel tov - seriously? The winner though is 'Guy Sebastian - Like it Like That' for the most unoriginal original song ever recorded. 'I like it like that' apparently the best this Aussie music god can come up with. Maybe if I was 15, less jaded, easier to impress, this shit would be okay but it's also the reason my car CD player is loaded with music worth listening to like Dire Straits, Michael Jackson and Fleetwood Mac.
Moving on... as I mentioned way up the top it's been hectic around here. Trying to catch up on the backlog has been time consuming, creating world class updates the same deal, friends in town, plus all the usual shit has stretched me like a gangbang world champion. There was also the undertaking of my new kitchen. Whilst I didn't quite underestimate what was involved, certain aspects took longer than anticipated. The good thing though is after making a start Friday afternoon, emptying the existing cupboards, waiting for electiricians and plumbers, assembling the flat packed cupboards, removing the nasty old ones, installing the new ones and in the process losing the entire long weekend the kitchen is pretty close to finished... basically just need to fit drawers and hang the doors. Nothing I haven't done before so with some luck, a lunch and engagement party out of the way, everything will be finished by Sunday. Of course there is still another weekend or two required to reclad walls but one damn thing at a time okay? Geez...
Okay should probably stop holding you bastards up. You're probably wondering if you should have bothered reading the blog babble or skipped straight to the cool stuff... the answer being the latter. I put in the hours compiling this bad boy so if you don't enjoy/appreciate/respect it then send me your address so I can come around and we can talk about it. Check it...
The GameOktoberfest BabesSophine Monk NakedAwesomenessEpic KOShear MeAmatuer Group Sex
Ann AngelBoob Is RightBacon Is GoodHawtie BabesViral-tasticHuman TetrisStrongman Contest
Oriental DelightsLong BombThe GoodsEat That!SYTYCD VaginaGay GaryShowoff Loser - Slip N' Slide
Col, the country lawyer, came across an old client outside the Alice Springs Court - an Aboriginal lady who was beaming from ear to ear. She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm and a slab of Fosters under the other. "G'day Mary" says Col "what are you looking so happy about today?" "Just been to da fambly court, Col and look, I got half da house and half da contents!" Had sex with a deaf and dumb girl last night and felt so ashamed this morning I broke all her fingers so she couldn't tell anyone. I saw a Paki drowning the other day and instantly contacted the emergency services. I hope they find him or it would have been the waste of a stamp! What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker? I cried when I cut up the onion. A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the fucking Post Office, you wanker."
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: a) You can immediately shank a lay-up, or, b) You can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt than a 10 foot one... Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.It's not a ‘gimme' if you're still 5 metres away. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; ie. back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. Hazards attract; fairways repel. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint or embedded in the far sidewall. It's easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 a.m. to mow the lawn.A good drive and 2nd shot on to the 18th green has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs if you are performing Brain Surgery!!!!
HAPPY GOLFING...
PERFECTION: MELISSA LAUREN 
MAMMOGRAMSMany women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turnover and repeat with the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE:Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
THERE! YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
THE INVISIBLE MAN 
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
UGLY IS YOU 
Mail mail mail. Plenty to get through today so I'll cut straight to the part where tell you guys if you don't get busy rapidly firing emails to webmaster@orsm.net then the repercussions will be swift, brutal and painful. SO... for your own well being... get busy with your pics, jokes, vids and various oddities. But in the mean time - check it...
Gerrit Subject: RE Reggie or "Tank"[Link] It's a nice story though, well written. The tennisballs were a nice touch :)
Poor little puppy. -Orsm
David Subject: Filthy KnickersTo Orsm, to pass on to the filthy knickers bloke. How about pics of the hot model - not her fucking undies. Nood preferably.Jason Subject: Found digi camera picsHoly fucking fuck, that is just fucking unfair. It's unfucking fair that chicks that hot exist. It's unfucking fair that chicks that hot get that freaky. And it's mostly unfucking fair that the ugly small dicked wanker that they get freaky on isn't me. FUUUUUUUUUCK! Thanks mate, at least they're in my dreams now.
Can only assume he is offensively rich... -Orsm
Deano Subject: Royal Show - Babes Babes Babes!As far as girl watching goes, I would have to say the Perth Royal Show is worth the price of admission just for that aspect alone. I took the afternoon off work today and went. Fuck! Ball tingling babes dressed like porno strippers were everywhere. Mounds of jiggling tit flesh in push-up bras and tiny denim cut-off hot pants were making my eyes water. I am totally impressed with the fat-cracking jizz-magnets we have in this fair land. Even the teen hotties working in the fast food and show bag stalls were wank fodder and most were far more friendly than normal shop staff in Perth. Guys, if you haven't been to the show for a while, make sure you get along next year but be prepared to wank yourselves to death afterwards!
For anyone who has no idea what the Royal Show is click . Basically an extravaganza of lollies, chocolate, fast food and a very large sideshow alley full of screaming brats... and boobs apparently! -Orsm
Subject: Queensland PoliceHey Mr. Orsm, Been a long time perv of our site :o) can you please show this link so everyone can see what the Police are like in Queensland - just to warn em in case the go there, even if they google 'surfers paradise police' two shocking vids come up - both very bad. Please keep my details private too :o) thanks - love the website as do all of my friends I've recommended it to.
Adam
Subject: Do you find grand final time stressful?
Do you find grand final time stressful? Does the cost of expensive grand final tickets cause you concern? Do you fly into a panic trying to organise interstate travel and accommodation at short notice for the grand final? Are you driven to despair by the complicated process of grand final ticket ordering systems? Does the shortage of grand final tickets and the likelihood that competing club members will miss out get you down?Don't panic. Don't despair. A solution is at hand... SUPPORT FREMANTLE INSTEAD. No need for expensive grand final travel and accommodation. No grand final ticket angst. Give Grand Final stress the heave-ho. Support Freo. No flags, no worries.
Subject: Thought I'd share these
Hey Mr ORSM, Long time watcher - first time contributor. Thought you might like to take a look at my wife's awesome titties, so here goes Hide my details please. Keep up the good work M8Gorgeous boobs and we the people demand more! -Orsm
Subject: Merc for sale pic...Gotta see.Hi, We came across this bargain Merc for sale on the side of the road during our recent 4x4 trip into Botswana. Check it out. Imagine what you could pick up for a sheep or a cow!!!!!!!! If you use this please keep my details hidden.. Thanx. PS: I really think your site is cool..
martin Subject: here 1 - 4 ya. sky news uk / michael jacksonsky news screen capture from michael jacksons funeral with a bit of bad timing from the sports ticker. good on ya mate. keep up the good work
Subject: unfortunate tipHi Geezer, love the site etc. Here is a screenshot that I thought was a little amusing in all the wrong ways..........
Subject: Jacked JesusSeeing this as a child really would have really helped foster my belief in "a mighty god." Seen on the outside of a public restroom in Prague. Hide my details.
mike
Subject: Damn Economy
Damn economy. This poor girl can't even afford a pair of decent jeans. Another Victim of the Economy... and I don't suppose you noticed that the 'poor little thing' has no shoes! HA!!!!!
Subject: some stuff for you to look at...
a contradiction from the weather bureau, in the same day !!!Not really surprising. The BoM is useless. Forecast rain, you get sunburn. Forecast long dry summer, we get wettest summer in 14,000 years. -Orsm
Dennis Subject: MY CHEATING WIFEDear Sir, I think the picture tells the whole story. Enjoy your web sight, something new all the time. Take care, Dennis.
Subject: PicsHowdy. Someone around Calgary, Alberta, Canada has a real talent for respelling these portable signs; this is one of several we've seen. As for the sperm facial...the wife had a laugh when she saw the sign! The sausagefest was at school a few years ago, and went very well. S.O.P.
greg Subject: Jet BoatsG'day mate, great site, blah, blah, blah.... Went to a round of the national Jet-Boat champs at Round Mountain in noorthern NSW last weekend, appologies for the phone-cam pics....
Urban Golf Australia Subject: Australian Urban GolfWorld Urban Golf Day was held on saturday the 26th of September. The morning was foreboding with the danger of another dust storm thick in the air and howling gusts ripping through the streets. At just after midday as the wind died down the day was underway with a sea of bright blue and orange World Urban Golf Day t-shirts weilding clubs and smashing brightly coloured balls around a 3 block radius of the venue.
Subject: mr orsm Dear mr orsm long time fan first time poster heres a couple of pics of an ex of mine please with hold my details
Stuart Subject: Pressurisation problems !!Worth a look. As most will know, aeroplanes are pressurised when airborne, so to keep the cabin air is as close to the pressure on the ground, mainly for comfort reasons of course. Aeroplanes are usually pressurised at about 9 psi, so whilst the aeroplane is flying at altitude, the cabin would be equal to, say, around 10,000 feet. On rare occasions aeroplanes have to be tested on the ground... See attached.
Ky
Subject: funny rent boy story
Hi, Been a massive fan of your site for many years now! good work keep it up buddy!!!! Anyway, there is a point to this email. A pretty funny story exposing my friend's sister's fella as the cock sucking rent boy that he is. Her name is Clare and has been going out with this "Married man" for a while. Romours around the local pub was that he was doin a bit of knob lovin so she decided to try and catch him out. Followed him into the nearest city one evening to catch him getting into the back of a van with another guy.--Ken-- Subject: Show them to me......Howdy Mr. Orsm, Your site just keeps getting better and better, much appreciated! Long time visitor and have submitted before and submitting again. Here some H-cups of a gal I shagged. She is a little on the thick side but hot in the sack. AINT SKEERED to show my details.
PAUL Subject: School Answering MachineThis is the message that the Maroochydore High School, Queensland, Australia, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
Gladys Dunn had recently moved into a retirement community in a small town. One beautiful Sunday morning she walked to church not far from her apartment. She was in awe of the beautiful church, as well as music from the choir.
She wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was kind of boring, and as she looked around the church, she noticed that many of the parishioners were nodding off. When the reverend finished, he encouraged his congregation to greet those sitting close to him.
Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake up. He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile. She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn." "You and me both!" the man replied.
VENDULA MAGIC 
... and on and on and on and on until the end of time. It's RS. Check it the fuck out...
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate, sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin" me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
GRIZZLY GUY 
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Bert, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Bert replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *POOF*, the light goes on. When I'm done, *POOF*, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife. "Ethel," he says, "Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *POOF*!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *POOF* the light goes off?" "OH MY GAWD!" Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again!!"
Well that be all. Except the outro thingy that is:
. You don't know what you're missing I assure you. - Next update will be next Thursday. Yeah it will. otherwise my friend Ray will pretend he didn't hear you say the safe word...
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and thank you September for all your awesomeness. I'll never forget you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Bend Over
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