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04 Feb ' 00:34
2012.02.02-20.31 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Complexly profound
So much for the quiet January I'd promised myself. My exact words were "I'm not booking every fucking minute of every fucking day like the past year has been". Poor English it were but the fact remains there was nowhere near enough downtime. The constant must-hurry-up-and-finish-because-I-have-somewhere-to-be has set an annoying precedent for the year ahead. The next few months are filling up rapidly and that's without the random things that will inevitably just pop up. Its times like these I wish for a simple life, a 9 to 5 job, no commitments and the ability to say no. So I'm going to do that - I've already put the kibosh on a highly gay country music 'performance' tomorrow night. Why? Because I fucking hate country music. I'd rather jump off a bridge with a gun and put a bullet in my head halfway down to make sure the job is done than have to endure some clown in a cowboy hat twanging away. Country is to music what women's tennis is to sport. It's annoying although people seem to like it and that's a sign there's something wrong with them.
Alright let's move on to other events. Starting with Thursday - the moment the pen went down on last week's update I was up and out the door to try and soak up what was left of the heat and Day holiday. Destination was a friends place for beer and some light socialising. It wasn't long after that it began to rain. How it goes from almost 42°C to raining I have no idea but it was a nice way to break up the heatwave. Traditionally the evening has a huge fireworks display in the city over the river and I usually find some way to watch from somewhere however getting drenched or struck by lightning didn't really appeal. Decided instead to camp at home, crank up the aircon and do sweet fuck all.
T'was back to full heat Friday and thought it would be a good way to test myself so jumped on the bike and punched out 20 kilometres before coming home to walk the pooch. All the usual shit followed from there - activities pertaining to replenishment of fridge and cupboard areas and the afternoon spent parked at the PC working working. The magic of that night was wholly to do with the GF being away and ability to watch whatever film I wanted to. There's been a distinct lack of anything violent or gory since the cohabitation commenced several months ago and this was rectified with Final Destination 5. Highly recommend based on the gymnast death scene alone.
To punish myself for being liberal with M&M's the night before it was back on the bike and back in the swelter for another 25 kilometres. From there it was destination dog beach. Had high hopes for a bikini bonanza but it was disappointingly quiet. Spent the rest of the day hiding in an artificially cooled house, again feverishly hacking away at the spread sheet crap I mentioned last week before heading off to dinner at friends place for a few quiet wines.
Early start Sunday to beat the heat [yes it's been fucking hot here] and wash two cars. Some [read: me] might say it's ironic that despite being particularly anal when it comes to beach or any other type of sand entering a vehicle, I had to spend so much time removing it. Immediately following this three hour orgy of beautification it was in the shower and out the door for a mates birthday lunch. Good food, great company and a fun time had by all but I unfortunately lost count of how many times I was asked when the pitter patter of little feet would be heard coming from my/our direction. Matter of fact I lost count how many times I was asked over the whole weekend and I'm convinced this is payback from the universe. For years I've seized upon every "I'm not feeling well" or "I have a headache" and "my back is sore" to accuse various chick friends of being with child. And no this is not a subtle hint that any such being exists.
And with that let's get on with things. I have absolutely no doubt you guys will enjoy this update more than you've ever enjoyed anything in your entire lives. Big call? That's unpossible. Check it...
Too AddictiveSexy MexicanWeird BoobageHottest ChicksInstant RegretAntwon SnapsHot Lesbians
Sweet TittiesRepugnantSympathy WankHostess FacialOh Hell Yes!Hawk Wins Butt SexBaaaad Vaj
Feisty SlutHere'll DoBikini BootayBeach TitsDementedHorrificHulk Porn - Phone Sexy - Good Deed
Google: 'define an english person'. When in India recently I saw a sign that said 'English speaking taxi driver'. I thought to myself 'What a brilliant idea... why don't we have them in Australia?' My girlfriend I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice fellow I am, I thought: "Bugger it, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again! An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water" says the priest. The trooper says "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!" The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff". She looked at me and said "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?" A nun is sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who is eating prawns. Every time he eats one, he spits the head at her and she throws it out the window. Eventually she gets angry and pulls the emergency cord. The Muslim looks at her and says "You'll get fined $250 for doing that you infidel slut". She laughs and says "When I cry 'rape' and they smell your fingers you'll get 20 years, you towel-headed camel-fucker".
DUMB CRIMINALS
-A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
-A defendant facing drug possession charges on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a 'bulge' in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he took a five minute recess to compose himself.
-A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
-Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said "I should have blown your fucking head off!" The defendant paused then quickly added "if I'd been the one that was there". The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
-Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
-Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused saying "Because I don't believe you are over 21". The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested him two hours later.
-The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a line-up of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes". The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out "That isn't what I said".
-In Nashville, they tell of Fred 'Junior' Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
-In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
-In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid being identified in a 7-11 robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
-Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim and blurted "Yes officer, that's the woman I robbed".
-Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
-An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
-A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and nabbed him.
-A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants" said police. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
-In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
EVERY HOLE PENETRATED 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too" says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer".
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous!" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money".
"I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus" says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right" replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?" "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course" the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement and says "What the FUCK would they want with a plasterer??!"
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes".
So the woman freed the frog and the frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" "That's okay" said the woman.
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me".
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you!" The woman said "That's okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine".
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish. She answered "I'd like a mild heart attack".
Moral of the story: Women are bitches.
GIRLS KISSING GIRLS 
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behaviour of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000".
BUSTED CAR SEX 
Subject: Great PSAHello there Mr. Orsm. Long time reader, first time submitter. Love your sight and I wanted to help a little with your next update. Here is a twofer, first great looking chick in lingerie and a secondly a useful PSA.
Will Subject: Dating profileI just came across and thought you might like it!
I'm guessing this is pretty typical of most womens experiences on dating websites. She does come off as a touch conceited though. -Orsm
JD Subject: Where is the cat??????In case you are bored! Do not share this photo unless u find the cat ..... where is the cat? It is there, took me about 30 seconds to find it.
It's definitely there. Found it in about 5 seconds and I only say this so everyone knows how fucking amazing I am. -Orsm
Michael Subject: More funny picsWhat are they trying to sell!!!
Does this count as a photobomb? -Orsm
tyrone Subject: Random shite!Thought you could use this on random shite. My mate in the marines went to London for a farewell, met up with this bird on the way in for a drink, smashed her back doors in and this is the result of the aftermath. He tell me she's a redhead, I've never met a redhead that doesn't like to fuck. Cheers pal! Love the site, keeps morale high of myself and the other lads in my troop! 
freak boy Subject: shark attackhi orsm. a local surfer was bitten by shark at redhead beach near newcastle, I didnt think much of it suspecting that the local paper beat up the story somewhat. that is until this photo did the rounds. its fucked up. dont know how much i will enjoy my next surf
That's going to leave a scar. -Orsm
Mike Subject: TatsWhere you have your tattoo's says far more about you that what they are!
Can't argue with any of them. -Orsm
psycheman Subject: South of FranceMr. Orsm.... Sorry, but your South of France pic was photoshopped. Here's the original complete with umbrella in the background.
Very good photoshop. -Orsm
Subject: Reader mailSaw this in dandenong. No details pls.
Robb Subject: for the 'yay, I fixed it' category...Hey Orsm, as a service tech, I see all sorts of crazy shit at people's homes.. This is Charlestown NH.. Gotta keep those bugs out, you know.. You rock. 
JD wrong: Subject: Baywatch - Kaap stylYou've scarred me so, I'm passing this on, as I ain't gonna be the only one.
She's an Easter egg on legs. Now I want chocolate. -Orsm
Brent Subject: Christian Single AdThere's just something odd about this. First, I'm listening to Soundgarden's "Let Me Drown," and the other part is ... that chick is totally a slut. 
Chris Subject: FunnyFrom the toilet in the 'North Star' - Steventon, UK.
Sounds like hate shitting to me. -Orsm
Alex Subject: Too soon?Italian Cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday... 
SupaduckThe Costaplenty Concordia 
wrote: Subject: EmailingWhat Really Happened (XXX)
Understandable then. -Orsm
here some pics of the ex she owes me $$$$ so fuck it. ps dont show contact details
MY EYES! MY EYES! -Orsm
Subject: stuffGet on mate, Happy Australia Day! A few pics of bootleg gear..... Hide details as always! Keep on keepin' on - still making Thursdays worth getting up for!! 
Mick wrote: Subject: Found on FacebookFound on Facebook. Cricket Yobbo's with obviously some closet issues. Great Site, keep up the good work
It's not gay until someone swallows. -Orsm
Subject: Hi Id like to send these pics inThis are pictures of my ex colombain girlfriend. I nailed her but she was nailing someone else. so here she is. please withhold the email. thanks
Joseph Subject: greeting Mr. OrsmHello sir, been about 5 years since i have shared something with your glorious site. But i think you'll enjoy these. found a cell phone in the snow today and it fired right up, these pics were on it and i just wanted to share with all. Better withhold my info so this dude doesn't see and beat my ass, but i doubt he is cool enough to know about orsm.net. 
Anthony wrote: Subject: 23rd September 2010Pass this on as I think it is necessary for all travellers on this highway need to be informed for their own safety.
Challenge driving. This sounds like fun. -Orsm
Subject: hope this video entertains you!i put this video on youtube nearly 6 years ago and i think it deserves more hits than it has, hope you like it enough to put it on your site! the guy in the middle had kno idea what was goin to happen to him! love the site! hide my details thanks! enjoy; [Youtube link 
Mr Duck Subject: EmailingBuilding the Sydney Harbour Bridge 
wrote: Subject: ZimbabweZIMBABWE EMBASSY - Rigged or what ????? Classic
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and was so overcome with her beauty and charm that he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal".
JOEY HART GETS HER PUSS OUT... JOY ENSUES 
Sammy was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her growler. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. "What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?" she asked. "It paid a fortune?" "Shit!" he said "I thought you were telling me the cunt was scratched!"
An Irish kid, an Italian kid and a black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie" he says. "Okay". They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing!" says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie". "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm black. Is that true? "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen".
LUSTFUL TYRA BANXXX 
OCCUPY PGA TOUR
I am a member of golf's 99%. I play golf, but have not yet made it to the professional level. I have played the game for over 40 years, but have not really put in the practice time and study to be the best. I also probably do not have the skills to really get there either.
However, I now feel that I should be paid by the successful professionals for trying. It isn't fair that those players who have worked harder, have studied the game, have better equipment and are stronger and more skilled should make all that money. Oh sure, they have their charities that they give millions of dollars to but I'm sure that they write all that off on their tax returns to reduce paying their fair share. Is that fair?
They should pay for my golf, buy me new equipment and pay me some of their winnings. The whole system should be changed to accommodate people like me!! Let's occupy a golf course and demand that those who are better at what they do pay for us who aren't as good. Whining should get us something, like media attention and sympathy from liberals!
And that, my feathered friends, is it however advised you read the following...
. Thank me later. - Next update will be next Thursday simply because. otherwise my friend Ray see to it that you're executed by scaphism.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay frosty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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26 Jan ' 05:33
2012.01.26-15.26 
Welcome to The People's Republic Of Orsm.
Kind of having an awesome week. GF out of town means I've been left to my own devices. Things that have changed include: no limitations on food spiciness [Blair's 2am in everything]; the toilet seat stays up; farts without consideration; no fucking Tupperware clogging up the fridge; no need to shave; absolutely no chance of watching/hearing the tennis; no harassment for smoking; can wear same clothes all week judgement free; far fewer dishes to clean; and most importantly - no joint decision making.
It's definitely summer. We're currently at day three of a forecast 14 thousand day heatwave. Nothing but 38-42°C [100-108°F] days and sticky nights. The media seems to be enjoying it more than most though - we're all idiots so stories about using sunscreen, staying hydrated and moderating alcohol are rife. It's also Australia Day today so the mad rush to get this update finished and perhaps escape outdoors to socialise in some capacity has been underway since early in the week.
Australia Day has been a hot topic around the country lately. No surprises there - it's a public holiday after all. We flock to beaches, have BBQ's, listen to the Hottest 100 Countdown and head for fireworks shows in the evening but most interesting was a study which concluded people who attach one or more Aussie flags to their cars are racist and the bigger the flag, the bigger the racist. Quite funny really. I have no doubt at least some of the flag bearers are racist but it's not a given unless the car has a 'fuck off we're full' sticker. The whole flag phenomenon seems to be borrowed from America. Up until a few years back we never really saw them although they're now commonplace this time of year. If anything it's bogan so the bigger the flag, the bigger the bogan.
Moving on to other relevant occurrences in my life. My one remaining unused Xmas present was tickets to an outdoor cinema. Now most people would think that being a present the recipient would get some say in what film they'd like to see but that wasn't the case. Instead I had to endure New Year's Eve and despite it being a perfect night to sit under the stars getting drained by mosquitos, the movie itself was a giant pile of gayness. Tip: avoid.
A very warm Saturday kicked off with a walk along the coast. From there it was home to start on something I've been putting off for a long, long time. My brother and I jointly own 'my' house and share a bank account. The problem is we have no idea who contributed what so I have six years of statements to go through. Making it harder, following the catastrophic data wipe-out last year, I don't have digital copies so 75 statements had to be scanned, OCR'd and cleaned up before I can even start. I cannot think of a more tedious way to spend a day. A welcome escape came mid-afternoon - caught up with a mate for a coffee, perv and cruise. Good shit.
Waking up Sunday the choices were swim or ride. A look out the window showed grey skies so a ride it was. Loaded the bikes, drove down to the coast and soon regretted the decision - the beaches were jam-packed and bikinis concentration metre was an all-time high. Still managed a decent cycle though - around 22 kilometres. From there it was home, shower and immediately back out the door for a BBQ with friends and some pool action followed up with some family commitments before finally heading homeward and calling it a day.
Alright let's get on with things shall we? I'm particularly happy with today's update and I have no doubt you guys will be too. I'm not even going to crap on about all the amazing shit you'll find below except to say... check it...
Strangely CompellingTramp StampsYoga Pants RuleHottie PayloadFishing BabesRimjob FailTeen Orgasm
Miley See ThruSpiderman PornUnhygienicDrug Rip FailBusty GingerOwn Goal?Nasty SkankOh Hai!
Surprise AnalWTF Birth!I Was BustingBikini Nip SlipMonster IEDGlory HoleHotel 'Service' - U Swallow?
Just saw a bloke driving while eating ice cream. Fucking sundae drivers. I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead woman's body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me how I found the woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the rigor mortis made her arse a bit tight for my liking". Just won an innuendo contest. Had to beat off some stiff competition though!! A teenage girl comes home crying her eyes out. Her mother gives her a hug and asks what happened: "My boyfriend dumped me!" The mother strokes the girl's hair and starts rambling on about the birds and the bees. "Oh shut up, mum!" says the girl. "I suck and fuck like a world champion. All he said was that my cooking was shit." I told my girlfriend today that the male's G-spot is in the anus. Well, her anus anyway. A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover. The chemist gave her the product requested and advised "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes". "Errr... it's not for my armpits" she flustered, embarrassed "It's for my Chihuahua". "Oh well, in that case" said the chemist "don't ride a bike for twenty minutes". -- For sale: Entire Twilight DVD box-set. Free to a good homo.
SIMPLE TIPS FOR A HAPPY LIFE III
Click for Part I & and here for Part II.
-Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.-Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control. -Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.-Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. -X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.-Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos. -Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.-Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. -Housewives. The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.-A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. -Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.-Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return. -Pensioners. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.-Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats. -Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.-No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. -Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.-Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected). -Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.-Women. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you cause an accident. -Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.-International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. -King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
FINGER BANGING AMELIE 
BRITAINS NAVY STEPS INTO THE MODERN WORLD
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hours per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy and the lash" so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being upgraded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules".
THE COSTA CONCORDIA
-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.
-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".
-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.
-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"
-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.
-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".
-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.
-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.
-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.
-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.
-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.
-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.
-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?
-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.
-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.
-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"
COLOSSAL CLEAVAGE 
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Come with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!" As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!" The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully and does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says 'If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store. So, she does. The man says "I'll be right over".
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!" The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...'
DIVING PALAU 
Subject: idiotomg... to bad that darwin's law did not work in this case ! fucking electrical windows, it should already have exploded when he started the engine... if there is gas leaking out anywhere...do not touch anything electrical and be very very careful even when using mechanical things... windows, doors, etc. no common fucking sense will kill humanity - because it fucking deserves it :D Subject: Go AheadGo ahead - Nobody's looking....................... South of France ! 
Subject: Part 2 H cups titsGday orsm, you posted a pic i sent in last week of chick i was banging with H cup norks. Here is more then one pic this time as you requested ;) Cheers With hold details PS: yes they are as fun as they look
Incredible. God bless her. -Orsm
Edward Subject: adTry this. Brothel Buster
Seriously thinking about applying. -Orsm
Mikey Subject: Great start to a new year?Hey, mate! Just returned from a vacation in Sarasota, Florida, where I spotted this sign in front of a car wash. Either these guys have a wicked sense of humor or they're dense as rocks. 
Bill Subject: Surprise!Another one of those OH SHIT! moments.
Come on - how many of you guys would just 'go with it'...? -Orsm
Subject: Emirates golden vagOrsm, I've been with you since the beginning my man, struggling thru tafe with the boys and my epic HG. Anyway, check out this fucking newsletter from Emirates! I was looking and reading and feeling aroused and then BAM! I could see why. Pretty fucking close to perfect? Hide the deets my man please.
That's how I imagine all the Emirates hosties vagina's look. -Orsm
Austin Subject: WHAT PILOTS SEE WHEN LANDING AT OFFUTT AIR FORCE BASE. A farmer does this with his tractor. He uses GPS to get the letters readable. He has done this every fall for several years now. Here's the view from the flight pattern into OFFUTT AIR FORCE BASE Bellevue, NE., just south of Omaha. This is what our servicemen see when landing at Offutt AFB. Hat tip to the Bellevue farmer who made it happen!
Subject: For your pleasureI spotted this while out Christmas shopping. And yeah, when no-one was looking, I did have a little try. Please withhold my details in case the manager at Kmart hunts me down for messing with his toys. 
Subject: SunburnThought this might be worthy of RS - mates sunburn from summer! Ouch! Please withhold details if used. Cheers mate!
Yeah that's going to hurt. -Orsm
Subject: ex picsThe ex, she owes me $, so fuck her. Hide my details 
xitz Subject: CONCORDIA...She was fitted out a bit garish, but that's the Italian way, but that little unknown rock sure ripped a hole in her.
Half a billion dollars worth of scrap. -Orsm
Jd Subject: FLOODING IN KRUGER PARKFlooding causes chaos at Kruger Park 2012-01-18 13:31.Roads and camps have been closed and some lodge guests are being evacuated by helicopter after heavy rainfall caused flooding in the Kruger National Park, SANParks says. Kruger National Park is flooding. Mpumalanga warned of heavy rains. SA can expect 'strange weather' 
P G Subject: Go Daddy Superbowl 2012 AdWhen you watch this ad, your going to want to know who the nude model is. Her name is Natalia Velez from Columbia. Enjoy....
Pretty sure he means this. -Orsm
Austin Subject: Alaska OilMy daughter and son-in-law were in L.A. last week from their home in Anchorage. He is a foreman in the oil fields at ANWR. He has to fly his own plane to get to the job where he spends months at a time in the most God forsaken place this side of Siberia. He confirmed everything that is in this story, and brought dozens of pictures for proof.
Kel Subject: "BREAKING NEWS" for todayTrue or not true? Will it be the next big thing? Tata Motors of India thinks so. What will the Oil Companies do to stop it? It is an auto engine that runs on air. That's right; air not gas or diesel or electric but just the air around us. Take a look.
Subject: GirllieGirl who sent me some Pics. Shes about 20, worked with her for a few days, sent me these. Total Slut. Protect my info Mr. Orsm. Love your site! been here for 5 years.
We love sluts. -Orsm
Maycol Subject: EmailingLos Angeles car crash aftermath
A good panel beater will be able to buff that right out. -Orsm
Bill Subject: Cemetery in MexicoWonder if this would work at border crossings?? A guy rigged a remote controlled motorbike with a skeleton driving the bike that has a speaker attached to it. The guy hides across the street from a walled cemetery and when people walk by it at night, the skeleton rides up quietly on his motor bike and scares the bejeebers out of them. He has the perfect voice for this. The guy across the street is talking thru the speaker while operating the remote control for the bike. (It has training wheels on it). 
Subject: The ClapHi Mr Orsm, I thought you may get a laugh out of this. [Youtube link here
xitz Subject: Far better than a speed cameraThis is beautiful, I mean like let's just cut the shit and get serious...
Looks quite effective. Now if we can get something similar for fucktards who hog the centre lane... -Orsm
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies".
So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any rye bread?" She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want 5 loaves". She said "My goodness, five loaves... by the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard". He replied "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me".
FLAWLESS: JAMIE HAMMER 
A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself 'this is unusual'.
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked "Officer, what's the hold-up?" The officer replied "The Prime Minister is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself with petrol and set herself on fire. She says no one believes her stories about why we have to have a carbon tax or why she is continuing the war in the middle east, or why illegal immigrants are good for the country and are basically 'cost free'... so we're taking up a collection for her".
The public servant asks "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning".
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't...!?" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did". He replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired". "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too".
SAMANTHA COULDN'T WAIT FOR ME TO GET HOME 
A woman and her ten year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. "Mum" said the boy "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money". The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes the kid asks "Mum what happens to the babies those women have?" "Most of them become taxi drivers" she says.
And that boys and girls is how you do an update... at least thats's what I tell people. For other things I like to tell people please read on...
. It's un-Australian not to. - Next update will be next Thursday. Feb already - seriously? otherwise my friend Ray, the God of Hellfire, will bring you... fire.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Australia Day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
-
19 Jan ' 09:02
2012.01.19-21.18 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Ready yet? How about now?
I don't know how to start this bloggy bit today so I'll just start typing and see what comes out. Writing a 1000 or so words each week is challenging even when there's been lots going on. Alternatively when there's been fuck all happening or lots happening that I can't blog because it would violate the privacy of friends or fam or me, my Thursday afternoon gets all the more harder. Today is a combo of all of the above.
Moving on... I feel a bit like I'm ingesting less and less of the world around me lately but some things are inescapable. Some things stick out as being more annoying, or lame or gay or whatever and my list at the moment looks something like this:
1) The anti-whaling protesters who boarded the Shōnan Maru 2. Not because I want Japan to slaughter more delicious whales, but because one of the protesters went from sitting in a tree on a suburban street one day to defending whale rights the next. Is it really about trees and whales or just about pissing people off and employment avoidance? The taxpayer cost to recover these clowns was hundreds of thousands, none of which these guys have to bear and considering they didn't achieve a single thing, the whole escapade was fail.
2) Songs that repeat a celebrities name over and over. 'Moves Like Jagger' and 'Barbara Streisand' spring to mind and there's another one which has something to do with James Brown. Fucked if I know what it's called - try Googling James Brown... no chance. Regardless - how stupid are we to lap this crap up?
3) SOPA and PIPA are well and truly in the headlines after some of the words biggest websites went dark in protest. If passed, the scope for abuse is massive and worrying. Combine that with the proposed Aussie internet filter and it's safe to say we'll all be pretty much fucked someway, somehow.
Let's move on to everything else. Perhaps a wrap of events beginning with... Friday kicked off with a 25km cycle through the burbs and the first test walk since having the pooch completely shaved. I've long resisted taking the plunge figuring a long haired German Shepherd without long hair would look ridiculous but it's been hot and she's struggled so let's see what happens. And with that we peeled almost ten minutes off the morning walk. The rest of the day was spent food gathering and being productive in front of the computer. The evening was relaxed - grabbed the picnic blanket and hung out in parkland overlooking the city then smashed dinner at a place I've always wanted to try based on its awful reputation. Thankfully it lived up to the expected disappointment and the risk of having your food compromised or becoming the target of a passing drunken idiot really added to the ambience.
The following morning began again with exercise and a sweaty two hour car washing extravaganza. Next on the agenda was house hunting. The search has been focused on two or three adjoining suburbs and there are dozens and dozens of places on the market. Weeding through the crap is tedious - first you have to time the home opens so you can see everything, find the place, spend five walking around inspecting, another ten being interrogated by a pushy agent and so on and so forth. That swallowed half the afternoon so with some free time it was again back to the MF'ing PC to put in a few hours. It was still warm around 6pm so we headed for the beach. Some rare decent sized waves [plus getting dumped a few times] provided distraction from the loose toe nail I'd drilled a while back being ripped from my toe. Didn't feel a thing.
Wide awake Sunday started at 5am for no apparent reason and not wanting to waste it I managed to squeeze in three hours working before heading for the dog beach. Was hotter that day and didn't make it down there until after almost every other dog in the whole metro area had arrived. This of course meant bikinis aplenty but for every perfect specimen there were 10 fatties and another 5 with awful tattoos. Home late morning to bake some shit before heading out to meet friends for lunch at a café which just happens to be right near home that we discovered a few weeks back. It's cheap and delicious and I'm plagued by its addictiveness. Remember when Tony and Carmella found that sushi restaurant? Same deal.
Almost predictably the subsequent few hours were whittled away back at the PC. My goal to kick it up a notch is well underway and if all goes as planned I can free up enough time in coming months to focus on improving stuff around the site that needs improving. Afterwards, the fam over for dinner and that was the weekend.
Alright this went surprisingly long for someone who had very little to say so without any more dillydallying, rhetoric or social commentary let's do this. Check it...
Mr VengeanceArchery GirlsSelfshot BabesIncredible BodCutest GingerRock BottomTight Pussies
Tits In HatsFrenzied AttackKickboxerClub FuckersWifey BJProlapsed DykesSlaaaap!!Pissy Pants
Gianna CrazyRihanna WowBanging MoanaSo F'ing OwnedCreepy CoupleMessed UpCrack Whore
Linda, a blonde, and Jill were chatting over coffee. Said Linda "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream or sugar or both I get a stabbing pain in one eye". Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried. "There it goes again!" Jill says "take the spoon out of your cup". A recent study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year. That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon. Bloody good value that! I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in. Both my next door neighbours have been arrested as part of the Australia-wide raids against online paedophiles. Fuck knows where I'm going to get my free Wi-Fi now! I walked into the porn shop this morning I said "Three of your filthiest porn mags please, mate". He said "Have you got anything in mind?" I said "Yes, I'm going to have a wank". -- So to pass the summer nights away I have started building a time machine in the shed, all being well it will be finished by last Thursday.
FAMOUS OPINIONS
"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances". --Dr. Lee DeForest, Father of Radio and Grandfather of Television
"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives". --Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom". --Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons". --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers". --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 [Oddly enough it was IBM that also saw little use for what became the Xerox copy machine many decades later and refused to fund its development]
"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year". --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip
"640K ought to be enough for anybody". --Bill Gates, 1981
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us". --Western Union internal memo, 1876
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C' the idea must be feasible". --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. [Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp]
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper". -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make". --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs Fields' Cookies
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out". --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible". --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this". --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M Post-It Notepads
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy". --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau". --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value". --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France
"Everything that can be invented has been invented". --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899
"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required". -- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University
"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself". --The head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home". --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977
MIA: LIL MISS SWEET LOVES THE MEAT 
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks". He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening.
TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO: Do not touch my daughter in my presence. You may glare at her adoringly, so long as you do not peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter I will remove them.
RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off of your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. If you show up at my home with your pants falling down I will be forced to ensure that they do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter by taking my electric staple gun and fastening the pants directly to your waist.
RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that sex in today's world without a "barrier device" can kill you. Let me elaborate: I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE: Current thinking is that in order for you and me to get to know each other, we should talk politics, sports, and other issues. Do not do this. Your ignorance and stupidity will only serve to anger me. The only information I require of you is when you will have my daughter home. To this end, you only need two words: "early" and "sir".
RULE SIX: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you've gone out with my little girl you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry harder.
RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time you should not be dating my daughter. She is doing her hair, putting on make-up, or whatever; a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, do something useful, like change the oil in my car.
RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate places to take my daughter: places with beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool - places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight - places that are dark or poorly lit - places where there is dancing, holding hands, or excessive happiness - places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat - movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme. Hockey games are okay, old folks homes are better, a convent is best.
RULE NINE: Do not ever lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
RULE TEN: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice paddy. When my PTSD starts kicking in, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Note the camouflaged face in the window is mine. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car
SEX ON THE BEACH 
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home".
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds it will cost 99 cents a word". Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".
FAKE TITS - LOVE THEM OR HATE THEM? 
If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is
Gordon Subject: go cart fightI wondered if this was the Indian cricketers in Perth last week?
Clever. -Orsm
Vinnie Subject: BowleramaBowling alley is a lie.. sorry I hate liars. lol whom ever sent it in.. needs to play some bingo with Choppa. cheers
Hiro Subject: Yomi Kim Hunter, Prettiest Man?The moment I saw those pictures I had to Google him/her. Well after a little investigating I was pretty sure that its fake. A little more digging using a Tineye search reveals that those pictures are actually of a Chinese actress by the name Fan Bingbing. You can Google her and find multiple images from the Yomi Kim piece. No weiner under that dress. Love the site by the way! Johnee D'Shea Subject: Happy Holidays!Hey Stranger =) Hope you are having a great holiday season!Here's to a great 2012! All the best to you and your family in the coming year,Johnee p.s. Please take 5 seconds and help me in this Best Bassist in Minnesota category.
I don't usually post these emails but Johnee is a long time Orsm supporter and deserves some love. -Orsm
Purple Subject: Kerbisde clean up of a different sortHiya brother, I drove passed it, did a u-ey then drove slowly passed it again & took the pic. Cupla mattresses free to a good home on the nature strip. Barely bled on by the looks of it! Gold. Cheers. 
Subject: Big juggsHey Orsm and it's readers, take a look at the cohungers on this bird I been banging for a while. Size 12 with H Cup size tits. Sucking and fucking them are quite a delight. Withhold name. Ps: enjoy
They are some big tits but dude - just one pic?? -Orsm
Subject: PaparazziPlease hold my details & identity. REGARDS
... is that a toilet paper tampon? -Orsm
Tom Subject: One more funnyThis pic desperately needed captioning. 
jason Subject: Stansted airportSaw this in a transfer bus at Stansted airport London. Hope you can use this. Keep up the good work, first class site.
Subject: Guts!A Cowboy has no fear! 
Sandy Subject: TurkeySaw this on a visit to Turkey last Year....
Available chocolate coated or dusted in icing sugar. -Orsm
Subject: laurence lempriere prince photoI found the other half of the laurence lempriere prince photo from random shite. Regards
I'm sure this makes sense somehow to someone. -Orsm
Subject: pussy picG'day ORSM. A photo of the missus' pussy while asleep - she has no idea so PLEASE hide my details etc.
Subject: PicsHey mate ' Long time reader first time contributor. These are some pics of my ex gf that i found she had sent to another guy when she left her hotmail logged in since broken up with the slut so thought I would share enjoy :) (hide details please) 
Subject: Acetylene in the back of a ToyotaApparently this happened in Regina Tuesday morning (29 November 2011) I guess. Here is what the owner said: So my time almost came to an end this morning... I'm very lucky to be alive. I had an acetylene bottle in my truck, the valve was bumped so slightly and over night the truck filled with the gas. I noticed the smell, and opened the doors to air out the truck. I drove the truck out of the garage to get some more air movement. I went to roll the pass side window down and as soon as I touched the power windows. BAM - with me in the truck. I lost all hearing out of my right ear and got a scratch on the back of my head. All things considering, I'm alive. Pictures tell 1000 words. 
delusional-king Subject: Readers Mail or Random ShitMr Orsm, I've included a few pics of some friends that i hope you find funny and I've also added some captions to some of your older pics. I'd love to see the wiggers, Riding scooters & pugs is gay, as pugs is one of my friends who thought this pic was deleated lol and it's not. Timma is my nephew and it took me over half an hour to get him on the scooter to start with. Thanx 
Adrian Subject: World's Oldest Running Car Fetches $4.62MThis is the oldest motor vehicle car in the world that still runs. It was built one year before Karl Benz and Gottlieb Daimler invented the internal combustion engine. The world's oldest running motor vehicle has been sold at auction for an astonishing $4.62 million (R36.5-million), more than double the pre-sale estimate, as two bidders chased the price up in a three-minute bidding war.
Subject: Pipe Accident - Karratha Oilfield Marine Base This happened last Friday afternoon across at Gearhart's. (King bay) This 9.5/8" casing had just left Gearhart's yard following inspection/re-coating for storage by Apache, the truck wasn't travelling fast by any means but had to stand on his brakes and give way at the intersection and the pictures tell the rest. Driver luckily was only bruised and in a bit of shock.......... he won his lotto in this life. 
Subject: please keep anonymousI did some data recovery for people a few years ago and found these, pics of the guys wife. Worthy of a post? I thinks so. Love your site. 
frank wrote: Subject: Strange sounds in Conklin, Alberta Jan. 12/2012 Just thought you would like this to be put in your web page creepy shit!! Live on ORSM you rock! oh yeah this is in Conklin, Alberta, Canada
The last time I heard that noise was when my friend Ray realised McDonalds was closed. -Orsm
Steve Subject: Alcohol induced "Bobbleheading"Orsm, Cheers again from the States. I got a kick out of this drunk EEE-Diot in the Long Island Railway station in New York, USA. I just had to film it, although we all have probably been this drunk at one time or another... Steve in America. 
Subject: Trick Riding ClownPlease hide my details & good on you Mr. ORSM I love your stuff mate. 
Supaduck Subject: Xmas Shoppping Moari stylei'm not so sure that these hard cases are actually Maoris however they might be ..look and qwak more like Sambos of some nationality i thought as we got a real assortment over here nowadays compliments of David Langie a former (Labour) Leader whos now 6 feet under 
Brett wrote: Subject: Special effects compilationHello again Mr Orsm, Not sure if you are interested but I thought I'd send you a compilation of effects I've done over the last year. Cheers. [Youtube link ]
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No, what do you mean?"
She says "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me". Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new" says the hairy man "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me". The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee".
"But, sir" she replies "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities". The man replies "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!"
CARLI BANKS HAS A SPECTACULAR BODY AND VAGINA 
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son" says the Pope "What can I do for you?" Dopey asks "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome".
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and glares, silencing them.
Dopey turns back "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe".
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says "Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world".
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting... "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools. Your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally we'd hire you without a second thought however a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... we can't hire you".
"But wait" the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms - red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking.
"Well" said the interviewer "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!" "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh that..." he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
FOR THOSE IN TO THE OLDER ONES... 
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time "Would you like some bacon and eggs, toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra" he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra" he says "It's really spoiled my need for food".
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry". "Well" she says "Would you mind getting off me? Cos I'm fucking starving".
And that's the end of the update. I sincerely hope the tens of thousands of hours spent compiling it has brought you enjoyment greater than or at least equal it did me. Now for some important messages...
- Check out the site archives. They're not going anywhere but with SOPA looming you never know. - Next update will be next Thursday or as I like to call it: Thursday. otherwise my friend Ray will re-add you to his MSN buddies and start annoying the fuck out of you again. !
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy bidding. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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14 Jan ' 05:48
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12 Jan ' 06:22
2012.01.12-20.04 
Welcome to Orsm.net. You're my boy, Blue.
The best part of a week or two off is of course the week or two off. The bad part is all the stuff that piles up. This is the downfall of being a one man band - no one else to pick up the slack while you're busy doing absolutely anything else so the last week has felt like one very, very long day whilst trying to catch up. That said, it's exactly how I intended to start the year... work like a bastard. I gave up setting New Year resolutions because they're usually forgotten long before implementation so instead I'm just 'aiming' travel more. To do this I have to start planning now and that in a roundabout way is what dropping a bomb and spending as much time as possible in front of the computer over the next few months is all about.
I've developed an infatuation with everything Asian therefore any country that specialises in people with yellow skin and oddly shaped eyes is particularly high on the list. The year ahead however is already looking packed and the opportunity to GTFO of here won't present itself until October so after much whinging and moaning the ingenious idea to hit Bali for a long weekend was touted. The whole Bali thing is something which usually shits me off - I just don't get it. Aussies flock there in droves, so many that it may as well be another state but after hitting Jakarta last year, I'm gagging to get on a plane again. So we booked a long weekend there in March. Two days later the news was full of stories about the dangers of travelling to Bali including STD's, gastro, Dengue fever, malaria, rabies and Legionnaires' disease to name a few. Add in the recent horror stories: people catching aids whilst getting tattoos done, a girl who was burnt inside out after drinking 'jungle juice' cocktails, a bar fight knifing and a teen who was electrocuted walking down the street. Obviously these things will never happen to me so I can't wait...!
Alright moving on to everything else that's made up my life lately, beginning with Friday. After a hectic morning running around town doing ten thousand errands it was off to a friends' wedding. I like Friday weddings. You can get really drunk and spend the next two days recovering. The ceremony was one of the nicer ones I've been to - garden ceremony deal followed by reception in a fancy restaurant overlooking the city. Pretty much perfect.
A sleep in was required the next morning followed by a travel agent visit to book the aforementioned jaunt and home to work the rest of the day. That night, Spicks and Specks. Spicks and Specks was an Australian comedy music trivia TV show which was taken on the road after the series ended last year. I scored a ticket to for Christmas but having never seen it, had no idea what to expect. Thankfully not such a bad way to spend an evening.
Sunday was busy as fuck. Kicked off the morning with a short walk along the coast... short because the dog has decided she doesn't want to go far anymore. [I've since decided this is unacceptable and had her shaved today]. Straight home for a shower afterward and back out the door for a dim sum feast with family, quickly home, a grandmother visit, home again, friends place to wish happy birthday and then some home opens to research. I've been saying forever that my days in this place were numbered and the plan was to start looking a bit more seriously around now. Sure enough the very first one was the dream house in the perfect location, within budget and... we're not ready to do this yet. Apparently a cash offer from someone else was imminent and having to sell my current POS first meant there was no chance of being considered. Shame.
Spent what was left of the afternoon dragging junk surplus to our needs post cohabitation out to the verge for a rubbish collection. Funny how you get attached to the most stuff - maybe it was just the hoarder within but was almost sad to see my pine desk which I've had since primary school [and dearly hated] go. Glad to have less clutter though. Friends over for dinner that night, some chit chat, a movie and that was my weekend.
Okay that about does it with the blog. Most of you guys were smart enough to scroll past this and get to the good stuff which there's fucking shit loads of today... for everyone else - sucked in. check it...
ShadowessFit ChicksDrunk BabesBeautiful WedgiesFaking OrgasmsLacey BanghardWild Camgirl
Loose CabooseOily FuckImpressive Or Gay?Explain WTFInsane OrgasmHow The...!?Sick Slut
Horse FuckerSide BoobageAwesomenessPenetrationSuperbParenting FailCaught CheatingGay Brawl
When I was a child my dad tried to force feed me... after many months my mother finally convinced my dad that he wasn't a Jedi. An Aboriginal woman was admitted into the hospital for a pregnancy termination. Two weeks later she received a cheque for $5,000. She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. The hospital said "Crime Stoppers". It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says "Fencing". A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..." A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured in a car crash. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back, so she throws a tampon at him and says, "There you go you cunt, I'll pay you in monthly instalments". Moral of the story- A woman will eventually pay up what she owes, but there is always a string attached!
NEW WORDS AND PHRASES FOR 2012
BROFESSIONAL: Your perpetually single friend who is always available for a night of debauchery with otherwise married, stay-at-home types.
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around while talking bollocks.
CARNIVOYEUR: A vegetarian (or vegan) who digs watching others chomp on cooked flesh.
SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
FREDDY COUGAR: A scary, middle-aged (or older) woman who mistakenly thinks she's more desirable than she actually is.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
FREEBOOBING: The act of wearing a tight blouse sans bra. Think of it as the female equivalent of a man's freeballing.
INEPTOCRACY: A government or state ruled by people who are incompetent.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra. IE. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.
KARDASHIANED: Coined following the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, it means the act of being blindsided following an ill-advised wedding.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
RECYCLEOPATH: Person who is militant when it comes to recycling and goes apeshit when you accidentally forget to separate one lousy plastic water bottle from a bag of trash.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
TEBOWING: Idiotic move of getting down on one knee in order to 'speak' to some imaginary 'friend'. Primarily used by egotistical athletes who think deities give a crap about some pass or play.
SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
HUMBLEBRAG: An ostensibly humble comment that also demonstrates the person's wealth, fame, or importance.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake).
SITCOM'S: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.
BRIGHTSIZING: Corporate downsizing in which the brightest workers are let go.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just Made a BIG mistake.
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
GOING IN FOR SOME LANA... 
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food" the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass". "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree". "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also". The second man, in a pitiful voice then said "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well" the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you". The lawyer replied "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.
ANYMORE THAN A HANDFUL IS A WASTE...? 
Two blondes were playing golf on a foggy par three - they could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball into the fog. When they arrived at the green they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other had somehow gone directly into the hole. "It's in the hole!" they both shouted in unison.
They tried to determine which ball belonged to which player, but since they were both using Titleist number threes, mystery prevailed. Unable to make a determination, they called to the nearby Club House to request that the golf pro come to make a ruling.
After hearing their story, and congratulating them both on their superb shots under adverse conditions, the golf pro asked "Okay so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
AWESOME SNOWMEN 
Three weeks of submissions has provided for a killer Reader Mail and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise right in the face.
If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the magic happen!
Subject: Knife to the faceFinally found something worthy of submitting. This is my Cousins face after being stabbed. She ain't that tough after all. Please withhold my details. Absolutely love your site as always.
A second mouth... that could come in quite handy! -Orsm
steven Subject: Nice plumsThis article is from the missus's chick mag, see anything which shouldn't be on view
Took me a while. -Orsm
Subject: le FanToo good not to forward, I think his name is Bob ?? (seeing as I have 6 Bob's on my mailing list)
Gotta love Zach Braff. -Orsm
Subject: passThink I'll pass on making a bid for this one. If you do post no details pls.. Cheers
Item condition: New but some penile contact. -Orsm
Subject: FacebookScrolling through my news feed and came across this. She is a friend of a friend. Hope you enjoy, looks like others already are lol. Cheers! Feel free to hit her up her FB is: Naisha SwaggaRite Shawtyy (Nicole Freemoneyg Stokes)
It was in her newsfeed [now removed] but don't think its the same chick. Also, WTF is with her name? -Orsm
Justin Subject: Ex girlfriend picHere is a pic sent to me by my 25 year old ex girlfriend as a Christmas present. Worthy of posting?? Cheers from Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada 
Subject: Just a little dusty...Dear Orsm, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year and all that shit, long time fan and second time poster. A friend of mine called me up and asked me to look at his computer because it was running hot and making weird noises. This is what I found after he dropped it off. please hide my details, thanks.
Bill Subject: Let's go Bowllllin'A bowling alley in Clearwater, FL is doing record business: Very Interesting!! Wanna knock his teeth out? A bowling alley in Clearwater, Florida, "Bowl-O-Bama", is doing record business despite a bad economy. The alley also reported a record number of 300 games. Since opening in November 2010, 963 patrons have bowled a perfect game, including strikes in the warm-up frames. This alley also has the highest bowling league average in the country, with a 237. And that's the senior league ! 
Subject: vegas douchebagon our way out to party the night away in las Vegas when we ran across this guy checking in to the hotel..hmm flats or pumps today? manly if you ask me..Please hide my info.. every Thursday is like a lil treat thanks for the great site
Different strokes... -Orsm
Subject: interesting (a little bit)Longtime admirer of your site (etc. etc.) Seen this recently in Arizona, tried to get a better picture but could not catch up with the guy as he was doing in excess of 90 mph (!) Keep up the great work, withhold details please 
Subject: a royal toast at christmas timeHere it is Yuletide and everyone is praising and celebration the Christmas father and elfs and Reindeers and things. well let us not forget our royal heritage, and we ask you to stand up and all hail..... 
Ed27th Subject: ChristmasThe Ultimate Christmas Yard Decoration 
Subject: NO CALLS PLEASE!!Yeah, I wish!! Please no phone calls this December I am really busy, just leave your message I will get back to u next year
Subject: Filthy Neighbour PicsG'day Orsm Dude, Been a fan for a few yrs now, thought I'd contribute to your great site. A mate and me had some enjoyable pre xmas drinkies with a neighbour who also wanted to share some slap n tickle. We could've played 'snap' on her back but then we got too busy, lol. She's a champ. Happy Fkn New Year. Please hold my details & identity. 
Subject: Last of the 1995 Florida Santa model...pls use the best ones & Happy Holidays to all ORSMites!
Subject: ...just another day on the river (very interesting)This has to be the weirdest thing that ever floated by me in the river. They were stuck together in death lock, each wanting to kill the other first. My guess is that the falcon snatched up the tasty snake, and it somehow got its tail around the falcons neck, strangling it in midair causing both of them to crash into the comal river. 
Derek Subject: slipsSome nip slips
Don't see any nip slips but definitely one of the hottest/cutest girls I've ever seen. -Orsm
Hank Subject: Scotlandsecond lot of west coast of Scotland panoramas
Other Scotland panoramas posted can be found herehere, here, here and here. -Orsm
Subject: ex-wifehey bro, long time fan here. I came across a vid on my ex-wifes computer of her fucking this other guy. I believe in saving for posterity and she always wanted to be famous, however I am having problems e-mailing it to you... I haven't found a good video compression software package got any ideas? I also got some pics to share with ya (and the rest of the world) 
Subject: quotesDo you find these quotes true most of the time? 
Subject: Response to the "Obama's feet on desk" picturesDon't know if anyone's seen this so I thought I'd pass it along. While I understand not everyone is going to like the President, I don't understand why people choose a photograph and assume that the shot shows a person's character. So if it's true for one it must be true for everyone. This ones for "Mike" (please withold my info) 
Subject: ZWF Special Moment !! - Dramatic Luangwa elephant rescue.....Most conservationists believe that man should not meddle with the natural order and that we should allow nature to run her course however cruel or grim it seems to be. We agree on the whole, unless a wildlife problem has been created by man (for instance in the case of snaring or being trapped in a fence, in which case it's justifiable to intervene) then nature should be left to her own devices. She has a plan.
Thirsty Swagman Subject: MotivationalsThe "Strength" is suitable for your audience I believe :-)
Previous Motivationals can be found if you'll be kind enough to click here. -Orsm
Bill Subject: Don't Mess with TexasAfter the shooting at Lake Falcon by members of the Mexican drug cartel, Texas will no longer rely on the Federal Govt to protect is citizens. Six of these boats have been put into service along the border by the Texas Dept. of Public Safety. Looks like they're getting serious!!
That'll get them to the primo fishing spots nice and quick. -Orsm
There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine.
A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted" the boy replied. "Well in that case I better take that exam myself" the father said. So off to the university he went.
A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one". "Gee, dad. Which question was that?" "The question was..." started the father "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?" "That's easy!" the son replied. "The answer is pulse". "Oh hell" said the father" I got that one wrong as well".
NELLY... NOT A 'GIRL NEXT DOOR' TYPE... 
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc" he said "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years" said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears". "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit". "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars". "Is that so!? How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches... just send the wine back…
IVY WINTERS - GREAT BODY, STUPID NAME 
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said "Just a minute, I have to go pee".
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite". "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back".
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say 'bathroom' at the dinner table". "And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say 'Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very good friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner'".
Well ...
- Echa un vistazo a los archivos del sitio - Next update will be on the only day of the week between Wednesday and Friday. You figure it out. otherwise my friend Ray will derp.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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07 Jan ' 06:05
© 2000-2012 DigDis
main priceless pics - priceless video - random shite -chicks & stuff - archives - TOS - advertise - contact
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06 Jan ' 20:36
2012.01.05-20.03 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Note to self: you cannot turn the TV on for 'just a minute' to see Clarke bring up his triple
And so we're back... to reality that is. After a fantabulous two weeks off the January resentment period begins. In a perfect world the entire month would be a national holiday. All the annoying things like working and... working... would give way to the pursuit of pleasure.
So we may as well segue straight into a wrap of events that made up the 'busy yet relaxing' festive season. The lead up to Christmas day was not the mad rush expected - all tasks were completed in a timely manner and that was despite the chaos on the streets and in shopping centres. A couple of things did stand out however - the self-importance of everyone, everywhere. Too much of the "OMG its Christmas and I've got stuff to do so fuck you all". Don't think I've ever received such vigorous waves and acknowledgment from other road users by doing something so simple as making space to let them in. Later in the day I was congratulated after letting a very shaky, very old guy go ahead of me in a line. The five people in front who all saw him, pretended not to. Nice work, society.
I'd love to say the excitement of Christmas day was what woke me up at 4.30am but I'm yet to work that one out. After some present exchanging [got a huuuge Nerf gun!] it was all go from that moment on. A large chunk of garlicked pork was begun roasting with a gigantic potato salad following. First guests arrived around 9.30am and people came and went all day with the last departing around 8pm. Very chilled and casual and not such a bad way to do it. The only real surprise was how the fridge ended up fuller than before we started but seven days of leftovers FTW!
From Xmas and the four days following we were saddled with house guests - two teenage [not my] cousins. It's been a few years since I was one so the challenge became how to relate to teens or at least so they don't stare at me with a 'this guy is such a douche' look all the time. Turns out calling Justin Bieber a giant fag was the breakthrough as were constantly accusing the 15yo she was emo. Anyway this intrusion very quickly made the house smaller so any chance to move activities out and about was siezed. First up were the Boxing Day sales. I've always steered well clear of the insanity but desperately needing clothes, off we went and I finally have t-shirts again. Well worth it.
The highlight of my year and possibly life came that afternoon. Friends place for a BBQ, a mate rolled up in a Ferrari. "I don't want to drive in case I break it" followed by "I'll just sit in it" then a "I'm just going to start her up" and finally "I must drive this now" preceded a lap along the coast. I've never felt more like Ferris Bueller.
The next few days were ridiculously hot beach and pool days with some gaming [went with Deus Ex - not too bad, not out of this world] and the cinema to see the new MI. Basically all the stuff anyone not smart enough to fly or drive away somewhere tropical for the holidays would do.
New Years is sort of becoming a non-event these days. Grand plans, excitement, anticipation and three day parties have given way to preferring to not feel like shit for a week after. Oh and I see how that makes me sound old and lame but priorities change... which also make me sound old and lame. Just shut up okay. That said, when it actually gets to the day I suddenly fire up and look for the most epic option to rock it in. Thankfully some friends decided to step up and organise a huge house party with a Seven Deadly Sins theme. I went as 'pride' and wore a gay pride flag. Not quite out of the box and surprisingly received no propositions from other guys... or girls for that matter. Weird...? Honestly don't think I've ever seen so much food or alcohol in one place either and had a frickin' great night.
Alright time to move on. I could easily have crapped on for another half dozen paragraphs but there's a whole update to get through. It's a huge one too - traditionally I would asshole this update and -just- post Reader Mail but at some point guilt took over so there's a whole bunch of other stuff to make up for two weeks without an update that will keep you guys busy possibly forever. Check it...
Game Time!Amazing BodsDrunk As HellThis Is BadWicked BJErotic YogaPhantom ShitGianna POV
SchooledRihanna NipsIs This Hot?'Clingers'Oooops!Black AttackInflatable OMG!Take-Off Fail
Perfect 10Alba HotnessTalentPuffy NipsStoopidityTough GuyTeen SlutBitch TrannyTrolling
An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says "You remind me of my little toe". She replies "What?... You mean I'm small and cute?" He says "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"... Shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section... A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful blonde woman. Without any preliminaries she declared that she wanted a divorce. "On what grounds?" asked the lawyer. "I don't think he is faithful to me" she replied. "And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer. "Well for one thing" replied the young lady "I don't think he's the father of my child". In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first. I hope you appreciate this history update. "Take a pencil and paper" the teacher said "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. "What's the matter" the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied. My wife suffocated today, but at least she got to see her new pillow right before she died.
Toward the end of the Sunday service the Minister asked "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any" he replied gruffly. "Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight" he replied. The congregation stood and applauded.
"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation and said simply "I outlived all them mother fuckers!"
FUN WITH MIRABEL 
It's the close of the financial year and the Taxation Department sends an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While going through the books, the inspector turns to the Rabbi and says "I notice you use lots of candles, what do you do the with wax drippings?" "Good question" says the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Really?" replies the tax inspector, disappointed his tricky question had a practical answer.
"What about all these bread wafers? You're going to have crumbs, what do you do with them?" "Ah yes", replies the Rabbi, realising the inspector's trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers". "I see" says the inspector, now determined to fluster the smart-ass Rabbi.
"Well Rabbi what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" In response the Rabbi said "Here too we do not waste." "What we do is save the foreskins and send them to the taxation department and every now and then they send us back a complete prick".
Two Aboriginals were driving through the outback when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus. Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up the driver wound his window down and said "G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!"
The copper glared at him and said "You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!" The driver said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that, I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that".
The cop smirked and said "Okay - in that case we require you to give a blood sample". "Nah nah - sorry, boss" replied the driver. "Can't be doin' that. Got another letter from the doc saying" I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry boss, can't do that!"
By now the copper was getting irate and demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing. The driver shook his head and said "Sorry boss, can't do that either". The copper protested "Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!"
"Bloody oath, mate!" says the driver "It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely country of Australia - she's apologised, and says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!"
MY POOR EYES: FATTY FLASHERS 
READER MAILTime for a huge RM. What you guys will find below is a whole bunch of mail that flooded in throughout 2011. It's not arranged in any sort of order and the fact its didn't make it into an update last year has more to do with space limitations than anything else. At very least it should keep you occupied for a couple. Got something to add? Email me! In the meantime - check it...
Tomas wrote: Subject: StickersMy Family Stickers Toowoomba Style 
Ross wrote: Subject: cookiesWhat happens when men bake cookies?? 
Clark wrote: Subject: When Back in SFOn my last trip to San Francisco, I ended up waiting for my flight downtown on the same day as the pride parade. Everybody was dressed and ready to go; even the busses! Love the site! Keep on keep'n on! 
<with held> wrote: Subject: Ass picFound this on my camera. Guess my gf thought see would take a pic of my buds ass! Pls hide my details if you use this. 
Ørjan wrote: Subject: Cheers from Norway..!A big fan of your great site, but first time contributor... I just had to send you this picture showing the great evil looks of my friend Anders. What he drank that night, I really can't say... But I guess it was stronger than Guinness... 
Austin wrote: Subject: Obama ShirtsWalmart says Anti-obama shirts outselling pro obama 4 to 1. 
Qerqizi wrote: Subject: GermanI guess that the WWII, was won by Germany after all! 
BT wrote: Subject: a picture for youDude: Trying to line up a date for new years eve and this is all I could come up with! Looks like it is going to be a long year! 
Gordon wrote: Subject: Absolutely Brilliant!!Gotta love it,,,,,, and it ought to work just fine. 
Austin wrote: Subject: Remember the guy who wouldn't take the flag down?You might remember a news story several months ago about a crotchety old man who defied his homeowners association and refused to take down the flagpole on his property and the large flag that flew on it. Now you can find out who, exactly, that old man was.
Warren wrote: Subject: I am all for conservationSpotted by a mate whilst driving in Durban, South Africa. 
Andrew wrote: Subject: ArmorAll - Summer MelonsHey Orsm. I think ArmorAll needs some help with their marketing. They got the wording right (Summer Melons, Scratch & sniff) but i think they could have included a visual that would increase sales. I've added a sample that i think would definitely help pick up sales! I've included a before and after pic, you use both or just the latter.
<with held> wrote: Subject: funny picHey orsm, was on facebook today and saw this pic and figured it would be good for your site. Notice the kid in the black shirt has a little something extra hanging out of his pants..... Pls hide my info if you decide to use it. 
Brent wrote: Subject: Bug-eyed babyHave you ever seen a baby like this? Please withhold my information and try to blur out the girl's face, thanks. 
Michael wrote: Subject: PhotoI was playing wordworp on my iPhone and had to snap this screen shot! 
RR147 wrote: Subject: CanadaCanada has some interesting Bay name..lol 
Gene wrote: Subject: I Found an old picture...FOUND! AN OLD PICTURE OF ME WITH MY FIRST BABYSITTER My psychiatrist told me this is where my problem started!!! I MISS HER A LOT. 
<with held> wrote: Subject: PictureI shouldn't be so juvenile and still find this stuff funny, but I couldn't help myself... Hide the details please. 
<with held> wrote: Subject: PUSSY GALOREG'day mr orsm, I got home from work, checked my emails and low and behold what should I find? an email with 2 pussy pics of a girl I dont know from a bar of soap. And i thought to myself, if she is happy to share herself with me, I'll do the right thing and pass on her random act of kindness and share them with you. Her name is Catriona. from where? buggered if I know. how she got my email? buggered if i know. What does the rest of her look like? buggered if i know. If she sends more will I pass them on too? Hell yes! Hide my dets please, and keep up the good work!
Greg wrote: Subject: Historic picturesFirst McDonald's; Sadam Hussein with the noose around the neck; Early construction of Brasilia, capital of Brasil; Papa Pio XII and Hitler; Elvis Presley drafted into the Army; The Beatles before they became famous; Osama Bin Laden Family...
Tom wrote: Subject: picDo not get on this bus. 
<with held> wrote: Subject: Pics for your next updateFound these on FB. Not sure what he is trying to show, other than his complete lack of heterosexuality. Since he was kind enough to share on FB, I thought it would be nice to share with ORSM. As usual, you are the bomb, and hide the details please.
Stooged wrote: Subject: $44Usually $44.65 for 2 x pizza combo ? Inflated Sydney moron price ? W-T-F ? And $9/kg for banana's ? The World has gone nuts. 
Bishop wrote: Subject: nye partyDo you know who the HELL this is??? Scary!!! 
<with held> wrote: Subject: ***Old South Africa Quad Bikes***Howzit Orsm, Used these quad bikes in SA before the internal combustion engine was invented. I understand a different model is still being used in some remote areas of the outback where you hail from. 
Andrew wrote: Subject: woolworthsThe staff at woolworths must have thought these two products went well together?? 
John wrote: Subject: My Dicks Sporting GoodsA google search for "Dicks Sporting goods" turned this up. It's a new, "my dicks so big..."joke. My dick is so big it has it's own sporting goods store. 
<with held> wrote: Subject: cardboard license platesitting at a traffic light the other day i noticed the truck in front of me had a cardboard license plate. you cant see it in the picture i took but the plate number is written in marker. i guess some credit should go to the creator for effort. please hide my info. thanks 
CJ Wrote: Subject: How to ask for a date... tenderleyThought that this is so heart warming, it shows the tenderness and caring in the approach to the object of your desires, especially on a very special date. Check the tenderness in his eyes and the gentle way that he puts his hand on hers. This is a lesson from nature for all you guys out there: how to do it right! 
<with held> wrote: Subject: mexico!!Saw this on holiday in Mexico. I do like a good glass of squirt, mmmmm yes I do! No details please and keep up the good work. Laters 
Psycheman wrote: Subject: World MapMore truth than you think.... 
STEPHEN wrote: Subject: EmailingA friend of mine celebrating Cinco de Mayo 
Hodgo wrote: Subject: Random shit perhaps?G'day Great Orsm, Pic of Dick's old Greens Tuf XE Falcon with some tough green in the back, this is a model didn't circle Bathurst like this!! Cheers 
Shane wrote: Subject: There is none finerIn Las Vegas. It appears Gucci has expanded its portfolio to include a product I truly love. I am guessing there is none better to be found anywhere else. 
Grant wrote: Subject: Musician Reecard FarchePortrait of the famous musician "Reecard Farche" with some Americans on a lounge. 
Jez wrote: Subject: EmailingReckon Toyota would like this story being linked? 
Neb E wrote: Subject: Thank YouThe sissy just emailed me again begging me to ask you to include it in your priceless section 
<with held> wrote: Subject: cell phone+driving=funny for usThis dumb chick got fucked up cuz she was going for her cell phone instead of watching the road. Here is a screen shot. And when I get some time I will mail you some pics of some local sluts in my area that are just dying to be 'famous'. Keep up the good work bro and as usual, hide the deets.. Cheers!
<with held> wrote: Subject: Emailingfound on tagged no name etc 
<with held> wrote: Subject: Kinda fittingBeen an avid follower for about 4 years now. I don't agree with all of the opinions, but, if I wanted to make a point I'd start my own page. I couldn't let this one slide though. Good old Facebook for 'fitting' ad placement. Kudos from NSW mate. Hold the info please. 
Gene wrote: Subject: How BOOBS got their nameI had no idea... learn something every day. Much simpler than I thought! No need to thank me... just keeping friends informed and educated. 
Brent wrote: Subject: Forever Alone submissionYou need to post this to make up for the god awful, mind-scarring photos of that cross dresser sucking dicks. Found this on Facebook. 
xitz wrote: Subject: A lovely photographTaken in the early to mid 1940's showing a bevy of lasses enjoying a bowl of sweets on a balmy afternoon with not a care in the world, but is it the truth? well in their case it probably is, but read the facts and make your own assessment. This photo entitled "Hier gibt es Blaubeeren" (Here there are blueberries) shows a German SS officer sharing a punnet of fresh blueberries with young female staff sitting on a fence at Auschwitz the German death camp. When the girls finish theatrically eating their blueberries for the camera, one girl fakes tears into her inverted bowl because it is empty. On the very same day, 150 prisoners (Jews and non-Jews) arrived on a transport at Auschwitz. The SS selected 21 men and 12 women for work, and killed the remaining members of the transport in the gas chamber. LEST WE FORGET
Steven wrote: Subject: ContactsSome corporations have truly fantastic contact pages with maybe a little too much info 
Ross wrote: Subject: Rest Time!The perfect accessory to wear after a busy day! 
Jeff wrote: Subject: Chuck Woolery's carrer will span eons!Orsm - Just found this snafu in a Yahoo article...not quite salacious enough for top billing, but certainly worth of the under-under card... 
RR147HP wrote: Subject: LukoilWhy does Lukoil get away with Ripping us off?? 
Ross wrote: Subject: Waiting.....With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the Julia Gillard statue. 
<with held> wrote: Subject: ebay failG'day mate thought you'd like the header that popped up on my ebay home page. Love the site. Keep up the good work. Hold the details please. Cheers 
Jesse wrote: Subject: Fuck sportsRoot Sports/Fuck Sports. Same thing. 
<with held> wrote: Subject: Something randomHey Orsm, Great site, found this and thought you might want to use it. Please hide my details. Regards 
Mike wrote: Subject: RESPECTThese pictures reveal Obama's attitude, something of his mindset. He must be so insecure, that showing domination is his way to show power. I know of many like him.
Johnathan wrote: Subject: Obama toyCould be funnier, I'm still a Demotivational noob. 
Noah wrote: Subject: Sweet Photo I MadeHey Orsm, Made this photoshop the other day and I figured your fans would like it. The guy is Larry Bird in case you don't follow basketball / live under a rock. Love your site! 
Peter wrote: Subject: EmailingWhy would you?
Marco wrote: Subject: a night in benidorm spaina night in a normal bar in benidorm spain 
Damian wrote: Subject: funny stickersHello Mr ORSM. My daughters picked up these lovely Angry birds stickers at the school fete. wondered why they were saying rude things! LOL 
Jesse wrote: Subject: Kinda fucked up.I don't think they will be staring, knowingly, at anything. 
---- --- wrote: Subject: Emailing[no accompanying story/text] 
Jd wrote: Subject: You can't fix stupid . . . !Guys, Just remember as you read this, this person probably drives AND votes, and may have already reproduced!
Robb wrote: Subject: news picHi Orsm.. I saw this and thought of you.. Cheers mate! 
Kel wrote: Subject: 1928 Car Repair mailer..May 31, 1927, the last Ford Model T rolled off the assembly line. It was the first affordable automobile, due in part to the assembly line process developed by Henry Ford. Ford believed that "the man who will use his skill and constructive imagination to see how much he can give for a dollar, instead of how little he can give for a dollar, is bound to succeed." The Model T cost $850 in 1909, and as efficiency in production increased, the price dropped. By 1927, you could get a Model T for $290.
Craig wrote: Subject: White House Ops RoomSome people have waaaaaaaaay to much time (and a really good Photoshop program!) 
Jd wrote: Subject: StressStop overworking and rest. Otherwise you'll be next
xitz wrote: Subject: Perfectone for all the Kiwis (and would be Kiwis) out their 
Tom wrote: Subject: RailcarsRailcar grafitti...pretty cool stuff.
Kel wrote: Subject: SMALLEST PETROL ENGINESCIENTISTS have built the smallest petrol engine, tiny enough to power a WATCH. The mini-motor, which runs for two years on a single squirt of lighter fuel, is set to revolutionize world technology. It produces 700 times more energy than a conventional battery despite being less than a centimeter long not even half an inch. It could be used to operate laptops and mobile phones for months doing away with the need for recharging. Experts believe it could be phasing out batteries in such items within just six years. Other applications for the engine could include medical and military uses, such as running heart pacemakers or mini reconnaissance robots. At present, charging an ordinary battery to deliver one unit of energy involves putting 2,000 units into it. The little engine, because energy is produced locally, is far more effective.
<with held> wrote: Subject: readers mail contributionHi orsm, Long time reader, first time contributer. Was having a perve at work, and came across this... apparently Jessica alba doesn't mind a bit of porn! Keep up the good work, hide details cheers
xitz wrote: Subject: and so this is christmasHey.. I just Loooove christmas 
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked "Why are you taking all your clothes off?" The wife replied "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said "No, not at all".
The wife then asked "Well, what were you doing then?" "Oh" he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"
Sipho is working for a massive construction company. His boss is white. Sipho always gets into trouble with his boss and his boss always swears at him.
Sipho decided to lay a complaint so he goes to Comrade Malema's office. Malema tells him "He cannot treat you like this he doesn't know things are changed in my country?"
So they decided to go together to confront Sipho's boss. Sipho points out his boss to Malema. Malema calls him to the side and says to the boss "You cannot treat your workers this way, you will get locked up. This is not your country anymore!" Boss says, "Sorry Julius but he is a stupid and I can prove it". He tells Sipho "Go to the 18th floor and see if I'm there".
Sipho run up the stairs. Opens the office doors looks inside and runs down the stairs all huffing and puffing and says "Boss you are not there". Boss says "See how stupid he is!" Malema answers "Ha ha ha ha, ya he is very, very stupid… if it was me I would have used the lift!"
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker "How much do you charge?" The Hooker replies "It starts at $500 for a handjob". The guy says "$500 dollars! For a handjob! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes". "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes". "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes". "Well" says the hooker, smiling invitingly "I own those. And I own them because I give a handjob that's worth $500".
So the guy says "What the hell? You only live once right... I'll give it a try".
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realsing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says "I suppose a blowjob is $1000?" The hooker replies "$1,500". "I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"
The hooker replies "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1500". The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says "Sign me up".
Ten minutes later he's sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us - all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe "You own the WHOLE city?" "No" the hooker replies "but I would if I had a pussy".
And we're done. Except for...
. Please? - Next update will be next Thursday. Ughhhhh. otherwise my friend Ray will cut you, bitch!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and HNY or whatever. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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23 Dec ' 15:59
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22 Dec ' 14:15
2011.12.22-21.01 
Welcome to Orsm.net. Pre-emptivelytense
I'm sure the days fell more in my favour last year but checking back, the final update was on the 23rd. Maybe I was just more organised. Clearly remember having a more relaxing final week. I am pretty close to being sorted though - in the next two days I just need to find presents, cook enough food to feed a dozen, clean the house, wash the car, take the dog to the vet and... then I can relax. Piece of piss right...?
Continuing on with the trend of recent weeks and months, the weekend was ridiculous. Friday started as usual with a gruelling cycle. Managed a slightly longer distance than ever before and took a different route along the river and through the city. Nice morning for it except for the fucking wind. The rest of the day was spent doing Christmas related crap before seizing the opportunity of an empty evening to work into the wee hours and dent an ever increasing backlog. As much as sacrificing a Friday night to sitting in front of the computer is gay... no wait... that's it... it is gay.
Saturday was picturesque so first activity was a walk along the coast. Upon returning home I decided a coffee was in order... as the kettle boiled I reached across to unplug then this happened. Next was a return to the couch moving ordeal at a friends' place I mentioned a while back. Attacking with eight hands this time it should have been a breeze however that was merely wishful [read: stupid] thinking. Tried one way - wouldn't go. Reversed out, turned, flipped - still wouldn't go. It was about that point talk of a chainsaw was bandied around but a brilliant idea of hiring a genie lift was put forward. Half an hour later it was delivered and we set about manoeuvring the thing vertically up and over the balcony and into position. So much overthought, heartache and scraped knuckles, if only we'd done it that way to begin with. The rest of the afternoon was spent tinkering with my TV and connected devices. Mission unsuccessful on that front... it's basically down to commercial TV only now - DVD player and the like are luxuries no longer known. I now see that home theatre components are as bad, if not worse, than computers. Anything that's more than a couple of years old is superseded like fuck. Dinner with friends that night. It's ever hard to put the crew together nowadays so good to hangout for a few hours and absorb alcohol.
Unplanned early wakeup on Sunday surprised no one. Efforts were immediately focused in the garden, finishing off mulching and digging up and destroying anything that would fit in the bin. Speaking of the bin, cause of my next significant injury... whilst hauling it across the yard and over a step it managed to land directly on my big toe. Talk about cunt-fuck-ouch. The nail hasn't fallen of yet but it's only a matter of time. Gross. Anyway hopefully that ends green-related activities for a couple of months and I'll start seeing some freer weekends.
Next stop was my sister's place to say a final Merry Christmas before they jet away to greyer skies and then home to get dressed and ready for a wedding. I had my reservations about a wedding so close to Christmas. Everyone is massively under the pump as it is so devoting a good 10-12 hours is a luxury ill afforded. That said, it was stellar - awesome venue, people, food, speeches, radiant bride - what else could you ask for? For the record that was only the second wedding all year... down from [I think] 10 in 2010. Oh and 2011 was definitely the baby explosion I predicted. Lost count somewhere along the way but total fuck trophies belonging to people I know exceeded of 20. I'm guessing if last year was year of the wedding, this year was year of the baby, next year will be year of the divorce...
We should probably get a move on but before I do - absolute gigantic thanks to everyone who Orsm'd themselves this year and an even bigger one to all contributors. You have kept me constantly entertained. It's been a fucking huuuge one too. More of you guys visited than ever before and chewed down I don't even want to know how much bandwidth. 10M more videos were watched this year than last, thisthis being the most popular and the most viewed image galleries were thisthis. There were 51 updates, two of them coming from different countries, this being the most viewed and this was the most popular RS. Alright enough of the stats and ego stroking. Let's get on with it. Tried to go next level with the final update for 2011 and pretty sure I succeeded. Reader Mail got canned to make space for all the other stuff that will keep you dudes busy over the next 2 weeks while I take a break. One more thing - there are tonnes of videos and extra stuff hidden below. Clicking on anything that says 'Christmas' will get you there. Check it...
Time 2 PlayWalk Of ShameSanta's SlutsTramp StampsSports BabesStrippersRedhead LuvSexcapade
Mmm BurgersFapworthy BlondeUber CleavSofia VergaraDeep Dickin'Sex Me NowPublic BJ
Xmas HottieOops My Bad!Miranda FTWSO HotI See TitsChill BroBukkakeOversharePainal
This eight-year-old girl goes into Santa's grotto. She sits on his lap and Father Christmas says "Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas, my dear?" The little girl says, "Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!" Santa says "Will a little white beard be okay?" I saw a girl walking down the street that I fucked years ago so I ran up behind her, covered her eyes and whispered "Guess who... I took your virginity..." She said "Dad?" "Dad!?" I replied staggering back in disgust. "You lost your virginity to your dad?" She turned round and said "Oh... it's you... I told you that you were my first because I was ashamed of what happened with my..". "I don't want to hear it!" I interrupted "Fuck you and your dad!" As I walked off, I turned round and shouted "Tell him Uncle Tony won't be coming round this Christmas". A friend of mine just bought a new Xmas tree. Thinking she might need help, I asked her if she was going to put it up herself? "No" she replied "I thought it would look nice in the corner of the living room". I worked in a record shop when I was at school and a woman came in and asked "Have you got Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" I said "No but I've got two dangling balls on a 7 inch". She asked "Is that a record?" I said "I think so... I'm only 13". I just got a job directing a local play. I thought it was a bit dull so I thought I would liven it up a bit by including a nude lesbian shower scene. The School Board people weren't impressed - said it ruined the Nativity. Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a thin body and a fat pay cheque. Please don't get them confused again this year. -- I said to the wife "Hey fat cunt what do you want for Christmas?" She said "Don't get fucking lippy!" "Fair enough" I said "Mascara it is then..." -- I LOVE Christmas lights, they remind me of immigrants. They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright. -- Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th". -- I got a Christmas card from my solicitors today. It wished me, but in no way guaranteed me, a Happy Christmas. -- The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
COMPANY MEMO
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees RE: Gala Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family, Amy
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees RE: Gala Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family, Amy
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads 'AA Only' you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money and the executives believe $10 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Amy
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director To: All Employees RE: Generic Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh 'low sugar' fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply 'no sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Amy
FROM: Amy Brown, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees RE: The Fucking Holiday PartyI've had it with you vegetarian pricks!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death' as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you fucking wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from Hell!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director To: All Employees RE: Amy Brown and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Amy Brown a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the 'rest facility'. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever! Joan
AMELIE: HAND PUPPET 
SANTA CLAUSE: AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) faiths, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the 'flying' reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where?
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.
RANDOM SHITE [PART 1]Never one to shirk RSresponsibilities, you guys get a two-parter today but be warned it has a very Christmassy smell. Check it...
Getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness" says the driver "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well to tell you the truth" says the Pope "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today".
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 200kms.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief" he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 200kph. "So bust him" says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important" said the cop. The Chief exclaimed" All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked "Who do you have there, the mayor?" Cop "Bigger". Chief "A senator?" Cop "Bigger". Chief: "The Prime Minister?" Cop: "Bigger". "Well" said the Chief "who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"
NIIIIICE TITS 
It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote 'Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas'. But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas'.
He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike'. He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike'.
OH CHRISTMAS TREE... OH CHRISTMAS TREE... 
CLEVER SCAM... WARN YOUR MALE FRIENDS!
This is very serious stuff! Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays get closer. This is a 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Target, Bunnings, Big W and K-Mart customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last couple of weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some simple Christmas gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two very attractive 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa's Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the boot and both start helping. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep V neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say politely decline and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up - they have proven it over and over again with me.
By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam's Club, Wal-Mart and Target.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon)
EMMA MAE... WANT TO SUCK SOME POLE 
FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS -US scientists calculated that Santa would have to visit 822 homes a second to deliver all the world's presents on Christmas Eve, travelling at 650 miles a second.-Although now mostly vegetarian, in Victorian times, mince pies were made with beef and spices. -The tradition of putting tangerines in stockings comes from 12th-century French nuns who left socks full of fruit, nuts and tangerines at the houses of the poor.-Despite the tale of three wise men paying homage to baby Jesus, the Bible never gives a number. Matthew's Gospel refers to merely "wise men". -Carols began as an old English custom called wassailing, toasting neighbours to a long life.-Carols weren't sung in churches until they were introduced by St Francis of Assisi in the 13th century. -Hanging stockings out comes from the Dutch custom of leaving shoes packed with food for St Nicholas's donkeys. He would leave small gifts in return.-There is no reference to angels singing anywhere in the Bible. -Nearly 60 million Christmas trees are grown each year in Europe.-The word Noel derives from the French expression "les bonnes nouvelles" or "the good news". -Jesus was probably born in a cave and not a wooden stable, say Biblical scholars.-The abbreviation Xmas isn't irreligious. The letter X is a Greek abbreviation for Christ. -The world's tallest Xmas tree at 221ft high was erected in a Washington shopping mall in 1950.-The chances of a white Christmas are just 1 in 10 for England and Wales, and 1 in 6 for Scotland and Northern Ireland. Practically 0 for Australia. -Many theologians estimate that Jesus wasn't born on December 25 but sometime in September between 6BC and 30AD.-James Pierpont's 1857 song Jingle Bells was first called One Horse Open Sleigh and was written for Thanksgiving. -Before turkey, the traditional Christmas meal in England was a pig's head and mustard.-In 1647, after the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell banned festivities. The law wasn't lifted until 1660. -In 1999, residents of the state of Maine in America built the world's biggest ever snowman. He stood at 113ft tall.-Many parts of the Christmas tree can actually be eaten, with the needles being a good source of Vitamin C. -The holly in a wreath symbolises Christ's crown of thorns while the red berries are drops of his blood.-The first commercial Christmas cards were commissioned by civil servant Sir Henry Cole in London in 1843. -Hanging presents on trees may come from the Druids who believed the tree was the giver of all good things.-The largest Christmas cracker - 45.72m long and 3.04m in diameter - was pulled in Australia in 1991. -The long shopping spree before Christmas began in America when relatives of soldiers posted overseas in the Second World War were encouraged to mail gifts early.-Jingle Bells was the first song broadcast from space when Gemini 6 astronauts Tom Stafford and Wally Schirra sang it on December 16, 1965. -Astronomers believe the Star Of Bethlehem, which guided the wise men to Jesus, may have been a comet or the planet Uranus.-Santa has different names around the world - Kriss Kringle in Germany, Le Befana in Italy, Pere Noel in France and Deushka Moroz (Grandfather Frost) in Russia. -The word Christmas comes from the Old English "Cristes maesse" meaning "Christ's Mass".-The bestselling Xmas single ever is Bing Crosby's White Christmas, shifting over 50 million copies worldwide since 1942. -In Britain, the best-selling festive single is Band Aid's 1984 track 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' which sold 3.5 million copies. Wham! is next in the same year with Last Christmas, selling 1.4 million.-Upside-down artificial Xmas trees are sold to allow more gifts to be piled under. -Christmas pudding was originally a soup made with raisins and wine.-London sweetmaker Tom Smith created the first Christmas crackers in 1847, based on the sweet wrapper design. -Santa Claus comes from a Dutch folk tale based on Saint Nicholas, or Sinterklaas, who gave gifts on December 6.-Boxing Day gets its name from all the money collected in church alms-boxes for the poor. -Kissing under the mistletoe is thought to spring from Frigga, the Norse goddess of love, who was associated with the plant.-The Beatles hold the record for most Xmas number 1 singles, topping the charts in 1963, 65 and 67. -Electric tree lights were invented by Edward Johnson in the US in 1882.-They may date back to pagan traditions, but the earliest known reference to a Christmas tree is in a German pamphlet from 1570. -The highest-grossing festive movie is 2000's How The Grinch Stole Christmas, which has raked in almost US$350 milion since 2000.-There are 13 Santa's in Iceland, each leaving a gift for children. They come down from the mountain one by one, starting on December 12 and have names like Spoon Licker, Door Sniffer and Meat Hook. -Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer was invented for a US firm's Christmas promotion in 1938.-Gold-wrapped chocolate coins commemorate St Nicholas who gave bags of gold coins to the poor. -The first Christmas celebrated in Britain is thought to have been in York in 521AD.-In Greece, Italy, Spain and Germany, workers get a Christmas bonus of one month's salary by law. -In the Czech Republic they enjoy dinners of fish soup, eggs and carp. The number of people at the table must be even, or the one without a partner will die next year.-During the auspicious Christmas time many of the pet owners think their pet as human beings. It is noticed that almost 56 per cent of Americans sing to their pets. -Scraps of Christmas can make problems for you many times. The Christmas scraps are responsible for 400,000 cases of disease and sickness after the Christmas time.-Listen to the song "Twelve Days of Christmas" and count the number of gifts in the song. You will notice that gifts were exchanged 364 times. Thus the gifts are exchanged every day of the year. -It was obligatory to visit the church during Christmas day. The tradition of fasting still continues. No vehicle is allowed to be used in any Christmas service.-In the Ukraine, if you find a spider web in the house on Christmas morning, it is believed to be a harbinger of good luck! There once lived a woman so poor, says a Ukrainian folk tale, that she could not afford Christmas decorations for her family. One Christmas morning, she awoke to find that spiders had trimmed her children's tree with their webs. When the morning sun shone on them, the webs turned to silver and gold. An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. -At Christmas, it is traditional to exchange kisses beneath the mistletoe tree. In ancient Scandinavia, mistletoe was associated with peace and friendship. That may account for the custom of "kissing beneath the mistletoe".
RANDOM SHITE [PART 2]And the hits keep on coming. Check it...
RATING YOUR CHRISTMAS PARTIESIf you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests call you up the next day to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:
FESTIVITY LEVEL: ONEYour guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.
FESTIVITY LEVEL: TWOYour guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
FESTIVITY LEVEL: THREEYour guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.
You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.
FESTIVITY LEVEL: FOURYour guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing.
The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning - their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:
Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?" You: "No." Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party." You: "About the drugs?" Police: "No." You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?" Police: "No, the noise." You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbours?"
Police: "No, the neighbours fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?" You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down."
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike" the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes Sir" the little girl said "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said "Give this to your Dad and next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!"
The young girl looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" Playing along with the girl he chuckled and answered "Yes, he sure did!"
The little girl looked up at the cop and said: "Next year tell Santa the dick goes UNDERNEATH the horse, not on top!!"
I WANT A CONSOLE FOR CHRISTMAS 
CHRISTMAS DOWNSIZING Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
-The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.-The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. -The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.-The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. -The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.-The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. -The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.-As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Opportunity Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. -Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.-Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. -Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.-We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
EVE LAURENCE LOOKING A BIT ROUGH BUT ITS AN XMAS THEME SO STFU... 
With Christmas nearing a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her.
So he goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings. The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him.
The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."
The husband says that it was great and asks "Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.
He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing. He takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."
The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."
The wife is overwhelmed and asks "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?" The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."
And that means we are done. I could babble on endlessly but who can be fucked right? Just read the following for some crucial info and I'll see you bastards in the New Year...
. What else are you going to be doing over the holidays that could be more important...? - Next update will NOT be next Thursday but the one after... or not... but most likely the 5th January. otherwise my friend Ray will kill Santa so if you want presents you should do what I say.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a safe and Happy Christmas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
-
22 Dec ' 04:35
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