http://www.collegehumor.com/ - May 10, 2013 12:18:49 AM - Dec 4, 2004 4:05:04 AM
I spent the day in the New York apartment with Myrtle, along with the McKee's and Myrtle's sister Catherine. Oh, and of course Nick "Can I come?" Carraway. That guy. I know he's Daisy's cousin, but that doesn't really explain why he's come over to our house every weekend this summer. It's sort of weird how he just sits there watching everyone. Just, like, observing. I know the guy just moved to Long Island and everything, but I wish he'd get his own friends.
Anyway, I bought Myrtle a dog and then broke her nose on purpose.
Just when you thought the goat trend was on its way out, enter D-AAAAAAAHHHH-ft Punk.
They say the best writing is rewriting, and that really couldn't be more true for some of history's (and pop culture's) greatest works. PaulLaudiero over at ShitRoughDrafts.com happened to get a hold of a BUNCH of these (OK he made them up), and now we have a peek into the infant versions of famous pieces. If at first you don't succeed, write, write again. Right? Right.View the Gallery
Have you ever wondered what certain people's faces would look like if they were creepily mushed together in a gif? No? TOOBAD, because here's your answer: 8 celeb faces become one in a confusing list of gifs.View the Gallery
There he goes again, off to get a Diet Snapple Lemon Iced Tea after ordering his sandwich. He must really like this deli, that guy. He's here every other day getting the same sandwich: roast beef, swiss cheese, lettuce, mayo, salt and pepper. Sounds pretty tasty. But hold up, Miguel, what about the tomato? I wouldn't want to forget to put the tomato on. Did he say anything about tomato Yes! Yes he did. He said, "And please, Miguel, no tomato on the sandwich."
No, that's not a coat rack. There is a human being under all that fabric. This guy doesn't love the beach. He thinks the beach is a relaxing place to read if it's not too crowded. You can usually find him on top of a towel and underneath an umbrella, that is, if you don't mistake him for a pile of dirty laundry. He's basically a lump that gets in the way of your football game. You don't want him there. He doesn't even want himself there. No one has even seen The Overdresser's skin, but rumor has it that it's brighter than the sun.
He's always ready to ride some waves. Except he doesn't own a surfboard. And he doesn't know how to surf. Expect him to spend the duration of his beach adventure paddling really hard with a wave, being carried about six feet towards the beach, walking back out to where the waves are breaking, and doing it again. He's in his own world where he truly believes that he's Kelly Slater and everyone is impressed by what he's doing.
Listen up, fellow humans of Mesopotamia (or as we call ourselves, the "Cool Animals"). This new "Music" thing has been a massive success for the past two years. Frankly, when An-Bakoul-Rakhaazah first pitched the idea at HumanCon, I was skeptical; I mean, "notes" and "tones" and "not just saying words but saying them in this dumb specific way"? It sounded ridiculous. His sand presentation was a mess! Even the friggin' God of Grain was rolling his ten eyes (his head is five crows). But who knew! Music is a hit after all. SUCH a hit, in fact, that I come before you all today to pitch a new idea for a companion activity to Music. I call it: "Moving F*cking Randomly".
10. Inception Machine
Inception introduced all kinds of crazy concepts though its shared dream briefcase that's never really explained. It's a dangerous process, though: people can get injured, die, and even get trapped in a terrible fantasy realm that renders you an insane octogenarian by the time you're rescued. But I'm not looking to topple a multinational corporation, I just want to make sure someone else is down with where I want to go for lunch today, or maybe just take a Ski Break one Sunday night with a couple of famous dogs. I could handle that just fine.
9. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
The overall Death Trap-y-ness of Willy Wonka's place of work is well-documented at this point, but credit where credit's due: it's a really cool place. It doesn't make any kind of sense to build an entire meadow out of candy when you've got a net profit to worry about, but goddamn if that didn't stop Wonka and his nightmare mutant army from building it all the same. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the FDA doesn't exist within this movie's universe.
A Justin Timberlake tribute to the guy you wish you didn't sit next to.
Get the song on iTunes
In "Twidiots", we collect the choicest thoughts on a particular topic from Twitter's millions of users.
Not every high school student embraces F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby as a classic, but with the release of Baz Luhrman's film adaptation this Friday who cares? Who needs literature when you've got bomb-ass 3-D? Right, Tweeps?
With the news breaking of Cleveland hero Charles Ramsey rescuing three women that had been missing for 10 years, as well as his subsequently brilliant and entertaining news interview, let's take a look back at 9 other internet shooting stars who paved the way for his straight-to-autotune success, in reverse chronological order.
There's nothing better than laughing at the flagrant stupidity of a stranger on the Internet, but keeping up with all the stupid people on the vast deserts of forums, websites, and subreddits can be exhausting. Luckily, several Twitter accounts have arisen to compile the very best of these oblivious poets into simple, easy-to-read text posts. Here's a few of our favorites.
REMINDER: All of these tweets are taken from ACTUALPOSTS ON WEBSITES.
The very worst in creative writing crossovers.
Along with time, many things had changed in Legolas' life. Learning to drive the strange car machine, a New Found Glory concert, learning Fanfiction_txt (@fanfiction_txt) April 30, 2013
I hear Amy order Diet Coke, and Sonic order, surprise-surprise, Mountain Dew Code Red. Fanfiction_txt (@fanfiction_txt) May 3, 2013
Hey boss, first time?
Yeah, never been a big gym rat, so I'll be checking out a couple spots in the area to see what's the best fit for me.
Well, I can assure you in 10 minutes I'll have all of your money. Follow me for a tour.
Anything you say, large man who could hurt me very badly if he wanted to.
We've got state-of-the-art machines, an Olympic-sized pool, a full basketball court Hey Chris, nice set dude! Keep up the intensity three racquetball courts, a zero gravity climbing gym, full smoothie bar with every flavor on Earth, and classes in everything from spinning and yoga to kick-boxing and give me your money.
Wow, so many amenities. This could really change my life for the better.
Now I'll talk to you about your flabby, pathetic excuse for a body because before I build you up I have to break you down.
I have never been more aware of how my body looks.
Let's publicly embarrass you now by seeing how few reps you can do on the bench press. Then we'll build you back up by saying that was actually more impressive than most first-timers.
Now I'm dizzy and slightly nauseous.
In space, no one can hear you get eaten by a shark.