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17 Sep 2009 23:30
2009.09.17-22.74 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Dude... take a chillaxative.
Why no blog this week you wonder disappointedly? Two reasons. Firstly, after asking Ray to give it another whirl last week I was left gobsmacked and in awe... mostly for the wrong reasons. Second. I'm still away and would rather be out doing shit than sitting on my laptop typing away. So what to do, what to do? When all else fails - resort to humour...
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her. "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend." John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said."Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" -- Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?""I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?" -- Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a heart murmur - be careful". -- A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is. "My life is awful," the man says. "Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me." "Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?" the bartender asks."I love the game," the man says. "I'm a genius. I never lose." The bartender is confused. "I thought you just said your wife beats you." "Yeah," the man says, "she's a sore loser." -- Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says "Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99." -- Jesus walks into the Holiday Inn, throws three nails on the desk - and asks "can you put me up for the night?" -- The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."
Time 2 PlayPerfect BewbsMariah DrunkFree SlapsBlonde SwingerAwkwardShenanigansNature Freaks
Skin FTWBreast-quakeTiny EntourageAnastasiaPimped TractorFertilized
Hathaway TitsSkateBangULTRA Low - - Penis AlertJoanna KrupaChain ReactionFoul KidFrozen Bell
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!" "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them." replied the man. "What?" shouted the lawyer? "I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card." -- Q. How can you tell when an Aboriginal woman is having her period? A. She's only wearing one sock. -- Guy goes into crowded bar and has to stand next to a really nasty looking drunk. He orders a drink and after it comes he smells a god awful smell coming from the drunk. So he ask him "Did you fart?" The drunk says he didn't. A minute or two later the smell hits him again and even worse that before. A real gagger. He asks the drunk again did you fart. He says no, but the smell was making his eyes water and his nose to run so he asks "Did you shit yourself? The drunk replies, "Yes I did." So the guy asks him why don't you go clean yourself up. He says, "Cause I'm not through yet!"
COMMENTS MADE IN THE YEAR 1955
I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1, 000.00 will only buy a used one. If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter? If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it. I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President. I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet. It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business. Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on. There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood. If they think I'll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.
A FANTASY COME TRUE 
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centred on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz". Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious..."
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc...
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool... again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?
I SHOT MYSELF 
21 REASONS NOT TO HAVE KIDS
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I've learned from my children:A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever.No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
YOU CAN'T PARK THERE! 
Same as last week - whole motherload of various bits and shits to fill the deep, painful void left by section. Why? Because I'm happily well the fuck away from the computer and all email is going unread until my return. I doubt there will be too many complaints - there are some fucking great vids below. Hours of entertainment. Check 'em...
The old tight fisted farmer married a young bride. Soon she became pregnant. The farmer took his wife to the doctor. He asked the doctor, "How much is this going to cost?" The doctor replied, "With prenatal care, hospital stay…." "Just give me the bottom line," said the farmer. The doctor replied, "Around $5,000." "WHAT!?" said the farmer. "I've birthed enough animals myself, I think we'll just rely on good old Mother Nature." With that the farmer and his too trusting wife left.
About a year later the farmer and doctor meet on the street. The doctor says, "Hello there. How did your wife's delivery go?" "Just fine," replied the farmer. "No problems," asked the doctor? "Well," replied the farmer. "To be perfectly honest, I did have a hell of a time making her eat the after birth."
A TOUCH OF HEATHER 
TOP 10 FEMALE REJECTION LINES
WHAT SHE SAYS: I think of you as a brother. TRANSLATION: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
WHAT SHE SAYS: There's a slight difference in our ages. TRANSLATION: I don't want to do my dad.
WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. TRANSLATION: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.
WHAT SHE SAYS: My life is too complicated right now. TRANSLATION: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.
WHAT SHE SAYS: I've got a boyfriend. TRANSLATION: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.
WHAT SHE SAYS: I don't date men where I work. TRANSLATION: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.
WHAT SHE SAYS: It's not you, it's me. TRANSLATION: It's you.
WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm concentrating on my career. TRANSLATION: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.
WHAT SHE SAYS: I'm celibate. TRANSLATION: I've sworn off only the men like you.
WHAT SHE SAYS: Let's be friends. TRANSLATION: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.
TOP 10 MALE REJECTION LINES (TRANSLATED!)
WHAT HE SAYS: I think of you as a sister. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: There's a slight difference in our ages. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: My life is too complicated right now. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: I've got a girlfriend. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: I don't date women where I work. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: It's not you, it's me. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: I'm concentrating on my career. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: I'm celibate. TRANSLATION: You're ugly.
WHAT HE SAYS: Lets be friends. TRANSLATION: You're sinfully ugly.
A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said "PIGS FOR SALE". Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth.
"Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds." Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result.
The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.
After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt. "What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer. "I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy." "Busy doing what?" "Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."
WEDDING SERBIAN STYLE 
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings.
After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more".
The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?" The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."
Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?""She's standing here next to me." The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!" The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
Time to bail this bitch. Just one more thing before I do...
. Trust me - you'll regret not doing it. - Next update will be next Thursday. That's right, right...?otherwise my friend Ray will kick up a really big fuss.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and dance like no one is watching. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Dorm Fuckers
Basketball Jazzercize
Drunk Day In The Park
Don't Lick Me There!
Bedroom Romp
Sheep Vs Toyoya
Cheerleader Falls On Her Face
Psycho Singaporean Woman
Brunette Loves It
Pajero Roll Over
J-Boy Rocker
Toilets Too Far
Hidden Office Cam Fuck
Fun With Tanks
Ducklings Bathtime
Human Candle
Crazy Subway Guy
Car Head
Experiment Goes Bang
Samurai Baseball
Overly Enthusiastic
Start Them Early
Outdoor Oral
Urinal Doing It Wrong
Treadmill Slip Up
School Bus Burnout
What A Loser
In The Butt
Jet Boat Parking
Under The Hood
Under Road Explosive Device
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